Broland Garros

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted here (you know, just a year, no biggie!) But I’m still around, promise, and I do still care a lot about tennis. I will try and write here a bit, but if that doesn’t happen, what with my busy life and such, you can always catch me on Twitter at @JodiMcA.

This is for PJ, LJ, Cecilia, and everyone who begged (BEGGED!) me to write another episode of the Rogelio Show.

SCENE #1 [INT] – MEN’S LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS

RAFA and NOLE are sitting on a couch.

NOLE: And then I hit another winner – all blam! blam blam blam! – and then I won.

RAFA: [not listening] Hmmm.

NOLE: Bro?

No response.

NOLE: Rafa? Rafa?!

RAFA: What?

NOLE: You weren’t even listening.

RAFA: Sorry. I drifted off for a minute, no? I was... daydreaming.

SCENE #2 [EXT] – RAFA’S MIND. A WATER COURT IN ABU DHABI.

AX Cue 2.1 – Sophie Zelmani, ‘I Will Remember You’

RAFA and ROGER frolic on the water court, hitting tennis balls to each other and finally settling for just splashing water at each other and giggling like little kids. The drops of water sparkle like diamonds.

SCENE #3 [INT] – MEN’S LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS

NOLE: [waving his hand in front of Rafa’s eyes] Earth to Rafa! Roland Garros to Rafa!

RAFA: Sorry, Novak. I’m listening now, I promise.

NOLE: It’s all right. I was just telling you about how I won my first round match. You can probably imagine how it went.

RAFA just looks at NOLE.

NOLE: You don’t want to imagine it? All right. I won. Straight sets.

RAFA: Well done.

NOLE: Thanks.

A long silence. A tumbleweed rolls across the locker room floor as NOLE desperately thinks of what to say next.

NOLE: Nice weather we’re having.

RAFA: Yes.

Silence.

NOLE: I’m so glad we can hang out like this, Rafa. Number #1 and Number #2, hanging out, being bros – this is the way it’s meant to be.

RAFA: Mmmm.

Silence.

NOLE: I hate blue clay.

RAFA: [animatedly] I hate blue clay too!

NOLE: It is so stupid!

RAFA: It is the stupidest!

NOLE: It is stupider than on court coaching!

RAFA: It is stupider than a one year ranking system!

NOLE: It is stupider than Roger’s hair.

Close up on RAFA’s face as a single tear trickles down his cheek.

NOLE: Oh Rafa, I’m sorry. It’s too soon, it’s –

RAFA: No, it’s okay. I’m okay.

NOLE: Are you... brokay?

RAFA sobs.

NOLE: Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know how it feels. I’ve BROken up with a few people in my time, and –

RAFA: No. No. I’m all right. I’m all right.

NOLE: Hey, thinking of blue clay makes me cry too.

RAFA smiles weakly.

RAFA: Blue clay is stupid.

NOLE: The stupidest. Would it make you feel better if we sang about it?

RAFA: Maybe.

NOLE: Awesome.

RAFA: [sotto voce] We always used to sing together.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

  

Blue Clay [to the tune of ‘Call Me’ by Blondie, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Blue’s a stupid colour, Rafa

Blue clay really bites

RAFA:

Blue’s a stupid colour, Nole

Even without lights

NOLE:

It’s slippery and it plays real bad!

RAFA:

That stuff makes me really mad!

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Blue clay)

NOLE:

Is stupid!

Only morons like that shit!

RAFA:

Blue clay!

NOLE:

(Blue clay)

RAFA:

We hate it!

We don’t like it one little bit.

RAFA and NOLE:

Blue clay.

RAFA:

Cover it with red clay, Madrid

Cover that stuff up.

NOLE:

Until there’s no more blue clay round here

We will not shut up.

RAFA:

If it stays, we won’t go there!

NOLE:

You’ll just have Roger and his hair!

RAFA:

Blue clay!

NOLE:

(Blue clay)

RAFA:

Is evil!

It makes me physically ill.

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Blue clay)

NOLE:

Is crap!

Are you listening, Ion Tiriac?

RAFA and NOLE:

Blue clay.

NOLE:

Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh clay makes us feel like cows on ice.

RAFA:

Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh clay isn’t very nice – not at all nice!

NOLE:

Blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh clay will go at any price – any price!

