His Name Is Rogelio

We're doing something a bit different here beyond the baseline today. Instead of writing about tennis, we're going to do a dramatic re-enactment instead. (If anyone is foolish enough to want to make this film, you know, call me.)

This is called 'His Name Is Rogelio' and it goes out to the Federbitches.




SCENE 1 [INT]: INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

RAFA sits on a bench, looking sad and lonely. He has a towel, which he is twisting between his hands. He is very sweaty - he has just come off court after playing a long, gruelling match.

Enter IVO. He doesn't look at RAFA. He is too busy tweeting about how he just lost. He exits. RAFA sighs. He is alone. Until...

Enter ROGER, who crosses to his locker.

ROGER: Hi, Rafa.

RAFA's face breaks into a huge smile.

RAFA: Hola, Rogelio! How are you? What is going on? What are you doing here? I just played a match! When do you play a match? Where have you been?

ROGER: How did your match go?

RAFA: I won. Just. Is impossible to win easy, no?

ROGER: That's great!

A silence. ROGER and RAFA look at each other, and then giggle like little schoolboys for approximately fifteen minutes. Eventually...

RAFA: What are you doing here? hee hee hee.

ROGER: Oh, you know how I'm playing doubles with My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's face darkens.

RAFA: Yes. Hey, remember how we played doubles at the Rally for Relief? We should do that in a tournament sometime!

ROGER: Maybe. I like playing with My Friend Stanley. Are you crying?

RAFA (sniffing): No.

ROGER: Well, I have a yellow shirt and he has a blue shirt. He wore a yellow shirt yesterday, so I think it's my turn to match him. I asked Nike to send me a blue shirt.

RAFA: I have a green shirt. You would look so nice in green.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa. You are a nice boy. How's your doubles going?

RAFA: It's fine. Hey Roger, want to play -

ROGER: Anyway, I just came to see if my new blue shirt - you know, so I can match My Friend Stanley - has arrived.

ROGER opens his locker. 45 blue shirts fall out.

ROGER: Wow! I guess Nike really like me.

RAFA: Nike really like me too! We are Nike bros!

ROGER: Yes, Rafa, we are totally Nike bros.

More giggling.

ROGER: Anyway, I should take my shirts and go. I'm off to dinner.

RAFA: Where are you going?

ROGER: Oh, I don't know. I'll let Mirka decide. It'll be nice. A real family dinner. Me, Mirka, the kids... and My Friend Stanley. Bye, Rafa!

Exit ROGER

RAFA sniffs. He is near tears.

RAFA: Is impossible for him to like My Friend Stanley as much as likes me, no?

Enter OTHER LOPEZ

OTHER LOPEZ: Hey Rafa, want to come to late late Spanish dinner when you've done your press and stuff?

RAFA: Not this time, Other Lopez.

OTHER LOPEZ: What do you mean, no? I'm your doubles partner! I'm your bro! I'm Bropez!

RAFA: I am tired after my match. Tired and sad.

OTHER LOPEZ: Why can't we be BFFs like Roger and My Friend Stanley?

RAFA: ROGER IS NOT BEST FRIENDS WITH MY FRIEND STANLEY HE IS BEST FRIENDS WITH MEEEEEEEEE!

OTHER LOPEZ: Whoa. Chill. Later, dudelio.

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

RAFA stares into the middle distance, trying not to cry. After a moment, enter NOLE

NOLE: Hey Rafa, want to play an awesomely badly timed and inconveniently located exho with me in Bogota the day after the final?

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Awesome!

Exit NOLE

RAFA: What? No! That was a NO-WHATEVER, not a YES-WHATEVER, Nole!

Exit RAFA after NOLE, running.




SCENE 2 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

Enter RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ. OTHER LOPEZ is dressed identically to RAFA, except for his shoes.

OTHER LOPEZ: Are you excited, Rafa? I'm excited! Remember how we won here last year?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to remember, no? I have won so many things.

OTHER LOPEZ: Well, it was awesome! We're awesome! We're the best team ever! Rafa and Bropez RULE, man!

RAFA: Whatever.

A pause.

RAFA: That was a yes-whatever. We, um, rule.

OTHER LOPEZ: VAMOS! Let's play tennis! Let's beat those Swiss cheeses!

AX #1: Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You

Enter ROGER, in slow motion. The wind machine starts up and blows his chocolate curls back. In slow motion. RAFA stares at him, lovestruck.

ROGER: Hi Rafa! Like my new blue shirt?

RAFA: You look... beautiful.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, why have you fallen to your knees? Is that why you injure them all the time?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah Rafa, why?

MY FRIEND STANLEY emerges from behind RAFA.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Don't Roger and I look great, Rafa? Don't we look like... best friends?

RAFA: I'm ranked #1 in the world.

ROGER: Dude.

RAFA: Sorry, Roger! I did not mean to offend you! For me you are the greatest player, you know -

ROGER: What, were you saying something before? I just meant, dude, get up, we have to start the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, me and Roger are going to kick your arse.

RAFA: I won't let you, My Friend Stanley. You can't intimidate me.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you.

RAFA: Prove it.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, who am I?

ROGER: You're My Friend Stanley! Come on, let's play!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: That's right. I'm his friend Stanley. And who are you...?

MY FRIEND STANLEY and ROGER walk to their side of the net. RAFA stares after them, a tear in his eye.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, come on! We have to start the match!

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO.




