Sunshine and Roses

Yo kids! Two posts with actual paragraphs in a row, though this is going to be a short one, on account of I have no access to televised sport at the mo and cannot tell you what actual tennis actually looks like right now.

Though taking this proviso in mind and noting that I have no idea what is actually going on on court, I am super impressed with Ahndee Mooray right now.

For serious. I have never been a fan of Toothface, but it would take someone with a heart of stone not to look at a non claycourter dude who's made the semis at Wimbledon on one good foot and also gone on to make the Queen's final and not to admit a modicum of respect. There's also a modicum of 'dude, be real, Wimbledon is coming up and playing on your bum ankle is a moronic idea' but there's something about the idea of almost ridiculous chutzpah which is very appealing. Well done, Andy. Kudos.

And then there's James 'I'm so obscure I haven't even heard of myself' Ward and his semis run, only halted by a Rafa-beating Jo-W. The Brits are doing so well at Queen's that their national hopes are so high that they are destined to all lose first round at the main event. Even Ahndee. But for now, everything is sunshine and roses.

So yeah. Well done. I'm easing myself back into the blog world and cannot make many more insightful comments. Except Jo. Wow. That dude is playing RAD. That means he must be due for an injury...?

Long-Belated RG Round Up

Today I shall aim to write something with paragraphs. I'm hoping this life upheaval is a temporary thing, as far as blogging-interruptage goes, but if it goes on I might have to reconsider this whole daily thing. Though the blog isn't going anywhere! maybe just these updates going 'yeah, I'm busy'.

Anyway, the grass court season is all started and crazy and Rafa Nadal is losing to Jo-W Tsonga and Halle is getting all pissy that R-Fed never showed up and I haven't even recapped Roland Garros yet, so let's do a bit of that now. I think we can all see that - even in the wake of this random Jo loss - it is a very, very foolish person who counts Rafa Nadal out of anything. As far as form goes, I don't think anyone would call him the form player of the tournament. But he's the one that won.

For Rafa, this victory was a little like Roger's in Australia in 2006 - despite not playing particularly well, he still found a way to win. This is the hallmark of a real champ, I think - the one who finds a way even when he's not really at his best. This is the most vulnerable Rafa's looked at Roland Garros for a long time. But the place still belongs to him. It's still his house. And I don't know if we'll ever see someone this dominant on clay again.

The 'form player of the tournament' award has to go to Federer, who, despite losing in the final, really lifted his level significantly and, we cannot forget, was responsible for breaking the Djokovic streak of doom. The way people were talking before this tournament, you'd think Nole had already lifted the Coupe de Mousquetaires. Federer's victory over him - and Nadal's subsequent victory over Federer - really made it a three horse race again, I think. I would be very surprised if someone who was not one of these three won at Wimbledon.

But then, that's hardly news.

And we have to spare a thought for Andy Murray. His injury looks pretty bad and I really don't think this is going to be his year at Wimbledon; but to make it to the semis on one leg on his worst surface, including a two-sets-down comeback? Murray has a lot to be proud of here. Last year, his post-Australia rut lasted till well after Wimbledon. I think he's exorcised his demons a little earlier this year. Good on him.

A Few Spare Seconds

Why, why, what is this? Jodi with a few spare seconds of her life to write? Is it because she is sitting in an airport? Yes... it is.

I have been following Roland Garros - oh yes I have, even if I haven't been writing about it - but the time difference between Australia and Canada and France is so mighty that I am not quite sure when it is or what time it is anywhere. So instead of writing about the past day's play as would be my normal wont, I'm just going to write a little more generally over what's going on. Specifically, about the major players.

If we were giving out scores on a report card for a tournament so far, despite the fact that he is flying under the radar and is not the favourite to win - in fact, he is being almost actively counted out - you have to give Roger Federer the highest marks so far. Being not the rose but near the rose has done him no end of good. He has been imperious so far this tournament, with shades of the godlike Federer we know is in there. People have said that he is ageing, that he is past it, but that tennis is still there. And if he plays it... I don't think there is anyone that can stand against him.

The question is, can he play it? Will he play it? If he brings it against Novak Djokovic, and Djokovic continues to play in the way that has won him this epic streak... that has the potential to be one of the greatest matches of our time. If Federer plays his ultimate tennis, I'm going to pick him every time, no matter who the opponent, no matter the place, no matter the time. But a) even so, Djokovic is a tough match and b) will Djokovic let him play his best stuff?

Djokovic is the next best performer, his Roland Garros report card marred only by the set lost in the tough tussle with Juan Martin del Potro. The biggest question with him so far is how he will be affected by the long break in the middle of the tournament, given the withdrawal of Fabio 'Captain Controversy' Fognini. Personally, I don't think it will affect him that much, given that beating FabFog probably would have taken him all of four seconds anyway. He's probably the betting favourite for the tournament, and there's a reason for that.

But now he has to face Federer. A Federer who he's playing like he did back in the day. A Federer who used to administer admonishing swats to Djokovic's figurative backside. (Australian Open '07, anyone?) It's a match that I'm not going to pick, but honestly? the man that wins this match will probably win the tournament.

This is a harsh thing to say given that Rafa is still in the draw. But we all know what's going on there. He's not playing with confidence, he got taken to five in the first round, he's depressed, he's pessimistic, he's down on himself, he doesn't have the essential Rafa-ness that so oftened surrounds him like a cloud of glory at Roland Garros. And now he has to play Soderling, the man that dished him out that one defeat here... even if Rafa did smash him like a guitar in last year's final.

But you know what? Rafa's still there. He may not be playing well, but he's still fighting. And even though I did it, what, two paragraphs ago? it would be a very foolish person who would bet against the mighty R Nadal at Roland Garros.

The one 'big' contender left who really isn't a contender is poor wounded badger Andy Murray. He has about 0.00000000001% chance of winning the tournament, considering a) he ain't no claycourter and b) he is injured like whoa. And yet I have somehow gained more cred for Andy Murray in this tournament than I have for a long time. To be playing on virtually one leg and to come back from two sets down against Viktor 'vile minion of Bert' Troicki... well, that was impressive. And if he can come through Chela and make it to the semis... that is very, very impressive stuff from an injured non-claycourter.

