Never Ever

It is no secret that I have never, ever been on board with Novak Djokovic. We've never appealed to each other, so to speak (because he obviously totally knows who I am and spends his life seeking my approval). I don't think I'm ever going to be on board that Djokotrain. But HOT DAMN, he is playing some absolutely ridonkulous tennis at the moment.

I never, ever believed that Djokovic could become #1. Nuh-uh. Never gonna happen. If he was born in a different era, sure. But with Roger and Rafa around? No way, Jose. Djokovic might pull the odd win over them, but he was going to stay in his goddamn place.

Turns out Novak Djokovic doesn't believe in the status quo. And that has made me believe that... hey, actually, yeah, maybe he could get to #1 after all. I don't know about staying there - baby steps - but get there? I'm not going to say never ever any more.

The way he played today against Rafael Nadal - who is currently ranked #1 for a damn good reason - was outstanding and it was terrifying. If I'm Rafa, I'm feeling worse about this match than I would have over a two set routine Djokowin. We saw something today from Djokovic that I, for one, have never really seen in him before - he outfought Nadal, who is the biggest fighter in the game today and arguably ever. He outgritted the toughest, grittiest, raging bull-iest man in the world. And it was not dreamt of in my philosophy. Not at all.

The streak now stands at 26, I believe. There's still a way to go before Djokovic approaches that McEnroe streak of 39, and we'd have to get a lot closer to that number before we consider the possibility of it being broken. But this is without a doubt the best start to a season anyone has ever had. To win the Australian Open, go undefeated through February and March and then take out the Indian Wells/Miami double. Holy mother of God, that is really, really scary.

It's right, I think, that the man giving him the biggest challenge is Rafa. I'm not about to proclaim Rafa and Creme Brole the new Fedal or anything, because Fedal is forever (I'm a traditionalist). But there is no denying that these two dudes play wonderfully compelling matches, and that they are the best two in the world right now... and Novak has the edge.

It is going to be so, so interesting to see what happens once we get on the clay... which is pretty much, like, now. This is the time for Rafa to catch fire, like he always does. Unfortunately for Rafa, 'catching fire' also means 'shit ton of points to defend' and Novak is snapping at his heels like an angry terrier. And if Djokovic can beat Nadal on the clay - especially if he can beat him more than once - I'm going to be more than terrified. And I won't be the only one.

(I hate you and your refusal to believe in paragraphs, Blogspot! Apologies again for the spacing - one day I'll work out how to fix this!)

Paragraph Woes

My issues with Blogspot and its refusal to believe in paragraphs continue. Back tomorrow to talk about the men's final and to wrangle with it some more. (Congrats, Vika!)

Another Brick In The Wall

Roger Federer played his match against Rafael Nadal tonight like he had a dinner reservation (and considering it is his special lady friend's birthday, he probably does). Once he started losing, he just... kept doing it.

Let's just say that it was not my favourite Federer match - or Federer loss - of all time. He seemed like he had his crankypants on the entire time. And he made 38 unforced errors.

And he was wearing that grey outfit which makes him look like a giant wall. I am not a fan of Roger in grey. He's always referred to as an artist, so give him a freaking palette, all right?

Rafa, on the other hand, was wearing a midori-and-pineapple technicolour dreamcoat and I thought he played exceptionally well tonight. If he can play this way tomorrow against Djokovic, I think he has a swell chance of winning. And if it's not going to be Roger to break that streak, I feel like it should be Rafa. And with the clay season approaching, that would be such a powerful message to send...

Anyway, although Roger looked a little out of sorts in this match, I don't think it was any kind of pre-existing condition or anything he was carrying in. He made way too many errors, but the fact of the matter is that Nadal was playing so well he didn't give Roger too many chances. I talked the other day about how the rankings aren't lying at the moment - Fedalovic really are so far above everyone else it's just not funny. Well, Indian Wells and Miami have demonstrated that Rafa and Novak really are #1 and #2 at the moment (in no specific order, though if Novak wins Miami tomorrow, I think there really will be a specific order).

Roger has some work to do. But although there seems to be a lot of apocalyptic disaster talk around - and the dispassionate performance he turned in today against Rafa won't help it - he's still played great this year. When the only guys you're losing to are guys ranked above you, then you're doing pretty well. Roger Federer will be all right - hell, he is all right. Sometimes you get outplayed. Such is the nature of the game.

