Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Flying To Brogota

How on earth did I end up writing what now appears to be a Rafa-centric TV series? This was not in my life plan. It was not dreamt of in my philosophy.

SCENE #1 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

On one side of the jet sits NOLE, hugging his Indian Wells trophy. On another sits RAFA, texting someone on his mobile phone.

NOLE: I'm so glad you agreed to play this exhibition with me, Rafa.

RAFA: What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

NOLE: We will have so much fun!

RAFA: Um, yeah, sure.

NOLE: Who are you texting?

RAFA (a little too quickly): Nobody. Uncle Toni. Lopez. Other Lopez. No one you know.

RAFA sends his text.

RAFA (whispering): Please text back.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.



SCENE #2 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

ROGER is holding one of his kids in one arm, fixing his hair with the other. MY FRIEND STANLEY is sitting on the couch, the other twin crawling near his feet. The Homer Simpson doll is sitting on the table.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: So anyway, now we have matching trophies! I know our gold medals match, but now we have MORE matching stuff. Like shirts! Though you have more blue shirts than me now.

ROGER (distracted): Uh-huh.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: We are totally SO GOOD together, Roge.

ROGER's phone beeps.

ROGER: Oooh, a text! Can you get that for me, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course, Roge!

MY FRIEND STANLEY picks up ROGER's phone. Jump cut to the screen which says: 'Dear Rogelio, I am sorry Nole called me GOAT. Is impossible for me to be GOAT when you are GOAT. Please forgive me. Rafa.'

MY FRIEND STANLEY'S face darkens.

ROGER: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... nothing. Wrong number.



SCENE #3 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Why did we agree to play this exhibition anyway? It is so inconvenient, no?

NOLE: I thought we could spend some more time together.

RAFA: You know we are very good friends, Nole, but we see each other all the time. Why do we need to spend more time together?

NOLE: Now that we are #1 and #2, we totally need to hang out more.

RAFA: Can we time it better next time?

NOLE: Good point.

Another pause.

NOLE: Maybe you should be president of Players' Council when the elections happen again. I could be your VP.

RAFA: Roger is president.

NOLE: But maybe you should be.

RAFA: No. Is impossible for me to be president, no? Rogelio is president.

NOLE: But for me, you are the greatest player of all time.

RAFA: I told you already before. You can't say that. Is stupid, no? Besides, you just beat me, so I cannot be the best.

NOLE: But you beat Roger all the time and you always say he's the best.

RAFA: Is different.

NOLE: No, it's not.

RAFA: Yes, it is.

NOLE: No.

RAFA: Yes.

NOLE: He likes My Friend Stanley more than you.

RAFA: Shut up!

NOLE: Oh, Rafa, I'm sorry. Don't cry.

RAFA (sniffing): I'm not crying.

NOLE: It's okay. So Roger likes My Friend Stanley more than you. Big deal.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio.

NOLE: I will be your new bro.

RAFA: I don't want a new bro. Besides, aren't you bros with Andy Murray now?

NOLE: Pfft. He fell asleep during our match. He's dumped. What do you think? I could be Brokovic.

RAFA: Novak. How can I say this?

NOLE: Brovak?

RAFA: I don't think -

NOLE: Creme Brole?

RAFA: Novak, I know we once had a very meaningful chest bump at the Hit For Haiti and I like you, I really do, but -

NOLE: Be my bro, Rafa!

RAFA: Let me explain it to you... through song.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

Love Story [tune by Taylor Swift, words by Jodi]

*

RAFA:

In Miami, I first played him

I close my eyes and see it again

Not yet eighteen

He had two Slams, not sixteen.

*

We played third round, and somehow I beat him

I was so stunned - I was thrilled just to meet him

He said, "Well done,"

And my heart was won.

*

He is Rogelio

He is the greatest ever

And everyone says, "You should be enemies!

"You're rivals, you're not friends

"And it should be so!"

*

But I say,

"Rogelio, let's go somewhere we can just hang out

"No one shouting that friendship's not what it's about.

"You be Sampras and I'll be Agassi

"But it's a love story, we're not enemies."

*

So we go off to play exhibitions

We giggle a lot, lose our inhibitions

We are best bros

Famous Ass and Potato Nose.

&

'Cause he's Rogelio

And I'm Raging Bull Rafa

And everyone says we should be enemies

Less crying and more shouting

We really should be foes!

&

But I say,

"Rogelio, hug me, you don't need to cry no more

"For every Slam I win I bet that you will win four

"You be Laver and I'll be Emerson

"It's a love story, let's go have fun.

%

"Rogelio, text me, I'll be waiting by the phone

"We are rivals but we don't have to be alone

"You be Lendl and I'll be McEnroe

"But it's a love story, because we are best bros."

&

But now he hangs with Stanley

And I wonder if he sees me at all

It hurts, it hurts badly

When he just doesn't answer my calls.

^

And I say,

"Rogelio, pick up, we haven't chattered for a while,

"Please don't ignore me - it's not your normal style

"Is impossible

"For you to like Stan more,"

He picks up the phone

And closes the door and says,

"How are you, Rafa, I've missed you so badly!

"I really don't like My Good Friend Stanley!

"He's so annoying - how didn't I know?

"We're a love story - you are my best bro!"

NOLE: One, your imagination is terrifying. Two, you know love means nothing in tennis, right?

RAFA: Rogelio and I are bros. Look, Novak, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.

NOLE: But I am #2 now.

RAFA: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but -

NOLE: But our matches are so much better! Remember Madrid, man? 2009? You and me... good times.

RAFA: And then Roger beat me in the final. He is the greatest of all time.

NOLE: Dude. You have an inferiority complex. For serious. I don't know what you see in him.



SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

ROGER is illuminated in glowing light. The wind machine is on. In slow motion, he pushes his hair out his eyes.

AX #1: The Hallelujah Chorus.



SCENE #5 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Well, you and I could never have matching haircuts. I couldn't pull off the Bert like you do, Nole.

RAFA pulls out his phone again. He is about to start texting when it rings.

RAFA: Hello?

SCENE #6 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I know what happened at the trophy ceremony.



SCENE #7 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA.

RAFA: Well, it was televised, no?



SCENE #8 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge will be very disappointed. Actually, he won't, because he likes me more than you.



SCENE #9 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: His. Name. Is. Rogelio.

In the background, NOLE rolls his eyes.



