Cupcakes For Breakfast

So I think we're all agreed. The top half of the Indian Wells draw is cancelled. We're just sending Rafa Nadal straight to the final, yesno?

Seriously, I'm not one of the people who sees conspiracy theories in draws, but if Rafa's draw was any cupcakier I would be eating it right now. It is freaking ridiculous. I've seen some fluke-y draws in my time, but this one is practically a work of art in its cupcakiness. And it's not like it necessarily started out that way, either - it's evolved into this high form of cupcake art. Give a monkey a pen and eventually it'll write Hamlet; give tennis players racquets and one day you'll be left with Rafa and some cakes.

Let's review. In fact, I've got a very special guest here on Tennis From Beyond The Baseline to review for you. Say hola to Rafa, guys!

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Hello. Hola. I'm Rafa Nadal, and I'm ranked #1 in the world. I had a bit of a sad loss at the Australian Open, but I'm still ranked #1 and I'm all better from my injury, and I'm coming off a pretty excellent Davis Cup weekend. I'm pretty awesome. On my day, I can beat just about anyone. Actually, that is actually everyone, because I'm more than pretty awesome.

I get a bye in my first round, because, hello, awesome. And then in my second round, I get Rik de Voest. He's a qualifier. I know it can toughen people up, that qualifying draw, and I like my cupcakes all gooey and moist, so I decide to give him - oh, he retired. Oops. Who knew.

Meanwhile, while this is going on, the other seeds in my section are playing. Sorry, did I say playing? I meant losing. Out goes Monaco, out goes Baghdatis, out goes Tsonga, and the dude who beat me at the Australian Open, David Ferrer? Yeah, he's gone too. But it's all right. This cupcake still has some seeds in it. It's freaking multigrain. Simon! Almagro! Montanes! These dudes all have some mad skills, no?

Sorry, did you just ask what I'm ranked? #1, dude. And how many Slams do I have? That would be nine. How many other Slam winners are there in the entire top half of the draw? Well, Juan Martin del Potro won one, but he's over in the other side of the half. Murray's half. And Murray's been to three finals of Slams before - oh, Murray lost? To Donald Young?

You know I am a polite guy. I'm Rafa. But excuse me while I shriek WHAT THE F^&*?!

But you know, I am modest, and is basically impossible for me to win, no? These guys, they all play very good. Anyone is a danger. I'm playing Ryan Sweeting this round, and he got a whole FOUR GAMES off me at the Australian Open. In three sets. That is FOUR GAMES TOO MANY.

I am so disappointed. He got four games off me again, and this time in only TWO sets. My game must be slipping. Is basically impossible for me to win this cupcake-y half now, no? There are still some seeds left, remember - remember Montanes and Almagro and Simon?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY MONTANES IS LEFT WHAT IS THIS TOURNAMENT WHO IS BAKING THIS CUPCAKE FOR ME?!

But in the other side of this top half, it's still all going on. Murray might be gone, but Soderling is #4 now, and he's still there - oh. Hang on. So if I want to make the final, the highest seed I have to beat is... Verdasco?

Except no. Because he lost too. The highest ranked dude I could face now before the final is... drumroll... Sam Querrey. And is impossible for me to win that match, no? He's won three of eight matches this year and I'm only ranked #1. What more do you expect me to do?

Sorry guys, I have to say hasta manana now. I can smell cupcakes baking in the oven. And I have to play another qualifier soon.

...

...hi guys, Jodi's back now. And she would like to say WHAT THE EVERLOVING F^&* HAPPENED TO THE TOP HALF OF THE DRAW IN INDIAN WELLS?! The only dude that is even half a threat to Rafa now is Juan Martin del Potro and while he's pretty awesome, I don't think he's quite up to Rafa beating right now. We might as well pack up the top half now and send Rafa straight to the final.

And if I'm Rafa, I don't know how much I like this state of affairs. Because if I've been stuffing my face with cupcakes and then I get to the final and I get a big slice of Federer-or-Djokovic pie... I don't think that's going to sit too well, if you know what I mean. Cupcakes are many things - delicious, for example - but good preparation for a final? Not so much.

Haikus for a Dull Week

Romania

Starace is out
Montanes is the top seed
How did that happen?


Metz

Since Australia
Cilic hasn't been red hot
Just kind of tepid


Seoul

Safina is out
Sadly, so is Date Krumm
Seoul is dead to me


Tashkent

Alla beat Masha
At Wimbledon that one time
...that is all I've got.