Nadal/Djokovic tomorrow is going to be a super intriguing match. I'd love to watch it, but as it's on at 3am my time, I don't think this is going to happen. It's rare that what's intriguing about a natch is defense, but these two dudes are the best at it in the game right now, no question. I'm hoping for some loooooooooong rallies and some sweet-ass shotmaking. It has the makings of an eminently watchable match... even for those who probably won't be able to watch it!

...and then comes clay...

Dotty

So I am seriously behind in my blogging. In the spirit of the new media we're experiencing here beyond the baseline this year, today will be presented in dot points.

• Djokovic won again.


• Now he plays Fish.


• I wonder who will win. Hmmm. That is a tough one.


• Roger got through too.


• It was a much easier match than the last time he played Simon.


• Now he plays Rafa.


• I genuinely do wonder who will win that one.


• Either way, they are still best bros. Count on it.

The Balding God Is Made Man; or, Some Pun About Fish

So. This Mardy Fish thing. It's a big deal why?

Maybe I just don't understand the significance of being the top player for your country. As long as I can remember, the top Australian guy has been Lleyton Hewitt, and that has not changed. Actually, I lie - the top guy might always have been Lleyton Hewitt, but I've seen a number of top ladies, including Molik, Stosur, Dellacqua and Dokic. And I just do not get why it is such a big deal that he is now ranked higher than Andy Roddick.

Seriously, do Fish and Roddick themselves care? Did Roddick text Fish and be all 'dude, you are now officially better than me, that is a thing?' Did that mean for all these years the American dudes were worshipping at the altar of Roddick like he was some sort of balding god? Why, why is it a thing that Fish and Roddick have done a swapsie in internal rankings? It's not a big deal that Fish is now ranked higher than... oh, I don't know, Monfils. Why does it matter so much more when it's Roddick?

And this isn't even the first time this has happened to A-Rod - he went through exactly the same thing with James Blake a few years back. And no one remembers that now. So I doubt anyone is going to remember this.

I don't want to belittle what Fish has done in this tournament, because he has done some great things. Beating David 'Lord Farquaad' Ferrer is not a thing of easiness. Neither is beating, oh, I don't know, Juan Martin del freaking Potro. But no one is paying attention to what he's actually done - not any more. No, it's all about some random permutation of a computer algorithm.

So. Internal rankings. Why do they matter? Should they matter? Because I, personally, think they are a bit rubbish. Discuss.

They're So High (High Above Me, They're So Lovely)

We talk a lot about echelons in tennis - about the upper echelons, the middle ones, the lower ones, the upper-middle, the upper-upper, the upper-upper-upper... pretty much any echelon you want to think of, someone's probably talked about it.

The one we talk about most, however, is probably that extreme upper echelon - namely, who belongs to it. It used to be just Federer, all by himself. Then Rafa got in on the game, and then Djokovic a bit later, and then Murray a bit later again. Soderling's laid his claim to it. People are always talking about who the next big thing is, the one that will take that top echelon by storm. (Raonic and Dolgopolov seem to be the most popular candidates at the moment.)

But in reality, in tennis right now, that upper echelon has three men in it. And they are playing so much better than the rest of the field that it is just not funny. Rafa. Roger. Creme Brole. (Not necessarily in that order.) These guys are SO HIGH (high above me, they're so lovely.)

Let's review 2011 for these guys. Djokovic, as we know, has not lost a single match. Federer has only lost to Djokovic. Nadal has lost to Djokovic and to a couple of other dudes, but there was an injury cloud there for a moment (and now we're going into the clay season, where his dominance is totally unquestioned). The reason they are doing so well at the moment is because of pure consistency. These guys either a) don't lose or b) only lose to each other.

It sounds simple, that the guys at the top are the ones that aren't losing. But it seems to be a surprisingly tough concept for people to grasp sometimes.

Soderling had an excellent run for a while there - he won three out of four tournaments entered, with only that one loss to Dolgopolov marring his record. But now, in this US swing? Early, nasty losses. And he's dropped back down to #5...

