Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Flying To Brogota

How on earth did I end up writing what now appears to be a Rafa-centric TV series? This was not in my life plan. It was not dreamt of in my philosophy.

SCENE #1 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

On one side of the jet sits NOLE, hugging his Indian Wells trophy. On another sits RAFA, texting someone on his mobile phone.

NOLE: I'm so glad you agreed to play this exhibition with me, Rafa.

RAFA: What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

NOLE: We will have so much fun!

RAFA: Um, yeah, sure.

NOLE: Who are you texting?

RAFA (a little too quickly): Nobody. Uncle Toni. Lopez. Other Lopez. No one you know.

RAFA sends his text.

RAFA (whispering): Please text back.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.



SCENE #2 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

ROGER is holding one of his kids in one arm, fixing his hair with the other. MY FRIEND STANLEY is sitting on the couch, the other twin crawling near his feet. The Homer Simpson doll is sitting on the table.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: So anyway, now we have matching trophies! I know our gold medals match, but now we have MORE matching stuff. Like shirts! Though you have more blue shirts than me now.

ROGER (distracted): Uh-huh.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: We are totally SO GOOD together, Roge.

ROGER's phone beeps.

ROGER: Oooh, a text! Can you get that for me, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course, Roge!

MY FRIEND STANLEY picks up ROGER's phone. Jump cut to the screen which says: 'Dear Rogelio, I am sorry Nole called me GOAT. Is impossible for me to be GOAT when you are GOAT. Please forgive me. Rafa.'

MY FRIEND STANLEY'S face darkens.

ROGER: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... nothing. Wrong number.



SCENE #3 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Why did we agree to play this exhibition anyway? It is so inconvenient, no?

NOLE: I thought we could spend some more time together.

RAFA: You know we are very good friends, Nole, but we see each other all the time. Why do we need to spend more time together?

NOLE: Now that we are #1 and #2, we totally need to hang out more.

RAFA: Can we time it better next time?

NOLE: Good point.

Another pause.

NOLE: Maybe you should be president of Players' Council when the elections happen again. I could be your VP.

RAFA: Roger is president.

NOLE: But maybe you should be.

RAFA: No. Is impossible for me to be president, no? Rogelio is president.

NOLE: But for me, you are the greatest player of all time.

RAFA: I told you already before. You can't say that. Is stupid, no? Besides, you just beat me, so I cannot be the best.

NOLE: But you beat Roger all the time and you always say he's the best.

RAFA: Is different.

NOLE: No, it's not.

RAFA: Yes, it is.

NOLE: No.

RAFA: Yes.

NOLE: He likes My Friend Stanley more than you.

RAFA: Shut up!

NOLE: Oh, Rafa, I'm sorry. Don't cry.

RAFA (sniffing): I'm not crying.

NOLE: It's okay. So Roger likes My Friend Stanley more than you. Big deal.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio.

NOLE: I will be your new bro.

RAFA: I don't want a new bro. Besides, aren't you bros with Andy Murray now?

NOLE: Pfft. He fell asleep during our match. He's dumped. What do you think? I could be Brokovic.

RAFA: Novak. How can I say this?

NOLE: Brovak?

RAFA: I don't think -

NOLE: Creme Brole?

RAFA: Novak, I know we once had a very meaningful chest bump at the Hit For Haiti and I like you, I really do, but -

NOLE: Be my bro, Rafa!

RAFA: Let me explain it to you... through song.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

Love Story [tune by Taylor Swift, words by Jodi]

*

RAFA:

In Miami, I first played him

I close my eyes and see it again

Not yet eighteen

He had two Slams, not sixteen.

*

We played third round, and somehow I beat him

I was so stunned - I was thrilled just to meet him

He said, "Well done,"

And my heart was won.

*

He is Rogelio

He is the greatest ever

And everyone says, "You should be enemies!

"You're rivals, you're not friends

"And it should be so!"

*

But I say,

"Rogelio, let's go somewhere we can just hang out

"No one shouting that friendship's not what it's about.

"You be Sampras and I'll be Agassi

"But it's a love story, we're not enemies."

*

So we go off to play exhibitions

We giggle a lot, lose our inhibitions

We are best bros

Famous Ass and Potato Nose.

&

'Cause he's Rogelio

And I'm Raging Bull Rafa

And everyone says we should be enemies

Less crying and more shouting

We really should be foes!

&

But I say,

"Rogelio, hug me, you don't need to cry no more

"For every Slam I win I bet that you will win four

"You be Laver and I'll be Emerson

"It's a love story, let's go have fun.

%

"Rogelio, text me, I'll be waiting by the phone

"We are rivals but we don't have to be alone

"You be Lendl and I'll be McEnroe

"But it's a love story, because we are best bros."

&

But now he hangs with Stanley

And I wonder if he sees me at all

It hurts, it hurts badly

When he just doesn't answer my calls.

^

And I say,

"Rogelio, pick up, we haven't chattered for a while,

"Please don't ignore me - it's not your normal style

"Is impossible

"For you to like Stan more,"

He picks up the phone

And closes the door and says,

"How are you, Rafa, I've missed you so badly!

"I really don't like My Good Friend Stanley!

"He's so annoying - how didn't I know?

"We're a love story - you are my best bro!"

NOLE: One, your imagination is terrifying. Two, you know love means nothing in tennis, right?

RAFA: Rogelio and I are bros. Look, Novak, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.

NOLE: But I am #2 now.

RAFA: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but -

NOLE: But our matches are so much better! Remember Madrid, man? 2009? You and me... good times.

RAFA: And then Roger beat me in the final. He is the greatest of all time.

NOLE: Dude. You have an inferiority complex. For serious. I don't know what you see in him.



SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

ROGER is illuminated in glowing light. The wind machine is on. In slow motion, he pushes his hair out his eyes.

AX #1: The Hallelujah Chorus.



SCENE #5 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Well, you and I could never have matching haircuts. I couldn't pull off the Bert like you do, Nole.

RAFA pulls out his phone again. He is about to start texting when it rings.

RAFA: Hello?

SCENE #6 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I know what happened at the trophy ceremony.



SCENE #7 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA.

RAFA: Well, it was televised, no?



SCENE #8 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge will be very disappointed. Actually, he won't, because he likes me more than you.



SCENE #9 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: His. Name. Is. Rogelio.

In the background, NOLE rolls his eyes.



SCENE #10 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: You may have tried to back pedal, and say it was all stupid that Novak thinks you're the GOAT, but -

Suddenly, the door opens. ROGER has opened it.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?



SCENE #11 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. You are so whipped.

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Was that a yes-whatever or a no-whatever?

RAFA: ...I think I will take a siesta now.

NOLE: But we're nearly there! We'll be landing in Bogota soon!

A pause.

NOLE: Or should I say... BROgota?

RAFA: Nole. No.

His Name Is Rogelio

We're doing something a bit different here beyond the baseline today. Instead of writing about tennis, we're going to do a dramatic re-enactment instead. (If anyone is foolish enough to want to make this film, you know, call me.)

This is called 'His Name Is Rogelio' and it goes out to the Federbitches.