SCENE #10 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: You may have tried to back pedal, and say it was all stupid that Novak thinks you're the GOAT, but -

Suddenly, the door opens. ROGER has opened it.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?



SCENE #11 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. You are so whipped.

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Was that a yes-whatever or a no-whatever?

RAFA: ...I think I will take a siesta now.

NOLE: But we're nearly there! We'll be landing in Bogota soon!

A pause.

NOLE: Or should I say... BROgota?

RAFA: Nole. No.

His Name Is Rogelio

We're doing something a bit different here beyond the baseline today. Instead of writing about tennis, we're going to do a dramatic re-enactment instead. (If anyone is foolish enough to want to make this film, you know, call me.)

This is called 'His Name Is Rogelio' and it goes out to the Federbitches.




SCENE 1 [INT]: INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

RAFA sits on a bench, looking sad and lonely. He has a towel, which he is twisting between his hands. He is very sweaty - he has just come off court after playing a long, gruelling match.

Enter IVO. He doesn't look at RAFA. He is too busy tweeting about how he just lost. He exits. RAFA sighs. He is alone. Until...

Enter ROGER, who crosses to his locker.

ROGER: Hi, Rafa.

RAFA's face breaks into a huge smile.

RAFA: Hola, Rogelio! How are you? What is going on? What are you doing here? I just played a match! When do you play a match? Where have you been?

ROGER: How did your match go?

RAFA: I won. Just. Is impossible to win easy, no?

ROGER: That's great!

A silence. ROGER and RAFA look at each other, and then giggle like little schoolboys for approximately fifteen minutes. Eventually...

RAFA: What are you doing here? hee hee hee.

ROGER: Oh, you know how I'm playing doubles with My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's face darkens.

RAFA: Yes. Hey, remember how we played doubles at the Rally for Relief? We should do that in a tournament sometime!

ROGER: Maybe. I like playing with My Friend Stanley. Are you crying?

RAFA (sniffing): No.

ROGER: Well, I have a yellow shirt and he has a blue shirt. He wore a yellow shirt yesterday, so I think it's my turn to match him. I asked Nike to send me a blue shirt.

RAFA: I have a green shirt. You would look so nice in green.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa. You are a nice boy. How's your doubles going?

RAFA: It's fine. Hey Roger, want to play -

ROGER: Anyway, I just came to see if my new blue shirt - you know, so I can match My Friend Stanley - has arrived.

ROGER opens his locker. 45 blue shirts fall out.

ROGER: Wow! I guess Nike really like me.

RAFA: Nike really like me too! We are Nike bros!

ROGER: Yes, Rafa, we are totally Nike bros.

More giggling.

ROGER: Anyway, I should take my shirts and go. I'm off to dinner.

RAFA: Where are you going?

ROGER: Oh, I don't know. I'll let Mirka decide. It'll be nice. A real family dinner. Me, Mirka, the kids... and My Friend Stanley. Bye, Rafa!

Exit ROGER

RAFA sniffs. He is near tears.

RAFA: Is impossible for him to like My Friend Stanley as much as likes me, no?

Enter OTHER LOPEZ

OTHER LOPEZ: Hey Rafa, want to come to late late Spanish dinner when you've done your press and stuff?

RAFA: Not this time, Other Lopez.

OTHER LOPEZ: What do you mean, no? I'm your doubles partner! I'm your bro! I'm Bropez!

RAFA: I am tired after my match. Tired and sad.

OTHER LOPEZ: Why can't we be BFFs like Roger and My Friend Stanley?

RAFA: ROGER IS NOT BEST FRIENDS WITH MY FRIEND STANLEY HE IS BEST FRIENDS WITH MEEEEEEEEE!

OTHER LOPEZ: Whoa. Chill. Later, dudelio.

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

RAFA stares into the middle distance, trying not to cry. After a moment, enter NOLE

NOLE: Hey Rafa, want to play an awesomely badly timed and inconveniently located exho with me in Bogota the day after the final?

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Awesome!

Exit NOLE

RAFA: What? No! That was a NO-WHATEVER, not a YES-WHATEVER, Nole!

Exit RAFA after NOLE, running.




SCENE 2 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

Enter RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ. OTHER LOPEZ is dressed identically to RAFA, except for his shoes.

OTHER LOPEZ: Are you excited, Rafa? I'm excited! Remember how we won here last year?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to remember, no? I have won so many things.

OTHER LOPEZ: Well, it was awesome! We're awesome! We're the best team ever! Rafa and Bropez RULE, man!

RAFA: Whatever.

A pause.

RAFA: That was a yes-whatever. We, um, rule.

OTHER LOPEZ: VAMOS! Let's play tennis! Let's beat those Swiss cheeses!

AX #1: Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You

Enter ROGER, in slow motion. The wind machine starts up and blows his chocolate curls back. In slow motion. RAFA stares at him, lovestruck.

ROGER: Hi Rafa! Like my new blue shirt?

RAFA: You look... beautiful.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, why have you fallen to your knees? Is that why you injure them all the time?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah Rafa, why?

MY FRIEND STANLEY emerges from behind RAFA.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Don't Roger and I look great, Rafa? Don't we look like... best friends?

RAFA: I'm ranked #1 in the world.

ROGER: Dude.

RAFA: Sorry, Roger! I did not mean to offend you! For me you are the greatest player, you know -

ROGER: What, were you saying something before? I just meant, dude, get up, we have to start the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, me and Roger are going to kick your arse.

RAFA: I won't let you, My Friend Stanley. You can't intimidate me.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you.

RAFA: Prove it.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, who am I?

ROGER: You're My Friend Stanley! Come on, let's play!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: That's right. I'm his friend Stanley. And who are you...?

MY FRIEND STANLEY and ROGER walk to their side of the net. RAFA stares after them, a tear in his eye.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, come on! We have to start the match!

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO.




SCENE #3 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

A tennis montage. ROGER hits some awesome shots, mostly in slow motion, chocolate curls flying artistically. RAFA hits a few monstrous forehands, a few right at MY FRIEND STANLEY. MY FRIEND STANLEY reciprocates with some backhand winners. OTHER LOPEZ tries to get RAFA to notice him.

End of the first set. RAFA is serving. It is deuce, deciding point. If RAFA wins this point, the set goes to a tiebreaker. If he loses, ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY will win the set.

RAFA throws the ball in the air for his first serve... and suddenly we are in his mind.




SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA's mind

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you!

ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY sit next to a campfire, warming their hands. Gradually, slowly, ROGER moves his hands so he is warming them on MY FRIEND STANLEY.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley...

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yes, Roge?

ROGER: Can I call you... My Best Friend Stanley?

RAFA: Nooooooooooooo!




SCENE #5 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

MY FRIEND STANLEY grins evilly at RAFA, who grits his teeth.

RAFA: No. I will not let him defeat me.

OTHER LOPEZ: Come on, bro! You can do it!

RAFA: Who are you again?

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I'm BROPEZ!

RAFA: Oh.

RAFA throws the ball in the air to serve again, and... he looks into ROGER's eyes.




SCENE #6 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

RAFA: And what are you going to give me? for the present?

ROGER: I'll give you the first set.

RAFA and ROGER giggle like little schoolboys.

RAFA: We are bros, no? BEST bros?

ROGER: Totally. And bros give each other presents, don't they?




SCENE #7 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

UMPIRE: Game, first set, Federer and Wawrinka, seven games to five!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Woo! Yeah! Hopp Suisse! We are the Swiss! The mighty mighty Swiss! See you soon! On the moon! We are the best, aren't we, Roger!

ROGER: We rock, My Friend Stanley!

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, what were you doing?

RAFA: For you, Rogelio. The first set, it was for you. My gift.




SCENE #8 [EXT] - INDIAN WELLS, CENTRE COURT

Another montage. ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY clearly have the upper hand. OTHER LOPEZ is alternately flabbergasted and trying to make RAFA remember he's there. RAFA is distracted by the slow motion wind machine glory going on near ROGER.

Eventually, MY FRIEND STANLEY is serving for the match. RAFA hits a huge forehand which MY FRIEND STANLEY cannot get to. RAFA does a double fistpump.

UMPIRE: Forty thirty.

MY FRIEND STANLEY serves to OTHER LOPEZ, who loses the point.

UMPIRE: Game, set, match, Federer and Wawrinka, two sets to love. Seven five, six three.

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I am SO SAD we lost. Rafa and Bropez are out of the tournament. What are we going to do?

RAFA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

OTHER LOPEZ: Which whatever was that?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, do you think I was on fire? Want to warm your hands on me?

ROGER: Not today, My Friend Stanley. I'm a bit tired.

MY FRIEND STANLEY is crestfallen. Slowly, a huge smile spreads over RAFA's face.

ROGER: Good match, Rafa.

RAFA: Thanks, Rogelio. Good luck for the final.

ROGER: Thanks.

ROGER and RAFA shake hands. They hold hands for a moment longer than is strictly appropriate. They stare into each others' eyes, sympatico on every level.




SCENE #9 [INT] - INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

ROGER, MY FRIEND STANLEY, RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ are all towelling down and doing that kind of thing after the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey, there's a note in my locker! It landed right on top of Homer Simpson's head!

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, you never leave notes in my locker.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: This is so sweet, Roge.

ROGER (doing his hair): Mmm? It's not from me. I was too busy reading The Elegant Universe to write notes.

OTHER LOPEZ: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY (unfolding the note): 'Dear My ENEMY Stanley, is impossible for Roger to like you more than me. Has he ever played exhibitions for charity with you? NO. Did you play doubles and ping pong tennis with him in Australia? NO. Do you have the GOAT bromance? Do you have a gigglefits video? Did you hug him and nearly make out with him when you beat him in Australia in 2009? NO. You may be His Friend Stanley, but I am HIS BROTHER, no?'

A silence. Everyone looks at RAFA.

RAFA: I didn't write that. Doesn't even sound like me, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course it was you! Who else could it be?

RAFA: All right, it was me - because I am the ONLY ONE he does those things with. ROGELIO LIKES ME THE BEST.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, NO, bitch. Has ROGE ever let you take a picture of him with Homer Simpson sitting on his cap brim? NO.

RAFA: Well, I don't play with dolls, LOSER. And anyway, Fedal sounds WAY cooler than Fedrinka. What is that? It sounds like something you use to fix your sink!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, well, Fedal sounds like something you would eat for dinner! With rice!

OTHER LOPEZ: Why don't you ever fight over ME, Rafa?

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, who is that guy again?

RAFA: Other Lopez. Bropez. Something. I can't remember.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Anyway, fighting again. How many gold medals have you won, bitch?

RAFA: Um, ONE.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: How many have you won WITH ROGE?

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY grab each other and throw down on the floor of the locker room.

ROGER (giggling): Oh boys, don't fight over little old me!

Enter MIRKA.

MIRKA: FEDERBITCHES!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting.

ROGER: Hello, Mirka.

ROGER kisses MIRKA's cheek.

MIRKA: What is going on here?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting and look sheepish.

MIRKA: On your feet, both of you.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stand up.

MIRKA: Were you two fighting over who Roger loves the most again?

ROGER: Guys, you know I love you both.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But I'm Your Friend Stanley! You love ME!

RAFA: But we have a fine bromance!

MIRKA: Ahem.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've had this conversation before. No more fighting over Roger. He worries that you'll get hurt and it musses up his hair.

RAFA: Nothing could muss up your hair, Roger. That's why I got my hair cut just like you.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Loser.

RAFA: Ewok.

MIRKA: Boys.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've talked about this, remember? Roger is very good friends with both of you.

ROGER: Yeah, love you guys!

MIRKA: But when it comes to who he loves most, the answer is...

AX #2: Drumroll.

RAFA: Please choose me, Rogelio.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I love you so much, Roge.

MIRKA: ...me. Guys, haven't you figured that out yet?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY both look crestfallen.

MIRKA: Come on, Roger. Charlene and Myla have woken up and I need another pair of hands to change nappies.

Exit MIRKA.

ROGER: Isn't she the best? See you guys.

Exit ROGER.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stare after him mournfully.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, if Mirka's #1, then I'm #2.

RAFA: No, I'm #2, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I'm #2!

RAFA: I'd be a better #2!

Enter NOLE

NOLE: I thought I was the one fighting to be #2.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: SHUT UP!

A Piece Of Cake...?

I've been writing about cake a lot this week. In case you hadn't noticed. This is probably due to two things: firstly, Rafa's half of the draw has been a big ol' cupcake, and secondly, cake is delicious.

