It’s been a little while since I’ve posted here (you know,
just a year, no biggie!) But I’m still around, promise, and I do still care a
lot about tennis. I will try and write here a bit, but if that doesn’t happen,
what with my busy life and such, you can always catch me on Twitter at @JodiMcA.
This is for PJ, LJ, Cecilia, and everyone who begged
(BEGGED!) me to write another episode of the Rogelio Show.
SCENE #1 [INT] – MEN’S
LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS
RAFA and NOLE are
sitting on a couch.
NOLE: And then I hit another winner – all blam! blam blam
blam! – and then I won.
RAFA: [not listening]
Hmmm.
NOLE: Bro?
No response.
NOLE: Rafa? Rafa?!
RAFA: What?
NOLE: You weren’t even listening.
RAFA: Sorry. I drifted off for a minute, no? I was...
daydreaming.
SCENE #2 [EXT] –
RAFA’S MIND. A WATER COURT IN ABU DHABI.
AX Cue 2.1 – Sophie
Zelmani, ‘I Will Remember You’
RAFA and ROGER frolic
on the water court, hitting tennis balls to each other and finally settling for
just splashing water at each other and giggling like little kids. The drops of
water sparkle like diamonds.
SCENE #3 [INT] – MEN’S
LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS
NOLE: [waving his hand
in front of Rafa’s eyes] Earth to Rafa! Roland Garros to Rafa!
RAFA: Sorry, Novak. I’m listening now, I promise.
NOLE: It’s all right. I was just telling you about how I won
my first round match. You can probably imagine how it went.
RAFA just looks at NOLE.
NOLE: You don’t want to imagine it? All right. I won.
Straight sets.
RAFA: Well done.
NOLE: Thanks.
A long silence. A
tumbleweed rolls across the locker room floor as NOLE desperately thinks of
what to say next.
NOLE: Nice weather we’re having.
RAFA: Yes.
Silence.
NOLE: I’m so glad we can hang out like this, Rafa. Number #1
and Number #2, hanging out, being bros – this is the way it’s meant to be.
RAFA: Mmmm.
Silence.
NOLE: I hate blue clay.
RAFA: [animatedly]
I hate blue clay too!
NOLE: It is so stupid!
RAFA: It is the stupidest!
NOLE: It is stupider than on court coaching!
RAFA: It is stupider than a one year ranking system!
NOLE: It is stupider than Roger’s hair.
Close up on RAFA’s
face as a single tear trickles down his cheek.
NOLE: Oh Rafa, I’m sorry. It’s too soon, it’s –
RAFA: No, it’s okay. I’m okay.
NOLE: Are you... brokay?
RAFA sobs.
NOLE: Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know how it feels. I’ve BROken
up with a few people in my time, and –
RAFA: No. No. I’m all right. I’m all right.
NOLE: Hey, thinking of blue clay makes me cry too.
RAFA smiles weakly.
RAFA: Blue clay is stupid.
NOLE: The stupidest. Would it make you feel better if we
sang about it?
RAFA: Maybe.
NOLE: Awesome.
RAFA: [sotto voce]
We always used to sing together.
NOLE: What?
RAFA: Nothing.
The lights come down,
the music comes up.
Blue Clay [to the tune of ‘Call Me’ by Blondie, words by Jodi]
NOLE:
Blue’s a stupid
colour, Rafa
Blue clay really
bites
RAFA:
Blue’s a stupid
colour, Nole
Even without lights
NOLE:
It’s slippery and it
plays real bad!
RAFA:
That stuff makes me
really mad!
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Blue clay)
NOLE:
Is stupid!
Only morons like that
shit!
RAFA:
Blue clay!
NOLE:
(Blue clay)
RAFA:
We hate it!
We don’t like it one
little bit.
RAFA and NOLE:
Blue clay.
RAFA:
Cover it with red
clay, Madrid
Cover that stuff up.
NOLE:
Until there’s no more
blue clay round here
We will not shut up.
RAFA:
If it stays, we won’t
go there!
NOLE:
You’ll just have
Roger and his hair!
RAFA:
Blue clay!
NOLE:
(Blue clay)
RAFA:
Is evil!
It makes me
physically ill.
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Blue clay)
NOLE:
Is crap!
Are you listening,
Ion Tiriac?
RAFA and NOLE:
Blue clay.
NOLE:
Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
clay makes us feel like cows on ice.