Spanish Weekend

I am never quite sure what to make of Nicolas Almagro. Sometimes I think he is the Prince of Clay and that he can do just about anything. A lot of the other times I forget about him completely.

He's been pretty much in the forgotten camp of late, especially in the grass season. The ascendancy of Rafa (and, to some extent, of Feliciano Lopez) has assuaged the tendency for people to think that Spaniards can't play on grass, but Almagro is still one of the forgotten ones. And he really hasn't done anything spectacular all year (though he did play part of an awesome five setter in Australia against Jo Tsonga, if I remember rightly.)

But that said, though I do forget about him, I do like watching him play. He is very entertaining and even though I am quite fond of Robin Soderling, I was glad to see Almagro take the title in Stuttgart this weekend. I don't think Almagro is ever going to be one of the greats, but he has the potential to be one of the pretty-damn-goods, so here's hoping he can keep his form hot into the summer.

Speaking of Spaniards, what's got into Albert Montanes this year? He just won a title and has been having an awesome, Federer-beating year. Who woulda thunk?

All Guns... Whimpering?

One of my favourite matches in Wimbledon this year was the third round clash between Rafa Nadal and Philipp Petzschner. (Brief tangent - Petzschner has since also become one of my favourite tweeters, if anyone is interested.) That match was a real clash. Rafa wasn't totally there - it wasn't quite Shmafa playing that match, but it wasn't RafaRafa either - and Petzschner played some of the most wonderful all guns blazing tennis I have seen in a while to grab two sets from the raging bull.

And now here we are, a couple of weeks later. Little tournament in Stuttgart. And Petzschner's going out first round.

C'mon, Petzschny! What are you trying to do to me here?

To be fair, he was playing Albert Montanes, who is seeded and thus ranked higher than him. But Montanes's real pedigree is, let's face it, on clay, and this tournament is in Petzschner's home country! And he was coming off such a good match in Wimbledon too, even if he lost... sigh.

Petzschner is the second player (apart from the usual crowd) who has really stood out to me this year, announced themselves in the tennis stadium in my mind. The first was Andrey Golubev (who actually had a win in Bastad - nice one!) after his absolute demolition of Igor Andreev at the Hopman Cup. Petzschner played that same sort of fearless tennis against Nadal, at least for a couple of sets... I mean, sure he didn't win the match, but he played some fierce stuff.

Let this not be one of those 'not with a bang but a whimper' situations. Because that would be epically disappointing. I want to see more of you, Philipp Petzschner. Don't make my Twitter-fangirling of you be for nothing!

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

I decree this week the Week We Do Not Speak of Estoril. This tournament will be like the last rugby world cup - never, ever to be spoken of again. Roger, I am choosing to forget this ever happened. I hope the rest of the world will be as kind. Montanes? Really?

But I'm not talking about that.

Instead, let's talk about Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez, who came through the whole of the shenanigans in Rome with the Serbians and the Williamses and took the whole thing. As late bloomers go, she is a late bloomer - a late bloomer even among late bloomers. But the flower that blooms last blooms brightest (or something). Anyway, Maria J rocks my socks. Serve and volley? Love it stupid.

I was fortunate enough to see Maria play live this year - sure, I was cheering against her, because it was Hopman Cup and she was playing Stosur - but I think I may just have been lucky enough to witness something very special. Her excellent run of form this year really began at the Hopman Cup, where she teamed up with Tommy Robredo to win the whole thing. The series of wins she had there, over players like Stosur - well, they have really set her up with a whole lot of confidence. (She also lost to Laura Robson, but... well, Estoril.)

She's been on a roll ever since. I said yesterday that Jelena Jankovic could be a genuine Roland Garros contender. If Maria Jose can take her down, well... that's not just special, that elevates her to the role of genuine contender. I can't say I see Maria winning Roland Garros - I think I'm more cautious in my predictions - but she could certainly be a massive mover and shaker if she keeps playing like this.

...she'll be a problem for the other players, that's for sure. And how do you solve a problem like Maria?

(Yes, I went there. Yes, I know I did it poorly and inelegantly. Deal.)

Endangered Species

Aiyaiyai, Monte Carlo. We had some ker-RAZY results there overnight. Sure, the big boys got through all right - Djokovic and Murray came through in pretty convincing straights - but the rung below that? Yeesh. Berdych? Gone. Monfils? Gone. Simon? Gone.

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What is up with that?