Given the subject of this blog - you know, like, tennis and stuff - I'm going to write about the former again today. But cake IS delicious. That is my endorsed position.

So. Cake. Rafa's draw. I want to say that I've been unfair, that I branded this side as cupcake-y out of some malicious impulse deep in my soul or something. But I don't think it's true. On paper, this side of the draw is as cupcake-y as you get. Let's look at Rafa's draw so far. De Voest. Sweeting. Devvarman. Karlovic. Of them, Devvarman is the only one even ranked in the top hundred.

Cake. Rafa's having it, Rafa's eating it... someone said 'let Rafa eat cake!' and Rafa took that cake and - oh. Wait.

In the first two rounds, Rafa was jamming cake down like he was never going to eat a cake again. But then he played Devvarman. And Devvarman played him good, yo. You can see yesterday's blog post for my round up of just how well Devvarman played. I think I called him a cupcake with teeth. Which is actually a little unfair, because even though on paper, this looks like a cake-y match up, Somdev didn't play like cake AT ALL.

But you want an object lesson in a cupcake who didn't play like a cupcake? What's the weather like up there, Dr Ivo?

Ivo Karlovic is a problematic player. Right now, he's ranked way down in the #200s or something, which - you know, CAKE. But even when he was inside the top hundred, it always seemed strangely irrelevant to put a number ranking on Dr Ivo. If you could win the tiebreaks, then you would win the match. Because eight or nine times out of ten, Dr Ivo would take you to the tiebreak. He's the first word in one-dimensional games - not necessarily because the rest of his game is noticeably crap (it's so beige I can't remember how he plays, really) but because his serve is so good that it eclipses everything.

But he's coming back off injury and Rafa is #1, so... piece of cake, yeah?

How about NO. How about Dr Ivo played Rafa so hard - 23 aces! - that there was every possibility that Rafa would go down, that even this cupcake-y draw could defeat the world #1, pull him down like quiksand into a giant morass of cake?

Wow. I took that metaphor a little far. That is a disturbing mental image.

Rafa was extremely lucky to win this match. That was what I was trying to say. It basically hinged on one point - if Karlovic had got the minibreak in the third set breaker, then he would have won, end of story. Rankings are irrelevant for Karlovic because he can beat anyone if they can't deal with his serve. And although Rafa did reasonably well, it still almost wasn't enough.

And yet, on paper, Karlovic should have been yet another cupcake on Rafa's plate. Tennis can always, always surprise you.

A Bizarre Image Which Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Sometimes cupcakes have teeth.

(How is that for a weird mental image?)

We had what has to be one of the best night session lineups in the history of ever in Indian Wells tonight - Rafa playing first, Roger playing second. It does not get any better than that, end of story. And their opponents? Cupcake #1 and Cupcake #2. But these cupcakes... they were the kind with teeth. They weren't quite haggis vindaloo, but they were the kind of cupcakes you'd choke and splutter on. These cupcakes played well above their rankings. And good on them both.

Rafa's cupcake was Somdev Devvarman, he who had a pretty sweet Davis Cup win over Janko Tipsarevic a little while ago and who is in pretty good form. Still, if you're opponent's Rafa, you're essentially a cupcake by default. But Somdev really, REALLY did not play like one. I don't know if there's any gooey, moist cupcake in the world anywhere in the world who can serve at 75%. Them's some good numbers, yo.

Devvarman was ranked #100 the last time I checked... which, to be fair, was round about the same time as the Commonwealth Games, so it's a while. I assume it's changed a bit. But no matter where he's ranked, I feel pretty confident in saying that he is going to move up soon. He's playing with real confidence right now - with teeth, in fact. He's sinking them into matches and, like a tiger shark, not letting go. Rafa got him in straights today, but they were tight ones. A little experience was all Somdev was needing - Rafa won both sets on a crucial break right at the end. If he plays a few more tournaments the way he played this one, Somdev won't give up those breaks any more.

Roger had the one cupcake left in his haggis vindaloo draw... though you wouldn't have been able to tell. Harrison plays differently from Devvarman - his style is less 'sink your teeth in' and more 'I HAVE NO FEAR'. Aside from a few opening nerves, he appeared almost wholly undaunted by the situation. Federer, who is capable of winning cupcake-y factors on daunt factor alone, was a little taken by surprise with this, I think. Harrison is only eighteen years old (I think... he's a teenager anyway), but he demonstrated both today and yesterday against Milos Raonic that he's capable of playing at a much higher level than his age. He has the emotional maturity, I think, that a lot of juniors are lacking. Or that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

These two cupcakes, even though they both lost in straights, both put up excellent performances. The same can not be said for Vile Troicki, who is supposed to be a good player and who got sent to the bakery by Djokovic. Djokovic is playing amazingly at the moment - ain't no one gonna deny that - but for serious, Viktor? That's just silly.

Also silly was the fact that I was right - Gasquet really is a bit of a contender in this tournament, capable of stringing wins together against anyone if he doesn't think too hard and no one's looking. Despite what I said yesterday, I fully expected him to lose today. I think Andy Roddick did too, so the result came as a bit of a rude shock...

Karlovic, Robredo and del Potro all came through in the cupcake half of Rafa, while Stan Wawrinka will join Gasquet and Djokovic in Roger's haggis vindaloo side. I was super pleased with Stan's results today. I'm not going to be surprised if he enters the top ten again this year. I will also not be surprised if Berdych leaves it. Will anyone?

Haggis Vindaloo

If the top half of the draw is cupcakes, then the bottom half is... what's something that's really difficult to eat? Something so full of chilli and spices that you can barely swallow without choking. Vindaloo. Or maybe haggis or tripe. We have eight dudes left in this section and there's only one who I don't think has a chance at the final.

That dude is Ryan Harrison, who prevailed over Milos Raonic. This is not to say that this was not a fantastic win for him, because, hello, it was. (Sidebar - I can't believe we're talking about beating Raonic as a major victory. Wasn't he nobody like five seconds ago?) But despite this, I don't think he's up to playing with the big boys quite yet. Soon, but not yet.

The biggest boys are, of course, Federer and Djokovic, who will play a tantalising semi final if it comes to it (and oh, oh, OH would it be sweet if Federer were to break that Djokovic streak! That would not be haggis AT ALL), but there are many obstacles in the way before then. With the exception of Harrison, every other dude in this half is a contender.

