Long-Belated RG Round Up

Today I shall aim to write something with paragraphs. I'm hoping this life upheaval is a temporary thing, as far as blogging-interruptage goes, but if it goes on I might have to reconsider this whole daily thing. Though the blog isn't going anywhere! maybe just these updates going 'yeah, I'm busy'.

Anyway, the grass court season is all started and crazy and Rafa Nadal is losing to Jo-W Tsonga and Halle is getting all pissy that R-Fed never showed up and I haven't even recapped Roland Garros yet, so let's do a bit of that now. I think we can all see that - even in the wake of this random Jo loss - it is a very, very foolish person who counts Rafa Nadal out of anything. As far as form goes, I don't think anyone would call him the form player of the tournament. But he's the one that won.

For Rafa, this victory was a little like Roger's in Australia in 2006 - despite not playing particularly well, he still found a way to win. This is the hallmark of a real champ, I think - the one who finds a way even when he's not really at his best. This is the most vulnerable Rafa's looked at Roland Garros for a long time. But the place still belongs to him. It's still his house. And I don't know if we'll ever see someone this dominant on clay again.

The 'form player of the tournament' award has to go to Federer, who, despite losing in the final, really lifted his level significantly and, we cannot forget, was responsible for breaking the Djokovic streak of doom. The way people were talking before this tournament, you'd think Nole had already lifted the Coupe de Mousquetaires. Federer's victory over him - and Nadal's subsequent victory over Federer - really made it a three horse race again, I think. I would be very surprised if someone who was not one of these three won at Wimbledon.

But then, that's hardly news.

And we have to spare a thought for Andy Murray. His injury looks pretty bad and I really don't think this is going to be his year at Wimbledon; but to make it to the semis on one leg on his worst surface, including a two-sets-down comeback? Murray has a lot to be proud of here. Last year, his post-Australia rut lasted till well after Wimbledon. I think he's exorcised his demons a little earlier this year. Good on him.

Congrats to Rafa!

Congrats to Rafa! Busy busy day - full lowdown laterz.

Good News

So, I've been away for a few days, but I am by no means unaware of what's going on. ROGER FEDERER YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!

Ahem.

So I can be all, like, calm and sane and stuff, let's start by discussing the women's final before I get into full Federsqueeage.

Li Na. Francesca Schiavone. There was no way this final was not going to be a good news story, unless a bolt of lightning struck the court and obliterated Philippe Chatrier stadium or something like that. Thankfully, that didn't happen, and we were treated to a match which, while not The Greatest Match Ever Played or anything like that, was well fought in a good spirit by two women who thoroughly deserved to be there.

I was pulling for Frankie to pull the double, but only slightly, because seriously, how can you not love Li Na? Despite her Australian Open run, I don't think anyone was picking her to even be a factor in this tournament - largely because she pretty much played like poo for several months there between the two Slams. But she seems to have picked up a Serena-style peaking technique, and she freaking BROUGHT IT in the final. I don't think I've ever appreciated just how BIG her forehand can be when she lets it. She can rip it and rip it hard, and I think that was what really made the difference. Frankie made a few too many errors, but a lot of them were forced.

The fact that Li Na is now Asia's first female Grand Slam champion... the importance of that for the sport cannot be overstated. This could lead to an utter explosion of popularity of the sport - effects that might be felt twenty or thirty years from now. This is massive. But let's not forget the effect for Li Na the individual either as well. Because this is - a first Slam is always - HUGE.

And speaking of huge...

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGER FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDERER!

Seriously, I had a bit of a feeling that I did not dare articulate for fear of jinxing it. Roger Federer is THE MAN this tournament, and the fact that it took a man on a forty-odd match win streak to take a set off him says something about his level of play. When we've been hearing about Roger at all this year, it's been about how he's on the way out, on the way down, how everyone must age and fall eventually.

Well, reports of his demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Rafa is still obviously the favourite going in to the final. I mean, at Roland Garros, Rafa is going to be the favourite against anyone, whether they be a journeyman or Bjorn Borg at the top of his game. But if Roger's going to get him on the Paris clay, he'd be hardpressed to get a better opportunity. And at the end of the day, Roger is the best player ever. He is capable of beating anyone, anywhere if he plays GodFed tennis. He can do it. Whether or not he will is another matter, but it's not a question of ability.

It says something about Djokovic's streak that it took the best player ever playing godlike tennis to break it. I'm not a Djokofan and probably never will be, but it would take a crazy person to not acknowledge that what Creme Brole has achieved this year is completely outstanding. Streaks have to be broken to truly appreciate them, to put them in perspective and enable them to exist comparatively - and comparatively, this has to be one of the best streaks in the history of tennis. Well done, Novak. There is a lot of good tennis ahead of you.

But the day now belongs to the Hispano-Suisse domination machine - the two men to whom the recent era of tennis truly belongs, two men who will be forever linked in history and in record books. Rafa. Roger. Like the women's final, this is all good news. No matter who wins, it's all good. And no matter who wins, tennis is guaranteed to be a huge victor on Stade Philippe Chatrier.

A Few Spare Seconds

Why, why, what is this? Jodi with a few spare seconds of her life to write? Is it because she is sitting in an airport? Yes... it is.

I have been following Roland Garros - oh yes I have, even if I haven't been writing about it - but the time difference between Australia and Canada and France is so mighty that I am not quite sure when it is or what time it is anywhere. So instead of writing about the past day's play as would be my normal wont, I'm just going to write a little more generally over what's going on. Specifically, about the major players.

If we were giving out scores on a report card for a tournament so far, despite the fact that he is flying under the radar and is not the favourite to win - in fact, he is being almost actively counted out - you have to give Roger Federer the highest marks so far. Being not the rose but near the rose has done him no end of good. He has been imperious so far this tournament, with shades of the godlike Federer we know is in there. People have said that he is ageing, that he is past it, but that tennis is still there. And if he plays it... I don't think there is anyone that can stand against him.