Of course, given how close Wimbledon is, is it smart? Maybe not. But it is brave. And I guess I just find that very, very appealing.

And before I go, a few words on the women's tournament - FRANCESCA SCHIAVONE FOR QUEEN OF THE WORLD. If she repeats her 2010 victory, I will be very, very glad.

Ladders

So Andy Murray won a match. While sporting one of the most ridiculous hairdos ever seen on a tennis court. Um, like, well done Andy. And stuff.

We all know that I am not exactly Murray's biggest fan, but I genuinely would like to see him get a few wins in here on the clay. The hardcourt season was a total wash and I don't know if those demons are going away. But when the tour gets on clay, I think the pressure lifts from Murray's shoulders. No one expects him to perform on the red stuff. We've all heard for years that Murray is capable of winning in Australia, in the US, oh yeah, AND DEFINITELY at SW19, but at Roland Garros? No way. And that, I think, really lightens Murray's load.

So, yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if Andy gets a few good wins in on the clay. I would also not be surprised to see a grass court collapse once the immense burden of being a Brit at Wimbledon descends once more. That's the time that will make or break Murray (for 2011, at least). He's been in a hole, and while the clay season can be a bit of a ladder out if he plays well, it's not until the grass that we'll know whether he truly has made it out. The clay season is almost irrelevant, in its way, so he may as well make the best of it he can.

Fernando Verdasco was all like 'oh yeah, I'm just making the best of it I can on the hardcourts until REAL TENNIS starts, I WILL SHOW YOU, MILOS RAONIC RAAAAAAR'... and then he lost tamely to Disco Tommy. Pride and the fall, Nando. It's a thing.

This loss sends Verdasco nosediving out of the top ten - FINALLY. How long has it taken?! Geez. Andy Murray might not have won a match since Australia (till today), but at least he's still a little bit relevant. Verdasco just seems to be devolving further and further into a pit of irrelevance every day. And he doesn't have a ladder.

They're So High (High Above Me, They're So Lovely)

We talk a lot about echelons in tennis - about the upper echelons, the middle ones, the lower ones, the upper-middle, the upper-upper, the upper-upper-upper... pretty much any echelon you want to think of, someone's probably talked about it.

The one we talk about most, however, is probably that extreme upper echelon - namely, who belongs to it. It used to be just Federer, all by himself. Then Rafa got in on the game, and then Djokovic a bit later, and then Murray a bit later again. Soderling's laid his claim to it. People are always talking about who the next big thing is, the one that will take that top echelon by storm. (Raonic and Dolgopolov seem to be the most popular candidates at the moment.)

But in reality, in tennis right now, that upper echelon has three men in it. And they are playing so much better than the rest of the field that it is just not funny. Rafa. Roger. Creme Brole. (Not necessarily in that order.) These guys are SO HIGH (high above me, they're so lovely.)

Let's review 2011 for these guys. Djokovic, as we know, has not lost a single match. Federer has only lost to Djokovic. Nadal has lost to Djokovic and to a couple of other dudes, but there was an injury cloud there for a moment (and now we're going into the clay season, where his dominance is totally unquestioned). The reason they are doing so well at the moment is because of pure consistency. These guys either a) don't lose or b) only lose to each other.

It sounds simple, that the guys at the top are the ones that aren't losing. But it seems to be a surprisingly tough concept for people to grasp sometimes.

Soderling had an excellent run for a while there - he won three out of four tournaments entered, with only that one loss to Dolgopolov marring his record. But now, in this US swing? Early, nasty losses. And he's dropped back down to #5...

...which is really odd, when you consider that the dude going back to #4 is Andy Murray, who has not won a set since he collapsed against Djokovic at the Australian Open. NOT ONE SINGLE SET. I know we've all heard this and we all talk about it, but seriously. NOT A SINGLE SET. Not even against Alex Bogomolov Jr, otherwise known as 'who?'

Murray has the talent and ability to reach that Fedalovic platform. No doubt. But if he's going to be such a mental midget, it is just NOT going to happen. These kind of losses... you could deal with one. The string he has is completely unacceptable.

We all love the streaky, unpredictable players - the Tsongas, the Safins, the Dolgopolovs. But to get to the top and stay there, you have to do one thing: win. And the complete collapse of the top ten in Miami this week has demonstrated exactly which dudes are doing that, and which dudes need to go back to the drawing board.

(Look! Paragraphs! Apologies for the crazy-ass spacing, but Blogger has been an absolute tosspot to me. Has anyone else found this?)

Knights of the Bround Table

SCENE #1 [INT] - A MEETING ROOM IN MIAMI

Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.

ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!

RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.

ROGER: Hi.

RAFA: Hi.

ROGER and RAFA giggle.

RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.

ROGER: Well -

RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?

ROGER: Sure.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!

Enter NOLE.

NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.

ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.

Enter A-Rod.

A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.

NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.

A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?

NOLE: I'd like to see you try.

A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -

NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.

RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.

A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.

ROGER: It's okay.

NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.

A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.

RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.

Enter FEVER and FERRU.

FEVER: Hola, Rafa!

FERRU: Hi guys!

A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?

ROGER: Be nice, Andy.

FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.

FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.

FEVER: Nalbandian?

FERRU: No. Other Other David.

FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.

RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?

NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?

RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?

A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.

RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.

RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.

NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.

ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -

Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.

THE YOKER: Hello.

RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!

THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!

RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?

THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?

RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.

Enter BIG BERD.

BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!

ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.

Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.

ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.

NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?

ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.

BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?

ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.

BIG BERD: That's -

ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!

EVERYONE sits.

RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.

ROGER: I'm fine.

RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?

ROGER: Not today.

THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.

RAFA: Hey!

THE YOKER: Why are we here?

ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!

ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?

Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.

MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -

ROGER: Yes, we mind.

MUZZ: You're so mean.

RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!

THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!

BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?

NOLE: Exactly.

A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.

FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.

FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?

ROGER: SILENCE!

Silence.

RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.

ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.

ROGER: Nole -

NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.

ROGER: That is not the point.

NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.

RAFA: Novak, behave.

NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -

RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

NOLE subsides and sits down.

FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.

RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.

ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?

THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?

ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -

RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!

A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.

THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.

BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.

NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.

A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.

ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.

SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]

ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying

We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.

