Monday, March 21, 2011

Flying To Brogota

How on earth did I end up writing what now appears to be a Rafa-centric TV series? This was not in my life plan. It was not dreamt of in my philosophy.


SCENE #1 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

On one side of the jet sits NOLE, hugging his Indian Wells trophy. On another sits RAFA, texting someone on his mobile phone.

NOLE: I'm so glad you agreed to play this exhibition with me, Rafa.

RAFA: What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

NOLE: We will have so much fun!

RAFA: Um, yeah, sure.

NOLE: Who are you texting?

RAFA (a little too quickly): Nobody. Uncle Toni. Lopez. Other Lopez. No one you know.

RAFA sends his text.

RAFA (whispering): Please text back.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.



SCENE #2 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

ROGER is holding one of his kids in one arm, fixing his hair with the other. MY FRIEND STANLEY is sitting on the couch, the other twin crawling near his feet. The Homer Simpson doll is sitting on the table.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: So anyway, now we have matching trophies! I know our gold medals match, but now we have MORE matching stuff. Like shirts! Though you have more blue shirts than me now.

ROGER (distracted): Uh-huh.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: We are totally SO GOOD together, Roge.

ROGER's phone beeps.

ROGER: Oooh, a text! Can you get that for me, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course, Roge!

MY FRIEND STANLEY picks up ROGER's phone. Jump cut to the screen which says: 'Dear Rogelio, I am sorry Nole called me GOAT. Is impossible for me to be GOAT when you are GOAT. Please forgive me. Rafa.'

MY FRIEND STANLEY'S face darkens.

ROGER: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... nothing. Wrong number.



SCENE #3 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Why did we agree to play this exhibition anyway? It is so inconvenient, no?

NOLE: I thought we could spend some more time together.

RAFA: You know we are very good friends, Nole, but we see each other all the time. Why do we need to spend more time together?

NOLE: Now that we are #1 and #2, we totally need to hang out more.

RAFA: Can we time it better next time?

NOLE: Good point.

Another pause.

NOLE: Maybe you should be president of Players' Council when the elections happen again. I could be your VP.

RAFA: Roger is president.

NOLE: But maybe you should be.

RAFA: No. Is impossible for me to be president, no? Rogelio is president.

NOLE: But for me, you are the greatest player of all time.

RAFA: I told you already before. You can't say that. Is stupid, no? Besides, you just beat me, so I cannot be the best.

NOLE: But you beat Roger all the time and you always say he's the best.

RAFA: Is different.

NOLE: No, it's not.

RAFA: Yes, it is.

NOLE: No.

RAFA: Yes.

NOLE: He likes My Friend Stanley more than you.

RAFA: Shut up!

NOLE: Oh, Rafa, I'm sorry. Don't cry.

RAFA (sniffing): I'm not crying.

NOLE: It's okay. So Roger likes My Friend Stanley more than you. Big deal.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio.

NOLE: I will be your new bro.

RAFA: I don't want a new bro. Besides, aren't you bros with Andy Murray now?

NOLE: Pfft. He fell asleep during our match. He's dumped. What do you think? I could be Brokovic.

RAFA: Novak. How can I say this?

NOLE: Brovak?

RAFA: I don't think -

NOLE: Creme Brole?

RAFA: Novak, I know we once had a very meaningful chest bump at the Hit For Haiti and I like you, I really do, but -

NOLE: Be my bro, Rafa!

RAFA: Let me explain it to you... through song.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

Love Story [tune by Taylor Swift, words by Jodi]
*
RAFA:
In Miami, I first played him
I close my eyes and see it again
Not yet eighteen
He had two Slams, not sixteen.
*
We played third round, and somehow I beat him
I was so stunned - I was thrilled just to meet him
He said, "Well done,"
And my heart was won.
*
He is Rogelio
He is the greatest ever
And everyone says, "You should be enemies!
"You're rivals, you're not friends
"And it should be so!"
*
But I say,
"Rogelio, let's go somewhere we can just hang out
"No one shouting that friendship's not what it's about.
"You be Sampras and I'll be Agassi
"But it's a love story, we're not enemies."
*
So we go off to play exhibitions
We giggle a lot, lose our inhibitions
We are best bros
Famous Ass and Potato Nose.
&
'Cause he's Rogelio
And I'm Raging Bull Rafa
And everyone says we should be enemies
Less crying and more shouting
We really should be foes!
&
But I say,
"Rogelio, hug me, you don't need to cry no more
"For every Slam I win I bet that you will win four
"You be Laver and I'll be Emerson
"It's a love story, let's go have fun.
%
"Rogelio, text me, I'll be waiting by the phone
"We are rivals but we don't have to be alone
"You be Lendl and I'll be McEnroe
"But it's a love story, because we are best bros."
&
But now he hangs with Stanley
And I wonder if he sees me at all
It hurts, it hurts badly
When he just doesn't answer my calls.
^
And I say,
"Rogelio, pick up, we haven't chattered for a while,
"Please don't ignore me - it's not your normal style
"Is impossible
"For you to like Stan more,"
He picks up the phone
And closes the door and says,
"How are you, Rafa, I've missed you so badly!
"I really don't like My Good Friend Stanley!
"He's so annoying - how didn't I know?
"We're a love story - you are my best bro!"


NOLE: One, your imagination is terrifying. Two, you know love means nothing in tennis, right?

RAFA: Rogelio and I are bros. Look, Novak, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.

NOLE: But I am #2 now.

RAFA: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but -

NOLE: But our matches are so much better! Remember Madrid, man? 2009? You and me... good times.

RAFA: And then Roger beat me in the final. He is the greatest of all time.

NOLE: Dude. You have an inferiority complex. For serious. I don't know what you see in him.



SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

ROGER is illuminated in glowing light. The wind machine is on. In slow motion, he pushes his hair out his eyes.

AX #1: The Hallelujah Chorus.



SCENE #5 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Well, you and I could never have matching haircuts. I couldn't pull off the Bert like you do, Nole.

RAFA pulls out his phone again. He is about to start texting when it rings.

RAFA: Hello?



SCENE #6 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I know what happened at the trophy ceremony.



SCENE #7 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA.

RAFA: Well, it was televised, no?



SCENE #8 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge will be very disappointed. Actually, he won't, because he likes me more than you.



SCENE #9 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: His. Name. Is. Rogelio.

In the background, NOLE rolls his eyes.



SCENE #10 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: You may have tried to back pedal, and say it was all stupid that Novak thinks you're the GOAT, but -

Suddenly, the door opens. ROGER has opened it.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?



SCENE #11 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. You are so whipped.

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Was that a yes-whatever or a no-whatever?

RAFA: ...I think I will take a siesta now.

NOLE: But we're nearly there! We'll be landing in Bogota soon!

A pause.

NOLE: Or should I say... BROgota?

RAFA: Nole. No.

3 comments:

plentydorian said...

1000000% epic win!

OrrSoi3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna said...

this is brilliant! i really had a long hearty laugh! just the names alone made me cry with so much laughter! i hope this goes on! Kudos to Jodi!

Just can't stop laughing every time Roger calls Stan "My friend Stanley"!