SCENE 1 [INT]: INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

RAFA sits on a bench, looking sad and lonely. He has a towel, which he is twisting between his hands. He is very sweaty - he has just come off court after playing a long, gruelling match.

Enter IVO. He doesn't look at RAFA. He is too busy tweeting about how he just lost. He exits. RAFA sighs. He is alone. Until...

Enter ROGER, who crosses to his locker.

ROGER: Hi, Rafa.

RAFA's face breaks into a huge smile.

RAFA: Hola, Rogelio! How are you? What is going on? What are you doing here? I just played a match! When do you play a match? Where have you been?

ROGER: How did your match go?

RAFA: I won. Just. Is impossible to win easy, no?

ROGER: That's great!

A silence. ROGER and RAFA look at each other, and then giggle like little schoolboys for approximately fifteen minutes. Eventually...

RAFA: What are you doing here? hee hee hee.

ROGER: Oh, you know how I'm playing doubles with My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's face darkens.

RAFA: Yes. Hey, remember how we played doubles at the Rally for Relief? We should do that in a tournament sometime!

ROGER: Maybe. I like playing with My Friend Stanley. Are you crying?

RAFA (sniffing): No.

ROGER: Well, I have a yellow shirt and he has a blue shirt. He wore a yellow shirt yesterday, so I think it's my turn to match him. I asked Nike to send me a blue shirt.

RAFA: I have a green shirt. You would look so nice in green.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa. You are a nice boy. How's your doubles going?

RAFA: It's fine. Hey Roger, want to play -

ROGER: Anyway, I just came to see if my new blue shirt - you know, so I can match My Friend Stanley - has arrived.

ROGER opens his locker. 45 blue shirts fall out.

ROGER: Wow! I guess Nike really like me.

RAFA: Nike really like me too! We are Nike bros!

ROGER: Yes, Rafa, we are totally Nike bros.

More giggling.

ROGER: Anyway, I should take my shirts and go. I'm off to dinner.

RAFA: Where are you going?

ROGER: Oh, I don't know. I'll let Mirka decide. It'll be nice. A real family dinner. Me, Mirka, the kids... and My Friend Stanley. Bye, Rafa!

Exit ROGER

RAFA sniffs. He is near tears.

RAFA: Is impossible for him to like My Friend Stanley as much as likes me, no?

Enter OTHER LOPEZ

OTHER LOPEZ: Hey Rafa, want to come to late late Spanish dinner when you've done your press and stuff?

RAFA: Not this time, Other Lopez.

OTHER LOPEZ: What do you mean, no? I'm your doubles partner! I'm your bro! I'm Bropez!

RAFA: I am tired after my match. Tired and sad.

OTHER LOPEZ: Why can't we be BFFs like Roger and My Friend Stanley?

RAFA: ROGER IS NOT BEST FRIENDS WITH MY FRIEND STANLEY HE IS BEST FRIENDS WITH MEEEEEEEEE!

OTHER LOPEZ: Whoa. Chill. Later, dudelio.

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

RAFA stares into the middle distance, trying not to cry. After a moment, enter NOLE

NOLE: Hey Rafa, want to play an awesomely badly timed and inconveniently located exho with me in Bogota the day after the final?

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Awesome!

Exit NOLE

RAFA: What? No! That was a NO-WHATEVER, not a YES-WHATEVER, Nole!

Exit RAFA after NOLE, running.




SCENE 2 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

Enter RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ. OTHER LOPEZ is dressed identically to RAFA, except for his shoes.

OTHER LOPEZ: Are you excited, Rafa? I'm excited! Remember how we won here last year?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to remember, no? I have won so many things.

OTHER LOPEZ: Well, it was awesome! We're awesome! We're the best team ever! Rafa and Bropez RULE, man!

RAFA: Whatever.

A pause.

RAFA: That was a yes-whatever. We, um, rule.

OTHER LOPEZ: VAMOS! Let's play tennis! Let's beat those Swiss cheeses!

AX #1: Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You

Enter ROGER, in slow motion. The wind machine starts up and blows his chocolate curls back. In slow motion. RAFA stares at him, lovestruck.

ROGER: Hi Rafa! Like my new blue shirt?

RAFA: You look... beautiful.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, why have you fallen to your knees? Is that why you injure them all the time?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah Rafa, why?

MY FRIEND STANLEY emerges from behind RAFA.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Don't Roger and I look great, Rafa? Don't we look like... best friends?

RAFA: I'm ranked #1 in the world.

ROGER: Dude.

RAFA: Sorry, Roger! I did not mean to offend you! For me you are the greatest player, you know -

ROGER: What, were you saying something before? I just meant, dude, get up, we have to start the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, me and Roger are going to kick your arse.

RAFA: I won't let you, My Friend Stanley. You can't intimidate me.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you.

RAFA: Prove it.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, who am I?

ROGER: You're My Friend Stanley! Come on, let's play!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: That's right. I'm his friend Stanley. And who are you...?

MY FRIEND STANLEY and ROGER walk to their side of the net. RAFA stares after them, a tear in his eye.

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, come on! We have to start the match!

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO.




SCENE #3 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

A tennis montage. ROGER hits some awesome shots, mostly in slow motion, chocolate curls flying artistically. RAFA hits a few monstrous forehands, a few right at MY FRIEND STANLEY. MY FRIEND STANLEY reciprocates with some backhand winners. OTHER LOPEZ tries to get RAFA to notice him.

End of the first set. RAFA is serving. It is deuce, deciding point. If RAFA wins this point, the set goes to a tiebreaker. If he loses, ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY will win the set.

RAFA throws the ball in the air for his first serve... and suddenly we are in his mind.




SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA's mind

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roger likes me more than you!

ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY sit next to a campfire, warming their hands. Gradually, slowly, ROGER moves his hands so he is warming them on MY FRIEND STANLEY.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley...

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yes, Roge?

ROGER: Can I call you... My Best Friend Stanley?

RAFA: Nooooooooooooo!




SCENE #5 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

MY FRIEND STANLEY grins evilly at RAFA, who grits his teeth.

RAFA: No. I will not let him defeat me.

OTHER LOPEZ: Come on, bro! You can do it!

RAFA: Who are you again?

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I'm BROPEZ!

RAFA: Oh.

RAFA throws the ball in the air to serve again, and... he looks into ROGER's eyes.




SCENE #6 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

RAFA: And what are you going to give me? for the present?

ROGER: I'll give you the first set.

RAFA and ROGER giggle like little schoolboys.

RAFA: We are bros, no? BEST bros?

ROGER: Totally. And bros give each other presents, don't they?




SCENE #7 [EXT] - CENTRE COURT, INDIAN WELLS

RAFA serves.

LINESMAN: Fault!

UMPIRE: Game, first set, Federer and Wawrinka, seven games to five!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Woo! Yeah! Hopp Suisse! We are the Swiss! The mighty mighty Swiss! See you soon! On the moon! We are the best, aren't we, Roger!

ROGER: We rock, My Friend Stanley!

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, what were you doing?

RAFA: For you, Rogelio. The first set, it was for you. My gift.