It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all

It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.

We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.

ROGER: Is that clear?

A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.

RAFA: Rogelio is King!

NOLE: Dude. Please.

ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.

FERRU: Time for what?

ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.

A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?

EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.

FEVER: ...what?

ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -

THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.

EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.

THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.

FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.

FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.

FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!

NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.

NOLE high fives himself.

A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?

NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.

A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.

NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?

A-ROD: ...Memphis.

NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.

ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.

EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.

MUZZ: What?

ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.

MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.

ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.

EVERYONE: ...who?

ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.

MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.

A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -

MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.

ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.

A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?

ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.

RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.

NOLE: Spew.

ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.

MUZZ: No! You can't do this!

ROGER: There are Playstations out there.

MUZZ: Oh! Okay!

THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.

FEVER: I don't want to go either!

ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.

FEVER: Where is the door again?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.

ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.

MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.

ROGER: The other Andy.

MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!

A-ROD: Oh, shut up.

Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.

ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.

A-ROD: Thanks, man.

NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?

RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.

BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.

ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.

NOLE: Troicki.

ROGER: Absolutely not.

A-ROD: No.

FERRU: Never.

THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.

NOLE: Why?

BIG BERD: No minions.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.

NOLE points to FERRU.

FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.

NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.

FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?

A-ROD: No minions!

BIG BERD: Monfils?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.

A-ROD: Tsonga?

FERRU: Too always injured.

ROGER: Del Potro?

THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.

RAFA: Youzhny?

A-ROD: Too head-smashy.

NOLE: Nalbandian?

RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.

A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?

BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.

RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.

BIG BERD: Oh.

A-ROD: Mardy Fish?

FERRU: No minions!

BIG BERD: Cilic?

NOLE: Are you joking?

BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.

NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?

THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.

ROGER: His hair is too nice.

NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.

ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?

NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.

RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.

ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's eyes fill with tears.

RAFA: You don't mean that.

NOLE: No. Minions.

ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.

BIG BERD: I'm tired.

THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.

ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.

RAFA: Yes!

EVERYONE ELSE: No!

A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.

FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.

A-ROD: Oh.

BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.

A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.

BIG BERD: Shut up.

A-ROD: Make me.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.

ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.

EVERYONE: No.

ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.

RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.

NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?

ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.

RAFA: I have an idea.

ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?

RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.

RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?

THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.

WTF Andy Murray?!

That is literally the only sensible thing that can be said about today.

Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Cupcakes For Breakfast

So I think we're all agreed. The top half of the Indian Wells draw is cancelled. We're just sending Rafa Nadal straight to the final, yesno?

Seriously, I'm not one of the people who sees conspiracy theories in draws, but if Rafa's draw was any cupcakier I would be eating it right now. It is freaking ridiculous. I've seen some fluke-y draws in my time, but this one is practically a work of art in its cupcakiness. And it's not like it necessarily started out that way, either - it's evolved into this high form of cupcake art. Give a monkey a pen and eventually it'll write Hamlet; give tennis players racquets and one day you'll be left with Rafa and some cakes.

Let's review. In fact, I've got a very special guest here on Tennis From Beyond The Baseline to review for you. Say hola to Rafa, guys!

...

Hello. Hola. I'm Rafa Nadal, and I'm ranked #1 in the world. I had a bit of a sad loss at the Australian Open, but I'm still ranked #1 and I'm all better from my injury, and I'm coming off a pretty excellent Davis Cup weekend. I'm pretty awesome. On my day, I can beat just about anyone. Actually, that is actually everyone, because I'm more than pretty awesome.

I get a bye in my first round, because, hello, awesome. And then in my second round, I get Rik de Voest. He's a qualifier. I know it can toughen people up, that qualifying draw, and I like my cupcakes all gooey and moist, so I decide to give him - oh, he retired. Oops. Who knew.

Meanwhile, while this is going on, the other seeds in my section are playing. Sorry, did I say playing? I meant losing. Out goes Monaco, out goes Baghdatis, out goes Tsonga, and the dude who beat me at the Australian Open, David Ferrer? Yeah, he's gone too. But it's all right. This cupcake still has some seeds in it. It's freaking multigrain. Simon! Almagro! Montanes! These dudes all have some mad skills, no?

Sorry, did you just ask what I'm ranked? #1, dude. And how many Slams do I have? That would be nine. How many other Slam winners are there in the entire top half of the draw? Well, Juan Martin del Potro won one, but he's over in the other side of the half. Murray's half. And Murray's been to three finals of Slams before - oh, Murray lost? To Donald Young?

You know I am a polite guy. I'm Rafa. But excuse me while I shriek WHAT THE F^&*?!

But you know, I am modest, and is basically impossible for me to win, no? These guys, they all play very good. Anyone is a danger. I'm playing Ryan Sweeting this round, and he got a whole FOUR GAMES off me at the Australian Open. In three sets. That is FOUR GAMES TOO MANY.

I am so disappointed. He got four games off me again, and this time in only TWO sets. My game must be slipping. Is basically impossible for me to win this cupcake-y half now, no? There are still some seeds left, remember - remember Montanes and Almagro and Simon?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY MONTANES IS LEFT WHAT IS THIS TOURNAMENT WHO IS BAKING THIS CUPCAKE FOR ME?!

But in the other side of this top half, it's still all going on. Murray might be gone, but Soderling is #4 now, and he's still there - oh. Hang on. So if I want to make the final, the highest seed I have to beat is... Verdasco?

Except no. Because he lost too. The highest ranked dude I could face now before the final is... drumroll... Sam Querrey. And is impossible for me to win that match, no? He's won three of eight matches this year and I'm only ranked #1. What more do you expect me to do?

Sorry guys, I have to say hasta manana now. I can smell cupcakes baking in the oven. And I have to play another qualifier soon.

...

...hi guys, Jodi's back now. And she would like to say WHAT THE EVERLOVING F^&* HAPPENED TO THE TOP HALF OF THE DRAW IN INDIAN WELLS?! The only dude that is even half a threat to Rafa now is Juan Martin del Potro and while he's pretty awesome, I don't think he's quite up to Rafa beating right now. We might as well pack up the top half now and send Rafa straight to the final.