RAFA:

Any price, anything, any means, anyway!

RAFA and NOLE:

We’ll do anything to defeat blue clay-ay!

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Blue clay)

NOLE:

Go to hell!

Without you, we did really well.

RAFA:

Blue clay!

NOLE:

(Blue clay)

RAFA:

Go away

We didn’t need you anyway.

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Blue clay)

NOLE:

You suck.

Roger won just by pure luck.

RAFA:

Blue clay!

NOLE:

(Blue clay)

RAFA:

Blue clay, why do you like Roger more than me?

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Blue clay)

NOLE:

You’re the worst

Rafa, stop putting Roger first.

RAFA:

Blue clay!

NOLE:

(Blue clay)

RAFA:

Oh blue clay! Oh... Roger.

NOLE:

Blue clay!

RAFA:

(Roger)

NOLE:

Rafa!

RAFA:

Call me, call me, my Roger...

NOLE: Bro, what happened! The song was going so great! We were singing about how much we hate blue clay and then you got all mushy on me!

RAFA: The memories are just so fresh, no? And don’t call me –

Enter ROGER and PAPA LJUBS.

ROGER: Hi guys! I heard you singing! I have to say, I think you’re being a bit unfair to blue clay. I know it’s slippery but real champions can adjust to any surface and –

RAFA: Get out!

NOLE: Yeah, Roger, get out. Rafa’s with me now.

ROGER: Oh. Okay. Sorry to come in. To my own locker room. Sorry to have offended you so, Novak. I must mind my manners around you, Mr I Have Five Slams. Oh sorry, what was that? I have sixteen, bitch, and –

RAFA: Not you, Rogelio. Him.

ROGER: Ivan? He just popped in to say hi.

RAFA: He is dead to me!

SCENE #4 [EXT] – RAFA’S MIND.

AX Cue 4.1 – O Fortuna

PAPA LJUBS spontaneously combusts.

SCENE #5 [INT] – MEN’S LOCKER ROOM AT ROLAND GARROS

ROGER: ...why?

PAPA LJUBS: Something I said six years ago. He’s still mad. Let’s go.

ROGER: Six years? Rafa, that is a long time to hold a grudge. You need to move on.

Exit ROGER and PAPA LJUBS.

NOLE: Much as it pains me to say it, he’s right, Rafa. You do have to move on.

RAFA: [sotto voce, a single tear rolling down his cheek] I can’t. I can’t move on.

SCENE #6 [EXT] – THE PATH TO THE PRACTICE COURTS

ROGER is walking to the practice courts, rackets etc in hand.

ROGER: [internal monologue] Rafa sure has been behaving strangely lately – wow, look at my hair in that nearby shiny surface. It looks awesome – like swirls of Lindt chocolate. I am the GOAT of hair. Self five.

ROGER high fives himself.

ROGER: [internal monologue] But something is definitely up with Rafa. We had such a good time at that Netjets thing, but then I heard from FeVer that he went back to his room and cried for five hours because it was ‘the last time’. Of course, he might have been crying because he was looking at FeVer’s hair – it’s hard to tell. He doesn’t have awesome hair like me – wow, Rog, you are looking soooo smooooth today. The all black is a rocking look. Very sharp. Like evening wear. Hey, I wonder if I can wear a tie to play in at Wimbledon this year. That would look BAD ASS. Mental note: talk to Nike re getting a badass awesome sports tie. What was I thinking about? Oh yes. Rafa. I hope he doesn’t think we had a fight or something. I don’t think we had a fight. If we did, I was distracted. I mean, I know we disagree about that whole ranking system thing, but please, I’m right, and he should listen when I tell him he’s being stupid. He knows he’s not allowed to have his own opinions. It’s not good for him. It musses up his hair. But come to think of it, he has been looking a bit bald recently... oh dear. Mental note: check to see if I accidentally had a fight with Rafa without noticing. After I hit up Nike about that tie idea. Maybe it can be gold. A gold tie. How rad would that be?

ROGER turns the corner to the practice court, stops, and gasps.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley! What are you doing?

The camera pans across to MY FRIEND STANLEY and LA MONF. The practice court is strewn with huge amounts of stuff – computers, iPads, pieces of furniture, cars, whatever you can think of.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge! What are you doing here?