SCENE #8 [EXT] - INDIAN WELLS, CENTRE COURT

Another montage. ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY clearly have the upper hand. OTHER LOPEZ is alternately flabbergasted and trying to make RAFA remember he's there. RAFA is distracted by the slow motion wind machine glory going on near ROGER.

Eventually, MY FRIEND STANLEY is serving for the match. RAFA hits a huge forehand which MY FRIEND STANLEY cannot get to. RAFA does a double fistpump.

UMPIRE: Forty thirty.

MY FRIEND STANLEY serves to OTHER LOPEZ, who loses the point.

UMPIRE: Game, set, match, Federer and Wawrinka, two sets to love. Seven five, six three.

OTHER LOPEZ: Dude, I am SO SAD we lost. Rafa and Bropez are out of the tournament. What are we going to do?

RAFA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

OTHER LOPEZ: Which whatever was that?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey Roge, do you think I was on fire? Want to warm your hands on me?

ROGER: Not today, My Friend Stanley. I'm a bit tired.

MY FRIEND STANLEY is crestfallen. Slowly, a huge smile spreads over RAFA's face.

ROGER: Good match, Rafa.

RAFA: Thanks, Rogelio. Good luck for the final.

ROGER: Thanks.

ROGER and RAFA shake hands. They hold hands for a moment longer than is strictly appropriate. They stare into each others' eyes, sympatico on every level.




SCENE #9 [INT] - INDIAN WELLS LOCKER ROOM

ROGER, MY FRIEND STANLEY, RAFA and OTHER LOPEZ are all towelling down and doing that kind of thing after the match.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Hey, there's a note in my locker! It landed right on top of Homer Simpson's head!

OTHER LOPEZ: Rafa, you never leave notes in my locker.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: This is so sweet, Roge.

ROGER (doing his hair): Mmm? It's not from me. I was too busy reading The Elegant Universe to write notes.

OTHER LOPEZ: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY (unfolding the note): 'Dear My ENEMY Stanley, is impossible for Roger to like you more than me. Has he ever played exhibitions for charity with you? NO. Did you play doubles and ping pong tennis with him in Australia? NO. Do you have the GOAT bromance? Do you have a gigglefits video? Did you hug him and nearly make out with him when you beat him in Australia in 2009? NO. You may be His Friend Stanley, but I am HIS BROTHER, no?'

A silence. Everyone looks at RAFA.

RAFA: I didn't write that. Doesn't even sound like me, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course it was you! Who else could it be?

RAFA: All right, it was me - because I am the ONLY ONE he does those things with. ROGELIO LIKES ME THE BEST.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, NO, bitch. Has ROGE ever let you take a picture of him with Homer Simpson sitting on his cap brim? NO.

RAFA: Well, I don't play with dolls, LOSER. And anyway, Fedal sounds WAY cooler than Fedrinka. What is that? It sounds like something you use to fix your sink!

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Yeah, well, Fedal sounds like something you would eat for dinner! With rice!

OTHER LOPEZ: Why don't you ever fight over ME, Rafa?

Exit OTHER LOPEZ.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um, who is that guy again?

RAFA: Other Lopez. Bropez. Something. I can't remember.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Anyway, fighting again. How many gold medals have you won, bitch?

RAFA: Um, ONE.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: How many have you won WITH ROGE?

RAFA: His name is ROGELIO!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY grab each other and throw down on the floor of the locker room.

ROGER (giggling): Oh boys, don't fight over little old me!

Enter MIRKA.

MIRKA: FEDERBITCHES!

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting.

ROGER: Hello, Mirka.

ROGER kisses MIRKA's cheek.

MIRKA: What is going on here?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stop fighting and look sheepish.

MIRKA: On your feet, both of you.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stand up.

MIRKA: Were you two fighting over who Roger loves the most again?

ROGER: Guys, you know I love you both.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But I'm Your Friend Stanley! You love ME!

RAFA: But we have a fine bromance!

MIRKA: Ahem.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've had this conversation before. No more fighting over Roger. He worries that you'll get hurt and it musses up his hair.

RAFA: Nothing could muss up your hair, Roger. That's why I got my hair cut just like you.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Loser.

RAFA: Ewok.

MIRKA: Boys.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: Sorry, Mirka.

MIRKA: We've talked about this, remember? Roger is very good friends with both of you.

ROGER: Yeah, love you guys!

MIRKA: But when it comes to who he loves most, the answer is...

AX #2: Drumroll.

RAFA: Please choose me, Rogelio.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I love you so much, Roge.

MIRKA: ...me. Guys, haven't you figured that out yet?

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY both look crestfallen.

MIRKA: Come on, Roger. Charlene and Myla have woken up and I need another pair of hands to change nappies.

Exit MIRKA.

ROGER: Isn't she the best? See you guys.

Exit ROGER.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY stare after him mournfully.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Well, if Mirka's #1, then I'm #2.

RAFA: No, I'm #2, no?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I'm #2!

RAFA: I'd be a better #2!

Enter NOLE

NOLE: I thought I was the one fighting to be #2.

RAFA and MY FRIEND STANLEY: SHUT UP!

A Bizarre Image Which Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Sometimes cupcakes have teeth.

(How is that for a weird mental image?)

We had what has to be one of the best night session lineups in the history of ever in Indian Wells tonight - Rafa playing first, Roger playing second. It does not get any better than that, end of story. And their opponents? Cupcake #1 and Cupcake #2. But these cupcakes... they were the kind with teeth. They weren't quite haggis vindaloo, but they were the kind of cupcakes you'd choke and splutter on. These cupcakes played well above their rankings. And good on them both.

Rafa's cupcake was Somdev Devvarman, he who had a pretty sweet Davis Cup win over Janko Tipsarevic a little while ago and who is in pretty good form. Still, if you're opponent's Rafa, you're essentially a cupcake by default. But Somdev really, REALLY did not play like one. I don't know if there's any gooey, moist cupcake in the world anywhere in the world who can serve at 75%. Them's some good numbers, yo.

Devvarman was ranked #100 the last time I checked... which, to be fair, was round about the same time as the Commonwealth Games, so it's a while. I assume it's changed a bit. But no matter where he's ranked, I feel pretty confident in saying that he is going to move up soon. He's playing with real confidence right now - with teeth, in fact. He's sinking them into matches and, like a tiger shark, not letting go. Rafa got him in straights today, but they were tight ones. A little experience was all Somdev was needing - Rafa won both sets on a crucial break right at the end. If he plays a few more tournaments the way he played this one, Somdev won't give up those breaks any more.

Roger had the one cupcake left in his haggis vindaloo draw... though you wouldn't have been able to tell. Harrison plays differently from Devvarman - his style is less 'sink your teeth in' and more 'I HAVE NO FEAR'. Aside from a few opening nerves, he appeared almost wholly undaunted by the situation. Federer, who is capable of winning cupcake-y factors on daunt factor alone, was a little taken by surprise with this, I think. Harrison is only eighteen years old (I think... he's a teenager anyway), but he demonstrated both today and yesterday against Milos Raonic that he's capable of playing at a much higher level than his age. He has the emotional maturity, I think, that a lot of juniors are lacking. Or that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

These two cupcakes, even though they both lost in straights, both put up excellent performances. The same can not be said for Vile Troicki, who is supposed to be a good player and who got sent to the bakery by Djokovic. Djokovic is playing amazingly at the moment - ain't no one gonna deny that - but for serious, Viktor? That's just silly.

