A Bizarre Image Which Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Sometimes cupcakes have teeth.

(How is that for a weird mental image?)

We had what has to be one of the best night session lineups in the history of ever in Indian Wells tonight - Rafa playing first, Roger playing second. It does not get any better than that, end of story. And their opponents? Cupcake #1 and Cupcake #2. But these cupcakes... they were the kind with teeth. They weren't quite haggis vindaloo, but they were the kind of cupcakes you'd choke and splutter on. These cupcakes played well above their rankings. And good on them both.

Rafa's cupcake was Somdev Devvarman, he who had a pretty sweet Davis Cup win over Janko Tipsarevic a little while ago and who is in pretty good form. Still, if you're opponent's Rafa, you're essentially a cupcake by default. But Somdev really, REALLY did not play like one. I don't know if there's any gooey, moist cupcake in the world anywhere in the world who can serve at 75%. Them's some good numbers, yo.

Devvarman was ranked #100 the last time I checked... which, to be fair, was round about the same time as the Commonwealth Games, so it's a while. I assume it's changed a bit. But no matter where he's ranked, I feel pretty confident in saying that he is going to move up soon. He's playing with real confidence right now - with teeth, in fact. He's sinking them into matches and, like a tiger shark, not letting go. Rafa got him in straights today, but they were tight ones. A little experience was all Somdev was needing - Rafa won both sets on a crucial break right at the end. If he plays a few more tournaments the way he played this one, Somdev won't give up those breaks any more.

Roger had the one cupcake left in his haggis vindaloo draw... though you wouldn't have been able to tell. Harrison plays differently from Devvarman - his style is less 'sink your teeth in' and more 'I HAVE NO FEAR'. Aside from a few opening nerves, he appeared almost wholly undaunted by the situation. Federer, who is capable of winning cupcake-y factors on daunt factor alone, was a little taken by surprise with this, I think. Harrison is only eighteen years old (I think... he's a teenager anyway), but he demonstrated both today and yesterday against Milos Raonic that he's capable of playing at a much higher level than his age. He has the emotional maturity, I think, that a lot of juniors are lacking. Or that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

These two cupcakes, even though they both lost in straights, both put up excellent performances. The same can not be said for Vile Troicki, who is supposed to be a good player and who got sent to the bakery by Djokovic. Djokovic is playing amazingly at the moment - ain't no one gonna deny that - but for serious, Viktor? That's just silly.

Also silly was the fact that I was right - Gasquet really is a bit of a contender in this tournament, capable of stringing wins together against anyone if he doesn't think too hard and no one's looking. Despite what I said yesterday, I fully expected him to lose today. I think Andy Roddick did too, so the result came as a bit of a rude shock...

Karlovic, Robredo and del Potro all came through in the cupcake half of Rafa, while Stan Wawrinka will join Gasquet and Djokovic in Roger's haggis vindaloo side. I was super pleased with Stan's results today. I'm not going to be surprised if he enters the top ten again this year. I will also not be surprised if Berdych leaves it. Will anyone?

Haggis Vindaloo

If the top half of the draw is cupcakes, then the bottom half is... what's something that's really difficult to eat? Something so full of chilli and spices that you can barely swallow without choking. Vindaloo. Or maybe haggis or tripe. We have eight dudes left in this section and there's only one who I don't think has a chance at the final.

That dude is Ryan Harrison, who prevailed over Milos Raonic. This is not to say that this was not a fantastic win for him, because, hello, it was. (Sidebar - I can't believe we're talking about beating Raonic as a major victory. Wasn't he nobody like five seconds ago?) But despite this, I don't think he's up to playing with the big boys quite yet. Soon, but not yet.

The biggest boys are, of course, Federer and Djokovic, who will play a tantalising semi final if it comes to it (and oh, oh, OH would it be sweet if Federer were to break that Djokovic streak! That would not be haggis AT ALL), but there are many obstacles in the way before then. With the exception of Harrison, every other dude in this half is a contender.

Let's have a look, shall we? (Sorry, no guest blogger today - dudes in this half do not have the cupcake-y luxury that Rafa is currently enjoying.) Aside from Federer and Djokovic, we have two other top ten players in Berdych and Roddick. I wouldn't be putting my money on other of these dudes, but they are more than capable of making it to the final if things go their way. I wouldn't say either of them is in their bestest form ever at the moment, but you make it to the final eight in this half, then you have a little something going on. You are probably not... a cupcake. You are meaty. You are weighty. You stick to the ribs. And you're not going down easy. You are like vindaloo. Vindaloo made with haggis.

Just outside the top ten we have Stan Wawrinka, and if you saw what he did to Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, you know just how much Stanley is capable of. Of course, he could just as easily be totally flat, but if Stan is on... well, he's made a Masters final before, that's all I'm saying.

And then you have Troicki. While I would rather eat eight family size portions of haggis vindaloo than see him make the final, it's not outside the realms of possibility.

