Thursday, February 24, 2011

Why You Should Never Listen To A Thing I Say

My sister and I have a new addiction. We live in different cities, but this is something we do together every week. Once a week - either on Thursday night or Saturday afternoon, depending on when we're both free - we sit down, put each other on speakerphone, and watch the weekly highlights of WWE.

Yes, this will be an article about tennis. I'm getting there. Trust me.

WWE may well be the funniest damn thing I have ever seen in my life. A soap opera about men wearing no pants pretending to punch each other? Genius. What is there not to love about something which is basically Passions with punching (and less pants)?

My favourite thing about WWE is not the punching - which I can take or leave - it is the hilarious storylines they have going on. I'm not sure to what extent WWE tries to take itself seriously, but it is HIGH CAMP THEATRE OF HILARITY. So last night, in that drifting state between waking and sleep, it came to me. What if the world of tennis was like that?

I would not wish it, of course. BUT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS. Tennis players coming out into the middle of the court with a microphone, talking smack about their opponents... and then their opponents would come out, to the strains of hilariously hardcore music! Djokovic could be all 'the king is dead, long live the king', and out comes Federer! to the strains of Don't Stop Me Now! And he's all like, 'if you're the king, then prove it - let's have a match right here, right now!'

And then they play. And Mirka and Ana Ivanovic are on the side trying to interfere while the referee (who is probably Kader Nouni, on account of his excellent voice) isn't looking.

Grand Slams would no longer exist. Things like 'the Wimbledon title' would probably be redecided weekly. And there would be no trophies - oh no. There would be belts. HILARIOUSLY OVERSIZED BELTS. And things like 'the Nadal forehand' and 'the Federer volley' would become WWE-esque finishing moves that people would scream for and anticipate. No more of this 'RKO' or '619' business. It would be all 'FOREHAND!'

Of course, this would no longer be tennis. But it would be funny.

There would be terribly written storylines as well. I'm sure that the Roger character and the Rafa character would have some epic ongoing feud and would be punching each other and stealing each other's girlfriends all the time. Djokovic and Murray would both be trying to become the new #1 contenders and sometimes succeeding, but mostly failing. Murray would probably go through a straight edge phase. There would be a lot more crazy eyes, a lot more theme songs, and a lot less pants in this world. Because they would have to wear speedos. And leg warmers. Because that is what WWE is about. Or WTE, in this case - World Tennis Entertainment. It would not really be tennis, but it would be entertaining.

In case you can't tell, this entire post is trying to mask the fact that I don't have much else to write about. WTE is, of course, a terrible idea. But it is nightmarishly appealing. We can dream. Even if our dreams are not good ones.

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