SCENE #3 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

A tennis montage. ROGER hits some awesome shots, mostly in slow motion, chocolate curls flying artistically. RAFA hits a few monstrous forehands, a few right at MY FRIEND STANLEY. MY FRIEND STANLEY reciprocates with some backhand winners. OTHER LOPEZ tries to get RAFA to notice him.

End of the first set. RAFA is serving. It is deuce, deciding point. If RAFA wins this point, the set goes to a tiebreaker. If he loses, ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY will win the set.

RAFA throws the ball in the air for his first serve... and suddenly we are in his mind.




SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA's mind

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you!

ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY sit next to a campfire, warming their hands. Gradually, slowly, ROGER moves his hands so he is warming them on MY FRIEND STANLEY.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley...

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yes, Roge?

ROGER: Can I call you... My Best Friend Stanley?

RAFA: Nooooooooooooo!




SCENE #5 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

MY FRIEND STANLEY grins evilly at RAFA, who grits his teeth.

RAFA: No. I will not let him defeat me.

OTHER LOPEZ: Come on, bro! You can do it!

RAFA: Who are you again?

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I'm BROPEZ!

RAFA: Oh.

RAFA throws the ball in the air to serve again, and... he looks into ROGER's eyes.




SCENE #6 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

RAFA: And what are you going to give me? for the present?

ROGER: I'll give you the first set.

RAFA and ROGER giggle like little schoolboys.

RAFA: We are bros, no? BEST bros?

ROGER: Totally. And bros give each other presents, don't they?




SCENE #7 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

UMPIRE: Game, first set, Federer and Wawrinka, seven games to five!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Woo! Yeah! Hopp Suisse! We are the Swiss! The mighty mighty Swiss! See you soon! On the moon! We are the best, aren't we, Roger!

ROGER: We rock, My Friend Stanley!

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, what were you doing?

RAFA: For you, Rogelio. The first set, it was for you. My gift.




SCENE #8 [EXT] - INDIAN WELLS, CENTRE COURT

Another montage. ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY clearly have the upper hand. OTHER LOPEZ is alternately flabbergasted and trying to make RAFA remember he's there. RAFA is distracted by the slow motion wind machine glory going on near ROGER.

Eventually, MY FRIEND STANLEY is serving for the match. RAFA hits a huge forehand which MY FRIEND STANLEY cannot get to. RAFA does a double fistpump.

UMPIRE: Forty thirty.

MY FRIEND STANLEY serves to OTHER LOPEZ, who loses the point.

UMPIRE: Game, set, match, Federer and Wawrinka, two sets to love. Seven five, six three.

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I am SO SAD we lost. Rafa and Bropez are out of the tournament. What are we going to do?

RAFA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

OTHER LOPEZ: Which whatever was that?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, do you think I was on fire? Want to warm your hands on me?

ROGER: Not today, My Friend Stanley. I'm a bit tired.

MY FRIEND STANLEY is crestfallen. Slowly, a huge smile spreads over RAFA's face.

ROGER: Good match, Rafa.

RAFA: Thanks, Rogelio. Good luck for the final.

ROGER: Thanks.

ROGER and RAFA shake hands. They hold hands for a moment longer than is strictly appropriate. They stare into each others' eyes, sympatico on every level.




SCENE #9 [INT] - INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

ROGER, MY FRIEND STANLEY, RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ are all towelling down and doing that kind of thing after the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey, there's a note in my locker! It landed right on top of Homer Simpson's head!

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, you never leave notes in my locker.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: This is so sweet, Roge.

ROGER (doing his hair): Mmm? It's not from me. I was too busy reading The Elegant Universe to write notes.

OTHER LOPEZ: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY (unfolding the note): 'Dear My ENEMY Stanley, is impossible for Roger to like you more than me. Has he ever played exhibitions for charity with you? NO. Did you play doubles and ping pong tennis with him in Australia? NO. Do you have the GOAT bromance? Do you have a gigglefits video? Did you hug him and nearly make out with him when you beat him in Australia in 2009? NO. You may be His Friend Stanley, but I am HIS BROTHER, no?'

A silence. Everyone looks at RAFA.

RAFA: I didn't write that. Doesn't even sound like me, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course it was you! Who else could it be?

RAFA: All right, it was me - because I am the ONLY ONE he does those things with. ROGELIO LIKES ME THE BEST.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, NO, bitch. Has ROGE ever let you take a picture of him with Homer Simpson sitting on his cap brim? NO.

RAFA: Well, I don't play with dolls, LOSER. And anyway, Fedal sounds WAY cooler than Fedrinka. What is that? It sounds like something you use to fix your sink!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, well, Fedal sounds like something you would eat for dinner! With rice!

OTHER LOPEZ: Why don't you ever fight over ME, Rafa?

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, who is that guy again?

RAFA: Other Lopez. Bropez. Something. I can't remember.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Anyway, fighting again. How many gold medals have you won, bitch?

RAFA: Um, ONE.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: How many have you won WITH ROGE?

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY grab each other and throw down on the floor of the locker room.

ROGER (giggling): Oh boys, don't fight over little old me!

Enter MIRKA.

MIRKA: FEDERBITCHES!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting.

ROGER: Hello, Mirka.

ROGER kisses MIRKA's cheek.

MIRKA: What is going on here?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting and look sheepish.

MIRKA: On your feet, both of you.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stand up.

MIRKA: Were you two fighting over who Roger loves the most again?

ROGER: Guys, you know I love you both.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But I'm Your Friend Stanley! You love ME!

RAFA: But we have a fine bromance!