Also silly was the fact that I was right - Gasquet really is a bit of a contender in this tournament, capable of stringing wins together against anyone if he doesn't think too hard and no one's looking. Despite what I said yesterday, I fully expected him to lose today. I think Andy Roddick did too, so the result came as a bit of a rude shock...

Karlovic, Robredo and del Potro all came through in the cupcake half of Rafa, while Stan Wawrinka will join Gasquet and Djokovic in Roger's haggis vindaloo side. I was super pleased with Stan's results today. I'm not going to be surprised if he enters the top ten again this year. I will also not be surprised if Berdych leaves it. Will anyone?

Haggis Vindaloo

If the top half of the draw is cupcakes, then the bottom half is... what's something that's really difficult to eat? Something so full of chilli and spices that you can barely swallow without choking. Vindaloo. Or maybe haggis or tripe. We have eight dudes left in this section and there's only one who I don't think has a chance at the final.

That dude is Ryan Harrison, who prevailed over Milos Raonic. This is not to say that this was not a fantastic win for him, because, hello, it was. (Sidebar - I can't believe we're talking about beating Raonic as a major victory. Wasn't he nobody like five seconds ago?) But despite this, I don't think he's up to playing with the big boys quite yet. Soon, but not yet.

The biggest boys are, of course, Federer and Djokovic, who will play a tantalising semi final if it comes to it (and oh, oh, OH would it be sweet if Federer were to break that Djokovic streak! That would not be haggis AT ALL), but there are many obstacles in the way before then. With the exception of Harrison, every other dude in this half is a contender.

Let's have a look, shall we? (Sorry, no guest blogger today - dudes in this half do not have the cupcake-y luxury that Rafa is currently enjoying.) Aside from Federer and Djokovic, we have two other top ten players in Berdych and Roddick. I wouldn't be putting my money on other of these dudes, but they are more than capable of making it to the final if things go their way. I wouldn't say either of them is in their bestest form ever at the moment, but you make it to the final eight in this half, then you have a little something going on. You are probably not... a cupcake. You are meaty. You are weighty. You stick to the ribs. And you're not going down easy. You are like vindaloo. Vindaloo made with haggis.

Just outside the top ten we have Stan Wawrinka, and if you saw what he did to Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, you know just how much Stanley is capable of. Of course, he could just as easily be totally flat, but if Stan is on... well, he's made a Masters final before, that's all I'm saying.

And then you have Troicki. While I would rather eat eight family size portions of haggis vindaloo than see him make the final, it's not outside the realms of possibility.

And then, perhaps most interestingly, you have Gasquet. I thought about including him with Harrison, because I think it would be very unlikely for him to come through to the final here. Reeshie is not a dude who does well with haggis vindaloo - though, ironically, it might be better for him to be in this tough side than off eating cupcakes, because sometimes I think he's allergic to them. Playing a hot chilli dude lets Richou know that he has to come out and play well. If he's playing a cupcake, he can get all over confident, all 'oh yeah man, I love cupcakes!' and before you know it he's lost and you're cleaning up the puke.

So yes, I think Gasquet has a tiny chance of making the final. He's got Safin-esque levels of inconsistency, but as far as pure talent goes, he's in my top ten. And sometimes, that pure talent can get you places - like a fluke tournament run. And if Ivan Ljubicic can win this title, then anything can happen.

This is definitely the more intriguing half of the draw. There are no byes here. While the other side is possibly the most predictable since tennis began - Juan Martin del Potro is the only possible dud cupcake over there, the only one who could mess up Rafa's parade - this side is anyone's. Except Harrison's. He's not quite haggis vindaloo yet. Sometimes the draw gods work in very, very mysterious ways.

Flat Stanley

Okay, so I chose the headline because I thought it was funny. The book Flat Stanley made me cackle with mirth for many hours as a child. I actually don't think Stanislas 'Stanley' Wawrinka was that flat at all. I just can't resist wordplay.

Let me qualify. Stan wasn't playing his bestest tennis ever, that is for sure. But it wasn't necessarily his fault. He wasn't playing his bestest tennis ever because his ol' mate Rog wouldn't let him.

It's hard to play your friends. Stan talked a bit about how he had to imagine there was no face on the other side of the net. Roger clearly doesn't have the same problem - nor could he afford to, being on the top of the game and having a committed bromance with rival Rafa. But quite apart from that, it's hard to play your friends because they know all your tricks.

Roger knows Stan's tricks. He knows all about the backhand down the line, and the angled backhand crosscourt, and the backhand in general. He knows about Stan's serve and his forehand and his volleys. This goes both ways, of course, but Roger has a LOT more tricks. You just have to look at the game played at the end of the second set to know that.

In a way, because Stan knows all his tricks, Roger had to play exhibition style tennis to beat him. This is a Stan very different to Stans we've seen before - this is Lundgren!Stan, who is aggressive and not afraid to get in his opponent's face and who rips winners like whoa. It reminds me a little bit of the early days of Dinara Safina and Zeljko Krajan, actually. This is a Stan like we've never seen him before, using his gifts - his backhand in particular - and his mind to play smart tennis.

So Roger had to play smarter. He had to reach into his bag of tricks and pull out some magic. He had to pull a rabbit out of his hat. And he did. Several rabbits and a few of those really long scarves with all the different colours and oh, what's this? a straight sets win! And next to that, Stanley - even the new, improved Stanley, who did not play awful - looked a little flat.

Roger will play Djokovic next, who overcame Berdych in straight sets in the Battle of Sesame Street. (Bert vs Big Bird, in case that is unclear.) Djokovic played some scintillating stuff, though he should probably never take up a career as a poker player - he hammed up rather than played down his vision problem, and it is to Berdych's detriment that he didn't take more advantage of that. But Djokovic wouldn't let him play well, at the end of the day - he played really, really well.

And so the semi-final will be a festival of frazzles for the Federer fan!

In the ladies, Li Na is firming as my tournament favourite - she played awesomely against Petkovic and has proved she can get it done against Clijsters, who will probably be her finals opponent. And then there was Schiavone - oh, Frankie. She played so valiantly against Wozniacki - winning the first set in very stylish fashion - but fell in the end. After you play nearly five hours, this is understandable. But the heart, the courage and the willpower she displayed to stay in this match was astounding. She is the kind of player that young tennis players should aspire to be - the type of player who never, ever stops fighting.

Fighters. History. Tennis.

There were a lot of matches yesterday. Wozniacki won. Wawrinka won. Federer won. Petkovic won.

But it was really only about one match.

Francesca Schiavone and Svetlana Kuznetsvoa played an instant classic. It was somehow more instant than an instant classic - it was a classic while it was still being played. Three long sets - well, two normal sets and an epic. The longest women's Grand Slam match ever, clocking in at four hours and forty-four minutes. A testament to these two wonderful players and to two fighting spirits.