The question is, can he play it? Will he play it? If he brings it against Novak Djokovic, and Djokovic continues to play in the way that has won him this epic streak... that has the potential to be one of the greatest matches of our time. If Federer plays his ultimate tennis, I'm going to pick him every time, no matter who the opponent, no matter the place, no matter the time. But a) even so, Djokovic is a tough match and b) will Djokovic let him play his best stuff?

Djokovic is the next best performer, his Roland Garros report card marred only by the set lost in the tough tussle with Juan Martin del Potro. The biggest question with him so far is how he will be affected by the long break in the middle of the tournament, given the withdrawal of Fabio 'Captain Controversy' Fognini. Personally, I don't think it will affect him that much, given that beating FabFog probably would have taken him all of four seconds anyway. He's probably the betting favourite for the tournament, and there's a reason for that.

But now he has to face Federer. A Federer who he's playing like he did back in the day. A Federer who used to administer admonishing swats to Djokovic's figurative backside. (Australian Open '07, anyone?) It's a match that I'm not going to pick, but honestly? the man that wins this match will probably win the tournament.

This is a harsh thing to say given that Rafa is still in the draw. But we all know what's going on there. He's not playing with confidence, he got taken to five in the first round, he's depressed, he's pessimistic, he's down on himself, he doesn't have the essential Rafa-ness that so oftened surrounds him like a cloud of glory at Roland Garros. And now he has to play Soderling, the man that dished him out that one defeat here... even if Rafa did smash him like a guitar in last year's final.

But you know what? Rafa's still there. He may not be playing well, but he's still fighting. And even though I did it, what, two paragraphs ago? it would be a very foolish person who would bet against the mighty R Nadal at Roland Garros.

The one 'big' contender left who really isn't a contender is poor wounded badger Andy Murray. He has about 0.00000000001% chance of winning the tournament, considering a) he ain't no claycourter and b) he is injured like whoa. And yet I have somehow gained more cred for Andy Murray in this tournament than I have for a long time. To be playing on virtually one leg and to come back from two sets down against Viktor 'vile minion of Bert' Troicki... well, that was impressive. And if he can come through Chela and make it to the semis... that is very, very impressive stuff from an injured non-claycourter.

Of course, given how close Wimbledon is, is it smart? Maybe not. But it is brave. And I guess I just find that very, very appealing.

And before I go, a few words on the women's tournament - FRANCESCA SCHIAVONE FOR QUEEN OF THE WORLD. If she repeats her 2010 victory, I will be very, very glad.

Stop. Hammertime.

So. Um. Novak Djokovic. Yeah. He's, like, playing well and stuff. I heard. A bit well. He's, like, winning stuff. Lots of stuff. And beating people. A lot. And not losing. At all.

I don't normally pay Novak many compliments, on the grounds that I find him deeply, desperately irritating, but kudos have to be given for this tear that he's on. He is playing absolutely, outstandingly well. MC Hammer 'can't touch this' well. Even if you're Rafa, and it's clay, and it's Spain.

That's what's crossed the line from awesome to scary for me - beating Rafa in Spain on clay. Sure, Rafa played like poo in this match, but that's not taking anything away from how scarily well Djokovic played - and is playing. He's got just about every player I can think of in the world on a string at the moment. He's figured out everyone and everything and his game is - well, there aren't really words for how well he's playing at the moment.

The one thing I'm worried about, if I'm Novak, is not Roland Garros coming up, but Rome. If I'm him, I'm seriously considering skipping. Winning means playing a lot of tennis, and Novak's played a lot of tennis lately. He's won the Djokovic Open and now Madrid, and it's not a stretch to think that he might win Rome as well. So going into Roland Garros, he'd be on a winning streak, but he'd also be on 'I have played unbelievable amounts of tennis' streak. We saw what happened to Rafa in 2009 at Roland Garros (though, to be fair, he did also play Monte Carlo as well). That's not the way Novak wants to go down.

And then if he plays Rome and loses, that's a big downer right there. Losing to Rafa in the final of Madrid would have been one thing - losing in Rome another thing entirely. The last thing you want going into a Slam is a comedown.

So yeah. It's an interesting one. Time will tell, I guess.

I think Rafa's going to take a long hard look at himself after this match. I think we're going to see a new energy with him. I read somewhere this morning that Rafa plays better as the hunter than the hunted, and I think that's totally true. He's going to feel like the underdog after this match, and that's just where he wants to be. If he plays Novak again in Rome, I will be veeeeeeeery interested to see who comes out on top...

(I hope it's Federer!)

Fed Me Up

Yeah, no blog today either. I cannot adequately communicate the craziness of my life right now. But I am pleased with how Roger played in Madrid, even if he didn't win! Taking a set off Rafa is a good show on clay, whoever you are.

Mettle (Testing Thereof)

Look! Writing! I am doing it today, I promise! I wouldn't say I'm properly back yet - I cannot communicate how madly, insanely busy I am at the moment, what with the whole being about to quit my job thing - but I have found a few spare seconds today to write about tennis.

If Roger Federer had found a few spare seconds to, oh, I don't know, beat Feliciano Lopez without it taking a hundred hours, it might have been significantly better for my blood pressure. As always, the fact that it took him more than twelve games to beat someone means that it is the End of his Career and He Will Never Win Anything Again Ever Because He Is Old And Irrelevant So There. It seems perfectly obvious... to a bunch of strange tennis critics who could look at a cloud and somehow see in it a sign of Federer's demise.

Personally - although it was a stress-y, stress-y match from a fan perspective - I don't mind the Rog having to spend a while on court. He hasn't played since Monte Carlo, but you can bet he's all match tough now. Besides, F-Lo was playing awesome tennis. I know he's the Spaniard What Prefers Grass and stuff, but come on, he's Spanish. Clay is his thing. I find the fact that Federer can fight through a left handed Spanish dude on clay very satisfying.

And while I like it better when Federer just comes out and wins, it's good for him to have to fight. You never know your mettle until you're tested, and a good test every now and again does any player the world of good. Having to tough out a match like this one is character-building. And hey, instead of being match point up and losing, he was match point down and won. I know which I'd prefer.