MIRKA: Ahem.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've had this conversation before. No more fighting over Roger. He worries that you'll get hurt and it musses up his hair.

RAFA: Nothing could muss up your hair, Roger. That's why I got my hair cut just like you.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Loser.

RAFA: Ewok.

MIRKA: Boys.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've talked about this, remember? Roger is very good friends with both of you.

ROGER: Yeah, love you guys!

MIRKA: But when it comes to who he loves most, the answer is...

AX #2: Drumroll.

RAFA: Please choose me, Rogelio.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I love you so much, Roge.

MIRKA: ...me. Guys, haven't you figured that out yet?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY both look crestfallen.

MIRKA: Come on, Roger. Charlene and Myla have woken up and I need another pair of hands to change nappies.

Exit MIRKA.

ROGER: Isn't she the best? See you guys.

Exit ROGER.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stare after him mournfully.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, if Mirka's #1, then I'm #2.

RAFA: No, I'm #2, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I'm #2!

RAFA: I'd be a better #2!

Enter NOLE

NOLE: I thought I was the one fighting to be #2.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: SHUT UP!

The First Kiddies

Three very important people in the world of tennis were born today. None of them actually play the game (at least, not very well) but all three of them have changed the way we view the sport.

The first of them is obviously me. I mean, what would modern tennis be without my wondrous incredibly insightful ramblings on Tennis From The Backseat wherein I am always right, never repeat myself and write excellent things all the time, because I am just that awesome?

The other two (who may be, I concede, sliiiiiiiiiiiiiightly more worldshaking) are Charlene Riva and Myla Rose Federer, who turn one year old today. I don't know if Mama and Papa Federbear have let them touch a tennis racquet in their life, but these two little munchkins have changed the tennis landscape in a palpable way. They really are the Mighty Babes, the First Children of tennis.

Everyone wondered, when Mirka Federer's pregnancy was announced, whether having kids would effectively turn Roger's mighty tennis mind into mush and whether he would ever be the same again. He proved them wrong, most emphatically. He said himself that he wondered, right after they found out Mirka was pregnant, whether he would be able to concentrate... and then stepped out on court at the Australian Open and beat Juan Martin del Potro 6-3 6-0 6-0, which was a bit all right.

And then he won the French Open.

And then he won Wimbledon.

And then his daughters were born, and it was all, 'oh, all right, they're here now, will he start going downhill?'

Roger might not be playing fantastically at this very moment, but he has been so awesome in the tennis world since Myla and Charlene were born - Australian Open, anyone - and I don't think it's any question he'll resurface when he's ready. He has said himself that he wants his kids to be able to see him play - and I think we all know that if Myla and Charlene are watching, Daddy wants to make them proud.

Happy birthday, little Federers. 23 July is when all the cool kids are born. Love, your fairy godmother.

Crushinating and Burninating

Papa Bear is in the house!

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That's right, Roger's back, with Mama Bear and Baby Bears #1 and #2 in tow, and he's ready to rumble. He may not have exactly been in cruise mode against Frederic Niemeyer, Canadian journeyman, but somehow I'm thinking that doesn't mean too much. A little rust, perhaps, but that machine still looks pretty damn well-oiled to me. The Federer Express is a-rolling on, and it'll be crushinating and burninating again very soon, mark my words.

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Someone who's not crushinating and burninating at the moment, seemingly out of nowhere, is Marin Cilic. Now we all know I'm a Marin fan - he's one of my Stars of the Future who's rapidly growing into a Star of the Present - so I'm monitoring this mini-slump quite closely. He's now had two first round exits in a row, which is unlike him - including one to Somdev Devvarman. I'm sorry, but who? I'm not too worried - I think Marin's pretty resilient - but I'll be keeping an eye on him, nonetheless. Watch yourself, boy!

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Wins also went today to Djokovic, Murray and Davydenko, whom I'll be interested to watch progress in this tournament, as well as to Tommy Haas. Now there's someone whose cranked up the crushinator and the burninator of late. He hasn't played this well for years. First he was ever so close to beating the Rog at Roland Garros. Then there was Halle and the Wimbledon semi final, and some excellent matches since. Today he negated the ever-dangerous Ivo Karlovic - I'm not about to say that he's going to win the title or anything, but I think ol' Tommy has proved he's not going to be underestimated. He's got his game face on, that's for sure!

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And speaking of game faces, the king of the game face, one Mr. Rafael Nadal, will be back on the singles court tomorrow. He's already played a bit of doubles and not looked too shabby - let's see what he's like with the world watching...

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Today's Results

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Rogers Cup (Montreal)

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Andy Roddick def. Igor Andreev, 6-1 7-6 (7-3)

Juan Martin Del Potro def. Jan Hernych, 6-2 7-5

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga def. Rainer Schuettler, 4-6 6-3 6-4

Gilles Simon def. Alejandro Falla, 4-6 6-2 6-2

Fernando Verdasco def. Leonardo Mayer, 6-1 6-1

Juan Carlos Ferrero def. Gael Monfils, 6-3 7-6 (9-7)

Philipp Petzschner def. Tommy Robredo, 7-6 (7-3) 7-6 (7-4)

Mikhail Youzhny def. John Isner, 6-7 (8-10) 6-1 6-3

Victor Hanescu def. Philipp Kohlschreiber, 6-3 4-6 7-5

Stanislas Wawrinka def. Andrey Golubev, 7-5 6-4

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Western and Southern Financial Group Women's Open (Cincincatti)

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Elena Dementieva def. Yanina Wickmayer, 6-3 6-4

