Bye Bye Berdie

I am sure I am not the only one to have dreamt up this hilarious sylleptical play on words about Tomas Berdych's loss. But that doesn't make his loss any less... stupid.

I said it yesterday (about something else) and I'll say it again – is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Was Tomas Berdych seriously two sets up over French journeyman Stephane 'SteveBob' Robert before losing? Was he also up a break in the fifth? What has happened?

I can't say I'm especially sad about this turn of events – not only is it always a bit exciting to see a home-grown journeyman like SteveBob pull out the goods, I'm not exactly Big Berd's biggest fan. But considering he made, what, semis here last year? This is a dreadful result. The top ten really is in a state of flux right now. People talk about the decline of Federer, but one feels like they're not looking at the players ranked directly below him. Get down in the #6-10 range and it's getting hard to find someone who can keep the ball in the freaking court.


Before 2010, Tomas Berdych was thought of as a missed opportunity – an immense talent who never came good. And then suddenly it seemed like he did come good but making Roland Garros semis and the Wimbledon final and generally playing awesomesauce. But... yeah. I can't help thinking that Berdych might yet go down in the history books as a flash in the pan yet.


Let us spare a moment, however, to completely ignore the downfall of Big Berd and heap congratulations on SteveBob. That is some mental toughness right there. You do not beat a top ten player – much less one to whom you are two sets down – without a heart the size of a planet and a mind made of steel. Keep it up, SteveBob. And may your fellow French journeyman Monsieur Nicolas Mahut play as awesomely as you.


Berdych was the big upset of the day – mostly, the usual suspects made it through. Djokovic was in cruise control and Federer played some seriously good stuff to come up with the goods against Feliciano Lopez. The women were mostly pretty staid as well, apart from Anastasia Rodionova upsetting Nadia Petrova. I'd say something about it... but I can't think of anything to say, so let's just leave it.


The other name to go crashing out, though, was Milos Raonic, who went down right at the end of the day. Somewhere, Fernando Verdasco is cackling...

Whiplash

So it was largely a day where the unexpected remained unrealised in Monte Carlo. Rafa won (duh). Roger won (also unsurprising). Ferrer and Melzer won. Even Andy Murray won, though I don't know if we can necessarily call that 'expected'... but in a world where we all know Rafa is going to win the tournament anyway, pretty much everyone did what they were supposed to.

With a couple of exceptions.

I'm going to start with the lesser exception first, because really, I don't know if anyone ever actually expects Gael Monfils to win. There is always a possibility that he will - and he does often enough that he's seeded in this tournament - but it is never, ever a surprise when he loses. Even when it's to a qualifier. I'm pretty sure that qualifier-conqueror, Frederico Gil, is a specialist dirtballer, but even still... it could have been some random grass court specialist ranked #684748 in the world and there's still a chance Monfils would go down. That's just Monfils.

But you who is supposed to be consistent? People that played in the Wimbledon final last year, and who have been ranked in the top ten for a while now. I hope you're trembling in your boots, Tomas Berdych, because if you play like this when Wimbledon comes round again, you are going to get booted out of the top ten so fast that you'll get whiplash.

Seriously, I feel like people have been waiting for Berdych to 'arrive' for, like, ever, and when he had that Roland Garros/Wimbledon run last year, everyone thought his time had come at last. But you know what? I'm getting more and more confident that that brief period of tennis excellence from Berdych was a BIG FAT FLUKE. Because has he lived up to it ever since?

Not even a little bit, not even at all.

He lost to Ivan Ljubicic, who is, let's be fair, a very, very good player. But the guys at the top of the game - your Federer, your Nadal, your Djokovic - they didn't get where they are just by occasionally losing to 'very, very good players'. They have what it takes. And Berdych, it appears, does not. And at this stage? I don't think he ever will.

Knights of the Bround Table

SCENE #1 [INT] - A MEETING ROOM IN MIAMI

Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.

ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!

RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.

ROGER: Hi.

RAFA: Hi.

ROGER and RAFA giggle.

RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.

ROGER: Well -

RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?

ROGER: Sure.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!

Enter NOLE.

NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.

ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.

Enter A-Rod.

A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.

NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.

A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?

NOLE: I'd like to see you try.

A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -

NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.

RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.

A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.

ROGER: It's okay.

NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.

A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.

RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.