The Djokovic train keeps rolling on, but either the Djokovic train or the Nadal train have to stop rolling this week, and I'm team Rafa on this one. (Actually, I'm team Roger, but his narrative appears to be subaltern at the moment.) I don't have my money on a finals clash - I just have a feeling that someone's a-gonna get upset before the final. Couldn't tell you who, couldn't tell you when, just a feeling.

...and that's all I have time for. Figures that the one day I get time to write, all I really write about is Federer...

Easter Break V - Stayin' Alive

Still Easter. Rafa won Barcelona. Discuss.

When the Ground is Red

I could have written this post last year and I don't think anyone would have been able to tell. If I had called the opponent Mr X, then I guarantee no one would have been able to tell.

Put Rafa Nadal on clay - particularly, it seems, the clay of Monte Carlo - and it doesn't matter who is on the other side of the net, because he's going to win. The opponent, in many ways, is beaten before he even begins. No one dethrones Rafa Nadal in Monte Carlo. And, as it is the first tournament of the clay season (the proper clay season, none of this Golden Swing ridiculousness), it's an ominous note for the rest of the ATP.

When the ground is red, it's Rafa's time. (As well as all those other times when it's Rafa's time.)

I don't think Rafa played anywhere near his true abilities on clay today - not even close. And yet, even playing at, what, 70%? 75%? there was no way Daveed Ferrer was touching him. And Ferrer is not exactly sub-par when it comes to clay - he has a clay title already this year, which he earned by beating Almagro, the Prince of Clay. But when it comes to Rafa...

It must be so hard for people to come out against Rafa on clay and expect to win. Belief is a huge ingredient of the tennis... cake? pie? and it is a rare man who comes out with even the faintest hint of belief that he'll win. This is why Nadal/Djokovic on clay will be such an interesting match, I think, whensoe'er it happens (and it seems likely that it will, at some point), because if there is one thing Novak has never struggled with, it's belief.

But that is a match for another day. Today is all about Rafa, and one of the most ridiculous tournament streaks we have ever seen. Congratulations, Rafa. When the ground is red, you are terrifyingly, ridiculously good.

Game Over

So now that David Ferrer has got to the final, he has basically won. We already knew that Rafa would win the tournament, so getting that cookie tray is nearly the same as winning...

...back tomorrow, when Rafa actually has won. Again.

The Two Impostors

Here is a thought. What is going to happen to Novak Djokovic once his streak is broken?

The streak is on at the most is incredible. It's one of the best streaks I have ever, ever seen, and there is no mistaking it. But one day, it is going to end. Someone - it might be a Rafa or a Roger, or it might be some random ranked #82 who gets lucky - is going to beat Djokovic one day. (Unless they don't, in which case, hot damn, but somehow I think that's a little unlikely). And what will happen then?

Amazing as this current streak is, I think it might actually be what happens to Djokovic post-streak that will really test his mettle. Rafa and Roger have both had amazing streaks which have eventually been broken - Rafa and his 80-odd wins on clay, Roger and his Slam semis and the Djokovic-esque 25-odd wins strung together - and they have come out the other side no different, willing to start from win #1 again and keep going. They are big damn champions, and no mistake.

...and yet it would be so easy to lose that once, see your streak ended, and then slip into a total funk.

I suspect that Djokovic will probably be just fine after his streak ends. I don't know if he'll ever put together another streak as good - because hell, that would be really, really hard - but even if he takes a couple of losses in post-streak hangover, I'm sure he'll be okay. But it's food for thought. We can only really appreciate streaks when they're broken. And the measure of the man is only really taken when he struggles back from adversity. If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same...

Never Ever

It is no secret that I have never, ever been on board with Novak Djokovic. We've never appealed to each other, so to speak (because he obviously totally knows who I am and spends his life seeking my approval). I don't think I'm ever going to be on board that Djokotrain. But HOT DAMN, he is playing some absolutely ridonkulous tennis at the moment.

I never, ever believed that Djokovic could become #1. Nuh-uh. Never gonna happen. If he was born in a different era, sure. But with Roger and Rafa around? No way, Jose. Djokovic might pull the odd win over them, but he was going to stay in his goddamn place.

Turns out Novak Djokovic doesn't believe in the status quo. And that has made me believe that... hey, actually, yeah, maybe he could get to #1 after all. I don't know about staying there - baby steps - but get there? I'm not going to say never ever any more.

The way he played today against Rafael Nadal - who is currently ranked #1 for a damn good reason - was outstanding and it was terrifying. If I'm Rafa, I'm feeling worse about this match than I would have over a two set routine Djokowin. We saw something today from Djokovic that I, for one, have never really seen in him before - he outfought Nadal, who is the biggest fighter in the game today and arguably ever. He outgritted the toughest, grittiest, raging bull-iest man in the world. And it was not dreamt of in my philosophy. Not at all.

The streak now stands at 26, I believe. There's still a way to go before Djokovic approaches that McEnroe streak of 39, and we'd have to get a lot closer to that number before we consider the possibility of it being broken. But this is without a doubt the best start to a season anyone has ever had. To win the Australian Open, go undefeated through February and March and then take out the Indian Wells/Miami double. Holy mother of God, that is really, really scary.

It's right, I think, that the man giving him the biggest challenge is Rafa. I'm not about to proclaim Rafa and Creme Brole the new Fedal or anything, because Fedal is forever (I'm a traditionalist). But there is no denying that these two dudes play wonderfully compelling matches, and that they are the best two in the world right now... and Novak has the edge.

It is going to be so, so interesting to see what happens once we get on the clay... which is pretty much, like, now. This is the time for Rafa to catch fire, like he always does. Unfortunately for Rafa, 'catching fire' also means 'shit ton of points to defend' and Novak is snapping at his heels like an angry terrier. And if Djokovic can beat Nadal on the clay - especially if he can beat him more than once - I'm going to be more than terrified. And I won't be the only one.

(I hate you and your refusal to believe in paragraphs, Blogspot! Apologies again for the spacing - one day I'll work out how to fix this!)

Another Brick In The Wall

Roger Federer played his match against Rafael Nadal tonight like he had a dinner reservation (and considering it is his special lady friend's birthday, he probably does). Once he started losing, he just... kept doing it.