And then, perhaps most interestingly, you have Gasquet. I thought about including him with Harrison, because I think it would be very unlikely for him to come through to the final here. Reeshie is not a dude who does well with haggis vindaloo - though, ironically, it might be better for him to be in this tough side than off eating cupcakes, because sometimes I think he's allergic to them. Playing a hot chilli dude lets Richou know that he has to come out and play well. If he's playing a cupcake, he can get all over confident, all 'oh yeah man, I love cupcakes!' and before you know it he's lost and you're cleaning up the puke.

So yes, I think Gasquet has a tiny chance of making the final. He's got Safin-esque levels of inconsistency, but as far as pure talent goes, he's in my top ten. And sometimes, that pure talent can get you places - like a fluke tournament run. And if Ivan Ljubicic can win this title, then anything can happen.

This is definitely the more intriguing half of the draw. There are no byes here. While the other side is possibly the most predictable since tennis began - Juan Martin del Potro is the only possible dud cupcake over there, the only one who could mess up Rafa's parade - this side is anyone's. Except Harrison's. He's not quite haggis vindaloo yet. Sometimes the draw gods work in very, very mysterious ways.

Where Is The Wildcard For Awesome?

Dear Tennis Australia and all ye in charge of giving out wildcards -

I get it, OK? You want to give your discretionary wildcards to Australians. You want to support homegrown tennis and build a Davis Cup team and whatever. I totally understand.

But it doesn't mean I have to like it. And while you may have done a service to Australian tennis (such as it can be said to be), you have done a disservice to tennis overall. Because - as you have heard very loudly over the last few days - the tennis community has been pushing hard for one thing. One wildcard.

We wanted a wildcard for Nicolas Mahut.

I know he's not Australian. I know he's not exactly an up-and-comer. I know he's not going to play Davis Cup for you. But what he is is PURE 100% AWESOME. And we wanted him to have a chance.

Tennis is gladiatorial. Mahut is a gladiator. He played an eleven hour match - how many of your other wildcard contenders could claim to have the legs to do that?

Tennis is entertainment. Um, were you watching the Hopman Cup? Mahut put on a dress and walked out there and entertained his heart out. You want tennis to be watched? You want tennis to be popular? You want to encourage kids to pick up a racquet? You want to entertain them. You need a showman. In short, you need someone like Mahut.

Wildcards are for those who might do something with them. Two words: Hopman Cup. Mahut beat Potito Starace, ranked almost a hundred places higher than him, and pushed Andy Murray very, VERY hard. You want someone who might actually win a match or two? How about Mahut?

Wildcards are for those who deserve to catch a break, who deserve a shot. Look at Kim Clijsters and Justine Henin. Clijsters got a wildcard to the US Open in 2009, Henin to the Australian Open in 2010. Both players who needed a chance. And look how that turned out. Now, I'm not saying that Mahut would have gone on and won the Open if he'd been given a wildcard. But honestly, what more does he need to do? This one is on his own tennis federation as well - Rufin in the US, Paire here... why does Mahut get NO recognition?

There is a reciprocal wildcard arrangement with France and with the US. A wildcard is given to Asia, in the spirit of the Australian Open being the Grand Slam of the Asia Pacific. One is given to the winner of the Australian Open playoff. And four are discretionary. Paire. Harrison. Devvarman. Matosevic. Ebden. Luczak. And, as of yesterday, Ball and Tomic.

It would be very, very easy for me to take potshots at Ball and Tomic - Tomic in particular. But it's been done and it's been done eloquently, and so I will refrain. (Except to say that, REALLY, Tennis Australia, you thought it would be a better idea to give a wildcard to a kid who complained that his centre court match went on past his bedtime than to a man that played eleven hours without complaining?) Instead, I have an alternative proposal.

I propose that every year, one of the discretionary wildcards is set aside to be the Wildcard For Awesome.

This is the wildcard that does not care about some kind of Davis Cup developlement ideal, that's not dangled above the head of misbehaving youngsters like some kind of delicious biscuit. This is the wildcard for someone who has proved, time and time again, that they are awesome. Maybe they... I don't know, have been injured and don't qualify for protected ranking. Maybe they've had a bad season and are on their way back. Maybe they're just very entertaining and obvious fan favourites. Maybe they played a GODDAMN ELEVEN HOUR TENNIS MATCH and survived.

There is only one criterion - that the recipient of this wildcard be AWESOME.

I have very much enjoyed being the captain of the Good Ship #wildcardformahut - which has now become #supportmahut. As I write this, Mahut has just won his first qualifying match - a 6-0 6-1 win in about 45 minutes. He is well on his way to the main draw - one down, two to go. I'd much rather he didn't have to go through this qualifying rigmarole, but now that he has to, he has started off his campaign with style.

I am sad that #wildcardformahut didn't work, but one thing it did do was draw the attention of the tennis community to a player who really is genuinely 100% awesome - as a player, as an entertainer, and as an all round cool dude. Nicolas Mahut, there is a whole bunch of people out here who think you are basically the Lord of Awesome. And even though we didn't succeed in getting you a wildcard into the main draw, I hope some ripple of the #wildcardformahut campaign reaches you - because we want you to know just how awesome we think you are.