Enter FEVER and FERRU.

FEVER: Hola, Rafa!

FERRU: Hi guys!

A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?

ROGER: Be nice, Andy.

FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.

FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.

FEVER: Nalbandian?

FERRU: No. Other Other David.

FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.

RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?

NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?

RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?

A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.

RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.

RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.

NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.

ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -

Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.

THE YOKER: Hello.

RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!

THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!

RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?

THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?

RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.

Enter BIG BERD.

BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!

ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.

Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.

ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.

NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?

ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.

BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?

ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.

BIG BERD: That's -

ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!

EVERYONE sits.

RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.

ROGER: I'm fine.

RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?

ROGER: Not today.

THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.

RAFA: Hey!

THE YOKER: Why are we here?

ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!

ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?

Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.

MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -

ROGER: Yes, we mind.

MUZZ: You're so mean.

RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!

THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!

BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?

NOLE: Exactly.

A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.

FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.

FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?

ROGER: SILENCE!

Silence.

RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.

ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.

ROGER: Nole -

NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.

ROGER: That is not the point.

NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.

RAFA: Novak, behave.

NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -

RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

NOLE subsides and sits down.

FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.

RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.

ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?

THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?

ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -

RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!

A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.

THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.

BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.

NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.

A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.

ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.

SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]

ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying

We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.

It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all

It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.

We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.

ROGER: Is that clear?

A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.

RAFA: Rogelio is King!

NOLE: Dude. Please.

ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.

FERRU: Time for what?

ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.

A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?

EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.

FEVER: ...what?

ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -

THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.

EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.

THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.

FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.

FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.

FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!

NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.

NOLE high fives himself.

A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?

NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.

A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.

NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?

A-ROD: ...Memphis.

NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.

ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.

EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.

MUZZ: What?

ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.

MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.

ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.

EVERYONE: ...who?

ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.

MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.

A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -

MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.

ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.

A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?

ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.

RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.

NOLE: Spew.

ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.

MUZZ: No! You can't do this!

ROGER: There are Playstations out there.

MUZZ: Oh! Okay!

THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.

FEVER: I don't want to go either!

ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.

FEVER: Where is the door again?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.

ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.

MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.

ROGER: The other Andy.

MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!

A-ROD: Oh, shut up.

Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.

ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.

A-ROD: Thanks, man.

NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?

RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.

BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.

ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.

NOLE: Troicki.

ROGER: Absolutely not.

A-ROD: No.

FERRU: Never.

THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.

NOLE: Why?

BIG BERD: No minions.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.

NOLE points to FERRU.

FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.

NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.

FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?

A-ROD: No minions!

BIG BERD: Monfils?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.

A-ROD: Tsonga?

FERRU: Too always injured.

ROGER: Del Potro?

THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.

RAFA: Youzhny?

A-ROD: Too head-smashy.

NOLE: Nalbandian?

RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.

A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?

BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.

RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.

BIG BERD: Oh.

A-ROD: Mardy Fish?

FERRU: No minions!

BIG BERD: Cilic?

NOLE: Are you joking?

BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.

NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?

THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.

ROGER: His hair is too nice.

NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.

ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?

NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.

RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.

ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's eyes fill with tears.

RAFA: You don't mean that.

NOLE: No. Minions.

ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.

BIG BERD: I'm tired.

THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.

ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.

RAFA: Yes!

EVERYONE ELSE: No!

A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.

FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.

A-ROD: Oh.

BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.

A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.

BIG BERD: Shut up.

A-ROD: Make me.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.

ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.

EVERYONE: No.

ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.

RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.

NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?

ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.

RAFA: I have an idea.

ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?

RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.

RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?

THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.

A Bizarre Image Which Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Sometimes cupcakes have teeth.

(How is that for a weird mental image?)

We had what has to be one of the best night session lineups in the history of ever in Indian Wells tonight - Rafa playing first, Roger playing second. It does not get any better than that, end of story. And their opponents? Cupcake #1 and Cupcake #2. But these cupcakes... they were the kind with teeth. They weren't quite haggis vindaloo, but they were the kind of cupcakes you'd choke and splutter on. These cupcakes played well above their rankings. And good on them both.

Rafa's cupcake was Somdev Devvarman, he who had a pretty sweet Davis Cup win over Janko Tipsarevic a little while ago and who is in pretty good form. Still, if you're opponent's Rafa, you're essentially a cupcake by default. But Somdev really, REALLY did not play like one. I don't know if there's any gooey, moist cupcake in the world anywhere in the world who can serve at 75%. Them's some good numbers, yo.