Let's just say that it was not my favourite Federer match - or Federer loss - of all time. He seemed like he had his crankypants on the entire time. And he made 38 unforced errors.

And he was wearing that grey outfit which makes him look like a giant wall. I am not a fan of Roger in grey. He's always referred to as an artist, so give him a freaking palette, all right?

Rafa, on the other hand, was wearing a midori-and-pineapple technicolour dreamcoat and I thought he played exceptionally well tonight. If he can play this way tomorrow against Djokovic, I think he has a swell chance of winning. And if it's not going to be Roger to break that streak, I feel like it should be Rafa. And with the clay season approaching, that would be such a powerful message to send...

Anyway, although Roger looked a little out of sorts in this match, I don't think it was any kind of pre-existing condition or anything he was carrying in. He made way too many errors, but the fact of the matter is that Nadal was playing so well he didn't give Roger too many chances. I talked the other day about how the rankings aren't lying at the moment - Fedalovic really are so far above everyone else it's just not funny. Well, Indian Wells and Miami have demonstrated that Rafa and Novak really are #1 and #2 at the moment (in no specific order, though if Novak wins Miami tomorrow, I think there really will be a specific order).

Roger has some work to do. But although there seems to be a lot of apocalyptic disaster talk around - and the dispassionate performance he turned in today against Rafa won't help it - he's still played great this year. When the only guys you're losing to are guys ranked above you, then you're doing pretty well. Roger Federer will be all right - hell, he is all right. Sometimes you get outplayed. Such is the nature of the game.

Nadal/Djokovic tomorrow is going to be a super intriguing match. I'd love to watch it, but as it's on at 3am my time, I don't think this is going to happen. It's rare that what's intriguing about a natch is defense, but these two dudes are the best at it in the game right now, no question. I'm hoping for some loooooooooong rallies and some sweet-ass shotmaking. It has the makings of an eminently watchable match... even for those who probably won't be able to watch it!

...and then comes clay...

Dotty

So I am seriously behind in my blogging. In the spirit of the new media we're experiencing here beyond the baseline this year, today will be presented in dot points.

• Djokovic won again.


• Now he plays Fish.


• I wonder who will win. Hmmm. That is a tough one.


• Roger got through too.


• It was a much easier match than the last time he played Simon.


• Now he plays Rafa.


• I genuinely do wonder who will win that one.


• Either way, they are still best bros. Count on it.

They're So High (High Above Me, They're So Lovely)

We talk a lot about echelons in tennis - about the upper echelons, the middle ones, the lower ones, the upper-middle, the upper-upper, the upper-upper-upper... pretty much any echelon you want to think of, someone's probably talked about it.

The one we talk about most, however, is probably that extreme upper echelon - namely, who belongs to it. It used to be just Federer, all by himself. Then Rafa got in on the game, and then Djokovic a bit later, and then Murray a bit later again. Soderling's laid his claim to it. People are always talking about who the next big thing is, the one that will take that top echelon by storm. (Raonic and Dolgopolov seem to be the most popular candidates at the moment.)

But in reality, in tennis right now, that upper echelon has three men in it. And they are playing so much better than the rest of the field that it is just not funny. Rafa. Roger. Creme Brole. (Not necessarily in that order.) These guys are SO HIGH (high above me, they're so lovely.)

Let's review 2011 for these guys. Djokovic, as we know, has not lost a single match. Federer has only lost to Djokovic. Nadal has lost to Djokovic and to a couple of other dudes, but there was an injury cloud there for a moment (and now we're going into the clay season, where his dominance is totally unquestioned). The reason they are doing so well at the moment is because of pure consistency. These guys either a) don't lose or b) only lose to each other.

It sounds simple, that the guys at the top are the ones that aren't losing. But it seems to be a surprisingly tough concept for people to grasp sometimes.

Soderling had an excellent run for a while there - he won three out of four tournaments entered, with only that one loss to Dolgopolov marring his record. But now, in this US swing? Early, nasty losses. And he's dropped back down to #5...

...which is really odd, when you consider that the dude going back to #4 is Andy Murray, who has not won a set since he collapsed against Djokovic at the Australian Open. NOT ONE SINGLE SET. I know we've all heard this and we all talk about it, but seriously. NOT A SINGLE SET. Not even against Alex Bogomolov Jr, otherwise known as 'who?'

Murray has the talent and ability to reach that Fedalovic platform. No doubt. But if he's going to be such a mental midget, it is just NOT going to happen. These kind of losses... you could deal with one. The string he has is completely unacceptable.

We all love the streaky, unpredictable players - the Tsongas, the Safins, the Dolgopolovs. But to get to the top and stay there, you have to do one thing: win. And the complete collapse of the top ten in Miami this week has demonstrated exactly which dudes are doing that, and which dudes need to go back to the drawing board.

(Look! Paragraphs! Apologies for the crazy-ass spacing, but Blogger has been an absolute tosspot to me. Has anyone else found this?)

Knights of the Bround Table

SCENE #1 [INT] - A MEETING ROOM IN MIAMI

Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.

ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!

RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.

ROGER: Hi.

RAFA: Hi.

ROGER and RAFA giggle.

RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.

ROGER: Well -

RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?

ROGER: Sure.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!

Enter NOLE.

NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.

ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.

Enter A-Rod.

A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.

NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.

A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?

NOLE: I'd like to see you try.

A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -

NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.

RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.

A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.

ROGER: It's okay.

NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.

A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.

RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.

Enter FEVER and FERRU.

FEVER: Hola, Rafa!

FERRU: Hi guys!

A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?

ROGER: Be nice, Andy.

FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.

FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.

FEVER: Nalbandian?

FERRU: No. Other Other David.

FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.

RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?

NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?

RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?

A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.

RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.

RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.

NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.

ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -

Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.

THE YOKER: Hello.

RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!

THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!

RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?

THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?

RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.

Enter BIG BERD.

BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!

ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.

Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.

ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.

NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?

ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.

BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?

ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.

BIG BERD: That's -

ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!

EVERYONE sits.

RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.

ROGER: I'm fine.

RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?

ROGER: Not today.

THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.