Jelena Jankovic def. Maria Kirilenko, 7-6 (8-6) 6-3

Vera Zvonareva def. Alisa Kleybanova, 6-4 1-6 7-5

Caroline Wozniacki def. Aleksandra Wozniak, 4-6 6-4 6-4

Victoria Azarenka def. Anna Chakvetadze, 6-4 6-2

Melinda Czink def. Ana Ivanovic, 7-6 (8-6) 7-5

Sybille Bammer def. Agnieszka Radwanska, 6-0 7-5

Flavia Pennetta def. Agnes Szavay, 6-2 6-4

Sorana Cirstea def. Anna-Lena Groenefeld, 6-3 6-2

Daniela Hantuchova def. Alona Bondarenko, 7-5 1-6 6-4

Peng Shuai def. Maria Jose Martinez Sanches, 5-7 6-2 6-1

Kim Clijsters def. Patty Schnyder, 6-2 7-5

Family Photo

Tidbit of news - Roger Federer has just released the first photo of his new family, Roger and Mirka plus babies. It's beautiful. And at the same time, he's confirmed his participation in the Rogers Cup in Montreal.

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I don't know whether Mirka and the girls are going to go with him, which will be a very different experience for him. It's very rare to see a Roger match without faithful Mirka in the box supporting him, and on top of that, I don't think he'd be too keen on leaving his beautiful baby daughters Myla and Charlene behind. So maybe they will go with him - which will be a different experience, trying to focus on tennis with two such lovely (and presumably loud) distractions. So either way, it will be an interesting experience for Roger at the Rogers Cup.

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But what is most intriguing about Montreal is that it's sort of the first tournament back after the summer holidays and everything has changed in the interim. It's the debut of the new world order - Federer at #1, Nadal at #2, with a pair of suspect knees and Myla and Charlene along for the ride. Both the great champions of our sport have undergone signifcant changes since we last saw them. Rafa has been dealing with incredible injury as well as some pretty nasty personal stuff. Roger has become a daddy. The world has changed.

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The family photo of the ATP is now significantly different from the last time it was snapped. And it's going to be very interesting to see how that plays out on the court. Will Roger be inspired by his daughters to ascend to another, even more sublime, level of tennis and float through the US Open series on a wave of joy and brilliance? Will Rafa be so determined to prove himself after injury that he steamrolls every obstacle in his path with that mental toughness we've come to know and love so well? Or will both boys be a bit distracted and will someone else triumph?

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I can't say. And neither can anyone. And the truth is, no one will know anything until we see those guys play. The proof is in the pudding, and we can theorise as much as we choose, but until we see them play, we don't know a goddamn thing.

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Except that Myla and Charlene Federer are adorable.

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Today's Results

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Legg Mason Tennis Classic (Washington)

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Juan Martin Del Potro def. Robin Soderling, walkover

Fernando Gonzalez def. Tommy Haas, 7-5 6-4

Andy Roddick def. Ivo Karlovic, 7-6 (7-4) 7-6 (7-5)

John Isner def. Tomas Berdych, 6-3 6-7 (10-12) 6-2

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LA Women's Tennis Championships (Los Angeles)

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Sorana Cirstea def. Agnieszka Radwanska, 7-6 (7-4) 1-6 7-5

Samantha Stosur def. Jie Zheng, 4-6 6-3 6-4

A Pair of Papas

News just in, hot off the press, extra extra read all about it, etc etc. I don't know how reliable my sources are, but this just in - apparently Stan Wawrinka and his ladyfriend Ilham Vuilloud are having a baby.

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Now, I must confess that this news freaked me out just a little bit - but that's only because Stan was born in the same year I am and the likelihood of me having kids anytime soon is less than zero and it made me feel old. But then I got passed that and was all delightfully happy for them. Stan will be a wonderfully cute dad! I don't know much about his Mirka Ilham, but I'm sure she's lovely as well.
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So, what's it to be? Are Myla and Charlene Federer in for a bit of competition from little Miss Wawrinka when Wimbledon rolls round in twenty years time? Or is Roger Federer going to have to sit Stan Jr. down and tell him to watch his step round his precious baby girls? Could we see another Federer/Wawrinka doubles gold medal?

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...actually, probably not on that last one, because one assumes Myla and Charlene would play with each other and mixed isn't an Olympic sport. But maybe it will be in twenty years' time! Maybe we could see a marvellous mixed combination!

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I don't know what's in the water over there in Switzerland, but they're producing some pretty marvellous parents over there... and some babies with some pretty remarkable tennis genes. The destinies of Clan Federer and Clan Wawrinka may well be intertwined forevermore, as cemented by that wonderful gold medal last year. I'm looking forward to seeing you, baby Wawrinka - and I bet Roger's glad his precious girls will have someone to play with! What a marvellous pair of papas they shall be!