Let's have a look, shall we? (Sorry, no guest blogger today - dudes in this half do not have the cupcake-y luxury that Rafa is currently enjoying.) Aside from Federer and Djokovic, we have two other top ten players in Berdych and Roddick. I wouldn't be putting my money on other of these dudes, but they are more than capable of making it to the final if things go their way. I wouldn't say either of them is in their bestest form ever at the moment, but you make it to the final eight in this half, then you have a little something going on. You are probably not... a cupcake. You are meaty. You are weighty. You stick to the ribs. And you're not going down easy. You are like vindaloo. Vindaloo made with haggis.

Just outside the top ten we have Stan Wawrinka, and if you saw what he did to Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, you know just how much Stanley is capable of. Of course, he could just as easily be totally flat, but if Stan is on... well, he's made a Masters final before, that's all I'm saying.

And then you have Troicki. While I would rather eat eight family size portions of haggis vindaloo than see him make the final, it's not outside the realms of possibility.

And then, perhaps most interestingly, you have Gasquet. I thought about including him with Harrison, because I think it would be very unlikely for him to come through to the final here. Reeshie is not a dude who does well with haggis vindaloo - though, ironically, it might be better for him to be in this tough side than off eating cupcakes, because sometimes I think he's allergic to them. Playing a hot chilli dude lets Richou know that he has to come out and play well. If he's playing a cupcake, he can get all over confident, all 'oh yeah man, I love cupcakes!' and before you know it he's lost and you're cleaning up the puke.

So yes, I think Gasquet has a tiny chance of making the final. He's got Safin-esque levels of inconsistency, but as far as pure talent goes, he's in my top ten. And sometimes, that pure talent can get you places - like a fluke tournament run. And if Ivan Ljubicic can win this title, then anything can happen.

This is definitely the more intriguing half of the draw. There are no byes here. While the other side is possibly the most predictable since tennis began - Juan Martin del Potro is the only possible dud cupcake over there, the only one who could mess up Rafa's parade - this side is anyone's. Except Harrison's. He's not quite haggis vindaloo yet. Sometimes the draw gods work in very, very mysterious ways.

Cupcakes For Breakfast

So I think we're all agreed. The top half of the Indian Wells draw is cancelled. We're just sending Rafa Nadal straight to the final, yesno?

Seriously, I'm not one of the people who sees conspiracy theories in draws, but if Rafa's draw was any cupcakier I would be eating it right now. It is freaking ridiculous. I've seen some fluke-y draws in my time, but this one is practically a work of art in its cupcakiness. And it's not like it necessarily started out that way, either - it's evolved into this high form of cupcake art. Give a monkey a pen and eventually it'll write Hamlet; give tennis players racquets and one day you'll be left with Rafa and some cakes.

Let's review. In fact, I've got a very special guest here on Tennis From Beyond The Baseline to review for you. Say hola to Rafa, guys!

...

Hello. Hola. I'm Rafa Nadal, and I'm ranked #1 in the world. I had a bit of a sad loss at the Australian Open, but I'm still ranked #1 and I'm all better from my injury, and I'm coming off a pretty excellent Davis Cup weekend. I'm pretty awesome. On my day, I can beat just about anyone. Actually, that is actually everyone, because I'm more than pretty awesome.

I get a bye in my first round, because, hello, awesome. And then in my second round, I get Rik de Voest. He's a qualifier. I know it can toughen people up, that qualifying draw, and I like my cupcakes all gooey and moist, so I decide to give him - oh, he retired. Oops. Who knew.

Meanwhile, while this is going on, the other seeds in my section are playing. Sorry, did I say playing? I meant losing. Out goes Monaco, out goes Baghdatis, out goes Tsonga, and the dude who beat me at the Australian Open, David Ferrer? Yeah, he's gone too. But it's all right. This cupcake still has some seeds in it. It's freaking multigrain. Simon! Almagro! Montanes! These dudes all have some mad skills, no?

Sorry, did you just ask what I'm ranked? #1, dude. And how many Slams do I have? That would be nine. How many other Slam winners are there in the entire top half of the draw? Well, Juan Martin del Potro won one, but he's over in the other side of the half. Murray's half. And Murray's been to three finals of Slams before - oh, Murray lost? To Donald Young?

You know I am a polite guy. I'm Rafa. But excuse me while I shriek WHAT THE F^&*?!

But you know, I am modest, and is basically impossible for me to win, no? These guys, they all play very good. Anyone is a danger. I'm playing Ryan Sweeting this round, and he got a whole FOUR GAMES off me at the Australian Open. In three sets. That is FOUR GAMES TOO MANY.

I am so disappointed. He got four games off me again, and this time in only TWO sets. My game must be slipping. Is basically impossible for me to win this cupcake-y half now, no? There are still some seeds left, remember - remember Montanes and Almagro and Simon?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY MONTANES IS LEFT WHAT IS THIS TOURNAMENT WHO IS BAKING THIS CUPCAKE FOR ME?!

But in the other side of this top half, it's still all going on. Murray might be gone, but Soderling is #4 now, and he's still there - oh. Hang on. So if I want to make the final, the highest seed I have to beat is... Verdasco?

Except no. Because he lost too. The highest ranked dude I could face now before the final is... drumroll... Sam Querrey. And is impossible for me to win that match, no? He's won three of eight matches this year and I'm only ranked #1. What more do you expect me to do?

Sorry guys, I have to say hasta manana now. I can smell cupcakes baking in the oven. And I have to play another qualifier soon.

...

...hi guys, Jodi's back now. And she would like to say WHAT THE EVERLOVING F^&* HAPPENED TO THE TOP HALF OF THE DRAW IN INDIAN WELLS?! The only dude that is even half a threat to Rafa now is Juan Martin del Potro and while he's pretty awesome, I don't think he's quite up to Rafa beating right now. We might as well pack up the top half now and send Rafa straight to the final.

And if I'm Rafa, I don't know how much I like this state of affairs. Because if I've been stuffing my face with cupcakes and then I get to the final and I get a big slice of Federer-or-Djokovic pie... I don't think that's going to sit too well, if you know what I mean. Cupcakes are many things - delicious, for example - but good preparation for a final? Not so much.

Double Damage

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... we're back beyond the baseline! Jodi is back behind her computer, Indian Wells is a-going on and there is lots to see and do. Let us get started. No further ado. Except to say a quick congrats to Amer Delic for winning the Sarajevo Challenger. Even if he did beat my beloved Nicolas Mahut, he is a feelgood winner and no mistake.