And if I'm Rafa, I don't know how much I like this state of affairs. Because if I've been stuffing my face with cupcakes and then I get to the final and I get a big slice of Federer-or-Djokovic pie... I don't think that's going to sit too well, if you know what I mean. Cupcakes are many things - delicious, for example - but good preparation for a final? Not so much.

Double Damage

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... we're back beyond the baseline! Jodi is back behind her computer, Indian Wells is a-going on and there is lots to see and do. Let us get started. No further ado. Except to say a quick congrats to Amer Delic for winning the Sarajevo Challenger. Even if he did beat my beloved Nicolas Mahut, he is a feelgood winner and no mistake.

Indian Wells has it all going on in singles, but it really has it going on in doubles. If I'm a regular doubles player - a Nestor or a Bryan or a Zimonjic or someone like that - I'm not liking Indian Wells too much at all, because all these singles dudes have turned up (nine of the top ten, in fact) and they're winning. Lots of people talk about how doubles shouldn't be considered singles' wussy little sibling, but when singles players can do this kind of damage...

...okay, not opening that can of worms. We still have Nadal, Federer, Djokovic and Murray active in doubles, not to mention Melzer and Petzschner (awesome singles players and Wimbledon champs), Benneteau and Gasquet (talented Frenchies), Dolgopolov and Malisse (who knows what could happen?) and, oh yeah, the Bryans. This doubles draw is literally anyone's game - unless you happen to be a seeded doubles team, like Nestor and Mirnyi or Fyrstenberg and Matkowski. Then you are pretty much shit out of luck.

If a duo like the Bryans or Paes and Bhupathi (or even the Indo-Pak Express) can come through and win this one, I will be a) very surprised, but mostly b) really, really impressed, because this has got to be one of the best damn doubles draws of all time. It's literally unpickable. The one pick I'm going to make is that no one will do double duty and win both singles and doubles. The draws here are too deep and tough for that. (Watch me be proven wrong. Hopefully by Federer, but probably by Djokovic. Unappetising idea.)

Of course, if Andy Murray doesn't do well in doubles, then we could have a worse collapse than last year on our hands. We might already - losing to Donald Young in singles? Andy, dude. I don't like you, but Donald Young? Doubles could be a great morale booster, and having his doubles-experienced (and Slam-winning) brother by his side should be an asset - but in a doubles draw like this, who knows what could happen?

With the exception of Murray - and Ferrer, if we're going that deep - we're still on track for a highly-seeded set of later rounds in the singles. I have Nadal winning in my bracket, and I'm really interested to see if he can make it happen - of course, I would love to be wrong and see R-Fed pull out the victory, but I have a Rafa-type feeling on this one. If he's fully fit, then I like Rafa to beat just about anyone. This is obviously a very contentious claim, on account of how he is #1 in the world. But we shall see, we shall see.

Let's just put it this way - I would be very, very surprised if we saw someone like Ivan Ljubicic win this year. It just doesn't feel like that kind of year. Indian Wells this year feels oddly... significant. I don't know, maybe I'm just making that up. But it feels weighty, it feels meaningful, and the results from here and Miami could really (unlike last year) set the tone for the next few months.

Why You Should Never Listen To A Thing I Say

My sister and I have a new addiction. We live in different cities, but this is something we do together every week. Once a week - either on Thursday night or Saturday afternoon, depending on when we're both free - we sit down, put each other on speakerphone, and watch the weekly highlights of WWE.

Yes, this will be an article about tennis. I'm getting there. Trust me.

WWE may well be the funniest damn thing I have ever seen in my life. A soap opera about men wearing no pants pretending to punch each other? Genius. What is there not to love about something which is basically Passions with punching (and less pants)?

My favourite thing about WWE is not the punching - which I can take or leave - it is the hilarious storylines they have going on. I'm not sure to what extent WWE tries to take itself seriously, but it is HIGH CAMP THEATRE OF HILARITY. So last night, in that drifting state between waking and sleep, it came to me. What if the world of tennis was like that?

I would not wish it, of course. BUT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS. Tennis players coming out into the middle of the court with a microphone, talking smack about their opponents... and then their opponents would come out, to the strains of hilariously hardcore music! Djokovic could be all 'the king is dead, long live the king', and out comes Federer! to the strains of Don't Stop Me Now! And he's all like, 'if you're the king, then prove it - let's have a match right here, right now!'

And then they play. And Mirka and Ana Ivanovic are on the side trying to interfere while the referee (who is probably Kader Nouni, on account of his excellent voice) isn't looking.

Grand Slams would no longer exist. Things like 'the Wimbledon title' would probably be redecided weekly. And there would be no trophies - oh no. There would be belts. HILARIOUSLY OVERSIZED BELTS. And things like 'the Nadal forehand' and 'the Federer volley' would become WWE-esque finishing moves that people would scream for and anticipate. No more of this 'RKO' or '619' business. It would be all 'FOREHAND!'

Of course, this would no longer be tennis. But it would be funny.

There would be terribly written storylines as well. I'm sure that the Roger character and the Rafa character would have some epic ongoing feud and would be punching each other and stealing each other's girlfriends all the time. Djokovic and Murray would both be trying to become the new #1 contenders and sometimes succeeding, but mostly failing. Murray would probably go through a straight edge phase. There would be a lot more crazy eyes, a lot more theme songs, and a lot less pants in this world. Because they would have to wear speedos. And leg warmers. Because that is what WWE is about. Or WTE, in this case - World Tennis Entertainment. It would not really be tennis, but it would be entertaining.

In case you can't tell, this entire post is trying to mask the fact that I don't have much else to write about. WTE is, of course, a terrible idea. But it is nightmarishly appealing. We can dream. Even if our dreams are not good ones.

A Festival Of Maybes

Reaching a Grand Slam final is a big damn achievement. Even if you lose, simply reaching the final is something massive. Ask Marcos Baghdatis. Ask Fernando Gonzalez. Ask Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. Ask Guillermo Coria, Arnaud Clement, Martin Verkerk, Mariano Puerta. Even though these players all lost the one Slam final they made, I'd bet that loss still rates as the high point of their career - and that their runner up cookie tray is one of their most prized possessions.

Andy Murray has three cookie trays now. And I'd say that getting those cookie trays probably rate as some of his worst memories ever.