There is a lot to be said for people who simply refuse to lose.

Schiavone, in the end, came away the victor... but even though Kuznetsova lost, this match was a wonderful one for her. It's like Isner/Mahut - any victory in a match this long is Pyrrhic. The W next to one's name becomes inconsequential, even though it's the prize being fought over. A match like this transcends a tournament. A match like this is a match for history.

Not that that would be particularly easy for either player to come to terms with right at this second. Frankie must be elated (and exhausted). Sveta must be crushed (and also exhausted). But later on, when they look back at this tournament, the wins before this one will not be what is remembered. It will be this match - a match that was more than a victory, much more than a loss. A match that was a celebration of tennis.

Unless Frankie goes on and wins the tournament. That memory might be a little sweeter.

Much as I would like Frankie to go on and win the tournament, I think that this match will do to her exactly what it did to Isner, and she will go into her next match super-tired. I know five-odd hours is not quite eleven hours, but it's hours enough. However, if she does pull out the win over Wozniacki, I will CHEER MY FREAKING LUNGS OUT. Because someone who played in a match like that deserves to win a(nother) Slam.

And the same goes for you, Sveta. You're not going to win Australian Open 2011, but there are three other Slams this year. May one of them be yours.

Brief sidebar - Wawrinka played TERRIFYINGLY well against Roddick. When did he suddenly get so awesome? As a Federer fan, I am officially scared. Glad that his friend Stanley has come through, but SCARED.

Life On Show Court 2

Today was my last day at the Australian Open - sadface. I finished it off with wonderful drinks with Dootsiez and PJ from All I Need Is A Picket Fence, which was the perfect way to end what has been a wonderful tournament for me. I have had the time of my life, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be back for 2012 - for even longer, if I can possibly afford it!

I spent a great part of my day on Show Court 2 today - first for Almagro vs Ljubicic and then for Azarenka vs Scheepers. Herein is my report.

Almagro was playing as well as I have ever seen him on a hard court. We all know that he is the Prince of Clay, but he was absolutely on fire today against Ljubicic. If you'd asked me to place a bet before the match, I would have said Ljubicic in straights. Instead, it turned out being the other way round.

I never realised Almgaro had such massive shots - he can hit the ball HARD. I think the only person I've seen hit the ball that (noticeably) hard is Soderling. And maybe Nadal. Seriously, his strokes were MASSIVE today. He has a real flair for the passing shot and the angled forehand. And he played a totally fierce second set tiebreak. That tiebreak was the real key point in the match, and it was Almagro who held tough. I was very impressed. I totally understand how he gave Tsonga such a good run for his money last year! Actually, Almagro has a pretty decent record in Australia, and I totally get why.

Ljubicic, on the other hand, was doing something weird with his shots. I don't know if I was influenced by his grunt, which made him sound extremely like he was in pain, but he seemed to be collapsing inwards on a lot of his shots - sort of curling up, which seemed to be really hampering his movement. I don't know if I've missed, like, his entire career, and he's always played like this, but I felt very much like he was playing through big pain. I was kind of glad Almagro put him out of his misery, to tell the truth.

And then it was time for the ladies. This was the first full ladies' match I have watched outside of Rod Laver Arena, and it was suitably compelling, even if the scoreline did not suggest it.

I have not been a big fan of Azarenka in the past. I don't know if I have changed my opinion, but I was pretty impressed with her today. Scheepers possesses some big shots - like, BIG. She can hit winners like nobody's business and she has a lot of power. But Vika didn't panic and deflected all that power straight back at her. It was great tennis from Vika, combined with a bit of inexperience from her opponent, which won her this match. And in a women's draw more wide open than ever, why shouldn't it be time for Vika to make a charge?

And then it was time for Federer. I didn't have Rod Laver Arena tickets, but I watched on the big screen in Grand Slam Oval. And had twenty minor heart attacks, even though Federer was in front virtually the whole time.

Federer played this whole match like he'd left the oven on - distracted and wanting to get off as soon as possible. He managed the latter, but it was a strange, nervy match. He oscillated between extreme brilliance and Federror, his evil shadow-self. And then there was his strange obsession with the drop shot...

But he'll be right. He's Federer. And that is the truth of the matter.

I'm watched the Rod Laver Arena night session as I write this. Stan Wawrinka has just put paid to an awful Gael Monfils. Seriously, could Monfils have played any worse in this match? He possibly has the worst mentality in tennis. I came to this conclusion after watching him tank the third set against Gil the other night, and it was only reinforced tonight.

We've watched Federer and Nadal. We know that tennis champions have minds of steel. Monfils demonstrated tonight that he does not have one. He fell apart, totally and completely. He might have the talent, he might even have the game, but unless he works on what he has upstairs, he's not going anywhere.

In short, it is time for Gael Monfils and Roger Rasheed to BREAK UP. Rasheed is infecting him with douchiness.

Stan, on the other hand, played wonderfully. He may be a little douchey in his personal life - I cast no stones, I said 'may' - but his backhand is a freaking work of art. That thing is gorgeous.

And then the second Rod Laver Arena match... poor Venus. That poor girl. Poor scheduling decision, considering her injured-ness, but oh my goodness. That girl was HURTING. Get well soon, Lady V!

Clean Slate

There is something magical about walking through the gates on the first day of the Slam. It is a clean slate. There is tennis to be played, stories to be told, portraits to be painted, hearts to broken, tears and laughter and incredible sadness and joy ahead, but on that first day, everything is clean and new. Anything is possible. And you are there to witness it.

I made a decision this year that unlike previous years, where I have flitted from court to court to court (usually in an effort to make sure I don't miss any Federer practice sessions, because I am a fangirl like that), I was going to try and watch some real proper tennis on the outside courts (ie. more than one change of ends). I also wanted to make sure I watched at least one player a day I had never seen before, preferably one I'd barely/never heard of. So, without further ado, here is my story of Australian Open - Day One.

I'd decided to begin my day on Court 6 with what looked like a tasty match up between Julien Benneteau and Juan Monaco, but then when the players walked on court... hey, THAT's not Benneteau, quoth I to myself. No, it was Simon Greul, whom I presume is a lucky loser. I have no idea what's happened to Benneteau, but he wasn't on that court when he was supposed to be. I hope it's nothing bad... particularly as he is doubles partners with Mahut and I want them to be awesome! (More on Mahut later.)

So I upped and left after two changes of ends (see, I watched some of it! I gave it a chance!) and wandered round to the back courts. For some reason, it is so difficult to get there now that you practically have to answer three riddles of increasing difficulty then fight a troll, but when I did manage to fight my way to Court 16 through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I was treated with Federer practice goodness. I feel like it was the tennis gods rewarding me for being good. La la la.

Then I went to Court 19 (the original aim of my trek to the back courts) and caught a set and a half of Carlos Berlocq against Robin Haase, which was a very interesting match indeed. I've been watching Haase for a while - actually, no, that's a lie. I picked up on a him a number of years ago when he took Hewitt to five at Wimbledon, thought he was cool, then forgot about him (apart from a few 'hey, where's Haase these days? I thought he was going to be good and stuff!). But I've found him now, and I'm glad I have.