...which is really odd, when you consider that the dude going back to #4 is Andy Murray, who has not won a set since he collapsed against Djokovic at the Australian Open. NOT ONE SINGLE SET. I know we've all heard this and we all talk about it, but seriously. NOT A SINGLE SET. Not even against Alex Bogomolov Jr, otherwise known as 'who?'

Murray has the talent and ability to reach that Fedalovic platform. No doubt. But if he's going to be such a mental midget, it is just NOT going to happen. These kind of losses... you could deal with one. The string he has is completely unacceptable.

We all love the streaky, unpredictable players - the Tsongas, the Safins, the Dolgopolovs. But to get to the top and stay there, you have to do one thing: win. And the complete collapse of the top ten in Miami this week has demonstrated exactly which dudes are doing that, and which dudes need to go back to the drawing board.

(Look! Paragraphs! Apologies for the crazy-ass spacing, but Blogger has been an absolute tosspot to me. Has anyone else found this?)

Still No Paragraphs

No paragraphs today. Roger's calling another meeting of the Bround table, because this Miami tournament is getting freaking weird. And also Blogger is getting super weird on me and isn't let me write paragraphs anyway.

WTF Andy Murray?!

That is literally the only sensible thing that can be said about today.

Sombrebro

...I did not intend to write this, much as I never intended to become the author of a Rafa-centric soapie about how much he loves Roger. But I wrote one of the songs, and the rest could not help but follow.

Sorry.




SCENE #1 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: My Friend Stanley? What are you doing in the closet?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I was... counting your shirts. And sorting them for you - pale through to dark. I thought you would like that.

ROGER: Wow, that is very thoughtful of you, My Friend Stanley! But you have got it all wrong. I have learned all about fashion from my good friend Anna Wintour.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Silly me!

ROGER: Come on out of the closet, My Friend Stanley!

MY FRIEND STANLEY follows ROGER out of the closet. Close up on ROGER's phone, which is in MY FRIEND STANLEY's pocket.



SCENE #2 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

RAFA is getting ready for the match. He puts on his green shirt.

RAFA: You would look so nice in green, Rogelio.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

NOLE: Dude. He doesn't love you back. Deal with it. Get over it. He isn't going to call.

RAFA: He will call. He is Rogelio. He always calls. He is a true champion. He always does what is needed. He is the GOAT. The GOAT of tennis and of bros.

NOLE: Rafa. Is he giving you what you need?

RAFA: He gives me love. That is enough.

NOLE: Rafa. Tennis. Love means nothing.

A silence.

NOLE: Bros shouldn't treat you like this. That's why I dumped Andy Murray. He was always playing Playstation all the time, never had time to bro out.

RAFA: I thought it was because he fell asleep during our match.

NOLE: Probably because he was up so late playing Playstation. He should be bros with the Playstation, I swear.

RAFA: Why do you want to be bros so badly, Nole?

NOLE: We are #1 and #2 now. That's how it should be. It's meant to be.

RAFA: Rogelio and I are meant to be.



SCENE #3 [INT] - RAFA'S MIND

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

RAFA and ROGER skip through the streets of Zurich in slow motion, smiling and laughing. ROGER buys RAFA an ice cream and they eat them with wrists linked. They feed some ducks in a pond some bread. ROGER hides behind a tree. RAFA looks for him. ROGER jumps out, RAFA pretends to be shocked, and they embrace like the bros they are.

Then they are playing tennis on the water court, and the water and the sweat is glistening on them like diamonds. They shake hands at the net. A stray Lindt chocolate curl is hanging in ROGER's eyes. Ever so gently, RAFA fixes for it.

RAFA: There. All better.

ROGER: You are such a good bro, Rafa.



SCENE #4 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

NOLE: Dude. That is deeply creepy.

RAFA: Is impossible for you to understand, no? You and Andy Murray were only ever fake bros. Rogelio and I have something special.

NOLE: Maybe you did - once. But he's dumped you for My Friend Stanley now. Let me explain it to you... through song.

SONG #1 - Federer, Not Betterer
[Tune: Tainted Love by Soft Cell, words by Jodi]

NOLE:

Rogelio
Is really
Not your bro
He doesn't
Love you so
It's obvious that he hangs with My Friend Stanley
It's become clear
That you are
Not dear
You've texted nine times
Now, Rafa, read between the lines!