RAFA: Hey!

THE YOKER: Why are we here?

ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!

ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?

Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.

MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -

ROGER: Yes, we mind.

MUZZ: You're so mean.

RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!

THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!

BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?

NOLE: Exactly.

A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.

FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.

FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?

ROGER: SILENCE!

Silence.

RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.

ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.

ROGER: Nole -

NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.

ROGER: That is not the point.

NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.

RAFA: Novak, behave.

NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -

RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

NOLE subsides and sits down.

FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.

RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.

ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?

THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?

ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -

RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!

A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.

THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.

BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.

NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.

A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.

ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.

SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]

ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying

We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.

It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all

It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.

We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.

ROGER: Is that clear?

A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.

RAFA: Rogelio is King!

NOLE: Dude. Please.

ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.

FERRU: Time for what?

ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.

A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?

EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.

FEVER: ...what?

ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -

THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.

EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.

THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.

FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.

FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.

FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!

NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.

NOLE high fives himself.

A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?

NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.

A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.

NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?

A-ROD: ...Memphis.

NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.

ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.

EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.

MUZZ: What?

ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.

MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.

ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.

EVERYONE: ...who?

ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.

MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.

A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -

MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.

ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.

A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?

ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.

RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.

NOLE: Spew.

ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.

MUZZ: No! You can't do this!

ROGER: There are Playstations out there.

MUZZ: Oh! Okay!

THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.

FEVER: I don't want to go either!

ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.

FEVER: Where is the door again?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.

ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.

MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.

ROGER: The other Andy.

MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!

A-ROD: Oh, shut up.

Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.

ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.

A-ROD: Thanks, man.

NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?

RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.

BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.

ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.

NOLE: Troicki.

ROGER: Absolutely not.

A-ROD: No.

FERRU: Never.

THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.

NOLE: Why?

BIG BERD: No minions.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.

NOLE points to FERRU.

FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.

NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.

FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?

A-ROD: No minions!

BIG BERD: Monfils?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.

A-ROD: Tsonga?

FERRU: Too always injured.

ROGER: Del Potro?

THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.

RAFA: Youzhny?

A-ROD: Too head-smashy.

NOLE: Nalbandian?

RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.

A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?

BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.

RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.

BIG BERD: Oh.

A-ROD: Mardy Fish?

FERRU: No minions!

BIG BERD: Cilic?

NOLE: Are you joking?

BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.

NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?

THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.

ROGER: His hair is too nice.

NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.

ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?

NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.

RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.

ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's eyes fill with tears.

RAFA: You don't mean that.

NOLE: No. Minions.

ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.

BIG BERD: I'm tired.

THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.

ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.

RAFA: Yes!

EVERYONE ELSE: No!

A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.

FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.

A-ROD: Oh.

BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.

A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.

BIG BERD: Shut up.

A-ROD: Make me.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.

ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.

EVERYONE: No.

ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.

RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.

NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?

ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.

RAFA: I have an idea.

ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?

RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.

RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?

THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.

Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Flying To Brogota

How on earth did I end up writing what now appears to be a Rafa-centric TV series? This was not in my life plan. It was not dreamt of in my philosophy.

SCENE #1 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

On one side of the jet sits NOLE, hugging his Indian Wells trophy. On another sits RAFA, texting someone on his mobile phone.

NOLE: I'm so glad you agreed to play this exhibition with me, Rafa.

RAFA: What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

NOLE: We will have so much fun!

RAFA: Um, yeah, sure.

NOLE: Who are you texting?

RAFA (a little too quickly): Nobody. Uncle Toni. Lopez. Other Lopez. No one you know.

RAFA sends his text.

RAFA (whispering): Please text back.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.



SCENE #2 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

ROGER is holding one of his kids in one arm, fixing his hair with the other. MY FRIEND STANLEY is sitting on the couch, the other twin crawling near his feet. The Homer Simpson doll is sitting on the table.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: So anyway, now we have matching trophies! I know our gold medals match, but now we have MORE matching stuff. Like shirts! Though you have more blue shirts than me now.

ROGER (distracted): Uh-huh.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: We are totally SO GOOD together, Roge.

ROGER's phone beeps.

ROGER: Oooh, a text! Can you get that for me, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course, Roge!

MY FRIEND STANLEY picks up ROGER's phone. Jump cut to the screen which says: 'Dear Rogelio, I am sorry Nole called me GOAT. Is impossible for me to be GOAT when you are GOAT. Please forgive me. Rafa.'

MY FRIEND STANLEY'S face darkens.

ROGER: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... nothing. Wrong number.



SCENE #3 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Why did we agree to play this exhibition anyway? It is so inconvenient, no?

NOLE: I thought we could spend some more time together.

RAFA: You know we are very good friends, Nole, but we see each other all the time. Why do we need to spend more time together?

NOLE: Now that we are #1 and #2, we totally need to hang out more.

RAFA: Can we time it better next time?

NOLE: Good point.

Another pause.

NOLE: Maybe you should be president of Players' Council when the elections happen again. I could be your VP.

RAFA: Roger is president.

NOLE: But maybe you should be.

RAFA: No. Is impossible for me to be president, no? Rogelio is president.

NOLE: But for me, you are the greatest player of all time.

RAFA: I told you already before. You can't say that. Is stupid, no? Besides, you just beat me, so I cannot be the best.

NOLE: But you beat Roger all the time and you always say he's the best.

RAFA: Is different.

NOLE: No, it's not.

RAFA: Yes, it is.

NOLE: No.

RAFA: Yes.

NOLE: He likes My Friend Stanley more than you.

RAFA: Shut up!

NOLE: Oh, Rafa, I'm sorry. Don't cry.

RAFA (sniffing): I'm not crying.

NOLE: It's okay. So Roger likes My Friend Stanley more than you. Big deal.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio.

NOLE: I will be your new bro.

RAFA: I don't want a new bro. Besides, aren't you bros with Andy Murray now?

NOLE: Pfft. He fell asleep during our match. He's dumped. What do you think? I could be Brokovic.

RAFA: Novak. How can I say this?

NOLE: Brovak?

RAFA: I don't think -

NOLE: Creme Brole?