Let's revisit Murray's three Slam finals. His first one was in the US Open, 2008. He faced some dude called Roger Federer, who was going for his fifth consecutive US Open crown. Federer had not had his bestest year ever - he hadn't won a Slam yet - and a year without a Federer Slam, well... the world was definitely not ready for that to happen in 2008. Federer had the experience and knew how to win a Slam, especially in New York. Murray was green and maybe a little tired coming off his two day big win over Rafa Nadal. And also beating Nadal and Federer back to back? You'd have to be a wizard to do that.

Murray went down in straights. But not everyone can be Roger or Rafa and win in their first ever Slam final. Djokovic lost the final of the US Open in 2007 in straights before going on to win the Australian Open in 2008. Surely it was only a matter of time for Murray.

But then he didn't make a single Slam final in 2009. Oh well. It's still only a matter of time. Murray has got the goods. He will win a Slam. This was hammered into our heads over and over again. It's not a question of whether, but of when.

Australian Open, 2010. Murray makes the final playing absolutely scintillating tennis. And who is waiting there for him? Roger Federer again. But this time, Murray is ready. Oh yeah. He's pumped. He knows it's only a matter of time before he wins a Slam. And he can take Federer. He's beaten him a bunch of times before. He can do it again. This is his moment - the Murray moment.

Except it's not.

Roger Federer takes Andy Murray to school. Straight sets, down Murray goes. He shows a flicker of life in the third set tiebreaker, but it is too little, too late. There is no performing CPR on this match. The trophy is in Federer's hands and once again, Murray holds the cookie tray. And then he enters a slump so pervasive that it takes him till around Wimbledon to recover.

But he's still going to win a Slam. It doesn't happen in 2010, but it's still going to happen. Maybe the break he took was too long. Maybe he should have come back sooner. There is a festival of maybes.

And one of the maybes that starts to creep in is this one - maybe Andy Murray won't ever win a Slam.

But no. It's 2011. It's a new year, a new Murray. He's recovered from the scars of last year and he is playing magic tennis. He is cutting through the draw like a hot knife through butter, and destiny seems to be on his side. Soderling is swept from his path. Nadal is swept from his path. He has a couple of tough moments with Dolgopolov and Ferrer, but it is largely a ticker tape parade straight to the final.

And it's Djokovic he's facing this time. Only Djokovic, people want to say. It's not a finals thing Murray has - he's won tons of finals! He has a bag full of Masters and 500s and 250s. No, it's just a Federer thing. Federer lights up when he gets to finals. Murray can take Djokovic. Only Djokovic.

Except he couldn't. I don't know if anyone could have taken Djokovic down in this tournament, but Murray was barely there at all. The dude that showed up in the final was not the normal Andy Murray. It was the scared little boy that got his arse kicked by Federer.

If Andy Murray - the Andy Murray, the one that has been in the top five for about 150,000 years now - showed up in a Slam final, he would have a fighting chance. But I've never seen him. Not even once. And while there are plenty of great players who have never won a Slam, the effects of these finals on Murray is affecting his normal play. We saw the long slump after the Australian Open final this year. Now Murray has just gone down to Baghdatis in Rotterdam.

One loss is not that big a deal. But when you look at the way Murray's 2010 played out after the Australian Open, this is not a great sign for 2011.

Murray's first Slam final loss was not, I think, that big a deal. He was new and green and one Slam loss to a guy like Federer is very honourable. I think the rot really set in in 2010, and that scar tissue has lasted a lot longer than we thought. And now that Murray's lost to a guy not named Roger Federer in a Slam final, who knows what could happen?

It's an awful thing to say, but in a way, Murray's career might be better if he stopped making those Slam finals. The cookie trays are not for him a prize, but a burden - a reminder of how close he came and how he didn't come through. They're a tangible sign of failure - because for him, I think, not winning must feel like a failure, even though just making the final is a massive, incredible achievement.

We all know that I'm not a massive Murray fan, but I don't want to join the litany of media condemning him. I fully believe that Andy Murray can win a Slam. He has the game and the brain and the tools he needs. But the first thing he needs to do is to somehow shed this scar tissue and turn up. Even if he turns up and loses, I think that would be better. If he'd turned up against Djokovic and still lost, I don't think the pain would have been so bad. But if he turns up, there is a lot of Slam finals he can win. The turning up is the problem.

He needs to get rid of the maybe - the maybe is what is killing him. Because the more people say 'maybe Andy Murray will win a Slam' (or worse, 'maybe he won't') that pressure is going to continue to mount.

50 Thoughts on the 2011 Australian Open

The flags have come down, the stadium is empty. The people are all gone. It is quiet. Rod Laver Arena is still. The Australian Open is over for another year. The slate that was so clean a few weeks ago has been written on, rough sketches of things to come beginning to take shape.

*

It’s time to reflect. Or try to forget. Or drink. Any of the above.

*

I could do some in depth analysis of the tournament and what it all means and stuff, but that sounds like it would take a lot of energy and as much fun as deconstructing is, two weeks of solid tennis really takes it out of you – even if you’re only watching and not playing. So instead of actual, like, paragraphs and stuff, let’s make a list of stuff. Stuff that I noticed, stuff that I think is cool, stuff that I think is not cool. Stuff.

*

1. When Li Na is done with tennis, she needs to have a stand up comedy career where she just makes fun of her husband all the time. She is COMEDY GOLD.

2. Why haven’t I noticed how cool Li Na is before?

3. It was nice that Kim Clijsters got to celebrate her victory as Kim and not as Jada’s mum. Jada is adorable and all, but Kim did this all on her lonesome.

4. Thank you, Kim Clijsters, for that takedown of Todd Woodbridge. It was awesome.

5. I can deal with Todd Woodbridge as a commentator. I’m fine with him. Love Jim Courier, surprisingly love Lleyton Hewitt. HATE BRUCE MCAVANEY. FIRE HIM AT ONCE. HE FILLS ME WITH RAGE.

6. Novak Djokovic was genuinely the best player on the men’s side this fortnight and was definitely due another title.

7. I had never, ever realised that Djokovic was such a speed demon. Or that he could do the splits.

8. Djokovic has improved over the years. He is no longer my most hated player. I’m never going to be a fan, but am glad to see he’s maturing.