Devvarman was ranked #100 the last time I checked... which, to be fair, was round about the same time as the Commonwealth Games, so it's a while. I assume it's changed a bit. But no matter where he's ranked, I feel pretty confident in saying that he is going to move up soon. He's playing with real confidence right now - with teeth, in fact. He's sinking them into matches and, like a tiger shark, not letting go. Rafa got him in straights today, but they were tight ones. A little experience was all Somdev was needing - Rafa won both sets on a crucial break right at the end. If he plays a few more tournaments the way he played this one, Somdev won't give up those breaks any more.

Roger had the one cupcake left in his haggis vindaloo draw... though you wouldn't have been able to tell. Harrison plays differently from Devvarman - his style is less 'sink your teeth in' and more 'I HAVE NO FEAR'. Aside from a few opening nerves, he appeared almost wholly undaunted by the situation. Federer, who is capable of winning cupcake-y factors on daunt factor alone, was a little taken by surprise with this, I think. Harrison is only eighteen years old (I think... he's a teenager anyway), but he demonstrated both today and yesterday against Milos Raonic that he's capable of playing at a much higher level than his age. He has the emotional maturity, I think, that a lot of juniors are lacking. Or that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

These two cupcakes, even though they both lost in straights, both put up excellent performances. The same can not be said for Vile Troicki, who is supposed to be a good player and who got sent to the bakery by Djokovic. Djokovic is playing amazingly at the moment - ain't no one gonna deny that - but for serious, Viktor? That's just silly.

Also silly was the fact that I was right - Gasquet really is a bit of a contender in this tournament, capable of stringing wins together against anyone if he doesn't think too hard and no one's looking. Despite what I said yesterday, I fully expected him to lose today. I think Andy Roddick did too, so the result came as a bit of a rude shock...

Karlovic, Robredo and del Potro all came through in the cupcake half of Rafa, while Stan Wawrinka will join Gasquet and Djokovic in Roger's haggis vindaloo side. I was super pleased with Stan's results today. I'm not going to be surprised if he enters the top ten again this year. I will also not be surprised if Berdych leaves it. Will anyone?

Haggis Vindaloo

If the top half of the draw is cupcakes, then the bottom half is... what's something that's really difficult to eat? Something so full of chilli and spices that you can barely swallow without choking. Vindaloo. Or maybe haggis or tripe. We have eight dudes left in this section and there's only one who I don't think has a chance at the final.

That dude is Ryan Harrison, who prevailed over Milos Raonic. This is not to say that this was not a fantastic win for him, because, hello, it was. (Sidebar - I can't believe we're talking about beating Raonic as a major victory. Wasn't he nobody like five seconds ago?) But despite this, I don't think he's up to playing with the big boys quite yet. Soon, but not yet.

The biggest boys are, of course, Federer and Djokovic, who will play a tantalising semi final if it comes to it (and oh, oh, OH would it be sweet if Federer were to break that Djokovic streak! That would not be haggis AT ALL), but there are many obstacles in the way before then. With the exception of Harrison, every other dude in this half is a contender.

Let's have a look, shall we? (Sorry, no guest blogger today - dudes in this half do not have the cupcake-y luxury that Rafa is currently enjoying.) Aside from Federer and Djokovic, we have two other top ten players in Berdych and Roddick. I wouldn't be putting my money on other of these dudes, but they are more than capable of making it to the final if things go their way. I wouldn't say either of them is in their bestest form ever at the moment, but you make it to the final eight in this half, then you have a little something going on. You are probably not... a cupcake. You are meaty. You are weighty. You stick to the ribs. And you're not going down easy. You are like vindaloo. Vindaloo made with haggis.

Just outside the top ten we have Stan Wawrinka, and if you saw what he did to Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, you know just how much Stanley is capable of. Of course, he could just as easily be totally flat, but if Stan is on... well, he's made a Masters final before, that's all I'm saying.

And then you have Troicki. While I would rather eat eight family size portions of haggis vindaloo than see him make the final, it's not outside the realms of possibility.

