Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Flying To Brogota

How on earth did I end up writing what now appears to be a Rafa-centric TV series? This was not in my life plan. It was not dreamt of in my philosophy.

SCENE #1 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

On one side of the jet sits NOLE, hugging his Indian Wells trophy. On another sits RAFA, texting someone on his mobile phone.

NOLE: I'm so glad you agreed to play this exhibition with me, Rafa.

RAFA: What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

NOLE: We will have so much fun!

RAFA: Um, yeah, sure.

NOLE: Who are you texting?

RAFA (a little too quickly): Nobody. Uncle Toni. Lopez. Other Lopez. No one you know.

RAFA sends his text.

RAFA (whispering): Please text back.

NOLE: What?

RAFA: Nothing.



SCENE #2 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

ROGER is holding one of his kids in one arm, fixing his hair with the other. MY FRIEND STANLEY is sitting on the couch, the other twin crawling near his feet. The Homer Simpson doll is sitting on the table.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: So anyway, now we have matching trophies! I know our gold medals match, but now we have MORE matching stuff. Like shirts! Though you have more blue shirts than me now.

ROGER (distracted): Uh-huh.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: We are totally SO GOOD together, Roge.

ROGER's phone beeps.

ROGER: Oooh, a text! Can you get that for me, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Of course, Roge!

MY FRIEND STANLEY picks up ROGER's phone. Jump cut to the screen which says: 'Dear Rogelio, I am sorry Nole called me GOAT. Is impossible for me to be GOAT when you are GOAT. Please forgive me. Rafa.'

MY FRIEND STANLEY'S face darkens.

ROGER: What does it say?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... nothing. Wrong number.



SCENE #3 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Why did we agree to play this exhibition anyway? It is so inconvenient, no?

NOLE: I thought we could spend some more time together.

RAFA: You know we are very good friends, Nole, but we see each other all the time. Why do we need to spend more time together?

NOLE: Now that we are #1 and #2, we totally need to hang out more.

RAFA: Can we time it better next time?

NOLE: Good point.

Another pause.

NOLE: Maybe you should be president of Players' Council when the elections happen again. I could be your VP.

RAFA: Roger is president.

NOLE: But maybe you should be.

RAFA: No. Is impossible for me to be president, no? Rogelio is president.

NOLE: But for me, you are the greatest player of all time.

RAFA: I told you already before. You can't say that. Is stupid, no? Besides, you just beat me, so I cannot be the best.

NOLE: But you beat Roger all the time and you always say he's the best.

RAFA: Is different.

NOLE: No, it's not.

RAFA: Yes, it is.

NOLE: No.

RAFA: Yes.

NOLE: He likes My Friend Stanley more than you.

RAFA: Shut up!

NOLE: Oh, Rafa, I'm sorry. Don't cry.

RAFA (sniffing): I'm not crying.

NOLE: It's okay. So Roger likes My Friend Stanley more than you. Big deal.

RAFA: His name is Rogelio.

NOLE: I will be your new bro.

RAFA: I don't want a new bro. Besides, aren't you bros with Andy Murray now?

NOLE: Pfft. He fell asleep during our match. He's dumped. What do you think? I could be Brokovic.

RAFA: Novak. How can I say this?

NOLE: Brovak?

RAFA: I don't think -

NOLE: Creme Brole?

RAFA: Novak, I know we once had a very meaningful chest bump at the Hit For Haiti and I like you, I really do, but -

NOLE: Be my bro, Rafa!

RAFA: Let me explain it to you... through song.

The lights come down, the music comes up.

Love Story [tune by Taylor Swift, words by Jodi]

*

RAFA:

In Miami, I first played him

I close my eyes and see it again

Not yet eighteen

He had two Slams, not sixteen.

*

We played third round, and somehow I beat him

I was so stunned - I was thrilled just to meet him

He said, "Well done,"

And my heart was won.

*

He is Rogelio

He is the greatest ever

And everyone says, "You should be enemies!

"You're rivals, you're not friends

"And it should be so!"

*

But I say,

"Rogelio, let's go somewhere we can just hang out

"No one shouting that friendship's not what it's about.

"You be Sampras and I'll be Agassi

"But it's a love story, we're not enemies."

*

So we go off to play exhibitions

We giggle a lot, lose our inhibitions

We are best bros

Famous Ass and Potato Nose.

&

'Cause he's Rogelio

And I'm Raging Bull Rafa

And everyone says we should be enemies

Less crying and more shouting

We really should be foes!

&

But I say,

"Rogelio, hug me, you don't need to cry no more

"For every Slam I win I bet that you will win four

"You be Laver and I'll be Emerson

"It's a love story, let's go have fun.

%

"Rogelio, text me, I'll be waiting by the phone

"We are rivals but we don't have to be alone

"You be Lendl and I'll be McEnroe

"But it's a love story, because we are best bros."

&

But now he hangs with Stanley

And I wonder if he sees me at all

It hurts, it hurts badly

When he just doesn't answer my calls.

^

And I say,

"Rogelio, pick up, we haven't chattered for a while,

"Please don't ignore me - it's not your normal style

"Is impossible

"For you to like Stan more,"

He picks up the phone

And closes the door and says,

"How are you, Rafa, I've missed you so badly!

"I really don't like My Good Friend Stanley!

"He's so annoying - how didn't I know?

"We're a love story - you are my best bro!"

NOLE: One, your imagination is terrifying. Two, you know love means nothing in tennis, right?

RAFA: Rogelio and I are bros. Look, Novak, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me.

NOLE: But I am #2 now.

RAFA: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but -

NOLE: But our matches are so much better! Remember Madrid, man? 2009? You and me... good times.

RAFA: And then Roger beat me in the final. He is the greatest of all time.

NOLE: Dude. You have an inferiority complex. For serious. I don't know what you see in him.



SCENE #4 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

ROGER is illuminated in glowing light. The wind machine is on. In slow motion, he pushes his hair out his eyes.

AX #1: The Hallelujah Chorus.



SCENE #5 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: Well, you and I could never have matching haircuts. I couldn't pull off the Bert like you do, Nole.

RAFA pulls out his phone again. He is about to start texting when it rings.

RAFA: Hello?

SCENE #6 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I know what happened at the trophy ceremony.



SCENE #7 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA.

RAFA: Well, it was televised, no?



SCENE #8 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Roge will be very disappointed. Actually, he won't, because he likes me more than you.



SCENE #9 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

RAFA: His. Name. Is. Rogelio.

In the background, NOLE rolls his eyes.



SCENE #10 [INT] - A CUPBOARD IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM

MY FRIEND STANLEY: You may have tried to back pedal, and say it was all stupid that Novak thinks you're the GOAT, but -

Suddenly, the door opens. ROGER has opened it.

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?



SCENE #11 [INT] - A PRIVATE JET, FLYING FROM INDIAN WELLS TO BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. You are so whipped.

RAFA: Whatever.

NOLE: Was that a yes-whatever or a no-whatever?

RAFA: ...I think I will take a siesta now.

NOLE: But we're nearly there! We'll be landing in Bogota soon!

A pause.

NOLE: Or should I say... BROgota?

RAFA: Nole. No.