Walking Yet Further On The Wild(card) Side

So we have Olivia Rogowska and Marinko Matosevic through from the Australian playoff, and now we have our American entrants. Ryan Harrison and Lauren Davis will be joining Olivia and Marinko in Australia.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who said 'huh?' when they heard the name Lauren Davis... and I still have pretty much no idea who she is. A quick WTA search reveals nothing about her except the fact she is 17 and that her career high rank (last month) was #437.

And yet she beat Coco Vandeweghe, of whom I have heard, and is notable for upsetting Vera Zvonareva earlier this year, creating a festival of excitement in American tennis for about four second. I understand she's pretty sketchy, but you don't beat Zvonareva without a bit of something going on. So this Lauren Davis kid must be a bit all right. We should keep an eye on her!

And then Ryan Harrison won. He played some good tennis in 2010, so this is a very nice beginning to 2011 for him. I doubt he'll be winning any Slams right at this second, but he has a nice game and he could go a round or two if he gets a good draw. It kind of freaks me out that he is so young - and Lauren Davis too! It makes me feel very old.

Harrison beat Jack Sock, and that does make me sad. Quite apart from any, you know, tennis that Jack Sock might have going on... how can you deny THAT NAME?! I think it is my favourite name in tennis right now.

Anyway, congrats Ryan and Lauren (and good luck to Coco and Jack Sock - no, I can't separate those names at all). See you in Oz!

Oudinisation

I suppose the match of the day we have to talk about is Sergiy Stakhovsky and Ryan Harrison. And don't get me wrong, this was a good match. Very entertaining stuff.

But... USA, I say this with love. I say it because I am from a country that does exactly the same thing to its sportspeople (hello, Casey Dellacqua?) You do not do your up and comers any favours when you deify them as the next big thing. It is possibly the most spectacularly unhelpful thing you could do for their careers.

It's a horrible process called... Oudinisation. And Ryan Harrison is being Oudinised.

I bet Harrison is kicking himself that he lost that match - any self respecting tennis player would be. But you know what? For the sake of any future career he might have, I reckon it might be a good thing. If he had got to the third round, had gone further, the Oudinisation process would have gone further. He must have become fully Oudinised. And that is not a good thing.

Players that are Oudinised have incredible expectations placed on their shoulders. Tennis is a game where only the toughest survive, and it is only the extremely rare player in whom that toughness is innate (Rafa and Serena come to mind). In most others, it is learned. I would include Roger Federer in this category, so this is not necessary a bad thing - look how he turned out. But the process of Oudinisation does not help.

Look at what happens to British players at Wimbledon. This is an extreme case of Oudinisation which can affect even those who are legitimately the next big thing (hi, Andy Murray). But when you heap the expectations of a nation on the shoulders of someone as young as Ryan Harrison or Beatrice Capra or Melanie Oudin, you are not allowing them that necessary growth period. The time when they can play their way into toughness.

It so happens that sometimes young players have good results. We know this happen. Melanie Oudin had a spectacular run at the US Open, and this cannot be denied. But when players this young have that one run and then get expected to repeat, that is when you open the mental floodgates to the demon. These players can be literally destroyed by hope - the hope of a nation desperate for someone to be the next be thing - and a lot of the time, that second result is going to be a long time in coming. If it ever comes. Oudinisation can mess with your head.

So what I'm saying is that just because one young player had one young result, do not go and make them your Messiah. You may have dodged a bullet when you fluffed those three match points, Ryan Harrison - it might all work out better for you in the long run.

And in other news, Dustin Brown has awesome hair. This is all.

Bloody Coup

So much for bloodless.

We have to start by talking about Andy Roddick, because this is one of the worst losses he's taken in a while - not just in opponent but in demeanour. This is probably the most bad tempered match I have ever seen Andy play. He just had nothing going on, and he was berating himself stupid for it. It was painful to watch and to experience and does not bode well into the future. Anyone can take an early loss - but the manner in which he took this loss does not make me hopeful for his future.

Congrats to Janko Tipsarevic, though - great win! This really opens up the Djokovic quarter, and because I don't see Djokovic coming through, why not Tipsarevic to be surprise semi finalist? This quarter quite literally belongs to anyone.

You know who else is going nowhere fast? Oh HI, Tomas Berdych? Am I gleefully glad that you got booted out of the tournament like a whelp? Why... YES. I am really happy about that because I am never going to forgive you for Wimbledon EVER and I really, really love what Michael Llodra is bringing and maybe you don't deserve this but I am so, SO glad you are out, out, OUT!

Okay. Ahem. Back now.

There were a couple of other scares - Sam Querrey springs to mind - but otherwise the dudes survived okay. Oh, except for Ljubicic! This is a big win for Ryan Harrison. I wouldn't go tipping him for future glory or anything, but it has to be heartening.

Now, over to the ladies. Vika, Vika, Vika. I don't even like you and I am TOTALLY worried about you. I am glad that it wasn't heat-related because that would have been seriously worrying, but could you try not to give yourself a concussion when I've picked you to make the final? That would be greatly appreciated.

But I don't think this says anything about my picking abilities. How was I supposed to anticipate a concussion?

Oh, and we have to talk about Ana Ivanovic. What is this whole winning-two-matches-in-a-row-in-a-convincing-fashion thing? This is not dreamt of in my philosophy!