Indian Wells has it all going on in singles, but it really has it going on in doubles. If I'm a regular doubles player - a Nestor or a Bryan or a Zimonjic or someone like that - I'm not liking Indian Wells too much at all, because all these singles dudes have turned up (nine of the top ten, in fact) and they're winning. Lots of people talk about how doubles shouldn't be considered singles' wussy little sibling, but when singles players can do this kind of damage...

...okay, not opening that can of worms. We still have Nadal, Federer, Djokovic and Murray active in doubles, not to mention Melzer and Petzschner (awesome singles players and Wimbledon champs), Benneteau and Gasquet (talented Frenchies), Dolgopolov and Malisse (who knows what could happen?) and, oh yeah, the Bryans. This doubles draw is literally anyone's game - unless you happen to be a seeded doubles team, like Nestor and Mirnyi or Fyrstenberg and Matkowski. Then you are pretty much shit out of luck.

If a duo like the Bryans or Paes and Bhupathi (or even the Indo-Pak Express) can come through and win this one, I will be a) very surprised, but mostly b) really, really impressed, because this has got to be one of the best damn doubles draws of all time. It's literally unpickable. The one pick I'm going to make is that no one will do double duty and win both singles and doubles. The draws here are too deep and tough for that. (Watch me be proven wrong. Hopefully by Federer, but probably by Djokovic. Unappetising idea.)

Of course, if Andy Murray doesn't do well in doubles, then we could have a worse collapse than last year on our hands. We might already - losing to Donald Young in singles? Andy, dude. I don't like you, but Donald Young? Doubles could be a great morale booster, and having his doubles-experienced (and Slam-winning) brother by his side should be an asset - but in a doubles draw like this, who knows what could happen?

With the exception of Murray - and Ferrer, if we're going that deep - we're still on track for a highly-seeded set of later rounds in the singles. I have Nadal winning in my bracket, and I'm really interested to see if he can make it happen - of course, I would love to be wrong and see R-Fed pull out the victory, but I have a Rafa-type feeling on this one. If he's fully fit, then I like Rafa to beat just about anyone. This is obviously a very contentious claim, on account of how he is #1 in the world. But we shall see, we shall see.

Let's just put it this way - I would be very, very surprised if we saw someone like Ivan Ljubicic win this year. It just doesn't feel like that kind of year. Indian Wells this year feels oddly... significant. I don't know, maybe I'm just making that up. But it feels weighty, it feels meaningful, and the results from here and Miami could really (unlike last year) set the tone for the next few months.

Auto-Update 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

Yeah, I know I said I'd be back again today, but I lied. Off you go. Go enjoy the world's greatest doubles tournament - I mean, Indian Wells. A very serious singles event. Oh yes.

(And spare a thought for Nico Mahut, who had a bunch of match points but couldn't quite pull it off against Amer Delic in Sarajevo. Sadface.)

Tapping the Well in Indian Wells

Well, we've kept Nicolas Mahut (yay!) even though he has come down with some flu-y symptoms that led to him pulling out of doubles in Sarajevo. Here is hoping that he feels better, because if he's not going to play Indian Wells, I want him to win this whole damn tournament. He pulled out the win ove Roberto Batista-Agut today, and here's hoping he can do the same against Jan Hernych tomorrow.

This is especially because we've now lost the top two seeds, leaving Nico, at #3, the highest man standing. Dimitrov went out in the first round and then Kavcic followed him in the second, going down to Martin Fischer. Kavcic had a pretty big weekend of Davis Cup duty - he pretty much led Slovenia to victory - but then, Fischer wasn't exactly a slouch playing for Austria, so go figure. That is tennis. Sometimes you get weird results.

I really, really wish that Nico had gone to play Indian Wells qualies. I think he definitely would have had a great shot at qualifying. But it's all about points, points, points, and considering he dropped ten places last week, I guess I understand.

There are some familiar faces among the dudes that did qualify in Indian Wells, and three of them are Australian, which is a little bit awesome. Matt Ebden beat Izak van der Merwe to qualify, which is a good win, and he'll face Mischa Zverev in the first round, which is not the most unwinnable of matches. Ebden is 23, which seems a little late to be making a major breakthrough, but he has been playing better and better and better consistently over the last year or so. I think he can definitely break into the top hundred and results like these are good ways of getting there.

One dude who has been to the top hundred and is looking to get back is Chris Guccione, who also fought his way into the main draw. He beat a dude of whom I have never heard, but I wish I had, on account of he has an awesome name - Spain's Daniel Munoz-De La Nava (how is that not the name of a volcano or something like that? I love it.) Guccione hit 17 aces, which... wow. If he has that big lefty serve cranking, watch out world. He's drawn James Blake in the first round, which could be a very interesting match up indeed.

The last of the Aussie qualifiers, a man who has all the talent to be in the top hundred but sometimes not the consistency (but that's getting better), is Marinko Matosevic. He beat South African Raven Klaasen (another awesome name - this dude seems to be popping more and more in draws, so he must be on the improve), but has got arguably the toughest first round draw of the Aussie boys - he'll face Dr Ivo Karlovic, just a week after that record-breaking serve. If he can get a read on the serve, he has a chance, if not...

This is a great result for Australian tennis, having these three dudes go through. Also spare a thought for Greg Jones, who fell in the last round of qualies to Somdev Devvarman. None of these dudes are megastars, but they're good, quality players. Australian mens' tennis is not quite in the epic black hole everyone seems to think it is. The well is not as shallow as once it was.

Demuscling Her Way Back To The Top

I kind of love that Jelena Jankovic wasn't able to lift the trophy when she won Indian Wells. Because I think it means she's moved a long way towards shedding the excess muscle bulk that slowed her down so badly last year.


This means, my friends, that Jelena Jankovic could be on her way back.


It's pretty rare that I say anything positive about any of the Serbian players, what with Jelena being all defensive and Novak being a) irritating and b) suddenly a grinderman and Ana being, well, a big trainwreck. So pay heed to this rare occurrence - I think Jelena Jankovic just might be on the up and up.


I'm not certain about this, but Jelena certainly played better to come through Indian Wells than I have seen her play in a long time - particularly in her final two matches, against Stosur and Wozniacki respectively. Stosur fell apart to an extent, but Jelena really capitalised and never let her get back on her feet. Against Caro, she found the weakness - the forehand - and picked on it over and over again.


