Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.
AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You
The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.
ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!
RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.
ROGER: Hi.
RAFA: Hi.
ROGER and RAFA giggle.
RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.
ROGER: Well -
RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?
ROGER: Sure.
RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.
ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!
Enter NOLE.
NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.
ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.
Enter A-Rod.
A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.
NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.
A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?
NOLE: I'd like to see you try.
A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -
NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.
RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.
A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.
ROGER: It's okay.
NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.
A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.
RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.
Enter FEVER and FERRU.
FEVER: Hola, Rafa!
FERRU: Hi guys!
A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?
ROGER: Be nice, Andy.
FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.
FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.
FEVER: Nalbandian?
FERRU: No. Other Other David.
FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.
RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?
NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?
RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?
A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.
RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!
A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.
RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.
NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.
ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -
Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.
THE YOKER: Hello.
RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!
THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!
RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?
THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?
RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.
THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.
ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.
Enter BIG BERD.
BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!
ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.
Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.
RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.
ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.
NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?
ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.
BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?
ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.
BIG BERD: That's -
ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!
EVERYONE sits.
RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.
ROGER: I'm fine.
RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?
ROGER: Not today.
THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.
RAFA: Hey!
THE YOKER: Why are we here?
ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!
ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?
Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.
MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -
ROGER: Yes, we mind.
MUZZ: You're so mean.
RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!
THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!
BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?
NOLE: Exactly.
A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.
FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.
FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?
ROGER: SILENCE!
Silence.
RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.
ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.
NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.
ROGER: Nole -
NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.
ROGER: That is not the point.
NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.
RAFA: Novak, behave.
NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -
RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
NOLE subsides and sits down.
FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.
RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.
ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?
THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?
ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -
RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!
A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.
THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.
BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.
NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.
A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.
ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.
SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]
ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying
We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.
It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all
It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.
We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.
ROGER: Is that clear?
A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.
RAFA: Rogelio is King!
NOLE: Dude. Please.
ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.
FERRU: Time for what?
ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.
A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?
EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.
FEVER: ...what?
ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -
THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.
EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.
THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.
FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.
FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.
FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!
NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.
NOLE high fives himself.
A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?
NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.
A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.
NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?
A-ROD: ...Memphis.
NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.
ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.
EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.
MUZZ: What?
ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.
MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.
ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.
EVERYONE: ...who?
ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.
MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.
A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -
MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.
ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.
A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?
ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.
RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.
NOLE: Spew.
ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.
MUZZ: No! You can't do this!
ROGER: There are Playstations out there.
MUZZ: Oh! Okay!
THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.
FEVER: I don't want to go either!
ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.
FEVER: Where is the door again?
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.
ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.
MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.
ROGER: The other Andy.
MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!
A-ROD: Oh, shut up.
Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.
ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.
A-ROD: Thanks, man.
NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?
RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.
NOLE rolls his eyes.
ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.
BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.
ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.
NOLE: Troicki.
ROGER: Absolutely not.
A-ROD: No.
FERRU: Never.
THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.
NOLE: Why?
BIG BERD: No minions.
NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.
NOLE points to FERRU.
FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.
NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.
FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?
A-ROD: No minions!
BIG BERD: Monfils?
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.
A-ROD: Tsonga?
FERRU: Too always injured.
ROGER: Del Potro?
THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.
RAFA: Youzhny?
A-ROD: Too head-smashy.
NOLE: Nalbandian?
RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.
A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?
BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.
RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.
BIG BERD: Oh.
A-ROD: Mardy Fish?
FERRU: No minions!
BIG BERD: Cilic?
NOLE: Are you joking?
BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.
NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?
THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.
ROGER: His hair is too nice.
NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.
ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?
NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.
RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.
ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?
RAFA's eyes fill with tears.
RAFA: You don't mean that.
NOLE: No. Minions.
ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.
BIG BERD: I'm tired.
THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.
ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.
RAFA: Yes!
EVERYONE ELSE: No!
A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.
FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.
A-ROD: Oh.
BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.
A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.
BIG BERD: Shut up.
A-ROD: Make me.
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.
ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.
EVERYONE: No.
ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.
RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.
NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?
ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.
RAFA: I have an idea.
ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?
RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.
RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?
THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]
ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying
We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.
It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all
It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.
We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.
ROGER: Is that clear?
A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.
RAFA: Rogelio is King!
NOLE: Dude. Please.
ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.
FERRU: Time for what?
ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.
A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?
EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.
FEVER: ...what?
ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -
THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.
EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.
THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.
FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.
FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.
FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!
NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.
NOLE high fives himself.
A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?
NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.
A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.
NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?
A-ROD: ...Memphis.
NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.
ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.
EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.
MUZZ: What?
ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.
MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.
ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.
EVERYONE: ...who?
ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.
MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.
A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -
MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.
ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.
A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?
ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.
RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.
NOLE: Spew.
ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.
MUZZ: No! You can't do this!
ROGER: There are Playstations out there.
MUZZ: Oh! Okay!
THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.
FEVER: I don't want to go either!
ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.
FEVER: Where is the door again?
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.
ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.
MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.
ROGER: The other Andy.
MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!
A-ROD: Oh, shut up.
Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.
ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.
A-ROD: Thanks, man.
NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?
RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.
NOLE rolls his eyes.
ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.
BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.
ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.
NOLE: Troicki.
ROGER: Absolutely not.
A-ROD: No.
FERRU: Never.
THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.
NOLE: Why?
BIG BERD: No minions.
NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.
NOLE points to FERRU.
FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.
NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.
FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?
A-ROD: No minions!
BIG BERD: Monfils?
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.
A-ROD: Tsonga?
FERRU: Too always injured.
ROGER: Del Potro?
THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.
RAFA: Youzhny?
A-ROD: Too head-smashy.
NOLE: Nalbandian?
RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.
A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?
BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.
RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.
BIG BERD: Oh.
A-ROD: Mardy Fish?
FERRU: No minions!
BIG BERD: Cilic?
NOLE: Are you joking?
BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.
NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?
THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.
ROGER: His hair is too nice.
NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.
ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?
NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.
RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.
ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?
RAFA's eyes fill with tears.
RAFA: You don't mean that.
NOLE: No. Minions.
ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.
BIG BERD: I'm tired.
THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.
ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.
RAFA: Yes!
EVERYONE ELSE: No!
A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.
FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.
A-ROD: Oh.
BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.
A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.
BIG BERD: Shut up.
A-ROD: Make me.
JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.
ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.
EVERYONE: No.
ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.
RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.
NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?
ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.
RAFA: I have an idea.
ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?
RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.
RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?
THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.
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2 comments:
LOL! Amusing to see new casts in here!
LOL! amusing to see new casts in here!
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