...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.
Sorry.
SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.
ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!
ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!
MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.
SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.
RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.
NOLE rolls his eyes.
NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.
RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.
NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?
RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.
NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.
A silence.
NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.
RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.
NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.
RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?
NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.
RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.
SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND
AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You
RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.
Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.
RAFA: There. All better.
ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.
SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.
RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.
NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.
SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]
NOLE:
Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!
It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer
Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!
I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer
Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer
RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.
RAFA's phone beeps.
RAFA: See! He does care, no?
SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.
ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.
SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.
NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?
Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.
RAFA: Give me that sombrero.
SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA
A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...
SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.
ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!
ROGER: ...what?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!
ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!
ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?
ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.
SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?
RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.
NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?
RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.
NOLE's face darkens.
NOLE: You called him Rogelio.
RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?
RAFA's phone rings.
RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?
SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: Rafa?
SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
A moment of breathless silence.
RAFA: ...Rogelio?
NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.
SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: Is that Novak?
SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.
SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?
SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: They BROke up.
SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.
SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?
NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.
RAFA: I feel dirty.
SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.
SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]
ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.
When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me
Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.
I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.
I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.
When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.
Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.
SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA wipes away tears.
RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.
SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!
SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.
RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.
NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.
RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.
NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...
RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -
Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.
RAFA: - is Rogelio.
Sorry.
SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.
ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!
ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!
MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.
SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.
RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.
NOLE rolls his eyes.
NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.
RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.
NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?
RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.
NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.
A silence.
NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.
RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.
NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.
RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?
NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.
RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.
SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND
AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You
RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.
Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.
RAFA: There. All better.
ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.
SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.
RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.
NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.
SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]
NOLE:
Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!
It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer
Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!
I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer
Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer
RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.
RAFA's phone beeps.
RAFA: See! He does care, no?
SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.
ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.
SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA
The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.
NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?
Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.
RAFA: Give me that sombrero.
SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA
A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...
SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.
ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!
ROGER: ...what?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!
ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!
ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -
MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?
ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.
SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?
RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.
NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?
RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.
NOLE's face darkens.
NOLE: You called him Rogelio.
RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?
RAFA's phone rings.
RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?
SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: Rafa?
SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
A moment of breathless silence.
RAFA: ...Rogelio?
NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.
SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: Is that Novak?
SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.
SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?
SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: They BROke up.
SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.
SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?
NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.
RAFA: I feel dirty.
SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.
SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]
ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.
When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me
Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.
I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.
I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.
When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.
Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.
SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA wipes away tears.
RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.
SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE
ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?
MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!
SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA
RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.
RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.
NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.
RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.
NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...
RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -
Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.
RAFA: - is Rogelio.
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2 comments:
This is FABROLOUS. Seriously you need to make this a side-career - writing film scripts/musicals for tennis bromance!
Au naturel, that you are!
I don't know how I ended up writing what is basically the tennis version of Glee.
But then again, how have I NOT written this stuff before?
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