RAFA:
Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
clay isn’t very nice – not at all nice!
NOLE:
Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
clay will go at any price – any price!
RAFA:
Any price, anything,
any means, anyway!
RAFA and NOLE:
We’ll do anything to
defeat blue clay-ay!
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Blue clay)
NOLE:
Go to hell!
Without you, we did
really well.
RAFA:
Blue clay!
NOLE:
(Blue clay)
RAFA:
Go away
We didn’t need you
anyway.
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Blue clay)
NOLE:
You suck.
Roger won just by
pure luck.
RAFA:
Blue clay!
NOLE:
(Blue clay)
RAFA:
Blue clay, why do you
like Roger more than me?
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Blue clay)
NOLE:
You’re the worst
Rafa, stop putting
Roger first.
RAFA:
Blue clay!
NOLE:
(Blue clay)
RAFA:
Oh blue clay! Oh...
Roger.
NOLE:
Blue clay!
RAFA:
(Roger)
NOLE:
Rafa!
RAFA:
Call me, call me, my
Roger...
NOLE: Bro, what happened! The song was going so great! We
were singing about how much we hate blue clay and then you got all mushy on me!
RAFA: The memories are just so fresh, no? And don’t call me
–
Enter ROGER and PAPA
LJUBS.
ROGER: Hi guys! I heard you singing! I have to say, I think
you’re being a bit unfair to blue clay. I know it’s slippery but real champions can adjust to any surface
and –
RAFA: Get out!
NOLE: Yeah, Roger, get out. Rafa’s with me now.
ROGER: Oh. Okay. Sorry to come in. To my own locker room.
Sorry to have offended you so, Novak. I must mind my manners around you, Mr I Have Five Slams. Oh sorry, what
was that? I have sixteen, bitch, and
–
RAFA: Not you, Rogelio. Him.
ROGER: Ivan? He just popped in to say hi.
RAFA: He is dead to
me!
SCENE #4 [EXT] –
RAFA’S MIND.
AX Cue 4.1 – O Fortuna
PAPA LJUBS
spontaneously combusts.
SCENE #5 [INT] – MEN’S
LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS
ROGER: ...why?
PAPA LJUBS: Something I said six years ago. He’s still mad.
Let’s go.
ROGER: Six years? Rafa, that is a long time to hold a
grudge. You need to move on.
Exit ROGER and PAPA LJUBS.
NOLE: Much as it pains me to say it, he’s right, Rafa. You
do have to move on.
RAFA: [sotto voce, a
single tear rolling down his cheek] I can’t. I can’t move on.
SCENE #6 [EXT] – THE
PATH TO THE PRACTICE COURTS
ROGER is walking to
the practice courts, rackets etc in hand.
ROGER: [internal
monologue] Rafa sure has been behaving strangely lately – wow, look at my
hair in that nearby shiny surface. It looks awesome – like swirls of Lindt
chocolate. I am the GOAT of hair. Self five.
ROGER high fives
himself.
ROGER: [internal
monologue] But something is definitely up with Rafa. We had such a good
time at that Netjets thing, but then I heard from FeVer that he went back to
his room and cried for five hours because it was ‘the last time’. Of course, he
might have been crying because he was looking at FeVer’s hair – it’s hard to
tell. He doesn’t have awesome hair like me – wow, Rog, you are looking soooo
smooooth today. The all black is a rocking look. Very sharp. Like evening wear.
Hey, I wonder if I can wear a tie to play in at Wimbledon this year. That would
look BAD ASS. Mental note: talk to Nike re getting a badass awesome sports tie.
What was I thinking about? Oh yes. Rafa. I hope he doesn’t think we had a fight
or something. I don’t think we had a fight. If we did, I was distracted. I
mean, I know we disagree about that whole ranking system thing, but please, I’m
right, and he should listen when I tell him he’s being stupid. He knows he’s
not allowed to have his own opinions. It’s not good for him. It musses up his
hair. But come to think of it, he has been looking a bit bald recently... oh
dear. Mental note: check to see if I accidentally had a fight with Rafa without
noticing. After I hit up Nike about that tie idea. Maybe it can be gold. A gold
tie. How rad would that be?
ROGER turns the corner
to the practice court, stops, and gasps.
ROGER: My Friend Stanley! What are you doing?