It was him and you (you two)
Now I am ranked two
The Federyears are over
Come on, let's roll in the clover
I'll be your bro and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Don't you think he doesn't
Treat you right
Ignores you
Out of spite
Prefers to hang out with My Friend Stanley
You deserve more
So shut that
Federdoor
I know he's all that you know
But I promise I'll be a better bro!

I am Creme Brole (Nole)
And I will make your day
Look, here's a great sombrero!
It's a gift because I care, bro!
Let's be bros and we'll have awesome times!
Federer
Not betterer

Put down that phone
Roger deserves to be alone!
He chose My Friend Stanley over you
Now you must make a big choice too!
Federer
Not betterer
Federer
Not betterer
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Choose me, Rafa
Not Roger
Federer
Not betterer
Not betterer


RAFA (wavering): Look, Nole, I see what you're saying, but is impossible for me to dump Rogelio.

RAFA's phone beeps.

RAFA: See! He does care, no?



SCENE #5 [INT] - SOMEWHERE IN ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN MIAMI

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Muahahahahahahaha.

ROGER: Why are you laughing, My Friend Stanley?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: ...no reason.



SCENE #6 [INT] - THE LOCKER ROOM IN BOGOTA

The phone falls nervelessly from RAFA's hands. A close up of the screen. It is a picture of ROGER and MY FRIEND STANLEY, arms around each other, captioned 'best bros forever'. Homer Simpson is sitting on ROGER's cap.

NOLE: Rafa? Are you okay?

Close up of RAFA's face. He is somewhere between hysterical tears and the Incredible Hulk.

RAFA: Give me that sombrero.



SCENE #7 [EXT] - THE EXHIBITION AT BOGOTA

A montage of RAFA and NOLE bro-ing out. They play a bit of tennis, carry some hilarious Spanish-style man-bags, laugh while wearing their ridiculous sombreros... and then they dance. There is LOTS of dancing. Eventually, NOLE dips RAFA. They look like total bros. And then the screen widens and widens until...



SCENE #8 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

...ROGER is watching NOLE and RAFA bro out on television, and there is a tear in his eye.

ROGER: Rafa. Why? Did I not giggle enough with you? What happened? Why are you there bro-ing out with Nole? I thought we were bros.

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I am your bro, Roge! I will be the best bro of all the bros! We can be all Swiss! I will help pick up the garbage when Andy Murray throws it at you!

ROGER: ...what?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: I have been watching a lot of YouTube lately. When I haven't been on Twitter. Want to take a picture with Homer, Roge? Or... we could call him Bromer!

ROGER: Not now. Have you seen my phone?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Um... no. I could call you Broge!

ROGER: I need my phone - is that my phone in your pocket or -

MY FRIEND STANLEY: Oh! How did that get there?

ROGER turns his back on MY FRIEND STANLEY and dials.



SCENE #9 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

NOLE: See? Wasn't that fun? Isn't it fun to chill with a bro who treats you right?

RAFA: I had a good time, Novak. Thank you.

NOLE: Are you sure you won't consider 'Creme Brole'?

RAFA: Is impossible for me to call you that. Nole is good enough for me.

NOLE's face darkens.

NOLE: You called him Rogelio.

RAFA: Well, a Slam isn't won in a day, no?

RAFA's phone rings.

RAFA: Excuse me. Must be Other Lopez. He keeps calling me all the time. Hello?



SCENE #10 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Rafa?



SCENE #11 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

A moment of breathless silence.

RAFA: ...Rogelio?

NOLE: Hang up now, Rafa. Hang up now. He doesn't deserve to be bros with you.



SCENE #12 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: Is that Novak?



SCENE #13 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: Yes. I am sorry that I betrayed your bro-hood, Rogelio. This thing with Nole... it meant nothing to me. I am so, so sorry.



SCENE #14 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: It's all right, Rafa. I haven't been giving you what you need. I didn't get your texts - my phone somehow mysteriously fell into My Friend Stanley's pocket. But did Novak have to be your rebound bro? Anyway, isn't he bros with Andy Murray?



SCENE #15 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: They BROke up.



SCENE #16 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: But they're playing doubles together in Miami.



SCENE #17 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: What? Novak, is this true? Are you and Andy Murray still together? Are you playing doubles?