9. I look at Djokovic, all I can see is Bert from Sesame Street. Or Screech from Saved By The Bell. Can’t help it.

10. There is a real chance Andy Murray might be the next Ivan Lendl.

11. There is a real chance Andy Murray might be the next Dinara Safina.

12. Dinara Safina is indeed the player I feel most sorry for all tournament.

13. Except for maybe Svetlana Kuznetsova, because NO ONE deserved to lose that match.

14. Francesca Schiavone is a FREAKING LEGEND. Seriously, how awesome is she? She rocks the kasbah.

15. Just because Caroline Wozniacki was funny in press conferences doesn’t mean I like her game any better.

16. I think Ekaterina Makarova really might be something in the next couple of years.

17. Same goes for Aleksandr Dolgopolov.

18. Actually, how freaking awesome is Sasha D? I am filled with so much Dolgopolove right now. Any man who is man enough to wear an Alice band is a man indeed.

19. I never realised how much I loved Rafa till he went down like that in the quarters.

20. Roger Federer will always be my favourite, no matter what happens in the rest of his career.

21. That said, the rest of his career is going to be pretty damn sparkly.

22. The world unfairly maligns David Ferrer. He is much more awesome than people give him credit for.

23. One good semi final does not a career make. Fernando Verdasco is the anti-Ferrer.

24. I’m not quite ready to jump on the Milos Raonic bandwagon yet. Sorry.

25. I am, however, quite ready to jump on the Anastasija Sevastova bandwagon, because I liked what I saw.

26. And then there’s that Dolgopolove bandwagon, which I have primo seating on.

27. And Richard Berankis, even if he got to the third round via Nalbandian-fail.

28. It was worth the Nalbandian fail to get to see that epic first round match against Hewitt. Best match of the tournament, second overall after Franlana.

29. Lleyton Hewitt is really a very good commentator. Never thought I would say this, but MOAR LLEYTON.

30. Did I mention how much I hate Bruce McAvaney?

31. Did I mention how much I hate Viktor Troicki? Because it is A LOT. I like fiery players. I’m a Safin fan. But he is vile.

32. Not just because he knocked out he of the anime-hair, Nicolas Mahut.

33. A great love of Nicolas Mahut seems to be the one thing all tennis fans can agree on. Fedophiles, Rafanatics... everyone loves Nico.

34. He should have got a wildcard to the Australian Open.

35. Sabine Lisicki should also have got a wildcard.

36. In fact, there should be an official Wildcard For Awesome.

37. Even though it failed, #wildcardformahut was an awesome experience. And it’s going to keep popping up every time he needs one.

38. I just generally think Mahut is the bee’s knees. In case you hadn’t noticed.

39. You know who else is awesome? Andrea Petkovic. There needs to be more people like Petkorazzi.

40. Petkorazzi has had an awesome summer and is due for a big rankings rise. Watch this space.

41. Likewise the tall left-handed space shaped like Petra Kvitova, because she is rocketing up so fast she will leave you in her dust.

42. Sandra Zahlavova’s screech is worse than Michelle Larcher de Brito’s. Yes, I’m saying it.

43. Venus Williams is a freaking WARRIOR.

44. Even if her dress did look like a pie.

45. Ernests Gulbis is not a warrior. I think I’m off the bandwagon.

46. Andrey Golubev was also disappointing, but there’s no way I’m giving up on him.

47. Marin Cilic was surprisingly un-disappointing. Good times.

48. Insert something vaguely complimentary (with conditions) about Bernard Tomic here.

49. Tobias Kamke is going to be so awesome so fast it will BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND.

50. We are going to miss Justine Henin so, so much.

*

What would you add to the list?

*

I liked the result of last year’s tournament better. Any tournament with a big fat RF on it is a tournament I love. But I don’t think I’ve ever had a better time than I did at the Australian Open this year. Good tennis, good wine, Federbitching friends... these are the things that make a real Grand Slam experience. And I was lucky enough to have all three.

*

And now the countdown to Roland Garros begins, and I cannot wait. Not just because I finish work the Friday before, either...

Duck Unbroken

Well, that was a bit... anticlimactic.

Despite not having a horse in this race, I was - I confess - a tiny bit excited against this final. I thought we could see five sets. I thought we could see a real battle. I thought we would finally see British tennis break its 150,000 year old duck.

Being half a Brit myself and having a British tennis playing cousin, I was pulling for Murray tonight. A little bit. Andy Murray is emphatically not my fave. But considering Djokovic definitely isn't either, I had to pick one of them, and Murray it was.

And he was so freaking disappointing. There is a name, and the name is Safina.

Sure, Ivan Lendl took four finals to win his first one. Kim Clijsters was sitting on zero for many for a long time. But they are the exception, rather than the rule. And just like last year, the question has to be asked - will Andy Murray EVER win a Slam?

But enough of this. I don't want to be too mean. I have a British tennis playing cousin after all, and knowing what the media are going to do to Murray tonight, I don't want to add fuel to the fire.

Novak Djokovic was genuinely the best player this week. Anyone who beats a member of the Great Fedal Bromance has got something going on, and he was totally superior this week.

I don't normally break into paeans of praise for Djokovic. It is not a secret that I am not a fan. But he deserved this one. I felt, before the match, that it was Murray's turn, but once I saw the match, I knew it wasn't to be. Murray didn't play great, but that doesn't take away from the fact that Novak played awesome. Like, majorly awesome.

His defense in particular this tournament has been out of this world. I still rate Rafa as the best defender on tour, but Novak is up there in the ranks. Some of the shots he played tonight - and, indeed, this fortnight - have been incredible. He has played amazing tennis. And he has showed why he has consistently ranked higher than Andy Murray.

It's been a long time coming - congrats on your second major, Nole.

No Accident

If I have learned one thing from this Australian Open, it is this: never, ever underestimate David Ferrer.

I have been guilty of doing this for a long time. He's sort of my anti-Kohlschreiber - I always expect Kohlschreiber to do better than he does, and I always expect Ferrer to do worse than he does. In fact, if you asked me before this tournament who I genuinely thought I was a better player, I might have even said Kohlschreiber. David Ferrer is the ultimate under-the-radar guy.