And then, perhaps most interestingly, you have Gasquet. I thought about including him with Harrison, because I think it would be very unlikely for him to come through to the final here. Reeshie is not a dude who does well with haggis vindaloo - though, ironically, it might be better for him to be in this tough side than off eating cupcakes, because sometimes I think he's allergic to them. Playing a hot chilli dude lets Richou know that he has to come out and play well. If he's playing a cupcake, he can get all over confident, all 'oh yeah man, I love cupcakes!' and before you know it he's lost and you're cleaning up the puke.

So yes, I think Gasquet has a tiny chance of making the final. He's got Safin-esque levels of inconsistency, but as far as pure talent goes, he's in my top ten. And sometimes, that pure talent can get you places - like a fluke tournament run. And if Ivan Ljubicic can win this title, then anything can happen.

This is definitely the more intriguing half of the draw. There are no byes here. While the other side is possibly the most predictable since tennis began - Juan Martin del Potro is the only possible dud cupcake over there, the only one who could mess up Rafa's parade - this side is anyone's. Except Harrison's. He's not quite haggis vindaloo yet. Sometimes the draw gods work in very, very mysterious ways.

A F%^& YEAH Weekend

There are so many people I want to say F%^& YEAH about today, but first, I have to blow your mind with the last installment of my Cherbourg coverage. It was not good times today - my main man Mahut lost both in the singles final and in the doubles final. But let's take a moment and go, hey, actually, the fact that you were in both of these finals is pretty damn shiny! Then let's holler F^&* YEAH.

My loudest, unconditional and most heartfelt F^&* YEAH, however, has to go out to Jelena Dokic. Lady, you rocked my freaking socks today. How many players are there who can go for eight years without a title and still have the heart to come back? Dokic is a player who has had an awful lot of bad luck in her career - more, I think, than just about anyone else. But one thing she does not lack, especially in this post-Damir world, is heart. And she demonstrated this not just in winning the Kuala Lumpur final, but the way she won it - she was literally a few points from defeat in the second set breaker. She could have gone down tamely in straights, and everyone would have been like, oh well, well done Lucie, what a great week for Jelena.

But no. Jelena Dokic is not having any of that nonsense. She clawed her way out of that breaker and then she pounced. She was a total third set tiger and that got her the trophy. And I don't think it's controversial to say that Jelena has one of the best smiles in tennis. F^&* YEAH JELENA DOKIC!

And then there is Davis Cup.

The Indian boys weren't able to keep the momentum going - they went down 4-1 to Serbia in the end - but I think they deserve a F^&* YEAH anyway, because they have played awesomely this weekend. So too does Jeremy Chardy, who went from not winning a single ATP match all year to being France's Davis Cup hero. I'm not normally a massive Chardy fan, but that kind of heroism (especially from someone stuck so deep in such a big rut) deserves a F^&* YEAH.

But the biggest Davis Cup F^&* YEAH goes to Kazakhstan in general and Andrey Golubev in particular.

I haven't talked much about Andrey this year - largely because his results haven't been that great. (But don't worry, I haven't dumped him for Mahut. I can love them both.) But this match was a powerful reminder of why I love him so much. If he plays well, he is capable not just of beating anyone, but of freaking demolishing them. Doesn't matter where, doesn't matter when, doesn't matter who. If Andrey Golubev has his eye in, he will make you hurt.

Just ask Tomas Berdych.

The Czech crowd were totally stunned. Who was this surprise ranga beating their main man? Berdych was their guaranteed pointmaker for the weekend! He was supposed to win both his singles matches in a snap of his fingers, and just hope that one of the others could pick up another point somewhere. It was supposed to be easy.

But Andrey Golubev was not on board with this idea at all. And four sets later, Tomas Berdych limped off the court, pulverised and broken. And then Mikhail Kukushkin went out there and made history against Jan Hajek.

This was Kazakhstan's first ever appearance in the World Group. If they can continue turning in these kinds of performances, they are going to be a force to be reckoned with. And I, for one, think that deserves a F%^& YEAH.

Missing Ivan Dodig

Here is a list of facts I know about Ivan Dodig:

1) He is from Croatia.
2) His first name is Ivan.
3) His surname is... wait for it, drumroll please... Dodig.
4) He is humanoid. (Probably. I assume.)
5) He plays tennis.
6) He is pretty good at playing tennis. (I think.)