RAFA: Novak, I know we once had a very meaningful chest bump at the Hit For Haiti and I like you, I really do, but -

NOLE: Be my bro, Rafa!

RAFA: Let me explain it to you... through song.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

Love Story [tune by Taylor Swift, words by Jodi]

*

RAFA:

In Miami, I first played him

I close my eyes and see it again

Not yet eighteen

He had two Slams, not sixteen.

*

We played third round, and somehow I beat him

I was so stunned - I was thrilled just to meet him

He said, "Well done,"

And my heart was won.

*

He is Rogelio

He is the greatest ever

And everyone says, "You should be enemies!

"You're rivals, you're not friends

"And it should be so!"

*

But I say,

"Rogelio, let's go somewhere we can just hang out

"No one shouting that friendship's not what it's about.

"You be Sampras and I'll be Agassi

"But it's a love story, we're not enemies."

*

So we go off to play exhibitions

We giggle a lot, lose our inhibitions

We are best bros

Famous Ass and Potato Nose.

&

'Cause he's Rogelio

And I'm Raging Bull Rafa

And everyone says we should be enemies

Less crying and more shouting

We really should be foes!

&

But I say,

"Rogelio, hug me, you don't need to cry no more

"For every Slam I win I bet that you will win four

"You be Laver and I'll be Emerson

"It's a love story, let's go have fun.

%

"Rogelio, text me, I'll be waiting by the phone

"We are rivals but we don't have to be alone

"You be Lendl and I'll be McEnroe

"But it's a love story, because we are best bros."

&

But now he hangs with Stanley

And I wonder if he sees me at all

It hurts, it hurts badly

When he just doesn't answer my calls.

^

And I say,

"Rogelio, pick up, we haven't chattered for a while,

"Please don't ignore me - it's not your normal style

"Is impossible

"For you to like Stan more,"

He picks up the phone

And closes the door and says,

"How are you, Rafa, I've missed you so badly!

"I really don't like My Good Friend Stanley!

"He's so annoying - how didn't I know?

"We're a love story - you are my best bro!"

NOLE: One, your imagination is terrifying. Two, you know love means nothing in tennis, right?

RAFA: Rogelio and I are bros. Look, Novak, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.

NOLE: But I am #2 now.

RAFA: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but -

NOLE: But our matches are so much better! Remember Madrid, man? 2009? You and me... good times.

RAFA: And then Roger beat me in the final. He is the greatest of all time.

NOLE: Dude. You have an inferiority complex. For serious. I don't know what you see in him.



SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

ROGER is illuminated in glowing light. The wind machine is on. In slow motion, he pushes his hair out his eyes.

AX #1: The Hallelujah Chorus.



SCENE #5 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Well, you and I could never have matching haircuts. I couldn't pull off the Bert like you do, Nole.

RAFA pulls out his phone again. He is about to start texting when it rings.

RAFA: Hello?

SCENE #6 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I know what happened at the trophy ceremony.



SCENE #7 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA.

RAFA: Well, it was televised, no?



SCENE #8 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge will be very disappointed. Actually, he won't, because he likes me more than you.



SCENE #9 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: His. Name. Is. Rogelio.

In the background, NOLE rolls his eyes.



SCENE #10 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: You may have tried to back pedal, and say it was all stupid that Novak thinks you're the GOAT, but -

Suddenly, the door opens. ROGER has opened it.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?



SCENE #11 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. You are so whipped.

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Was that a yes-whatever or a no-whatever?

RAFA: ...I think I will take a siesta now.

NOLE: But we're nearly there! We'll be landing in Bogota soon!

A pause.

NOLE: Or should I say... BROgota?

RAFA: Nole. No.

His Name Is Rogelio

We're doing something a bit different here beyond the baseline today. Instead of writing about tennis, we're going to do a dramatic re-enactment instead. (If anyone is foolish enough to want to make this film, you know, call me.)

This is called 'His Name Is Rogelio' and it goes out to the Federbitches.




SCENE 1 [INT]: INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

RAFA sits on a bench, looking sad and lonely. He has a towel, which he is twisting between his hands. He is very sweaty - he has just come off court after playing a long, gruelling match.

Enter IVO. He doesn't look at RAFA. He is too busy tweeting about how he just lost. He exits. RAFA sighs. He is alone. Until...

Enter ROGER, who crosses to his locker.

ROGER: Hi, Rafa.

RAFA's face breaks into a huge smile.

RAFA: Hola, Rogelio! How are you? What is going on? What are you doing here? I just played a match! When do you play a match? Where have you been?

ROGER: How did your match go?

RAFA: I won. Just. Is impossible to win easy, no?

ROGER: That's great!

A silence. ROGER and RAFA look at each other, and then giggle like little schoolboys for approximately fifteen minutes. Eventually...

RAFA: What are you doing here? hee hee hee.

ROGER: Oh, you know how I'm playing doubles with My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's face darkens.

RAFA: Yes. Hey, remember how we played doubles at the Rally for Relief? We should do that in a tournament sometime!

ROGER: Maybe. I like playing with My Friend Stanley. Are you crying?

RAFA (sniffing): No.

ROGER: Well, I have a yellow shirt and he has a blue shirt. He wore a yellow shirt yesterday, so I think it's my turn to match him. I asked Nike to send me a blue shirt.

RAFA: I have a green shirt. You would look so nice in green.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa. You are a nice boy. How's your doubles going?

RAFA: It's fine. Hey Roger, want to play -

ROGER: Anyway, I just came to see if my new blue shirt - you know, so I can match My Friend Stanley - has arrived.

ROGER opens his locker. 45 blue shirts fall out.

ROGER: Wow! I guess Nike really like me.

RAFA: Nike really like me too! We are Nike bros!

ROGER: Yes, Rafa, we are totally Nike bros.

More giggling.

ROGER: Anyway, I should take my shirts and go. I'm off to dinner.

RAFA: Where are you going?

ROGER: Oh, I don't know. I'll let Mirka decide. It'll be nice. A real family dinner. Me, Mirka, the kids... and My Friend Stanley. Bye, Rafa!