It's amazing how he's managed to stay under the radar when he's made multiple Slam semis. I knew this, and I still continually underestimated him. I didn't even notice he was in the tournament till he played Raonic in the first round, and even then I had a mental asterisk next to him that said 'bunny'.

'Oh, he will lose to Rafa easily!' thought I. Obviously this was not to be. Sure, Rafa was injured, but he was still moving, still fighting. It must be very easy to lose to a wounded warrior - to get so excited about them being on the ropes that you forget about the business of winning the match. And Rafa, while obviously hampered, wasn't quite on crutches yet.

Ferrer kept his head. He played smart tennis, and he won - deservedly so - in straights. There was a lot of attention on how humble Rafa was, refusing to talk about his injury and giving credit to his opponent. Sure, he was very humble - it was a great press conference. But he was also right. Ferrer won this match. Full credit.

But still, thought I, 'oh, he has no chance against Andy Murray! Muzz will hand his arse to him!'

And yes, Ferrer lost. But he went down swinging like a real champion. He played amazingly to get that first set, and if he had taken that set point in the second set, who knows what direction the match would have taken?

This has been a great tournament for Ferrer. But he didn't get to the semis by accident. And I - and everyone else - need to remember that Ferrer deserves all the glory he can get. No more under the radar. Let's stand up and applaud David Ferrer.

Here Be Monsters

Today is not a tennis day that made me happy.

There is Rafa. Oh, Rafa. I didn't actually realise how much I loved you until I saw you struggling to play through pain - and it must have been a lot of pain to hamper you so badly. What a sad way for your quest for the Rafa Slam to end.

And then there is Justine, retiring for the second time. Her elbow is too fragile for her to continue. I guess we can just be grateful for the time we had.

These are obviously not exactly connected issues, so let's start with Rafa. In fact, let's start with David Ferrer, who played an outstanding match. I want to take absolutely nothing away from the killer performance he put in here. I have seriously never seen him rip so many winners. And even though I knew he was the Energiser bunny, I had no conception of how fast he was. That seriously surprises me every time.

And when you're Rafa, and you're clearly injured - even if you are being so gracious and not talking about it - the Energiser bunny, who will make you play ball after ball after ball, is the last person you want to play.

Rafa was such a gentleman about his performance. He didn't want to talk about his injury, he said, because he didn't want to detract from the performance of his opponent. Full credit here. More than full credit. This is the kind of behaviour that led him to getting the sportsmanship award as voted by the other players.

Murray's road to the final suddenly got a whole lot easier. He may have lost a set to everyone's new favourite Dolgopolov (whom we all Dolgopolove) but he is still the form player on this side by a mile. With Soderling and Nadal swept out of his path, he practically has a free ticket straight to the final. Great as David Ferrer played - and even though he has a winning record over Murray - I don't see Ferrer doing much to hurt the Muzz.

But I would have said that about Nadal, so go figure.

And then the other tragic news - the second retirement of Justine Henin. I thought there was no way she would ever come back from her first retirement, but this time it's final. Her body physically will not let her play. She can't. And so we have lost her.

I adore watching Henin. Her backhand is the most beautiful shot in women's tennis and now we have lost it forever - and when he eventually lose Francesca Schiavone, we may lose the one-handed backhand altogether. But it's not just her backhand - and her game - we're losing. We're losing Juju. We're losing everything she has brought to tennis. And she's losing her chance at a Wimbledon title.

We'll miss you, Justine. I cannot tell you how much we will miss you.

Dolgopolove

Alexandr Dolgopolov is going to be a top ten player. Maybe even top five. And it is going to happen soon.

Robin Soderling did not know what hit him when he walked out on Rod Laver Arena. At first, I'm pretty sure he thought it was fat nothing, when he walked all over his opponent 6-1 in the first set. And even when he was broken in the second set - hell, even when he lost the second set - I'm pretty sure he was still feeling all right.

We were all applauding. 'Wow, Sasha got a set!' we cheered. 'A set from Soderling! He really is going to be something special one of these days!'

But Sasha was not content with 'one of these days'. No, Sasha wanted today.

And that is what he got.

When Soderling lost the third set... he knew he was in a match. And even after Soderling won the fourth set, and when he went up a break in the fifth... this was somehow Sasha's match. After he won the third set, there was not a moment in this match when Dolgopolov was going to lose.

Andy Roddick called him 'aggressive to the point of psychosis'. Sasha Dolgopolov has all the shots. He can rip winners from anywhere in the court - like, ANYWHERE, in that manner that only Federer and Nadal can do on a consistent basis. I can see how, on an off day, it could all go horribly wrong, and I suppose that's why he isn't higher ranked right at this second, but (first set aside), it was all going right for Sasha against Soderling. And if he can play like this on a consistent level, it is hard to imagine too many people who could stop him.

He has a huge forehand. He has a scintillating backhand. He can volley and slice and has a nice serve too. He can hit with spin, he can hit flat. I saw his match against Becker the other day live and after his match against Soderling, I haven't seen a shot he can't hit and hit with panache.

He plays the type of tennis which is most watchable when it's on and agonisingly painful when it's off. His mission, should he choose to accept it, is to make sure he can keep his level up week in, week out. Because if he can play like he played against Soderling all the time, he will be into the top ten with a rocket.

In other news, Nadal seems to have recovered from his illness woes - he really played a good match against Cilic, who couldn't really hurt him too much. Murray absolutely mauled Melzer in a terrifying way - that will be a really tough match for Sasha next. And a Murray/Nadal semi - that could be an absolute cracker. (Or totally anticlimactic, depending on how well both dudes play.)

In the ladies, the Kim Clijsters train rolls on - she put out Ekaterina Makarova, whom I really liked the look of and hope we see more of in the future. Vera Zvonareva continued to slice through the draw quietly (hot knife, butter, etc) and Agnieszka Radwanska had a very good win as well and Petra Kvitova is looking very nice as well...

Rally For Relief

It wasn't quite Hit For Haiti. I don't know if anything could match the glorious spontaneity of that Sunday afternoon last year. But Rally For Relief this afternoon was big fun, and the cause was extremely important. (If you haven't already, please donate - you can do so here.)

It was only a short event but it felt longer - probably because of the masses of time we spent queueing and then sitting in the arena, waiting for the players to come on. (Though there was a Federer practice session going on, so who was complaining? NOT ME.) There were a lot more players than last year - the event opened with ten players walking on.