I feel like Haase is sort of the thinking tennis fan's Ernests Gulbis. He has big power off both wings, is practically exploding with talent but suffers a little from inconsistency and... well, he has hair that could rival Ernie's. But I feel like he has a better mindset on court - he got down in sets to Berlocq a couple of times and fought his way back every time. One thing I did think was unusual was the frequency with which he played the squash shot - he played it a LOT - but it seemed to be working for him, so no complaints.

After some serious time spent with Haase, I wandered back over the other side with the intention of catching some of Nishikori's match. However, Court 8 was UBER-packed, so I opted for a match that was just beginning instead - Tobias Kamke and Philipp Kohlschreiber. And boy, was this a surprise.

I only caught the first set, in which Kamke TOTALLY dominated Kohli. I mean, SCARY dominance here. I'd never seen Kamke play before (tick!) nor did I know anything about him other than that he won newcomer of the year last year, so this was a real treat. Looking at the scores now, I see that Kohli came back from two sets to love down to win (after a third set breaker), and as all I have to go off is that first set, I was very surprised. Kamke was painting the lines left, right and centre. He was eating Kohli alive out there. But I guess he came back down to earth after I left or something.

Sorry, Tobias, but Federer called. I didn't have a day ticket into Rod Laver Arena, so I caught the first set of his match on the big screen in Garden Square. To say that Federer had things under control is an understatement. (He'll face a bigger test in round two with Gilles Simon - FRAZZLE!) He was powering ahead, so I wasn't nervous at all when I left after the first set to go and spend some quality time with my new best friend, Nicolas Mahut.

Watching this match was my favourite thing of the whole day. I didn't expect Nico to win going into this match. I didn't expect him to lose either. I was very careful to have no expectations. And one of the expectations that I did not have was that Mahut would win the match in FREAKING STRAIGHT SETS!

Seriously, I was cheering my lungs out out there. (Anyone who was there - I was the one yelling 'Allez!' A LOT.) Watching Nico serve, you can understand why he managed to hold serve 68 times in a row - he has one hell of a serve on him. When Dabul started getting a read on it and cracking some returns, he just kept changing it up. He is RIDICULOUSLY talented. I totally understand how he won junior Wimbledon. And it is SO NICE to watch serve and volley tennis. Especially done so well.

But my favourite thing about Mahut was how, even when he was down (like in the third set), he didn't break down about it. He just gritted his teeth, came back, and GOT IT DONE. He did this in qualies as well, but I somehow wasn't expecting to see it in front of me. (Another side effect of 'no expectations'.)

Dabul was ranked higher than Mahut - not much higher, but enough to qualify for direct entry - and he was overwhelmingly outplayed. Considering Mahut didn't play the Australian Open last year, a second round result will definitely boost him up a bit - here's hoping he doesn't need to rely on my 0-from-1 #wildcardformahut campaign at Roland Garros and Wimbledon!

After Mahut kindly took a photo with me (!) it was off to catch a bit of Stan Wawrinka, who had a bit of an up and down match with Gabashvili. To clarify - it was Gabashvili who was up and down, Stan was pretty solid throughout. This is the best I've seen Stan play in a while - he was cranking it against an opponent who was alternately on fire and in the gutter - so clearly that whole 'leaving his wife' thing worked for him. To each their own.

I tried to get in to see Gilles Simon and Rendy Lu after this, but it was packed out, so I went and watched a little bit of Benoit Paire, the French wildcard, against Flavio Cipolla. I have previously bitched about how Mahut should have got the wildcard and who is this Paire kid anyway, and that is ALL STILL TRUE (Mahut should have got a wildcard, even if he didn't end up needing one), but I was seriously impressed with Paire. That kid has got some strokes on him and no mistake. But he needs to stop playing with his necklace in his mouth. That seems silly.

And then it was time for my night on Rod Laver Arena.

I was spectacularly disappointed with the scheduling, but Groth and Wickmayer almost made a decent match of it - or would have, if Groth wasn't doing exactly what Gabashvili had done earlier and alternating between extreme awesome and extreme awful. She started off very poorly, sacrificing the first set to Wickmayer with barely a whimper and then getting down a break in the second, but then flipped the switch and reeled off six straight games to win the set. But then it all came crashing down in the third set...

Jarmila Groth is a player of the type I like. She's aggressive, she goes for her shots, it's great when it works, sometimes it's awful. But she needs to find some chill - or at least direct her frustration in a more productive direction. Gesturing up to your player's box ultimately achieves nothing. If she could harness that energy, well... watch out world.

And then Djokovic came on and totally owned Granollers. It was... not that interesting. Nole is looking very good, though. I will say this.

In a nutshell, here is what I thought of Day One of the Australian Open:

Win of the Day: I'm sentimental. Mahut. It was awesome. I loved it.
Loss of the Day: Davydenko, who lost to Florian Mayer. I didn't see it, but seriously, Kolya? I know Mayer's in form, but remember how you were the one everyone feared last year...? Also Sam Querrey. Baaaaaaaaaad.
Players in dangerous form: Federer. Djokovic. The usual suspects. Wawrinka also looking great guns.
Players to watch in the future: Haase. Kamke. Paire.
Things for Jodi to do tomorrow: Maybe catch a WTA match or two - looking back over this, it was a total sausagefest!

Soderling Makes A Different Sound

Given as the draw for Australian Open qualies is released on Tuesday, I'm betting the final discretionary wildcards for announced on Monday (conveniently when I am at the Medibank International and electronically incommunicado - annoying). Let us keep hoping for a wildcard for Nicolas Mahut (and tweeting vociferously to that effect)!

Now, over to some finals. We had two yesterday, in Chennai and Brisbane, and they were both very good results for those involved.

Newly-family-leaving Stan Wawrinka (if he wanted to make his image different to Federer's, I'd say he's succeeded now) won in Chennai, which is a great result for him, even if Chennai is a bit of a Mickey Mouse tournament. He beat super-talented but super-sketchy Xavier Malisse in three sets. And... I didn't see the match, so that is all I have to say about that.

I did, however, see the Brisbane final, and Robin Soderling is looking DANGEROUS. Capslock merited. He fully merits gaining the #4 ranking. He has been untroubled on serve all week, and he totally dominated Andy Roddick with his flat forehand - and he ripped a few awesome backhand winners too. And it's hard to conceive of just how HARD he hits the ball - I swear it makes a different noise to when other players hit it. I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to burst one one day.

Roddick did not play badly - it certainly wasn't his bestest performance ever, but he didn't suck or anything - but Soderling left him dead in the water. If he continues to play like this in Australia, there are going to be precious few people who are able to stop him. I would actually love to see Murray drawn in his quarter - we could have a battle for the REAL #4. Now that would be something. (Basically, I hope he doesn't draw a be-wildcarded Mahut first round. That would make me sad.) Suffice to say, Soderling is going to do better in Australia than last year... where he lost in the first round.

And speaking of Kim Clijsters, she is also looking VERY dangerous. But after her showing against Petrova last year, I'm not putting any money down.