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Today's Results

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Legg Mason Tennis Championships (Washington)

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Juan Carlos Ferrero def. Tommy Robredo, 6-3 6-2

Philipp Petzschner def. Mardy Fish, 1-6 6-4 6-1

Ivo Karlovic def. Rainer Schuettler, 6-4 7-5

Andy Roddick def. Benjamin Becker, 6-3 6-2

Sam Querrey def. Igor Kunitsyn, 6-3 6-4

Wayne Odesnik def. Igor Andreev, 2-6 7-5 6-4

Fernando Gonzalez def. Alejandro Falla, 7-5 7-5

Marc Gicquel def. Viktor Troicki, 3-0 retired

Lleyton Hewitt def. Dudi Sela, 6-3 2-6 6-2

John Isner def. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, 4-6 7-6 (7-2) 7-6 (7-4)

Robin Soderling def. Mikhail Youzhny, 6-3 6-1

Sebastien de Chaunac def. Dmitry Tursunov, 3-6 7-6 (7-3) 7-5
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LA Women's Tennis Championships (Los Angeles)

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Jie Zheng def. Elena Vesnina, 6-4 4-6 6-0

Samantha Stosur def. Maria Kirilenko, 6-2 6-4
Anna Chakvetadze def. Alisa Kleybanova, 6-3 3-6 6-1

Agnieszka Radwanska def. Ai Sugiyama, 6-2 6-1

Urszula Radwanska def. Dominika Cibulkova, 6-4 6-7 (6-8) 6-4

Nadia Petrova def. Shahar Peer, 6-4 2-6 6-3

Flavia Pennetta def. Coco Vandeweghe, 6-2 6-4

Yanina Wickmayer def. Jill Craybas, 7-6 (7-2) 6-1

Dinara Safina def. Daniela Hantuchova, 6-2 6-4

Alona Bondarenko def. Lucie Safarova, 5-7 6-4 7-5

Na Li def. Aleksandra Wozniak, 4-6 6-4 6-2

Sabine Lisicki def. Ekaterina Makarova, 6-1 6-4

Maria Sharapova def. Victoria Azarenka, 6-7 (4-7) 6-4 6-2

Baby Talk

The tennis world is still completely gaga over Myla and Charlene Federer - as well they should be, because these are the progeny of Roger Federer, greatest of all time, and Mirka Federer, a very good player in her own right, and they definitely have the genes to grow up and single (well, double) handedly dominate the WTA and take it to another level, like their daddy has for the ATP.

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But while the careers of Charlene and Myla might be brilliant, there's a little while to go before they can, you know, learn to sit up, let alone hold a tennis racquet, and there's another career going on at the moment which is pretty brilliant which we should have a look at - that of Papa Bear, Roger Federer.

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He's scheduled to come back to the tour in Montreal, giving him approximately two weeks before he drags himself and his little family over to North America (Myla and Charlene's first international trip! Won't that be fun for all involved?) I wouldn't be surprised to see him sit out till Cincinatti, but I don't think he's going to take a huge amount of paternity leave - it's not his style, and Mirka has already proved she is an iron woman who can sit through anything... like a 16-14 Wimbledon final while eight and a half months pregnant with twins.

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I think I discussed this a little yesterday, but I'm inclined to think Charlene and Myla will be a positive, rather than a detrimental effect on his career. The question everyone's been posing has been 'what has Roger got left to play for now he's won everything?' and the answer is his two baby girls. Sure, they may give him some sleepless nights early on - I wouldn't be surprised to see some early exits in the pre-US Open tourneys, though who knows? he might be riding so high on pure joy it will overcome sleeplessness. But on the whole, Roger is going to want his girls see him win - to show them that anything is possible, and impossible is nothing.

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Then let us have a quick look at the other great champion of our sport, Rafa Nadal. His middle of the year has been... it has sucked the big one, to put it mildly. He got knocked out of his favourite tournament by Robin Soderling in the fourth round. He's got tendinitis and we don't know how badly this will effect him in the long term. He couldn't defend his Wimbledon crown. One of his best friends of the tour died randomly for no apparent reason. And his parents are getting divorced, splitting his close-knit family on Mallorca in twain.

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His professional life - crappy. His personal life - bites. Whereas Roger now has Roland Garros, Wimbledon, the #1 ranking, a lovely wife and two beautiful daughters. You have to feel sorry for Rafa. The tennis gods have not smiled on him of late, poor guy.

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But there is time yet for Rafa Nadal. He is still young. I wouldn't be surprised to see Shmafa take the court for his first few matches back - but then, just like before, maybe I am wrong. Maybe Rafa will come roaring back like a steam train and it will be game on again between the two heavyweights. One thing is for sure, though - the tour may never be quite the same again.

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Today's Results

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International German Open (Hamburg)

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Nikolay Davydenko def. David Ferrer, 7-5 7-6 (7-2)

Paul-Henri Mathieu def. Pablo Cuevas, 4-6 6-3 7-5

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Indianapolis Tennis Championships (Indianapolis)

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Sam Querrey def. Frank Dancevic, 6-4 6-4

Robby Ginepri def. John Isner, 6-4 6-3

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Banka Koper Slovenia Open (Portoroz)

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Dinara Safina def. Alberta Brianti, 6-4 6-3

Sara Errani def. Stefanie Voegele, 6-1 6-2

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Nurnberger Gastein Ladies (Bad Gastein)

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Ioana Raluca Olaru def. Alize Cornet, 3-6 7-5 6-3

Andrea Petkovic def. Yaroslava Shvedova, 6-2 6-1

Wimbledon 2029: The Federer Showdown

It's Wimbledon 2029. Nineteen year old Charlene Federer is facing Myla Federer in the Wimbledon final. They're due to turn twenty in a couple of weeks on July 23 (the same day as their fairy godmother Jodi from Tennis From The Backseat will turn... much older than twenty) and they're going to be playing in the doubles final later that afternoon, but for now, sisterly love is forgotten.