The camera pans across
to MY FRIEND STANLEY and LA MONF. The practice court is strewn with huge
amounts of stuff – computers, iPads, pieces of furniture, cars, whatever you
can think of.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge! What are you doing here?
ROGER: It’s time for my practice. You didn’t think the crowd
of fans ten deep at the fence with the Swiss flags was for you, did you? What
are you doing? Why have you mussed up my court with all this stuff?
LA MONF: We’re gambling.
ROGER: Gambling? Oh My Friend Stanley, not again. I thought
I gave you a pep talk about this terrible addiction of yours when we were in
Australia for Davis Cup. Remember, I let you have the top bunk that one night?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah... I fell asleep.
ROGER: You fell asleep while I was talking?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, I’d had a big day! Lleyton and I
were deep in the fifth, and –
ROGER: I don’t want to hear it. I’m leaving. I’m going to
find a court that hasn’t been all ruined by your terrible habit.
ROGER turns and almost
runs straight into RAFA.
SCENE #7 [EXT] –
RAFA’S MIND
AX Cue 7.1 – Sophie
Zelmani, 'I Will Remember You'
Slow motion close up
on ROGER’s face. His Lindt chocolate curls are gently ruffled by the breeze.
SCENE #8 [EXT] – THE
PRACTICE COURTS
ROGER: Rafa? What are you doing here?
RAFA: G-g-going to my practice.
ROGER: Can I practice with you? Look what My Friend Stanley
has done to my practice court!
RAFA: I – I –
LA MONF: Not so fast.
ROGER: Excuse me?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, you see... that is... Roge –
RAFA: [sotto voce]
His name is Rogelio.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: There’s something I have to tell you.
ROGER: What is it, My Friend Stanley?
LA MONF: You’re right. We’ve been gambling. And he’s been
losing. Badly.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’m nearly cleaned out, Roge. I’ve bet
everything and lost it all. The only things I have left are my Homer Simpson
doll and – and –
ROGER: And what, My Friend Stanley?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: And –
LA MONF: And his bro. That means you, Roger.
ROGER: What? No! You can’t bet me like that! For starters,
I’m not –
LA MONF: If Stan loses this point, then you’re my bro –
Broge.
RAFA: His name is Rogelio!
Everyone looks at
RAFA.
RAFA: What? Did you hear something? I didn’t hear something.
Maybe it was the wind, no?
ROGER: My Friend Stanley, I am very cross with you. I am
never letting you have the top bunk again.
LA MONF: Your serve, Stan.
LA MONF and MY FRIEND
STANLEY navigate their way around the piles of stuff to the actual court. MY
FRIEND STANLEY serves. He and LA MONF play an epic point until LA MONF does the
splits then does a backflip and hits the ball between his legs one handed while
standing on his other hand. It’s a winner. MY FRIEND STANLEY hangs his head. LA
MONF celebrates like a lunatic.
LA MONF: You’re mine now, Roger! You’re my bro! I always
wanted a high-status bro, but I never dreamed –
A wristband hits LA
MONF in the face. The camera follows it as it drifts to the ground. Close up on
the Nike swoosh under the raging bull horns.
LA MONF: What is this?
RAFA: A challenge.
LA MONF: What?
ROGER: What?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: What?
RAFA: I challenge you to a tennis duel for the bro-hood of
Rogelio.
LA MONF: Is that a thing? That you can do?
RAFA: You won him off My Friend Stanley, who did not
appreciate him. I will win him back.
ROGER: Rafa, I – I’m so flattered – I –
RAFA: Hush. I issued the challenge. You pick the terms.
LA MONF: Fine. I choose Paris.
RAFA: Well, duh. Home crowd advantage. And as if either of
us is going anywhere while the tournament’s still going on.
LA MONF: This afternoon.
RAFA: Fine.
LA MONF: And the surface...
RAFA: Yes?
Close up on LA MONF’s
face as he grins.
LA MONF: Blue. Clay.
SCENE #9 [EXT] – THE
ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS
IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE
IS A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE
AX Cue #9.1 – O
Fortuna
The camera pans around
the stadium. It’s less of a stadium, more of a random practice court. Despite
the epic grandeur the camera and the music are trying to create, it’s pretty
much empty apart from a few random spectators, who are all ATP players.
SCENE #10 [INT] – THE
LOCKER ROOM AND THE ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS.
Compared to the Roland
Garros locker room, the locker room here looks like a shed. This may be because
it is, in fact, a shed.