Basel O'Clock

You know who hasn't been around for a while? Robin Haase, that Dutch dude. I think of this, of course, because he suddenly is around again, beating Stephane Bohli in Basel, and he's popped his head up a couple of times this year, but mostly... not so much with the being around.

He was one of those young guns a few years ago who was supposed to be heading big places - I remember him taking Lleyton Hewitt to five in the first round of Wimbledon in an awesome match. He reminds me a bit of Gulbis, but I think he just looks like him more than actually being like him.

Anyway. That's all I have to say about that. I hope we see a bit more of Haase playing. I remember really liking his game.

And we cannot talk about Basel without talking about the Basel guy himself, one R Federer. He spent less than an hour on court dismissing Oleksandr Dolgopolov Jr and he was smoking. And then Dolgopolov retired one game away from the finish line, which I thought was pretty poor form - how hard is it to play one extra game and give your opponent the win proper? - but it was still all sunshine for Roger. Keep it coming.

...oh, and why is Stan Wawrinka playing in Valencia and not Basel? Are he and some Swiss tennis figure or organisation or something having a fight?

Davis Cup Dampener

I am a great fan of the tennis nation of Kazakhstan. It might seem cold and corporate to some, but I like the fact that they care enough about their tennis prowess to go and buy players like Golubev and Korolev and Shvedova to play for them. I appreciate that they care that much about tennis.

But I do, I confess, get a little bit upset when they go and take a 2-0 leave in a relegation tie over my beloved Switzerland.

The Big Swissie isn't there, of course - understandably, due to the whole semis in New York thing (see yesterday's rant) - but Stan Wawrinka and Marco Chiudinelli are. I expected Golubev to beat Chiudinelli - we all know that Golubev is a) awesome and b) one of my special favourites, making him even more awesome - but Stan? losing in five sets to Mikhail Kukushkin?

Excuse me while my eyes fall out of my head in surprise.

Stan, following you can be incredibly frustrating. Quite aside from your being second banana to my beloved R-Fed, I like watching you play - your backhand is artistry. If you and Gasquet ever played a backhand exhibition match, I would so be in that. I was super happy when you made the quarters of the US Open - that is genuinely a fantastic result.

But it kind of puts a dampener on it when you go and pull a stunt like this.

Despite the fact that Davis Cup is really, really hard to care about, I'm really genuinely annoyed with this result. And I'm a bit annoyed with R-Fed for not playing. Switzerland should be kicking Kazakhstan's arse in this tie and it's just not happening. The whole missing Roger and brainfarting Stan thing is leading to a real misrepresentation of the tennis prowess of Switzerland, and that is frustrating. (Now, if they changed the scheduling and the format...)

But that, I suppose, is the nature of tennis.

Intrigue and Errors

We have a really intriguing women's semi final lined up - Venus vs Kimmie. A year after Kimmie lined up against Venus's sister Serena in that fateful match, we are getting the closest thing to a repeat possible. Intriguing.

Now, I think Kimmie is going to take this and take it relatively easily. But if she plays as error-strewntastically as she did today and Venus plays tight, then it could be very interesting indeed.

Let's talk about the two quarter finals for a sec. Frankie Schiavone was right when she said she lost her match more than Venus won it. Normally, I'd be all 'come on guys, this is unfair', but Frankie imploded spectacularly in this match. She is capable of so much more and this was very disappointing. Nonetheless, it's got Venus through to her first semi in about a hundred years in New York, and given the dearth of men on the dudes' side in this draw, the US should be glad.

And then there was Sammy. Oh, Sammy.

Clijsters played some error-strewn stuff today, and Sammy had her chances. She could have won the match today if she had just taken them. But her inability to hold serve... well...

But no one expected her to hang this tight to Kim. And no one really expected her to make quarters here. She played to her seed, and that is something. Well done, Sammy.

And the men. Oh the men.

Rafa got through relatively painlessly, and Youzhny with only a scrape or so, but Stan Wawrinka and Fernando Verdasco must both be totally exhausted after their respective epics. I don't want to say that we'll have Youzhny and Rafa in the semis for sure... but I kind of do, because I just don't know how these guys are going to bear up.

But awesome performances from both - Stan for toughing out that fifth set against a non-partisan crowd and FeVer for roaring back from two sets to love down. This is the best performance from both this year, and both have a lot to be pleased about. And if one of them is a surprise semi finalist... I won't complain!

Leaving Normal

Of course when I talked about the relatively low upsettage in this tournament, there was going to be a wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am epic upset. Andy Murray, you are GONE.

This is a loss that Murray shouldn't have taken. Not after winning Toronto and the US Open series, and not after playing well in his first couple of matches. We knew the Stan Wawrinka match up was probably not the best match ever for him - we all remember that epic five setter under the lights at Wimbledon - but Stan hasn't been playing that great, and Andy should be better than that.

That is the problem with Andy. Right when he should be, he never seems to be better than that.

I would not be surprised if this match has as much of a psychological impact on him as that crushing by Federer in Australia. At least in Australia he made the final and managed one set of relatively good tennis, even though he lost it. Here, he just couldn't make it happen. Sure, Stan was zoning, but he wasn't redlining, wasn't zoning so hard that there was nothing Murray could do about it.

But nonetheless, Murray just could not do anything about it. And now you might as well send Rafa straight to the final.

Over on the ladies' side of the draw - I don't know if we'll see a better women's match this tournament than Stosur/Dementieva, because that one was an absolute cracker. I was listening to it at work and I was on the edge of my seat. I thought Sam fighting off one match point against Serena at Roland Garros was pretty good - here, she fought off four and played a superb tiebreak to beat Dementieva.

I don't think Sam stands a realistic chance against Clijsters right now. But she's played to her seed and achieved her best result at the US Open by a long way. Sam Stosur has a lot to be proud of - on a surface that is not her best, she has fought her way into the quarter finals. It's not getting anywhere near the coverage that, say, Jelena Dokic's run to the quarters in Australia did last year. And you know why? because this is becoming normal for Sam. And that is the best news of all.

Taking His Chances (And Yours Too)

Everything has been written about Rafael Nadal's game that could ever possibly be written. I don't mean that to break Rafa down to the sum of his parts or anything, but just as a comment on the sheer amount said and written about Rafa. We've talked about the forehand. We've talked about the movement. We've talked about the mental toughness. We've talked about all the things.

But one thing which is talked about, but probably not enough, is Rafa's ability to hang tough on all the big points. I cannot name one moment when I have seen that boy crack. And that, right there, is why he is one of the greats.

Take today's match against Stan Wawrinka, for example. That tiebreak could have gone either way. When a tiebreak gets to 12-all, that's a fact you just can't deny. That set could so easily have been Stan's.

But it wasn't. It was Rafa's. And this is not a one off. The close sets, the tight ones, the ones where anyone could win... Rafa wins those matches a whole lot more often than not. I don't know his record in tiebreaks, but I presume it's amazing. Just like all players, Rafa plays a lot of close matches. But he nearly always wins them.