NOLE: I was going to tell you, Rafa, I really was.

RAFA: I feel dirty.



SCENE #18 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: No, it's my fault, Rafa. I've been all distracted by My Friend Stanley and matching shirts and I forgot what's really important. You are very, very special to me. Let me explain it... in song.


SONG #2 - Rafa Nadal
[Tune: 'Lady In Red' by Chris de Burgh; words by Jodi]

ROGER:
I've never met somebody who looked so good in a sombrero
Rocked a Spanish man bag so
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I've never met somebody who could hit a forehand quite so fast
Hit it hard with so much class
With a famous ass.

When I saw you dancing with Nole
My heart just broke in two - it should be me
You should dance with me

Rafa Nadal
Play tennis with me
Be my bro
Ditch Djokovic
Please tell him no
Because I love you so
I've treated you bad
Stanley had my phone
Rafa, forgive me
Don't leave me on my own.

I've never seen somebody dance the salsa like you dance the dance
Hope I haven't wasted my chance
Dumped me for Nole.

I've never seen somebody with a haircut as awesome as yours
Except when I look in mirrors
You take my breath away.

When you say my name - 'Rogelio'
My breath catches in my throat
For we are GOAT
Bro, we are GOAT.

Rafa Nadal
Please don't forget me
Don't leave me
We should still chill
Though I am ranked #3
Not where I wanna be
You know I'm right
No one can compare
Stan and I share shirts
But you and I share hair
Please never forget
Just how much I care.

Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
Rafa Nadal
My Rafa Nadal
You're my bro.


SCENE #19 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA wipes away tears.

RAFA: That is the most beautiful song anyone has ever sung to me. Including Shakira.



SCENE #20 [INT] - ROGER'S HOTEL ROOM IN KEY BISCAYNE

ROGER: I have to go, Rafa, my singing woke the kids up. But we'll hang out when you come to Miami. Maybe we can have a special Swiss campfire?

MY FRIEND STANLEY: But campfires are our thing!



SCENE #21 [INT] - THE AIRPORT IN BOGOTA

RAFA: I would like that. Is impossible for me not to love that. I see you soon.

RAFA hangs up and then turns to face NOLE.

NOLE: I was going to tell you about me and Andy Murray, I swear... when the time was right.

RAFA: Novak. I have no confidence in you now.

NOLE: But...we had fun, didn't we? Wearing matching clothes... dancing... doing bro things in Brogota...

RAFA: Is called Bogota. No more Brogota. I have only one best bro, and his name -

Close up on RAFA's happy, beaming face.

RAFA: - is Rogelio.

Thinking Andy

I don't know who you were expecting to be the best performer of US hardcourt season mk 1 - hell, I don't know who I was expecting it to be. But I certainly wasn't expecting it to be Andy Roddick. Though, I have to say, I am quite glad that it is.

I am very glad that he pulled out this victory - actually, 'pulled out' is the wrong phrase to use. He dominated T-Berd from beginning to end in the match today. He absolutely owned this match - and, indeed, this tournament. Only two tiebreakers kept him from winning the Indian Wells/Miami double. And if he had done that one, well...

I think Roddick has been due for this excellent little spell - he's deserved it, if nothing else, and he needed it, if he was ever going to come back from Wimbledon last year. That loss at the very end hurt him worse than any early round exit could have done, because it got him square in the mind. But today, he thought his way to this victory.

It's really the mind that makes or breaks Andy Roddick. His game is excellent - the fact that he's been solidly at the top of the game for the better part of a decade shows this perfectly. But the moment when he transcends that line and goes from being a good player to a great one is when he thinks. That's the Roddick that turned up at Wimbledon last year and that's the Roddick it seemed, for a little while, that that Wimbledon killed.

But that's the Roddick that turned up here this week, and he is definitely coming away with the tennis equivalent of Man of the Match for these few post-Australia months. How will this translate onto clay...? Let's wait and see.

Venus Ascending

So I bet Venus Williams isn't feeling too pleased with herself right now. To get absolutely smashed like she got in the final of Miami... well, no one likes that. And I imagine it's pretty hard to simply be glad you got to the final (a la Federer in Roland Garros in 2008).