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It's 6-7 (16-18) 7-6 (22-20) 26-26 in the final - the longest women's match in history. Roger Federer is sitting in Charlene's row. Mirka Federer is sitting behind him in Myla's row. Four weeks earlier, their positions had been reversed, when Charlene and Myla played each other in the Roland Garros final. Charlene and Myla's young siblings are scattered between the rows. No one is taking sides, but everyone is biting their nails. The greatest match of the women's game might not even be halfway over yet.

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Yes, this is what we might have to look forward to.

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Late at night in Switzerland, the lovely Mrs Mirka Federer gave birth to twin girls, girls that might grow up to be the future of the WTA tour. Whether they are identical or fraternal we do not know, but one thing we do know about Charlene Riva Federer and Myla Rose Federer is that they will be remarkable. They have some of the best tennis DNA you could possibly imagine, but if they do not choose to follow that path, they have two of the most wonderful parents conceivable.

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I fail to see how Roger and Mirka Federer could have children who did not grow up to be truly amazing.

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And they were born on my birthday. Oh yes they were.

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Whether or not they have a tennis career is, of course, entirely up to the young Charlene and Myla, but even now, when they are about a day old, people are projecting Wimbledon finals for these girls and a rivalry not unlike that of the Williams sisters. Sure, it may be a bit unfair on the girls to project such expectations on them, but can you imagine how marvellous Myla and Charlene might be at our beautiful game? We might be in for one of the greatest rivalries in tennis history. Buckle your seatbelts!
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But tennis aside, what we can be sure of is that these two girls will grow up to be lovely human beings, courtesy of their lovely parents, and that they will change the lives of Roger and Mirka forever. I'm sure Roger is going to want a few Grand Slams in front of his precious girls, and Mirka, Myla and Charlene are going to want to cheer him on! But this is not about tennis right now.

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Congratulations, Roger. Congratulations, Mirka. And welcome to the world, Myla Rose. Welcome to the world, Charlene Riva. You are blessed girls, with such parents (and such a wondrous birthday-sharin' fairy godmother!) May you live glorious and beauteous lives!

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Today's Results

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International German Open (Hamburg)

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Nikolay Davydenko def. Victor Hanescu, 6-3 4-6 6-3

David Ferrer def. Simon Greul, 6-2 6-3

Paul-Henri Mathieu def. Viktor Troicki, 3-0 retired

Pablo Cuevas def. Nicolas Almagro, 6-2 6-4

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Indianapolis Tennis Championships (Indianapolis)

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Frank Dancevic def. Dmitry Tursunov, 3-6 7-6 (7-5) 6-2

Sam Querrey def. Marc Gicquel, 6-4 7-5

Robby Ginepri def. Alex Bogomolov Jr., 7-5 6-1

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Banka Koper Slovenia Open (Portoroz)

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Dinara Safina def. Maria Elena Camerin, 6-3 6-0

Sara Errani def. Petra Martic, 6-1 6-1

Stefanie Voegele def. Rossana de los Rios, 6-1 6-1

Alberta Brianti def. Camille Pin, 6-3 6-2

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Nurnberger Gastein Ladies (Bad Gastein)

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Alize Cornet def. Barbora Zahlavova Strycova, 6-4 2-6 6-2

Ioana Raluca Olaru def. Magdalena Rybarikova, 6-4 6-4

Andrea Petkovic def. Anna-Lena Groenefeld, 6-7 (6-8) 6-3 6-1

Yaroslava Shvedova def. Yvonne Meusburger, 6-2 6-3

BabyFed Approaches...

The news has come, or so I hear, that the lovely Mrs Mirka Federer has checked into a hospital in Switzerland in preparation for the birth of BabyFed - and the press have started gathering to take photos of the wee bairn.

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Just for you, Mirka - do you think you could try and have it on July 23? Because that's my birthday and I wouldn't mind sharing a natal day with the spawn of the Federers, kplzthxbai. Just sayin'.

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On a serious note, though, even though this is a baby who probably won't pick up its first racquet for years, this is a major tennis event. This is something that will irrevocably shape the career of the king of our sport. This will make his life different forever.

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There's been a lot of conjecture that maybe the baby will change Federer's focus a lot and that he'll lose his tennis edge, having broken all the records. And sure, maybe he will just want to gallop off into the sunset with Mirka and MiniFed. But seriously, can you imagine Roger wanting to set 'giving up' as an example to his child? I don't think so. I can foresee some distraction, certainly, during the early months of BabyFed's life, but in the long run... I think Daddy is going to want to impress his baby. He's always said that it was Mirka's dream that their child would see him play, and I think he'll make this wish come true.

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Sorry for this incoherent ramble... is it totally obvious that I'm a little uninspired by the tennis going on this week? Bring on the US hardcourt season - let's get off this stupid clay stuff.

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Today's Results

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International German Open (Hamburg)

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Nikolay Davydenko def. Philipp Petzschner, 6-3 6-2

Jeremy Chardy def. Andreas Beck, 7-6 (7-2) 7-6 (8-6)

Robin Soderling def. Fabio Fognini, 6-3 6-7 (3-7) 6-3

David Ferrer def. Florian Mayer, 6-3 6-2

Julien Benneteau def. Igor Andreev, 6-4 6-3

Nicolas Almagro def. Marcel Granollers, 4-6 6-3 6-4

Victor Hanescu def. Jan Hernych, 6-2 6-3

Juan Monaco def. Jose Acasuso, 6-1 1-1 retired

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Banka Koper Slovenia Open (Portoroz)

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Dinara Safina def. Ksenia Pervak, 6-1 6-2

Rossana de los Rios def. Roberta Vinci, 6-3 6-4

Stefanie Voegele def. Lucie Safarova, 7-5 2-3 6-3

Maria Elena Camerin def. Vera Dushevina, 4-6 7-5 6-0

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Nurnberger Gastein Ladies (Bad Gastein)

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Magdalena Rybarikova def. Pauline Parmentier, 6-3 4-6 6-4

Anna-Lena Groenefeld def. Tereza Hladikova, 6-3 6-2

Yaroslava Shvedova def. Shahar Peer, 6-2 6-1

Yvonne Meusburger def. Tatjana Malek, 6-2 2-6 6-4

Love Fifteen

So it kind of hit me when I was at work (yes, I was not doing much) - Roger Federer has fifteen Slams.