Seriously, had anyone heard of Ivan Dodig before this year? I have totally never heard of him. The first time he popped into my frame of vision was at the Australian Open this year when he played that epic late night match against Karlovic. I could have stopped by and seen a little bit - I was in Rod Laver Arena that night - the night that Djokovic beat Granollers - and that session finished before this outside court epic.

But I didn't stop by. Me and Ivan Dodig missed each other again.

Dodig lost in the second round of the Australian Open (there is another fact I can add to my list!) which seems pretty unremarkable, until you consider who he lost to. You might have heard of him. His name is Novak Djokovic and he's been doing pretty okay recently.

So okay, in fact, that he only dropped one set in the whole tournament. He played a bunch of awesome guys - Federer, Murray, Berdych. But that one set he lost to was to some guy named Ivan Dodig. Of whom I had never heard.

I didn't see the match. I missed Ivan Dodig. Of course.

But clearly his set-winning was a sign, because Ivan Dodig, of whom I have never heard, just went and won himself a title at Zagreb. He's also got a pretty good 2011 record - he's won seven matches and lost twice, or so the ATP website tells me. And those two losses came to Djokovic at the Australian Open and Berdych in Chennai, so he's not exactly losing to Mickey Mouse opponents here. Ivan Dodig - whoever he is - has very suddenly made the big time.

Zagreb had a couple of local hopes in there who were real chances at the title. Marin Cilic was one. Ivan Ljubicic was another. If either of these dudes had taken out the title, then it wouldn't have been surprising. But this Dodig guy? He's the homegrown hero that no one expected. Because as far as I can tell, he just popped into existence this year.

I wish I could say something more meaningful about him, but you've seen all I know about him in my awesome List of Ivan Dodig Facts. (To which I can add this, courtesy of the ATP website - he is coached by a dude called Martin Stepanek. Any relation, do you think?) What it really proves - once again - is the depth of the field. I think I'm pretty knowledgeable when it comes to, you know, knowing tennis players exist and stuff. Put me in front of a Challenger draw and I'll recognise a bunch of the names. But before this year, Ivan Dodig wouldn't have been one of them. And now he's gone and won not a Challenger title, but a full tour title.

That is a major-ass achievement. There is a whole ton of tennis players out there - very successful ones - who have never won a title. Never come close. Look at Janko Tipsarevic, for example. We all know who he is, but he's never won a title. Same with Potito Starace. Rendy Lu. But this Dodig dude has. He's smashed through the wall that these dudes never have.

And all I can tell you about him is that he is humanoid (probably). Tennis can always surprise you.

Flat Stanley

Okay, so I chose the headline because I thought it was funny. The book Flat Stanley made me cackle with mirth for many hours as a child. I actually don't think Stanislas 'Stanley' Wawrinka was that flat at all. I just can't resist wordplay.

Let me qualify. Stan wasn't playing his bestest tennis ever, that is for sure. But it wasn't necessarily his fault. He wasn't playing his bestest tennis ever because his ol' mate Rog wouldn't let him.

It's hard to play your friends. Stan talked a bit about how he had to imagine there was no face on the other side of the net. Roger clearly doesn't have the same problem - nor could he afford to, being on the top of the game and having a committed bromance with rival Rafa. But quite apart from that, it's hard to play your friends because they know all your tricks.

Roger knows Stan's tricks. He knows all about the backhand down the line, and the angled backhand crosscourt, and the backhand in general. He knows about Stan's serve and his forehand and his volleys. This goes both ways, of course, but Roger has a LOT more tricks. You just have to look at the game played at the end of the second set to know that.

In a way, because Stan knows all his tricks, Roger had to play exhibition style tennis to beat him. This is a Stan very different to Stans we've seen before - this is Lundgren!Stan, who is aggressive and not afraid to get in his opponent's face and who rips winners like whoa. It reminds me a little bit of the early days of Dinara Safina and Zeljko Krajan, actually. This is a Stan like we've never seen him before, using his gifts - his backhand in particular - and his mind to play smart tennis.

So Roger had to play smarter. He had to reach into his bag of tricks and pull out some magic. He had to pull a rabbit out of his hat. And he did. Several rabbits and a few of those really long scarves with all the different colours and oh, what's this? a straight sets win! And next to that, Stanley - even the new, improved Stanley, who did not play awful - looked a little flat.