We have to talk about Kimmie for a little bit, because, come on, that was seriously Kimpressive. There have been a few question marks over her since Australia and that weird loss to Nadia Petrova - was the US Open a fluke? I have to give that one a big resounding no. Kim's comeback is THE comeback against which all comebacks will be judged, even that of her Belgian compatriot and, arguably, tennis superior Justine Henin. The Kim now is better than the Kim then, and I don't think anyone will naysay that.

The Kim then probably couldn't have whaled on Venus like the Kim now did, but I think Venus has to wear a lot of today's loss. She checked out, plain and simple. She just didn't show up to the match. There are definitely two Venuses: the awesome Venus, who has been here for the majority of this week, and the not-awesome Venus. And the not-awesome Venus isn't like Rafa's evil twin Shmafa, who is still a pretty good player. The not-awesome Venus is... well, not awesome.

This said, and this hard loss taken, I think this has been a great result for Venus this week. She has been strong for a couple of months now - it's easy to forget how well she did in Australia because of that dreadful match she played in the quarters, but hello, the quarters is pretty good. And then you have her sweet results in Acapulco and whatnot... Venus has been coming hard all year, and I would argue she's looked better in the early part of this year than she has in a couple of years.

So watch out for Venus on the red stuff - because if she's coming hard now, I think she's going to come hard in the leadup to Paris. And in Wimbledon? That's Venus's turf. And if she continues wearing her awesomepants to matches (unlike today) she is going to be a serious force to be reckoned with.

Shmafa Back In The Picture

Yeah, so, it was not really Rafa that turned up to play Andy Roddick today. It was Shmafa, through and through, Shmafa-ing about and missing balls and making bad play decisions... Shmafa who is still good but not quite good enough. Another one bites the dust for Rafa.

It is almost impossible to conceive that Rafa has not won a title in almost a year - not since Rome last year, if I am not mistaken. Now this is crazy.

But you know who Rafa is looking a lot like at the moment - apart from his evil alter ego Shmafa? He is looking a great deal like another great man did about a year ago - one Roger Federer. One racquet-smashing, 'thank God the gard court season is over' Roger Federer.

And what happened to Roger Federer after that hard court season? Well, there were a couple of tough losses early on, in Monte Carlo and Rome, but then there was a big, big win in Madrid, and an absolute epic of a grinding victory in Paris on the red clay of Roland Garros.

And is there a safer bet than Rafa Nadal in Roland Garros?

So fear not, Rafanatics. Rafa will rise again. Count on it.

Miami Nice

You know who really, really might win this tournament? Robin Soderling. He is playing like a total gun right now. This would be the victory that would totally confirm his status in the top ten, the run that started at Roland Garros last year.

But then I also want Rafa to win. And Roddick. It really looks like we might be set for another happy final like in Indian Wells. It's rare I'm satisfied with the outcome of a tournament when Federer's been knocked out relatively early, but if can get a Yoker/Rafa or a Yoker/A-Rod final, I will be very satisfied indeed. The other contender is Berdych... I can take or leave him. But the other three? Happy whoever wins.

The women's final is also an interesting sitch. I was really looking forward to the Henin/Clijsters match, but even though it went for a thousand hours, it didn't meet the highs of Brisbane. It was decided on errors more than anything else, and JuJu cracked first. Disappointing.

But Clijsters is through, where she will face Venus. This is a happy final, really - people have been talking smack about Venus for a little bit and hopefully this finals appearance will fix this. Same with Kimmie - since that weird loss to Petrova, she's been a bit funked out. Whoever wins, this is a good result. And it's people who should be in the final being in the final, not a whoever loses last.

Good times.

Shmafa Out of Sight

It is super hard to believe that it has been ten months since Rafa Nadal won a title. Anyone who watched him play against Jo-Willy today... well, the Rafa that turned up today is the fierce, true steely Rafa, Captain of the Fight or Die (mostly Fight) squad. I love that Rafa. That dude is fierce.

Since his defeat at Roland Garros, we've seen an awful lot of Shmafa, Rafa's evil twin. Shmafa is still a pretty rad player - he is still, I would say, top ten, and he still wins a lot of stuff, but he's not the dude that won four Roland Garroses in a row, that is for sure. He's the dude that exhibits a little uncertainty, maybe misses an easy shot at a routine moment... the dude that is a half, a quarter, an eighth of a step short of what he should be, and you can tell it frustrates him.