Exit ROGER

RAFA sniffs. He is near tears.

RAFA: Is impossible for him to like My Friend Stanley as much as likes me, no?

Enter OTHER LOPEZ

OTHER LOPEZ: Hey Rafa, want to come to late late Spanish dinner when you've done your press and stuff?

RAFA: Not this time, Other Lopez.

OTHER LOPEZ: What do you mean, no? I'm your doubles partner! I'm your bro! I'm Bropez!

RAFA: I am tired after my match. Tired and sad.

OTHER LOPEZ: Why can't we be BFFs like Roger and My Friend Stanley?

RAFA: ROGER IS NOT BEST FRIENDS WITH MY FRIEND STANLEY HE IS BEST FRIENDS WITH MEEEEEEEEE!

OTHER LOPEZ: Whoa. Chill. Later, dudelio.

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

RAFA stares into the middle distance, trying not to cry. After a moment, enter NOLE

NOLE: Hey Rafa, want to play an awesomely badly timed and inconveniently located exho with me in Bogota the day after the final?

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Awesome!

Exit NOLE

RAFA: What? No! That was a NO-WHATEVER, not a YES-WHATEVER, Nole!

Exit RAFA after NOLE, running.




SCENE 2 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

Enter RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ. OTHER LOPEZ is dressed identically to RAFA, except for his shoes.

OTHER LOPEZ: Are you excited, Rafa? I'm excited! Remember how we won here last year?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to remember, no? I have won so many things.

OTHER LOPEZ: Well, it was awesome! We're awesome! We're the best team ever! Rafa and Bropez RULE, man!

RAFA: Whatever.

A pause.

RAFA: That was a yes-whatever. We, um, rule.

OTHER LOPEZ: VAMOS! Let's play tennis! Let's beat those Swiss cheeses!

AX #1: Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You

Enter ROGER, in slow motion. The wind machine starts up and blows his chocolate curls back. In slow motion. RAFA stares at him, lovestruck.

ROGER: Hi Rafa! Like my new blue shirt?

RAFA: You look... beautiful.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, why have you fallen to your knees? Is that why you injure them all the time?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah Rafa, why?

MY FRIEND STANLEY emerges from behind RAFA.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Don't Roger and I look great, Rafa? Don't we look like... best friends?

RAFA: I'm ranked #1 in the world.

ROGER: Dude.

RAFA: Sorry, Roger! I did not mean to offend you! For me you are the greatest player, you know -

ROGER: What, were you saying something before? I just meant, dude, get up, we have to start the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, me and Roger are going to kick your arse.

RAFA: I won't let you, My Friend Stanley. You can't intimidate me.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you.

RAFA: Prove it.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, who am I?

ROGER: You're My Friend Stanley! Come on, let's play!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: That's right. I'm his friend Stanley. And who are you...?

MY FRIEND STANLEY and ROGER walk to their side of the net. RAFA stares after them, a tear in his eye.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, come on! We have to start the match!

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO.




SCENE #3 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

A tennis montage. ROGER hits some awesome shots, mostly in slow motion, chocolate curls flying artistically. RAFA hits a few monstrous forehands, a few right at MY FRIEND STANLEY. MY FRIEND STANLEY reciprocates with some backhand winners. OTHER LOPEZ tries to get RAFA to notice him.

End of the first set. RAFA is serving. It is deuce, deciding point. If RAFA wins this point, the set goes to a tiebreaker. If he loses, ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY will win the set.

RAFA throws the ball in the air for his first serve... and suddenly we are in his mind.




SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA's mind

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you!

ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY sit next to a campfire, warming their hands. Gradually, slowly, ROGER moves his hands so he is warming them on MY FRIEND STANLEY.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley...

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yes, Roge?

ROGER: Can I call you... My Best Friend Stanley?

RAFA: Nooooooooooooo!




SCENE #5 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

MY FRIEND STANLEY grins evilly at RAFA, who grits his teeth.

RAFA: No. I will not let him defeat me.

OTHER LOPEZ: Come on, bro! You can do it!

RAFA: Who are you again?

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I'm BROPEZ!

RAFA: Oh.

RAFA throws the ball in the air to serve again, and... he looks into ROGER's eyes.




SCENE #6 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

RAFA: And what are you going to give me? for the present?

ROGER: I'll give you the first set.

RAFA and ROGER giggle like little schoolboys.

RAFA: We are bros, no? BEST bros?

ROGER: Totally. And bros give each other presents, don't they?




SCENE #7 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

UMPIRE: Game, first set, Federer and Wawrinka, seven games to five!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Woo! Yeah! Hopp Suisse! We are the Swiss! The mighty mighty Swiss! See you soon! On the moon! We are the best, aren't we, Roger!

ROGER: We rock, My Friend Stanley!

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, what were you doing?

RAFA: For you, Rogelio. The first set, it was for you. My gift.




SCENE #8 [EXT] - INDIAN WELLS, CENTRE COURT

Another montage. ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY clearly have the upper hand. OTHER LOPEZ is alternately flabbergasted and trying to make RAFA remember he's there. RAFA is distracted by the slow motion wind machine glory going on near ROGER.

Eventually, MY FRIEND STANLEY is serving for the match. RAFA hits a huge forehand which MY FRIEND STANLEY cannot get to. RAFA does a double fistpump.

UMPIRE: Forty thirty.

MY FRIEND STANLEY serves to OTHER LOPEZ, who loses the point.

UMPIRE: Game, set, match, Federer and Wawrinka, two sets to love. Seven five, six three.

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I am SO SAD we lost. Rafa and Bropez are out of the tournament. What are we going to do?

RAFA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

OTHER LOPEZ: Which whatever was that?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, do you think I was on fire? Want to warm your hands on me?

ROGER: Not today, My Friend Stanley. I'm a bit tired.

MY FRIEND STANLEY is crestfallen. Slowly, a huge smile spreads over RAFA's face.

ROGER: Good match, Rafa.

RAFA: Thanks, Rogelio. Good luck for the final.

ROGER: Thanks.

ROGER and RAFA shake hands. They hold hands for a moment longer than is strictly appropriate. They stare into each others' eyes, sympatico on every level.