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I mean, I knew that. The record was fourteen, and he beat the record, and fourteen + one = fifteen. This is not rocket science. But dude! FIFTEEN!

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That is a LOT of Slams.

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I tried to imagine Federer's trophy room. We heard that quip from Serena the other day about how she uses trophies to hold makeup brushes, and she plays a pretty tight schedule. Roger's now won sixty singles titles and has a few of those runner up things as well. I imagined him walking in and stubbing his toe on the US Open trophy from 2005, then rooting through an explosively full cupboard to find his Cincinatti 2007 trophy to give to Baby Fed as a teething ring. Mirka might come in to see why it was taking so long and might fall over the trophy from the Australian Open in 2004, and he might catch her but run into a shelf, causing a few of those swords from Dubai to fall down. And then Baby Fed might crawl in and they might get panicked thinking they've lost it, only to find it nestled asleep inside the replica Coupe de Mousquetaires. They'd be so happy they'd have to make cookies, and Roger would ferret out the runner up plate from Wimbledon in 2008 to serve them on (which he's hidden in the highest cupboard in the house).

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Then think of the trophy room of a one Slam wonder. You can bet that that one Slam trophy is the highlight of his collection. It's the centrepiece, the marvel, the life achievement of which he is most proud. He has special lights shining on it. People are like 'wow... a Slam trophy!'

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In Roger's house? He's got a Wimbledon trophy on the mantlepiece. And five more out the back. And he's got a few spare trophies out in the mountains holding Juliette's feed - you know, from the not-quite-so-important tournaments, like the Masters Cup.

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Fifteen Slams. Fifteen.

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What kind of insane level of consistency is that? Pete Sampras won fourteen Slams over twelve years. Roger's won fifteen over six. That means, of the twenty-five Slams played since (and including) Wimbledon 2003, Federer's won fifteen of them. Leaving ten for everyone else.

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Ten. And when you consider that six of them belong to great champion in his own right Rafa Nadal, that leaves very, very few left. One to Roddick. One to Safin. One to Djokovic. One to Gaudio.

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Think of how many more Slams guys like these would have won, if Roger Federer hadn't hogged them all! He's single-handedly overshadowed the careers of not just a few players, but of a generation.

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And I love it. I love fifteen! Because fifteen Slams couldn't go to a nicer bloke or a man that deserved it more than Roger 'I use my trophies for fruitbowls and to hold my razors and perhaps my firstborn' Federer.

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The rest of the field? Love. Federer? Fifteen.

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Today's Results

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Campbell's Hall of Fame Tennis Championships (Newport)

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Philipp Petzschner def. Horacio Zeballos, 6-4 6-7 (4-7) 6-2

Alex Bogmolov def. Arnaud Clement, 1-6 6-3 6-4

Nicolas Mahut def. Amer Delic, 6-4 6-4

Sam Querrey def. Ruben Ramirez Hidalgo, 6-3 6-2

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Collector Swedish Open Women (Bastad)

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Caroline Wozniacki def. Petra Kvitova, 6-4 6-2

Dominika Cibulkova def. Nuria Llagostera Vives, 6-1 6-1

Flavia Pennetta def. Masa Zec Peskiric, 6-1 6-2

Gisela Dulko def. Sorana Cirstea, 6-3 4-6 7-6 (7-5)

Maria Kirilenko def. Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova, 6-2 6-3

Carla Suarez Navarro def. Ellen Allgurin, 6-1 6-4

Alla Kudryavtseva def. Iveta Benesova, 6-2 6-4

Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez def. Angelique Kerber, 6-3 6-2

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GDF Suez Grand Prix (Budapest)

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Shahar Peer def. Alize Cornet, 6-2 6-0

Edina Gallovits def. Sybille Bammer, 4-6 7-5 6-2

Alona Bondarenko def. Ioana Raluca Olaru, 6-4 4-6 6-4

Petra Martic def. Mariya Koryttseva, 6-3 6-2

Patty Schnyder def. Andrea Petkovic, 7-6 (7-3) 6-3

Roland Garros Roundup

And all of a sudden, the tennis courts are green again, they're playing fast, and the big event ahead of us is not Roland Garros, but Wimbledon. Even someone being crowned as the greatest player of all time does not stop the machinery of the tour, which ticks over day to day inexorably. Grass is here, and it's here to stay... for four weeks, until the extremely long season ends.

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Still, I think there's a few words yet to be said about Roland Garros. One cannot gloss over such history quite so quickly.

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Upset of the Tournament: No surprises here. Anyone who didn't write Soderling vs. Nadal in this field obviously hasn't been around tennis very long. I think the tennis world is still sort of reeling from Nadal being unseated in his garden. Honourable mentions go here to Djokovic vs. Kohlschreiber and Szavay vs. Venus, but really, it was all about Rafa.