She played smart, and I haven't seen her play quite so cleverly for a long, long time.


This is exciting going into the clay season because I think her game is definitely very well suited to clay. And to win a tournament by beating Wozniacki, who plays quite a similar game, is a Very Big Deal Indeed. Sure, you can make the case that Jelena was simply the one that didn't lose, in the way of some WTA tournaments - but I'm not feeling that. Jelena won this one. And my gut says... it says look out, rest of the WTA, because Jelena's going to have a Serbian resurgence all on her own.

Don't Expect the Unexpected

Well, I think we can safely say that anyone who bet on Ivan Ljubicic to win this tournament just won a crapton of money, because I - and probably just about everyone else - would never have picked this in a thousand years. In a field rich with players like Federer, Nadal, Djokovic, Murray and finalist Roddick... Ljubicic? really?

I mean, Ivan's good. He used to be #3 in the world. He's real good. But that was almost five years ago now and he hasn't been playing strictly excellent tennis. Challengers have been involved. And also, he's 31, which is up there for a tennis player. And despite his former ranking, he's never won one of these things before.

I love that, even though he's past the heyday of his career and his highest ever ranking (one would think, anyway) Ljubicic just pulled off his biggest tournament win ever. Seriously, could it happen to a nicer guy? I was serious yesterday when I said this was a happy final. I would have been happy for Roddick to win - I expected Roddick to win - but I am totally gleeful that Ljubicic did.

This isn't because I think he's a total dude, even though I do think he's a total dude. This proves that even now, even in this era of Hispano-Suisse dominance, even though I love that era, sometimes the unexpected just sneaks up and punches you in the nose. You never expect the unexpected in men's tennis any more... and so when the unexpected happens, it really does put a little smile on your face.

Congratulations, Ivan Ljubicic. This is awesome. And so are you.

Happy Final

I wrote yesterday about how awesome Rafa is - because that dude's awesome. He did go out today, which was a bit sad, on account of how he is awesome. But you know who else is awesome?

Ivan Ljubicic. Seriously, I love that guy. He has to be one of the most eloquent men in tennis. And his story is so fascinating as well... and he's just such a good orator and statesman for the sport. This is starting to sound a lot like yesterday's post just with Ljubicic subbed in, so I will stop this ranty mcrant now.

But you know who else is awesome?

Andy Roddick. This dude deserves this final. He hasn't done anything massive since the Wimbledon final last year, but that final alone means that he deserves a big title. And if he can pull this one off, then I will be very happy. And if Ivan can pull it off, I will also be very happy.

I guess what I'm saying is that I dig this final. I really don't think anyone would have predicted it - Ljubicic especially, because he isn't exactly ranked #3 like when he made the final in 2006. But these guys are both so deserving of a big win. I love the randomness of this final - even though I love it when we get the big names in the final, it's always fun when you get a huge surprise.

And this final is a surprise, no questions there. But whoever wins it... it's going to be a great thing, and it's going to put a smile on my face.

'Slumpy'

Today's disappointment for me was obviously Sam Stosur going out to Jelena Jankovic, but getting to the semis here is still a totally massive result for her. Here's hoping she can build on this and bring a similarly solid result in Miami. And I do believe this propels her into the top ten - onya, Sam!

(And also, this is best I've seen out of Jankovic in a long time. Good to know that one of the Serbian kids is doing okay for themselves).

But what I really want to talk about is the Murray result - i.e. him losing to Robin Soderling, who seems to be a little bit of a giant killer. Soderling playing on a bad day is a horrific thing to watch but the Yoker on fire is supreme, and that seems to be what's happened to Murray here. I'm inclined to lay all the 'blame' for this result at Robin's door.

However.

How long it is before people start talking about Murray's 'slump'?

I would like to say that I do not think he's in a slump. Not at all. However, you know those crazy media kids. If Murray doesn't bring it in Miami, where I'm pretty sure he did rad last year, then tongues are going to start wagging. And let's face it, Andy is not, at this stage of his career, a claycourter. This means that his results during the clay season are probably not going to be spectacular. How long before this translates to 'slump'?

We've seen it with Roger, we've seen it with Rafa, we've seen it (with, I would argue, some justification) with Novak. It's Andy turn to assume the mantle of Slumpy, and I'm going to be very curious to see how the media spins this if he doesn't pull an epic result in Miami, even though this result in and of itself is not dreadful by any means...

Novak on the Edge

I talked yesterday about how Federer's loss to Baghdatis was not indicative of any great slide in form, any more so than his 2007 loss to Canas was the beginning of an end (we all know how that turned out - three Slam year ahoy!) And this is all true.

However, it does not mean that Novak Djokovic's loss to Ivan Ljubicic is NOT indicative of some greater overall thing. (Fear my double negative). Because I would contend that this is the latest in a string of weird things that... well, let's just say I'm not exactly on the 'Djokovic will dominate the tour this year bandwagon'.

Maybe it's the newfound pressure of being #2 or something, but Djokovic looks tired whenever he steps out on court (moreso than usual, anyway). At the Australian Open, we saw a lot of this - he managed to cruise through four relatively weak opponents before physically crumbling when he hit the brick wall that is Jo Tsonga.

But that brick wall seems to be coming earlier and earlier. This time it was Ivan Ljubicic - who is made of awesome, don't get me wrong, but really not the kind of person Djokovic should be rolling over for.

I used to rag on Djokovic all the time for being a rude little douchebag. But maybe he needed that abrasiveness. Maybe it gave him the edge he needed to play tennis at the top. Because he seems to have lost that edge now, lost that fire, that desire... and if this trend continues, he's not going to stay at #2 or even #3 for much longer.

And The Moral Of The Story Is...

...when you have match points, you must convert them.

Roger Federer held three match points against Marcos Baghdatis today and failed to convert a single one, which led to him losing the match. I don't think this is indicative on any greater trends - guess it didn't just go his way today - but it does show that in tennis, it isn't so much winning points that matters, but which points you win. They both won the same number of points (108) but Baghdatis comes out with the W next to his name.

That's tennis. So let that be a lesson to you - convert the points that matter.

It's annoying that Roger is out of Indian Wells, but it's not a major crisis or anything. With him gone, I am now barracking whole heartedly for Rafa (even though his shorts are heinous). It's going to be interesting to see who steps up for this one.