ROGER: It’s time for my practice. You didn’t think the crowd of fans ten deep at the fence with the Swiss flags was for you, did you? What are you doing? Why have you mussed up my court with all this stuff?

LA MONF: We’re gambling.

ROGER: Gambling? Oh My Friend Stanley, not again. I thought I gave you a pep talk about this terrible addiction of yours when we were in Australia for Davis Cup. Remember, I let you have the top bunk that one night?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah... I fell asleep.

ROGER: You fell asleep while I was talking?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, I’d had a big day! Lleyton and I were deep in the fifth, and –

ROGER: I don’t want to hear it. I’m leaving. I’m going to find a court that hasn’t been all ruined by your terrible habit.

ROGER turns and almost runs straight into RAFA.

SCENE #7 [EXT] – RAFA’S MIND

AX Cue 7.1 – Sophie Zelmani, 'I Will Remember You'

Slow motion close up on ROGER’s face. His Lindt chocolate curls are gently ruffled by the breeze.

SCENE #8 [EXT] – THE PRACTICE COURTS

ROGER: Rafa? What are you doing here?

RAFA: G-g-going to my practice.

ROGER: Can I practice with you? Look what My Friend Stanley has done to my practice court!

RAFA: I – I –

LA MONF: Not so fast.

ROGER: Excuse me?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, you see... that is... Roge –

RAFA: [sotto voce] His name is Rogelio.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: There’s something I have to tell you.

ROGER: What is it, My Friend Stanley?

LA MONF: You’re right. We’ve been gambling. And he’s been losing. Badly.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’m nearly cleaned out, Roge. I’ve bet everything and lost it all. The only things I have left are my Homer Simpson doll and – and –

ROGER: And what, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: And –

LA MONF: And his bro. That means you, Roger.

ROGER: What? No! You can’t bet me like that! For starters, I’m not –

LA MONF: If Stan loses this point, then you’re my bro – Broge.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio!

Everyone looks at RAFA.

RAFA: What? Did you hear something? I didn’t hear something. Maybe it was the wind, no?

ROGER: My Friend Stanley, I am very cross with you. I am never letting you have the top bunk again.

LA MONF: Your serve, Stan.

LA MONF and MY FRIEND STANLEY navigate their way around the piles of stuff to the actual court. MY FRIEND STANLEY serves. He and LA MONF play an epic point until LA MONF does the splits then does a backflip and hits the ball between his legs one handed while standing on his other hand. It’s a winner. MY FRIEND STANLEY hangs his head. LA MONF celebrates like a lunatic.

LA MONF: You’re mine now, Roger! You’re my bro! I always wanted a high-status bro, but I never dreamed –

A wristband hits LA MONF in the face. The camera follows it as it drifts to the ground. Close up on the Nike swoosh under the raging bull horns.

LA MONF: What is this?

RAFA: A challenge.

LA MONF: What?

ROGER: What?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: What?

RAFA: I challenge you to a tennis duel for the bro-hood of Rogelio.

LA MONF: Is that a thing? That you can do?

RAFA: You won him off My Friend Stanley, who did not appreciate him. I will win him back.

ROGER: Rafa, I – I’m so flattered – I –

RAFA: Hush. I issued the challenge. You pick the terms.

LA MONF: Fine. I choose Paris.

RAFA: Well, duh. Home crowd advantage. And as if either of us is going anywhere while the tournament’s still going on.

LA MONF: This afternoon.

RAFA: Fine.

LA MONF: And the surface...

RAFA: Yes?

Close up on LA MONF’s face as he grins.

LA MONF: Blue. Clay.

SCENE #9 [EXT] – THE ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE IS A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE

AX Cue #9.1 – O Fortuna

The camera pans around the stadium. It’s less of a stadium, more of a random practice court. Despite the epic grandeur the camera and the music are trying to create, it’s pretty much empty apart from a few random spectators, who are all ATP players.

SCENE #10 [INT] – THE LOCKER ROOM AND THE ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS.

Compared to the Roland Garros locker room, the locker room here looks like a shed. This may be because it is, in fact, a shed.

RAFA is lacing up his shoes.

RAFA: [to himself] I have no chance of winning. I hate blue clay, no? I will have to bring my best tennis to even win a point. Is impossible for me to win.