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Almost-Upset of the Tournament: Federer vs. Haas. The great man was only five points away from defeat here, and he clawed it back. The achievements of both men here are admirable - Haas for getting to a winning position, and Federer to pulling a Houdini, and then going on to pull another rabbit out of the hat in an honourable mention match, Federer vs. Del Potro. Props also go to Safarova vs. Venus - that was a thriller.

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Best Match of the Tournament: As far as pure tennis value goes, I'd have to go with Kuznetsova vs. Serena. This was an awesome battle between two great champions, and it teetered on a seesaw right until the very end. It was impossible to tell who was going to win until the last ball was out of play. Kudos to Sveta for coming out of it, and kudos to Serena for the tennis she played (cold comfort though it may be). Honourable mentions go to both men's semi-finals, which were great matches.

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Surprise of the Tournament: Robin Soderling again - tied for me with Sam Stosur. Both had huge, unexpected runs, and both capitalised on the talent the world both knew they had. I'll be watching them both at Wimbledon to see how they do... I'm keen to see how that kick serve of Sam's goes on grass, and how Soderling goes with those flat groundies when he has less time to set up for them.

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Guy/Girl Who Served Notice of Arrival: Juan Martin del Potro. If he keeps improving at this rate, he'll win a Slam. No doubt about it. Props also to Dominika Cibulkova and Sorana Cirstea.

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Disappointment of the Tournament: Novak Djokovic losing in the third round. And also a large majority of the women's top ten, especially Jankovic, Ivanovic, Dementieva and Venus. And also Safina, for her spectacular choke in the final.

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Saddest Moment of the Tournament: Jelena Dokic having to retire when she had Dementieva dead in the water. Tragic.

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Most Popular Player: Roger Federer, crowd darling. Ain't no one can deny that.

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Most Popular Offcourt Personality: Mirka Federer. In her own way, nearly as big a star as her husband.

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Most Unpopular Player: Victoria Azarenka. I think she may have made an enemy of the Parisian crowd for the next 8,000 years.

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Most Unsportsmanlike Gesture: Fernando Gonzalez wiping out a mark... with his arse.

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Stupidest Spectator: The dickhead streaker in the final.

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Best New Word (Rafael Nadal Memorial Award, no?): 'Yoking' from Robin Soderling.

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Greatest Player of All Time: Roger Federer (but that one was a gimme).

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Looking Forward To: Wimbledon, and seeing the great man go for fifteen.

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Today's Results

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Gerry Weber Open (Halle)

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Tomas Berdych def. Jan Hernych, 6-4 7-5

Dmitry Tursunov def. Igor Kunitsyn, 7-5 6-4

Rainer Schuettler def. Marc Gicquel, 6-3 6-4

Benjamin Becker def. Victor Hanescu, 6-4 6-4

Florent Serra def. Dudi Sela, 1-6 6-4 6-2

Tommy Haas def. Stefan Koubek, 6-2 6-2

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AEGON Championships (Queen's Club)

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Feliciano Lopez def. Robert Kendrick, 7-6 (7-3) 7-6 (7-3)

Paul-Henri Mathieu def. Andrei Pavel, 6-4 7-6 (8-6)

Sam Querrey def. Jeremy Chardy, 7-6 (12-10) 6-4

Mikhail Youzhny def. Oscar Hernandez, 6-4 6-2

Lleyton Hewitt def. Eduardo Schwan, 6-1 6-0

Guillermo Garcia-Lopez def. Yen-hsun Lu, 6-1 6-1

Gilles Muller def. Joshua Goodall, 6-3 7-6 (9-7)

Andreas Seppi def. Robby Ginepri, 5-7 7-6 (7-4) 6-3

Kristof Vliegen def. Leonardo Mayer, 7-6 (7-3) 6-4

Michael Llodra def. Evgeny Korolev, 6-3 6-4

Denis Istomin def. Ivo Minar, 3-6 6-1 6-2

Ivan Ljubicic def. Sergiy Stakhovsky, 4-6 6-4 6-4

Marcos Baghdatis def. James Ward, 6-2 6-3

Kevin Anderson def. Fabio Fognini, 6-3 7-6 (7-3)

Frederico Gil def. Daniel Gimeno-Traver, 6-1 6-3

Nicolas Mahut def. Janko Tipsarevic, 6-0 6-4

Xavier Malisse def. Pablo Andujar, 5-0 retired

Grigor Dimitrov def. Ivan Navarro, 6-4 4-6 6-3

Andrey Golubev def. Bobby Reynolds, 6-2 4-6 7-6 (7-3)

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AEGON Classic (Birmingham)

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Melanie South def. Katoe O'Brien, 6-4 1-6 7-6 (7-5)

Magdalena Rybarikova def. Akgul Amanmuradova, 6-4 6-4

Urszula Radwanska def. Maria Kirilenko, 6-3 6-3

Olga Govortsova def. Yung-Jan Chan, 7-6 (9-7) 6-2

Elena Baltacha def. Georgie Stoop, 6-3 6-4

Naomi Cavaday def. Julie Ditty, 6-2 7-6 (7-2)

Tamarine Tanasugarn def. Julie Coin, 7-6 (7-1) 6-1

Jarmila Groth def. Vania King, 6-4 6-4

Maria Sharapova def. Stephanie Dubois, 6-4 6-2

Alexa Glatch def. Bethanie Mattek-Sands, 7-6 (7-2) 6-3

Roberta Vinci def. Severine Bremond, 6-3 6-2

Yanina Wickmayer def. Anastasija Sevastova, 6-4 6-3