But there was no sign of Shmafa today. It was Rafa, the true, the original and the best, that whaled on Jo-Dub and totally beat him into submission. And as Rafa himself knows, it takes a lot to beat Jo-Dub down.

This probably isn't a popular sentiment, coming from someone so strongly aligned with Camp Fed, but I really hope Rafa cleans up here in Miami. I hope he wins and wins good and carries that momentum forward into the clay season and plays like a god. I hope we don't see Shmafa for a long, long time - because good as Shmafa is, tennis isn't tennis with Rafa.

R-Fed Frustrated

Oh, Roger. T-Berd? Really?

I don't think the two losses Roger has taken in Indian Wells and Miami are indicative of much of anything. Certainly, I wouldn't go ascribing dire death spiral-ness to it like people have been with Djokovic and Murray. But what it really is very annoying - both for the fans and for Roger himself.

Against both Baghdatis and Berdych, he's held match points and been in a winning position and then thrown it away. In neither match did the true Roger really show up, but he fought his way to the bitter end only to get pipped at the post. It's not the end of the universe, but it's very frsutrating.

This is definitely not a 'thank God the hard court season is over' moment like last year, but I suspect one Mr Federer will be glad to step onto the clay. He's assured the #1 ranking for a while yet and I think the change of pace will calm him down and do him good. He has the ability to snap out of bad mindsets - and I think when he steps on the clay, the frustration will seep away also.

I hope, anyway.

Dangerous Belgians

I rated Justine Henin 'hot' on the hot or not scale a few days ago, and I would like to raise that to 'absolutely smokin' hot'. Damn, that girl is playing well.

It's been all 'oooh, your comeback's not so great now, is it, haw haw haw' since JuJu lost to A-Kley in Indian Wells, which really doesn't take into account the fact that a) A-Kley had mad skillz and b) it was a third set breaker. JuJu is absolutely steamrolling her opponents at the moment. This is one lady you do not want to face across the net. Elena Dementieva, who has met her early on in two tournaments now, must be doing the Dance of Joy, because after this tournament, JuJu will be back inside the top thirty and thus will be no more a dangerous floater.

Speaking of dangerous Belgians, Kim Clijsters was absolutely fierce against Victoria Azarenka today. Sure, Vika crumbled like too-dry pastry in the second set, but it was the face of the Clijsters Onslaught, which is enough to frustrate any player to tears (or violence - just ask Serena). I really wouldn't be surprised to see a Belgian take out this tournament - I just couldn't tell you which one.

And you know who else is a genuine contender? Sammy Stosur. She put a bit of a beating on Jelena Jankovic today, which, considering JJ beat her last week pretty easily, is a job well done indeed. If Sam can keep her head and not have one of those random match meltdowns she can be prone to, she has a great shot at the crown here. Wouldn't that be a great way to open her account as a top ten player...?

Nadalbandian

I can't wait for David Nalbandian to be back to normal. I cannot wait.

Personality wise, Bandy leaves a lot to be desired. He's not the most engaging guy. But he is definitely one of the most engaging guys on the court. The phrase 'lazy brilliance' has been bandied (ah, punnage) about and I can definitely see it. When he has got some matches under his belt... watch out for this dude. And if he comes through the clay season unscathed, watch out for him on grass. He is going to be fearsome.

Of course, he ran into Rafa today, but he still managed to take a set off the dude. And given the steely determination Rafa must have when he plays Bandy, having lost so much to him in the past - this is pretty good. I've got my eyes on you, Bandy. I expect big things.

And I also expect big things from Rafa. I would not be at all surprised if he snaps this title drought - maybe not this very second, but certainly the second he steps on the clay - and then goes on one of his tears where he doesn't lose for 6937493728 matches again. I think the steel is really coming back for Rafa, and even when his body lets him down, that steel can see him through. And I look forward to seeing it.

And I look forward to seeing more engaging Nadalbandian battles, because this really is one of the most interesting match ups in the sport!

Slumpy II: Electric Boogaloo

Well, it seems we cannot talk about Miami this year without talking about big league players who have been spectacularly upset. I wrote a week or so ago about how the media might start characterising Andy Murray as 'Slumpy' if he doesn't get his head in the game... however, I think he has stiff competition from Novak Djokovic there.