Enter ROGER.

ROGER: Rafa...?

RAFA: Roger! What are you doing here?

ROGER: I wanted to wish you luck.

RAFA: Thank you.

ROGER: And... I know we’ve had some rough times recently. We haven’t been as close as we once were. And... that makes me sad.

AX Cue 10.1 – Love Story (with Jodi’s tennis lyrics)

RAFA: It’s been hard. I’ve missed you.

ROGER: I missed you too. Once I noticed we were fighting. I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me, Rafa. I don’t want to be bros with La Monf. I mean, he’s all right, but he’s not –

RAFA: My Friend Stanley?

ROGER: You.

A single tear trickles down RAFA’s face.

RAFA: Oh Rogelio.

ROGER: Don’t cry, Rafa. You have a tennis match to win. And you are going to win it. I believe in you.

RAFA: I will give my best tennis.

ROGER: You always do. And – maybe this is too much to ask, but – will you wear something for me?

RAFA: Wear something for you?

ROGER: You know, like in those medieval jousting tournaments, where the ladies would give their favourite knight their handkerchief so he could wear it as a token of their favour. Will you wear –

ROGER solemnly produces a black sock.

ROGER: - this for me?

RAFA takes the sock.

RAFA: With pride, Rogelio. With pride.

SCENE #11 [EXT] – THE ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE IS A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE

RAFA and LA MONF stand at the net.

RAFA: Oh no! We forgot an umpire! What are we going to do about that?

LA MONF: La Bronf... I like the sound of that. What, sorry?

RAFA: An umpire! We need one!

LA MONF: Who’s here watching? Surely we can ask one of them.

RAFA: Good plan.

LA MONF: Oh look – Ivan Ljubicic just walked in. He’s a great guy, very fair, and –

RAFA: He is dead to me!

LA MONF: Um, okay... how about Tomas Berdych? He’s over there, and –

RAFA: He is also dead to me!

LA MONF: Wow. You have a lot of rage, man. What about Robin Soderling? I don’t know what he’s doing here, but –

RAFA: He is the deadest to me of all!

LA MONF: Is there anyone here that isn’t dead to you?!

Enter MY FRIEND STANLEY.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’ll do it.

RAFA: [at the same time as LA MONF] What? You won’t be fair!

LA MONF: [at the same time as RAFA] I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Think about it. I don’t want either of you to have Roge for your bro. Whichever one of you wins, I lose, so I don’t really care which one of you wins.

RAFA and LA MONF look at each other.

RAFA: All right.

LA MONF: Let’s do it.

RAFA sprints to his baseline. LA MONF cartwheels to his. MY FRIEND STANLEY clambers up to the umpire’s chair.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Welcome, everyone, to the one blue clay court in Paris that totally exists because shut up it does! We’re here today to see who gets to be bros with Roge. To the left of the chair – Gael Monfils. And to the right of the chair – Rafael Nadal. I can’t be bothered with all that coin toss and warm up business, because, let’s be honest, this is already too painful for me, so Rafa will serve.

Close up on Roger.

ROGER: Vamos, Rafa.

Cut back to RAFA, bouncing the ball as he prepares to serve.

RAFA: For you, Roger.

RAFA serves an ace.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to win. Or... is it?

Pan down to RAFA’s socks. One is white – his own. The other is black.

SCENE #12 [EXT] – THE ONE BLUE CLAY COURT IN ALL OF PARIS BECAUSE SHUT UP THERE TOTALLY IS ONE THIS IS FICTIONAL ALL RIGHT AND IF I SAY THERE IS A BLUE CLAY COURT IN PARIS THERE IS A FREAKING BLUE CLAY COURT THERE

The rest of the match passes in a blur of RAFA awesomeness and the occasional bit of random extreme gymnastics from LA MONF.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Jeu, Rafa. Jeu, Rafa. Jeu, Rafa.

Finally, it is match point. LA MONF is serving. RAFA slides ten feet into a crushing forehand return which LA MONF cannot reach, despite attempting to backflip over to it.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Jeu, set et match, Rafa.

ROGER: Rafa!

ROGER rushes onto the court and stops just before he throws his arms around RAFA.

ROGER: Is this all right? Can I hug you?

RAFA: Of course you can hug me – Rogelio.