The Gold Team: Novak Djokovic, Caroline Wozniacki, Ana Ivanovic, Justine Henin, Lleyton Hewitt (c)
The Green Team: Andy Roddick, Andy Murray, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka, Pat Rafter (c)

All ten of the players were micced up, and they were hilarious. I can't really convey the humour of events like these in words - perhaps you can try and YouTube it, if you weren't lucky enough to be there! - but it was in great spirit, great fun, and was great tennis. Honorable mentions have to go to Andy Roddick for taking on linesman duties and Novak Djokovic for both conducting a rally while sitting down and getting into the press pit. Dishonorable mention goes to Andy Murray for substituting grunting for humour and Lleyton Hewitt for trying to bring his son Cruz onto court (Cruz promptly burst into tears!) even if it was epically cute!

And then this lot went off and four more came on for a match of doubles - Rafael Nadal and Kim Clijsters against Roger Federer and Sam Stosur. These four weren't micced and I feel like this was a bit of a failing - all four of them were micced up last year and were good value for money (though Stosur was a bit quiet). However, you have nothing to complain about when you have seen... drumroll... FEDAL DOUBLES.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it happened. The players pretty soon switched sides and we had girls against boys. I'm sure I'm not the only tennis fan who thinks it would be legendary for these two to play some matches together, and this may be the closest we ever get to it! And they're not a bad team, either... even though they were holding back a bit... but not so much that the girls didn't beat them fair and square!

All in all, I cannot overstate the value of events like these, both for tennis and the wider community. This kind of exhbition allows the players to cut loose and put their personalities on show - something we don't see enough of - which really does attract new fans to the sport. And much more importantly, it was a major contribution to alleviating the crisis currently felt in Queensland. Over $1.5 million was raised by Rally For Relief, and that total is still rising. Please donate - support tennis and support Australia.

(Sidebar: Nicolas Mahut plays Brian Dabul third match up on Court 14 tomorrow. I will be there. Anyone else?)

Give Nicolas Mahut An Australian Open Wildcard. Now.

Seriously, where has Nicolas Mahut been all my life? Even when he loses, he does it very stylishly. And I love a dude with a sense of humour.

Please, Australian Open, if you have a spare wildcard lying around - maybe you left one under the sofa or something - give it to Nicolas Mahut. This dude gets so ripped off all the time, and he plays such awesome tennis. He has MAD SKILLZ. Come on, he's all famous now, after the whole Wimbledon shenanigan. He got shafted by his own federation, who gave the French wildcard to Benoit 'who?' Paire. Have some mercy. Support Nico.

He pushed Andy Murray all the way in the match in Perth tonight. I doubt Andy Murray knew what hit him at some points, to be honest. I know Nicolas is a grass court specialist, but he has some skillz on the hard courts too. He has a good tennis brain, some skillful shots and French flair, which is a wonderful combination - to watch, even if he doesn't always pull it off.

Nico isn't exactly up and coming. He's not the next big thing, he's never going to be in the top ten, he's not going to win a Slam. But he's exactly the kind of player that people like to watch. He has shots and style and he deserves to catch a break. Seriously, he has such extreme bad luck it is not fair. That Wimbledon match? Just the tip of the iceberg.

I meant to actually talk about the match a bit, instead of writing a plea for wildcardishness. Oops. Let's do that now. Whoever thought it would take Andy Murray two tiebreakers to see away Nico? And this match so easily could have gone to three sets... if Nico hadn't missed that shot at 5-all in the breaker in the second set I think it just might have. It was a very close match, and Nico deserved a set... but such is tennis, I suppose.

Watching him play, it makes you wonder how he is not ranked higher. Sure, he is a bit sketchy and has a few problems with execution sometimes, but he has got shots. And his first serve is right up there. There are plenty of players who don't have a serve as good as his. And if you want to know reliable it is, ask John Isner.

I'm glad that Mahut got the chance to play in the Hopman Cup. He is a wonderful character. And I love to watch him play, and I hope I'm not the only one. WILDCARD FOR MAHUT 2011. Spread the word.

Looking Back - Melbourne

It shouldn't be hard to guess that this was my absolute favourite result of the year. There are few things that make me more gleeful than the sight of Roger Federer kissing a Grand Slam trophy.

It seems a long time ago now, the Australian Open. The next one is right around the corner, and here's hoping we have a repeat result! But the ripple effect of this tournament was felt throughout the year - not so much for Federer, I think, who didn't really play this well again until after Wimbledon, but for a few other players, this tournament was massive.

This was about the midpoint of Rafa's 'slump' (note inverted commas), and it certainly wasn't his best tournament of the year... which might have had something to do with the fact that he was a bit injured. However, he did play some excellent tennis, and those two sets he played against Andy Murray were highly interesting stuff. It'll be interesting to see how he backs up at the tournament in 2011, presumably uninjured and with the wind of success firmly at his back.

But let's talk Murray, because I think this was where his year was set. Once again, he got to a Slam final. And this time, it was clear he expected himself to win. And he was absolutely humbled - totally brought low - by the might of Roger Federer. And even now, I don't know if he has fully recovered from that.

Oh, he's beaten Federer since. He's had some good results - you don't get to be the guy that played Rafa tight like that in London without a bit of something going on. But at the Slams this year, Murray has looked spectacularly unconvincing. For so long, everyone has said that it's only a matter of time until Andy gets a Slam. This year... we started to doubt that. And those seeds were planted in Australia.

Murray played some fantastic tennis. I will never forget that passing shot he hit against Cilic that totally got him back into that match. But that final - and, in particular, that tiebreaker - broke him and did some bad damage to his psyche. Whether or not he recovered from that is anyone's guess. I don't think he has - and I don't think he will until such time as he manages to lift a Slam trophy over his head. Recovering from doubt like that... well, it's not going to happen overnight. Or even overyear.

The other two semi finalists ended up being spectacular non events this year. Tsonga was injured and Cilic... well, I don't know where he went.

The tournament was Federer's, of course, and I could gush for a long time about how happy it made me. But I won't. I will just say this - the world is a lovely place when he has a trophy in his hands. It is, somehow, intrinsically right.