SCENE #9 [INT] - INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

ROGER, MY FRIEND STANLEY, RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ are all towelling down and doing that kind of thing after the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey, there's a note in my locker! It landed right on top of Homer Simpson's head!

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, you never leave notes in my locker.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: This is so sweet, Roge.

ROGER (doing his hair): Mmm? It's not from me. I was too busy reading The Elegant Universe to write notes.

OTHER LOPEZ: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY (unfolding the note): 'Dear My ENEMY Stanley, is impossible for Roger to like you more than me. Has he ever played exhibitions for charity with you? NO. Did you play doubles and ping pong tennis with him in Australia? NO. Do you have the GOAT bromance? Do you have a gigglefits video? Did you hug him and nearly make out with him when you beat him in Australia in 2009? NO. You may be His Friend Stanley, but I am HIS BROTHER, no?'

A silence. Everyone looks at RAFA.

RAFA: I didn't write that. Doesn't even sound like me, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course it was you! Who else could it be?

RAFA: All right, it was me - because I am the ONLY ONE he does those things with. ROGELIO LIKES ME THE BEST.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, NO, bitch. Has ROGE ever let you take a picture of him with Homer Simpson sitting on his cap brim? NO.

RAFA: Well, I don't play with dolls, LOSER. And anyway, Fedal sounds WAY cooler than Fedrinka. What is that? It sounds like something you use to fix your sink!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, well, Fedal sounds like something you would eat for dinner! With rice!

OTHER LOPEZ: Why don't you ever fight over ME, Rafa?

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, who is that guy again?

RAFA: Other Lopez. Bropez. Something. I can't remember.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Anyway, fighting again. How many gold medals have you won, bitch?

RAFA: Um, ONE.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: How many have you won WITH ROGE?

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY grab each other and throw down on the floor of the locker room.

ROGER (giggling): Oh boys, don't fight over little old me!

Enter MIRKA.

MIRKA: FEDERBITCHES!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting.

ROGER: Hello, Mirka.

ROGER kisses MIRKA's cheek.

MIRKA: What is going on here?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting and look sheepish.

MIRKA: On your feet, both of you.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stand up.

MIRKA: Were you two fighting over who Roger loves the most again?

ROGER: Guys, you know I love you both.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But I'm Your Friend Stanley! You love ME!

RAFA: But we have a fine bromance!

MIRKA: Ahem.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've had this conversation before. No more fighting over Roger. He worries that you'll get hurt and it musses up his hair.

RAFA: Nothing could muss up your hair, Roger. That's why I got my hair cut just like you.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Loser.

RAFA: Ewok.

MIRKA: Boys.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've talked about this, remember? Roger is very good friends with both of you.

ROGER: Yeah, love you guys!

MIRKA: But when it comes to who he loves most, the answer is...

AX #2: Drumroll.

RAFA: Please choose me, Rogelio.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I love you so much, Roge.

MIRKA: ...me. Guys, haven't you figured that out yet?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY both look crestfallen.

MIRKA: Come on, Roger. Charlene and Myla have woken up and I need another pair of hands to change nappies.

Exit MIRKA.

ROGER: Isn't she the best? See you guys.

Exit ROGER.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stare after him mournfully.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, if Mirka's #1, then I'm #2.

RAFA: No, I'm #2, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I'm #2!

RAFA: I'd be a better #2!

Enter NOLE

NOLE: I thought I was the one fighting to be #2.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: SHUT UP!

A Piece Of Cake...?

I've been writing about cake a lot this week. In case you hadn't noticed. This is probably due to two things: firstly, Rafa's half of the draw has been a big ol' cupcake, and secondly, cake is delicious.

Given the subject of this blog - you know, like, tennis and stuff - I'm going to write about the former again today. But cake IS delicious. That is my endorsed position.

So. Cake. Rafa's draw. I want to say that I've been unfair, that I branded this side as cupcake-y out of some malicious impulse deep in my soul or something. But I don't think it's true. On paper, this side of the draw is as cupcake-y as you get. Let's look at Rafa's draw so far. De Voest. Sweeting. Devvarman. Karlovic. Of them, Devvarman is the only one even ranked in the top hundred.

Cake. Rafa's having it, Rafa's eating it... someone said 'let Rafa eat cake!' and Rafa took that cake and - oh. Wait.

In the first two rounds, Rafa was jamming cake down like he was never going to eat a cake again. But then he played Devvarman. And Devvarman played him good, yo. You can see yesterday's blog post for my round up of just how well Devvarman played. I think I called him a cupcake with teeth. Which is actually a little unfair, because even though on paper, this looks like a cake-y match up, Somdev didn't play like cake AT ALL.

But you want an object lesson in a cupcake who didn't play like a cupcake? What's the weather like up there, Dr Ivo?

Ivo Karlovic is a problematic player. Right now, he's ranked way down in the #200s or something, which - you know, CAKE. But even when he was inside the top hundred, it always seemed strangely irrelevant to put a number ranking on Dr Ivo. If you could win the tiebreaks, then you would win the match. Because eight or nine times out of ten, Dr Ivo would take you to the tiebreak. He's the first word in one-dimensional games - not necessarily because the rest of his game is noticeably crap (it's so beige I can't remember how he plays, really) but because his serve is so good that it eclipses everything.

But he's coming back off injury and Rafa is #1, so... piece of cake, yeah?

How about NO. How about Dr Ivo played Rafa so hard - 23 aces! - that there was every possibility that Rafa would go down, that even this cupcake-y draw could defeat the world #1, pull him down like quiksand into a giant morass of cake?

Wow. I took that metaphor a little far. That is a disturbing mental image.

Rafa was extremely lucky to win this match. That was what I was trying to say. It basically hinged on one point - if Karlovic had got the minibreak in the third set breaker, then he would have won, end of story. Rankings are irrelevant for Karlovic because he can beat anyone if they can't deal with his serve. And although Rafa did reasonably well, it still almost wasn't enough.

And yet, on paper, Karlovic should have been yet another cupcake on Rafa's plate. Tennis can always, always surprise you.