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But there were even more shocking results than that - yes, even more shocking than Gilles Simon being beaten by Andreas Beck, who I recall having seen play and liked before - but still, qualifier. There were two that I would NOT have picked - whoever wins the bracket challenge this tournament is clearly psychic. Tommy Robredo, who has been playing so well and whom I have tipped to go deep at the French, lost to Juan Monaco, with whom I have not been impressed in the past. Sure, he's a claycourter, but Robredo is a pocket dynamo! This is not a good result at all.

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But even more shocking, the player who has regularly been #3 in the claycourt season over the past couple of years behind Rafa and Roger, the Prince of Clay himself, Nicolas Almagro, lost to Albert Montanes. It was a third set breaker, but THAT IS NO EXCUSE! I have high expectations of Almagro and this was just not cool. Montanes is a wily veteran, but Almagro is genuinely up there with the best in the world on the red stuff. This wasn't good enough.

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Maybe I'm expecting too much. The season has only just started and maybe the players need some time to get their eye in or whatever. But... ugh, please. Seeded players are becoming an endangered species in Monte Carlo. It's starting to look like a WTA tournament.

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Though it will be interesting to see what some of these lower-ranked guys can do... (Kudos to Marat Safin, incidentally. Always keen to see him through!)

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Today's Results

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Monte Carlo Rolex Masters (Monte Carlo)

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Novak Djokovic def. Oscar Hernandez, 6-1 6-2

Andy Murray def. Victor Hanescu, 6-3 6-2

Andreas Beck def. Gilles Simon, 7-5 6-1

Juan Monaco def. Tommy Robredo, 6-2 6-4

Janko Tipsarevic def. Gael Monfils, 6-3 6-1

David Nalbandian def. Paul-Henri Mathieu, 6-4 3-6 6-3

Albert Montanes def. Nicolas Almagro, 7-6 (8-6) 4-6 7-6 (7-5)

Fabio Fognini def. Tomas Berdych 1-6 6-3 6-3

Jean-Rene Lisnard def. Christophe Rochus, 6-2 6-2

Martin Vassallo Arguello def. Igor Andreev, 2-6 7-6 (7-5) 6-2

David Ferrer def. Feliciano Lopez, 6-2 6-3

Ivo Karlovic def. Florent Serra, 6-4 6-4

Marat Safin def. Lleyton Hewitt, 6-4 7-5

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Family Circle Cup (Charleston)

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Vera Zvonareva def. Rossana de los Ríos, 6-3 6-2

Marion Bartoli def. Anastasija Sevastova, 6-1 6-3

Dominika Cibulkova def. Tamira Paszek, 6-4 6-0

Aleksandra Wozniak def. Abigail Spears, 6-3 4-6 6-0

Bethanie Mattek-Sands def. Mariana Duque Marino, 7-6 (7-3) 7-5

Shenay Perry def. Barbora Zahlavova Strycova, 7-5 6-1

Sabine Lisicki def. Marie-Ève Pelletier, 7-5 6-4

Elena Vesnina def. Evgeniya Rodina, 6-0 6-2

Alla Kudryavtseva def. Angela Haynes, 6-4 5-7 6-0

Akgul Amanmuradova def. Alexandra Stevenson, 6-2 6-4

Sania Mirza def. Sesil Karatantcheva, 6-4 6-4

Viktoriya Kutuzova def. Mariya Koryttseva, 6-1 6-1

Stéphanie Dubois def. Katie O'Brien, 4-6 6-2 6-1

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Barcelona Ladies' Open (Barcelona)

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Masa Zec Peskiric def. Kaia Kanepi, 3-6 6-2 6-4

Carla Suárez Navarro def. Estrella Cabeza Candela, 6-2 6-0

Maria Kirilenko def. Camille Pin, 6-2 6-0

Anastasiya Yakimova def. Sorana Cirstea, 7-6 (7-2) 7-6 (7-5)

Francesca Schiavone def. Lourdes Domínguez Lino, 7-6 (7-4) 6-4

María José Martínez Sánchez def. Kirsten Flipkens, 6-2 6-2

Nicole Vaidisova def. Yevgenia Savranska, 6-2 6-4

Severine Brémond def. Anna-Lena Groenefeld, 7-6 (7-4) 6-2

Tatjana Malek def. Nuria Llagostera Vives, 6-3 3-6 6-1

Emilie Loit def. Mervana Jugic-Salkic, 7-6 (7-3) 3-6 6-2