ROGER: I’ve missed hearing you say that.

MY FRIEND STANLEY looks over wistfully at ROGER and RAFA.

AX Cue 12.1 – Sophie Zelmani, ‘I Will Remember You’

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I’ll miss you... Roge.

LA MONF: Cheer up, Stan. He’ll come back to you. He always does. And then I’ll win him off you for real.

A single tear rolls down MY FRIEND STANLEY’s cheek.

LA MONF: Want to get out of here and play some Playstation?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sure.

LA MONF and MY FRIEND STANLEY leave together, a new bromance beginning to bloom.

ROGER: Let’s get out of here. I know how you feel about blue clay.

RAFA: I’m warming up to it. Not much, but still. Where will we go?

ROGER: Anywhere you like.

RAFA: Just a second – there’s one thing I have to do first.

RAFA pulls out his phone.

SCENE #13 [INT] – NOLE’S HOTEL ROOM

NOLE is tucking into a crème brulee when his phone beeps. He checks the message then drops his spoon and claps his hand to his mouth in horror. TROICKI comes running at the sound.

TROICKI: What is it, master – I mean, Nole?

NOLE: I can’t believe it. No. NO.

TROICKI: No... le?

NOLE: This is no time for jokes. Rafa just BROke up with me.

TROICKI: I’m sorry. If you need a new bro, I’m available. Seriously, I am so available.

NOLE: Shut up, minion.

Close up on NOLE’s face as a single tear runs down his cheek.

NOLE: He never even called me Creme Brole.

SCENE #14 [EXT] – ROLAND GARROS

RAFA and ROGER are walking side by side.

RAFA: I think this is my favourite tournament in the whole world.

ROGER: I like it too.

RAFA: I like it better with you.

ROGER and RAFA look at each other. And then they giggle.

ROGER: I missed you. Ever since I realised this afternoon that you were angry with me, I missed you.

RAFA: Nothing in the world is as nice without you, Rogelio. This is destiny. We are meant to be.

The lights go down, the music comes up.

Federer, Federer [to the tune of ‘Whenever, Wherever’ by Shakira, words by Jodi]

RAFA:

Roger, when we spent that time apart I

Really thought my heart was breaking

Roger, when you’re gone it’s feels like I’m

In a prison of my own making

Roger I would play on blue clay solely

If I thought it would make you gleeful

You are the one, my one and only

With you I’m always cheerful

Rogelio-oh-oh, Rogelio-oh-oh

Don’t you know

I am your bro!

Federer, Federer

We’re meant to be together

I am here and you are near

We’re together, my Roger.

Ljubicic, and Berdych

I’ll make peace if that is your wish

If you say so then they won’t be

So extremely dead to me.

Roger, when you’re gone you make me feel blue

 Like blue clay – I’m so off-balance.

Roger, you’re for me like I’m for you

That Nole stuff was just a dalliance.

Roger, when you’re gone I feel all empty

Like a locker room on the last day.

When you’re not around my hair’s unkempt-y

By the way, your hair’s great today.

Rogelio-oh-oh, Rogelio-oh-oh

Hope you know

I am your bro!

Federer, Federer

We’re meant to be together

I am here and you are near

And that’s the deal, Roger.

Soderling – anything

I’ll make up if that’s a big thing

That you would like me to do

I’ll do anything for you.

Rogelio-oh-oh, Rogelio-oh-oh

If you missed it

I’ll say it again

Rogelio-oh-oh-oh!

I’ll say it one more time

Don’t you know

I am your bro!

Federer, Federer

We’re meant to be together

I am here and you are near

We’re together, my Roger.

Together, Federer

You are my destiny!

 I’m happy just to know

That you really want to be my bro.

Federer, Federer

We’re meant to be together

I am here and you are near

We’re together, my Roger.

Together, Federer

You are my destiny!

 I’m happy just to know

That you really want to be my bro.

ROGER: Great song, Rafa! And I do you really want to be your bro.

RAFA: I thought it was impossible you would want to be my bro. I am so happy!

ROGER: I really like your song. Sounds like Shakira. Did she help you write it?

RAFA: A little.

AX Cue 14.1 – ‘Federer, Federer’ (Coda) plays as ROGER and RAFA walk off into the sunset as the dying light shines on the red courts.