RAFA is lacing up his
shoes.
RAFA: [to himself]
I have no chance of winning. I hate blue clay, no? I will have to bring my best
tennis to even win a point. Is impossible for me to win.
Enter ROGER.
ROGER: Rafa...?
RAFA: Roger! What are you doing here?
ROGER: I wanted to wish you luck.
RAFA: Thank you.
ROGER: And... I know we’ve had some rough times recently. We
haven’t been as close as we once were. And... that makes me sad.
AX Cue 10.1 – Love Story (with Jodi’s tennis lyrics)
RAFA: It’s been hard. I’ve missed you.
ROGER: I missed you too. Once I noticed we were fighting. I
can’t thank you enough for doing this for me, Rafa. I don’t want to be bros
with La Monf. I mean, he’s all right, but he’s not –
RAFA: My Friend Stanley?
ROGER: You.
A single tear trickles
down RAFA’s face.
RAFA: Oh Rogelio.
ROGER: Don’t cry, Rafa. You have a tennis match to win. And
you are going to win it. I believe in you.
RAFA: I will give my best tennis.
ROGER: You always do. And – maybe this is too much to ask,
but – will you wear something for me?
RAFA: Wear something for you?
ROGER: You know, like in those medieval jousting
tournaments, where the ladies would give their favourite knight their
handkerchief so he could wear it as a token of their favour. Will you wear –
ROGER solemnly produces a black sock.
ROGER: - this for me?
RAFA takes the sock.
RAFA: With pride, Rogelio. With pride.
SCENE #11 [EXT] – THE
ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS
IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE
IS A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE
RAFA and LA MONF stand at the net.
RAFA: Oh no! We forgot an umpire! What are we going to do
about that?
LA MONF: La Bronf... I like the sound of that. What, sorry?
RAFA: An umpire! We need one!
LA MONF: Who’s here watching? Surely we can ask one of them.
RAFA: Good plan.
LA MONF: Oh look – Ivan Ljubicic just walked in. He’s a
great guy, very fair, and –
RAFA: He is dead to
me!
LA MONF: Um, okay... how about Tomas Berdych? He’s over
there, and –
RAFA: He is also dead
to me!
LA MONF: Wow. You have a lot of rage, man. What about Robin
Soderling? I don’t know what he’s doing here, but –
RAFA: He is the deadest
to me of all!
LA MONF: Is there anyone here that isn’t dead to you?!
Enter MY FRIEND
STANLEY.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’ll do it.
RAFA: [at the same
time as LA MONF] What? You won’t be fair!
LA MONF: [at the same
time as RAFA] I don’t think that’s a good idea.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Think about it. I don’t want either of
you to have Roge for your bro. Whichever one of you wins, I lose, so I don’t
really care which one of you wins.
RAFA and LA MONF look at each other.
RAFA: All right.
LA MONF: Let’s do it.
RAFA sprints to his
baseline. LA MONF cartwheels to his. MY FRIEND STANLEY clambers up to the
umpire’s chair.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Welcome, everyone, to the one blue clay
court in Paris that totally exists because shut up it does! We’re here today to
see who gets to be bros with Roge. To the left of the chair – Gael Monfils. And
to the right of the chair – Rafael Nadal. I can’t be bothered with all that
coin toss and warm up business, because, let’s be honest, this is already too
painful for me, so Rafa will serve.
Close up on Roger.
ROGER: Vamos, Rafa.
Cut back to RAFA,
bouncing the ball as he prepares to serve.
RAFA: For you, Roger.
RAFA serves an ace.
RAFA: Is impossible for me to win. Or... is it?
Pan down to RAFA’s
socks. One is white – his own. The other is black.
SCENE #12 [EXT] – THE
ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS
IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE IS
A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE
The rest of the match
passes in a blur of RAFA awesomeness and the occasional bit of random extreme
gymnastics from LA MONF.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Jeu, Rafa. Jeu, Rafa. Jeu, Rafa.
Finally, it is match
point. LA MONF is serving. RAFA slides ten feet into a crushing forehand return
which LA MONF cannot reach, despite attempting to backflip over to it.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Jeu, set et match, Rafa.
ROGER: Rafa!
ROGER rushes onto the
court and stops just before he throws his arms around RAFA.
ROGER: Is this all right? Can I hug you?
RAFA: Of course you can hug me – Rogelio.
ROGER: I’ve missed hearing you say that.