So, Novak. You're #2 now, eh. Good for you. You know what players ranked #2 generally don't do? Lose to Olivier Rochus.

Don't get me wrong - mini Rochus has got some mojo. He's fast like a road runner. However, he is about as tall as a garden gnome and someone who has reached the heights that Djokovic has reached should be smashing him like a guitar. I'm not quite sure what's going on with the Djoker here - whether this is just a continuation of his not-so-hot form or whether he has a Rochus thing, because his head with Rochus is not great, if I am not mistaken.

But let's face it - a player at this level should not be losing this match. Rochus is not one of the players in the draw that you look at and go 'dangerous floater'. He's not that spectacular any more. But neither, it would seem, is Novak.

Or Andy Murray, actually. At least Rochus is ranked inside the top hundred - Mardy Fish is outside it and he served Murray his own arse today. I'm not Fish's biggest fan but he does have some dangerous elements to his game, I suppose... except you know who else is supposed to be dangerous? Murray. He's supposed to be nigh on lethal. But no. Let's just lose. Slumpy ahoy - watch out, Andy, the media is coming. And they're probably all British, too.

Huge F*cking Idiot

Okay, firstly, Mardy Fish, I rescind my not-hot assessment of you yesterday. I'm still not a massive fan of your game and I don't think you're going to achieve too much more in your career, but if you're going to go and beat Andy Murray in straights, you deserve my respect. Kudos, dude.

Secondly, I think we can all agree that Wayne Odesnik is a huge f*cking idiot.

Drugs and sport do not belong together. If you look at the drug scandals we've had in tennis over the past few years, they're comparatively tame compared to what Odesnik has tried to do. We've had some cocaine scandals - Gasquet and Hingis spring to mind - and then some not turning up to drug tests/reporting whereabouts deals with Wickmayer and Malisse. But to try and smuggle eight vials of human growth hormone into Australia (a country, by the way, with such tight border controls that even the most minute fleck of soil could see you quarantined)?

You f*cking idiot.

There have been a number of reactions to this whole saga and a lot oh-my-god-Odesnik-is-coached-by-Canas-and-Canas-served-a-drug-ban and all that kind of thing, but I think Andy Roddick's reaction is my favourite and the one I endorse the most. He said:

"That's just plain cheating, and they should throw him out of tennis. There's just no room for it."

Word, A-Rod.

The WADA ban for this is two years, but this kind of offence in a sport as clean as tennis is pretty much unforgivable. If Odesnik were to be slapped with a lifetime ban, you would hear no word out of protest from me. Because let's face it - the dude is a huge f*cking idiot.

Dudes' Hot or Not in Miami

I hot-or-notted the ladies of Miami yesterday - surprise, surprise, today it's time of the dudes. (Sidebar - I know I was all like 'Alicia Molik is crushing her opponents' the other day and today she got double bagelled. I still think she's cool).

Okay. Dudes.

Hot: Yen-hsun Lu. He's back inside the top hundred and he's going up. He's had some injury problems but when Rendy plays well, he's awesome. Love this kid.

Not: Nicolas Lapentti. I know he and his brother did that big Davis Cup thing last year, but I think it's heading towards lacy, gently wafting curtains for Nico.

Hot: Marsel Ilhan. He's a Turkish sensation and he's screaming up the rankings. What an exciting new face (and new nationality, for tennis) in the game!

Not: Juan Ignacio Chela. I'm pretty sure the defining moments of his career will be his spats with Lleyton Hewitt. He hasn't been very impressive for a while now.

Hot: Philipp Petzschner. The more I see of this guy the more I like him. He's got some real fire in his tennis and I think there are bright things ahead.

Not: Mardy Fish. I'm just not feeling it. I know he sometimes comes through as a surprise in tournaments and ends up really deep, but he just doesn't do it for me.

Hot: Peter Luczak. No secrets about how much I dig Mr Milkshake. Really excited about his future as we head into the clay season.

Not: Stephane Robert. This may seem a little unfair, but he's suddenly turned up in the top hundred and I have no idea where he's come from. Judgment reserved until I actually see him do something.

Anyone I've missed?