So sorry Stan. Woulda shoulda coulda. You had chances. And in most tennis matches, the other guy is always going to have chances. But what separates Rafa out from most everyone else is that he takes just about every chance he can - and makes sure the other guy doesn't take theirs. And that - that latter point - is one which is not talked about enough. Because Rafa is, far and away, the best at that in the world.

Dirty Ernie

So I'm about a day late on this one, but how about that win Ernests Gulbis had over Marco Chiudinelli? That was a pretty sweet win, if I do say so myself.

I'm always a little wary of foretelling a player's entire clay season by their performance in the first week - I mean, they need time to adjust and whatnot - but sometimes it's just really hard to resist the temptation. I certainly don't think Ernie is going to go on and win the title or anything like that - I really doubt he'll get through Stan Wawrinka in the next round - but a good solid win like this is nothing but good.

We must remember that Gulbis really sprang onto the stage when he made the quarters at Roland Garros in 2008. The boy can seriously play on the dirt. I wouldn't call him a dirtballer - I think hard courts are probably best suited to his game - but he can bring it on the red stuff. I'd give him a solid shot at any smaller tournaments he plays and, providing he gets a good draw, a pretty decent run at some of the bigger ones.

The real test for Ernie will be whether he can upset big names on clay. And well... Stan Wawrinka is a good place to start...

Viva Voce Victor

Man, I bet Victor Hanescu really appreciated his draw in Monte Carlo. About a day after he got beaten down in the final of Casablanca, he finds himself jetlagged in Monte Carlo... having to face the same dude that beat him down.

I mean, there's an argument, I suppose, that it gave him an immediate chance to wreak revenge. Unfortunately, it didn't work out quite that way and he got beaten down just the same. Stan did not budge an inch, and Hanescu was just as incapable of finding a way around him as he was in Casablanca.

This is largely due to the fact that Stan is awesome, especially on the dirt - just as we have discussed in the last couple of days. However, I can't feel that Hanescu, while he is a very good player, really needs to add something to his game if he's going to progress any further.

I had the opportunity to watch Hanescu play quite a few times on my Epic Tennis Adventure in January. He was injured a bit, so it's probably unfair to base a lot on what I saw, but he played a bit like a poor man's Isner, and when the real Isner was playing (as in Hopman Cup, where I saw Hanescu first) that doesn't do too much. And then I saw him play - and get absolutely demolished - by Federer in the second round in Australia.

I'm inclined to think that Hanescu needs to grow mentally before he can improve his game. Every time I saw him play, there seemed to be a point where he almost threw in the towel - even when that point was a third set breaker, as against Hewitt in the Hopman Cup. Now, I haven't exactly made a study of him over the years, but it's something to keep on. What goes on in the mind of Victor Hanescu?

Stan Gets Dirty

How on earth is this only Stan Wawrinka's second career title? That totally blows my mind. Stan is such an awesome player that this just seems so... weird to me.

And it's been a good few years since his first title - that was Umag 2006, if I remember correctly, where he defeated one Novak Djokovic. Since then he's lost five finals, in a case of what I like to call 'Stosuritis' - but here he is, on debut in Casablanca, winning.

Winning, I would like to point out, in the first real clay tournament of the year - the first one that matters, anyway, on account of how we are actually building up to something (i.e. Roland Garros). Not that I think Stan is going to go on and win the French Open or anything... but I think we could be looking at a good run from Stan this dirtball season. Unlike Chela's win, I think this win actually means something.

This said, Victor Hanescu is not the biggest baddest opponent in the world - still, he was the third seed here and a very creditable dirtballer. Stan's going to have to face much bigger and meaner claycourters in the rest of the season... but you know what? when Stan plays well, it takes someone who is really, really awesome to stop him. Look at his run at Wimbledon last year, where he just got edged out by Andy Murray.

I have a hunch. I have an inkling. And my inkling says that this year's claycourt season is going to be a very good one for Stan Wawrinka.

Dirtying Up Stan

Let's talk Stan the Man. We all know Stan. We all like Stan. He's that other Swiss dude that plays tennis and has a baby, remember? He won that gold medal with his mate Rog that one time and they had that weird campfire ritual? You with me?

So, once upon a time Stan was in the top ten, but he hasn't been there for a little while now. This really isn't due to too much fault of his own - we're in a totally strong age. This said, Stan has not been playing totally great for a while. He's good, he's solid, but not great. He takes some weird losses. He takes some losses he really shouldn't. Sometimes Stan is not the Man. (Even though his backhand is a thing of pure joy. Can we please have a Gasquet/Wawrinka exo one day where they're only allowed to play with their backhands?)

What people often forget about Stan the Man is that he won junior Roland Garros in 2003. And also, his first title was in Umag, which is, I believe, on clay. The dude is, in essence, a dirtballer. I mean, look at the big result that catapulted him into the top ten - it was making the final in Rome a couple of years back, which is one of the biggest claycourt events there is. (I believe he beat one R Federer en route to that title, and that is no mean feat). Most of Stan's best results have come on dirt.

And this is how I explain the weird score of Stan's match today - he may be playing a little erratically, but he's a dirtballer in his soul. That's where 6-4 0-6 6-4 comes from. There's some good solid play in there, with a little WTFery in the middle.

I like Stan's game a lot - especially his backhand - and I think that if he has a real swell claycourt season, he can climb back into that top ten. So here is the question I ask today - what does Stan need to do to eliminate the WTFery and be Stan the Man all the time?

Stepping Up In Davis Cup

Davis Cup is over for another badly-scheduled round, and while I don't think we've had any huge upsets per se, there have certainly been some interesting results.

Exhibit A: Spain vs Switzerland. I think we knew that Spain was going to win this one and win it easy... and some of us were secretly hoping Spain would win so that Switzerland that there could be a home tie in Australia in the playoffs. Which is very possible now. Woot.

Back on track. What I actually wanted to talk about here was the great effort that David Ferrer that put in. If you read the write up on the Davis Cup website it seems to blame Switzerland's showing all on Wawrinka playing poorly, which I think is a bit unfair. I mean, sure, he didn't play great, but I think David Ferrer played really, really well, especially in that decisive reverse singles rubber. He hasn't the bestest Davis Cup history in the past, as I have discussed before, so I like to see him bring it for his nation.

Ferru had that great year a couple of years back where he was up at about #4 in the rankings and then fell right back down again. I haven't seen him play this well for a long time - he's reached two finals of late, winning one, and now he's brought it at DC. He seems delightfully upwardly mobile!

The other really interesting result - and the only one that might even vaguely be called an upset - is the Serbia/USA tie. With Djokovic playing for Serbia and without Roddick, I think this one was always on the Serbian racquet. And I don't want to imply that US boys didn't bring it, because I think we can say they brought it. Especially John Isner. He very, very nearly knocked Djokovic off his perch. But this one had Serbia written all over it, and it really was Viktor Troicki that stepped up. I've been sort of following him since I saw him play Rafa in the first round of Australia a few years back, and he's really grown up excellent.

I felt really sorry for the US boys - they did a great job - but there was just not too much they could do about drawing the Serbians. (Hey, maybe if the Davis Cup were scheduled better, then someone like, say, Roddick, might be able to play! Mull on that, Davis Cup. Mull on that).