MY FRIEND STANLEY
looks over wistfully at ROGER and RAFA.
AX Cue 12.1 – Sophie
Zelmani, ‘I Will Remember You’
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’ll miss you... Roge.
LA MONF: Cheer up, Stan. He’ll come back to you. He always
does. And then I’ll win him off you for real.
A single tear rolls
down MY FRIEND STANLEY’s cheek.
LA MONF: Want to get out of here and play some Playstation?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sure.
LA MONF and MY FRIEND
STANLEY leave together, a new bromance beginning to bloom.
ROGER: Let’s get out of here. I know how you feel about blue
clay.
RAFA: I’m warming up to it. Not much, but still. Where will
we go?
ROGER: Anywhere you like.
RAFA: Just a second – there’s one thing I have to do first.
RAFA pulls out his
phone.
SCENE #13 [INT] –
NOLE’S HOTEL ROOM
NOLE is tucking into a
crème brulee when his phone beeps. He checks the message then drops his spoon
and claps his hand to his mouth in horror. TROICKI comes running at the sound.
TROICKI: What is it, master – I mean, Nole?
NOLE: I can’t believe it. No. NO.
TROICKI: No... le?
NOLE: This is no time for jokes. Rafa just BROke up with me.
TROICKI: I’m sorry. If you need a new bro, I’m available.
Seriously, I am so available.
NOLE: Shut up, minion.
Close up on NOLE’s
face as a single tear runs down his cheek.
NOLE: He never even called me Creme Brole.
SCENE #14 [EXT] –
ROLAND GARROS
RAFA and ROGER are walking
side by side.
RAFA: I think this is my favourite tournament in the whole
world.
ROGER: I like it too.
RAFA: I like it better with you.
ROGER and RAFA look at
each other. And then they giggle.
ROGER: I missed you. Ever since I realised this afternoon
that you were angry with me, I missed you.
RAFA: Nothing in the world is as nice without you, Rogelio.
This is destiny. We are meant to be.
The lights go down,
the music comes up.
Federer, Federer [to the tune of ‘Whenever, Wherever’ by Shakira, words
by Jodi]
RAFA:
Roger, when we spent
that time apart I
Really thought my
heart was breaking
Roger, when you’re
gone it’s feels like I’m
In a prison of my own
making
Roger I would play on
blue clay solely
If I thought it would
make you gleeful
You are the one, my
one and only
With you I’m always
cheerful
Rogelio-oh-oh, Rogelio-oh-oh
Don’t you know
I am your bro!
Federer, Federer
We’re meant to be
together
I am here and you are
near
We’re together, my
Roger.
Ljubicic, and Berdych
I’ll make peace if that
is your wish
If you say so then
they won’t be
So extremely dead to
me.
Roger, when you’re
gone you make me feel blue
Like blue clay – I’m so off-balance.
Roger, you’re for me
like I’m for you
That Nole stuff was
just a dalliance.
Roger, when you’re gone
I feel all empty
Like a locker room on
the last day.
When you’re not
around my hair’s unkempt-y
By the way, your
hair’s great today.
Rogelio-oh-oh,
Rogelio-oh-oh
Hope you know
I am your bro!
Federer, Federer
We’re meant to be
together
I am here and you are
near
And that’s the deal,
Roger.
Soderling – anything
I’ll make up if
that’s a big thing
That you would like
me to do
I’ll do anything for
you.
Rogelio-oh-oh,
Rogelio-oh-oh
If you missed it
I’ll say it again
Rogelio-oh-oh-oh!
I’ll say it one more
time
Don’t you know
I am your bro!
Federer, Federer
We’re meant to be
together
I am here and you are
near
We’re together, my
Roger.
Together, Federer
You are my destiny!
I’m happy just to know
That you really want
to be my bro.
Federer, Federer
We’re meant to be
together
I am here and you are
near
We’re together, my
Roger.
Together, Federer
You are my destiny!
I’m happy just to know
That you really want
to be my bro.
ROGER: Great song, Rafa! And I do
you really want to be your bro.
RAFA: I thought it was impossible
you would want to be my bro. I am so happy!
ROGER: I really like your song.
Sounds like Shakira. Did she help you write it?
RAFA: A little.
AX Cue 14.1 – ‘Federer, Federer’ (Coda) plays as ROGER and RAFA walk
off into the sunset as the dying light shines on the red courts.
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