Speaking of stepping up - Sam Stosur! She's into the quarters after a sizzling win over Vera Zvonareva, the defending champ. Seriously, MADE OF AWESOME. She has a great chance of winning the whole thing, and now that would be something else. She won her maiden singles title last year... to get the second one at a tournament this massive would be rad.

To Do A Wozniacki

This is a big league women's tournament. It may be traditionally sans Williamses, but we can agree on this, n'cest pas? Indian Wells is a big frigging deal.

And this is anyone's tournament.

Let's look not at who is in, but who is out. Kuznetsova. Azarenka. Sharapova. Henin. Clijsters. Think of a big name in tennis - she's probably goneski. This makes this one of the most open tournaments in forever, and there's a real chance that some total random could come through and win the whole thing. There are a few names left - Jankovic, Wozniacki, Zvonareva - but then there a whole bunch of that second tier down who have the most massive chance in forever to walk off with a massive title. I'm talking Kleybanova. I'm talking Stosur. I'm talking Wickmayer and Martinez Sanchez. This tournament is one of the biggest chances in ages for someone to really announce themselves on the women's tour.

When the big names in men's tennis go out, I find it disappointing. In women's tennis, we're in a place where I find it exciting. We're in a place where someone could do what Wozniacki did at the US Open and make the best of a bad situation , or, alternatively, a place where someone could massively step up to the plate. You might be able to tell that I am massively in favour of Option B. Specifically, I am in favour of Samantha Stosur running away with the entire thing, but it's going to be interesting either way. Fun times.

Meanwhile, over in the dudes, the big names pretty much survived, but they did it differently. Rafael Nadal was in total cruise control mode in his victory over Mario Ancic. Novak Djokovic came within three points of losing to Philipp Kohlschreiber.

Will the real #2 please stand up?

Marvellous Marinko and Awesome Alicia

In all the kerfuffle of Hit for Haiti and the Sampras/Agassi war of words and all the trainwrecks - oh, speaking of trainwrecks, how about Maria Sharapova today? disaster central - I've forgotten to talk about what I think is a really nice story coming out of Indian Wells, from an Australian perspective anyway. In fact, there are two nice stories... which in this age for Aussie tennis is pretty rare.

Act One: Marinko Matosevic. He's been steadily climbing up the rankings for about a year now and making his presence known something severe, and it's finally come good for him at tour level. He played qualies here, qualified and then had the most massive win of his career when he beat Michael Llodra in the first round. Llodra is no schlep - he has some tour titles to his name, for heavens' sake! - so this was absolutely massive for Marinko.

He may have gone down to Jo Tsonga in straights today, but hello, he got the chance to play Jo Tsonga. That alone makes this potentially the biggest tournament of Marinko's career and is going to see him jump a huge number of rankings places. How 'bout that?

What I really like about Matosevic is his determination, and with this kind of impetus behind him, he's only going to get better. I'm excited about seeing where he goes from here.

And then, of course, there's Act Two: Alicia Molik. While Marinko Matosevic may have gone out today, Alicia Molik is still in there, with an absolutely crushing win over Elena Baltacha. I've made my reservations about her comeback quite clear and she is proving me totally wrong. She is playing awesome tennis in the desert and she's starting to show some real form and consistency. It's enough to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

And... he's not Australian but we love him anyway - R-Fed had a win. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet.

A Trainwreck Named Ana

Oh, Ana.

I don't know how much more there is to say about this girl. It started off as a slump. Then it turned into a bad season, a bad year. Now it's just a disaster. I feel it's not inaccurate to say that Ana Ivanovic's 'real' career ended with a bang, and that bang was her victory at Roland Garros 2008. Everything afterwards...? It just does not bear speaking of.

Is it - and it's difficult to say this - game over for Ana?

I think there could definitely be worse things for her than just taking some solid time out of the game - maybe even a Justine and Kim style sabbatical. I mean, with her loss to Sevastova today she's out of the top fifty, so much worse can it get? First it was the top ten, then the top twenty, then the top fifty... those milestones are only going to keep coming until she does something serious about her game. And trying to play through it... that's a whole year and a half of stuff not working.

Go away, Ana. I don't want to see your face again before you've fixed what is wrong. I don't even know what is wrong any more. It's probably not just one thing. It's many things. Fix them all - or at least some key ones. Because what you're doing at the moment...? Not helping. You might get a few wildcards on account of how you are Ana Ivanovic, but really? you're going to have to start playing qualies sooner rather than later and that is not going to help at all. Not when you start losing - because at the rate you're going, you will - to people who will never sniff the Grand Slam glory that you once tasted.

Go away and fix your issues. That is the only advice I can offer now.

On the upside, though, how awesome is Anastasija Sevastova? I'm really digging her at the moment - I'd like to see her string some great results together!

I Don't Care What It Says On Your Shoes

You know who is a disappointing player? Michelle Larcher de Brito. Seriously, why does she get talked about so much? I don't understand it at all. Maybe it's just that she's young and hasn't grown into her game or something and wiser people than me have seen some kind of Ultimate Tennis Potential in her, but she does absolutely nothing for me. Nothing at all. Exhibit A: she got crushed today by Alexandra Dulgheru. Like, crushy mcrushed with a side of orange crush. Not good.

I'm almost positive the reason she gets discussed so much is because of her shriek. She's freaking loud. Anyway care to gainsay me?

And this is so not trendy to say, because she is the next big thing and all, but you know who else does nothing for me? Melanie Oudin. Yes, I know she'll probably grow up awesome and she made the quarters of the US Open last year and she's the best thing since the Williamses and sliced bread for American tennis and she has 'believe' on her shoes and whatnot, but I just don't feel her. I saw her play at Hopman Cup - she was playing Sorana Cirstea in a dead rubber, if I remember correctly - and even though she won, I really could have cared less. She was great at Hopman Cup for comedy value when she stood next to John Isner, but that was pretty much it.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure Oudin is going to be quite as great as everyone seems to think she is. I'm quite willing to be proved wrong on this, but I just do not feel her. No matter what her shoes say, I do not believe. And results like getting beaten 6-0 in the third by Roberta Vinci? Not helping.

...on a more positive note, you know who I really am feeling? Anastasija Sevastova. She beat Nuria Llagostera Vives in three today and I liked it. But maybe I just have a weakness for those Latvians...