Roger will play Djokovic next, who overcame Berdych in straight sets in the Battle of Sesame Street. (Bert vs Big Bird, in case that is unclear.) Djokovic played some scintillating stuff, though he should probably never take up a career as a poker player - he hammed up rather than played down his vision problem, and it is to Berdych's detriment that he didn't take more advantage of that. But Djokovic wouldn't let him play well, at the end of the day - he played really, really well.

And so the semi-final will be a festival of frazzles for the Federer fan!

In the ladies, Li Na is firming as my tournament favourite - she played awesomely against Petkovic and has proved she can get it done against Clijsters, who will probably be her finals opponent. And then there was Schiavone - oh, Frankie. She played so valiantly against Wozniacki - winning the first set in very stylish fashion - but fell in the end. After you play nearly five hours, this is understandable. But the heart, the courage and the willpower she displayed to stay in this match was astounding. She is the kind of player that young tennis players should aspire to be - the type of player who never, ever stops fighting.

Looking Back - Roland Garros

This tournament, I would argue, is when the real Jonah Day of the Federer fans in 2010 began (ending sometime after Wimbledon). It was always going to be a sad day when that semi final record went down. 23 major semi finals in a row. I would venture that that is one record that is never, ever going to be beaten.

It was Robin Soderling that did the damage, and in a strange way, this tournament belongs almost as much to him as it did to Rafa, even though Rafa absolutely routed him in the final. (We have had heinously boring Slam finals this year. I mean, I loved the one in Australia, but there's only been one that went more than three sets, yesno?) He became the man who not only broke That Record, and not only had victories over both Federer and Nadal at Roland Garros to his name, he proved that he was not a one Slam wonder. Robin Soderling can and will challenge for Slams, especially at Roland Garros. Count on it.

There was another dude who came out swinging and really made an impact at Roland Garros this year - well, I certainly stood up and took notice of him. That dude is Jurgen Melzer. He had an amazing year, and the semi final finish at Roland Garros is the crowning glory. Sure, he went down to Rafa - but who isn't going to go down to Rafa at Roland Garros? - but he had an absolutely amazing tournament full of big wins. He was preciously close to making the cut for the World Tour Finals, and if he keeps up his standards next year, I think that he just might. He'll have a ton of points to defend, but so what? If he can defend them - and improve on them - Jurgen Melzer is going places.

The other semi finalist was Tomas Berdych. In hindsight, that is dreadfully portentous.

But there is an elephant in the room. And his name is Rafa Nadal.

Rafa Nadal, who everyone had talked about as down and out a few months earlier. Rafa Nadal, who had not won a title in eleven months when he took the title in Monte Carlo - the first of what was to be a claycourt clean sweep, ending with his reclamation of the Coupe des Mousquetaires. Rafa Nadal, who pulverised his opponents into submission. Rafa Nadal, who became world number #1, and who never looked back.

Rafa Nadal, who deserves every bit of praise we can heap upon his head.

Rafa doesn't inspire the same poetry and awe that Roger does. I don't know if anyone will ever call watching him play a religious experience. But that does not make him any less great. He's not that guy. He's the conquistador, the raging bull, an almost elemental force of nature. And we have been privileged to watch him play this year.

Looking Back - Wimbledon

As far as Wimbledon's I'd like to forget go, this one ranks up there pretty highly. And it's not just because of Federer's demoralising loss to Berdych in the quarters - though that is obviously part of the reason! No, it actually comes down to the fact that the final was really spectacularly uninteresting.

We have been blessed with some classic Wimbledon finals of late. Wimbledon 2007 - Federer takes down Nadal in five sets. Wimbledon 2008 - the match widely touted as the greatest of all time, when Nadal prevailed over Federer in a heartbreaking 8-6 final set. Wimbledon 2009 - if you want to talk about a heartbreaker, ask Andy Roddick how he felt after going down to Federer 16-14 in the fifth, giving Federer his fifteenth Slam.

2010. Rafa Nadal beats Tomas Berdych in three sets so dull it's almost agonising.

This is not to take anything away from Rafa, who had a stupendous tournament. (I find myself saying that I don't want to take stuff away from Rafa a lot, for some reason - I suppose that as a Federer fan I'm always looking at things from a very specific perspective.) This was the tournament where people started to talk about Rafa not just as the dude that stopped Federer being far and away the greatest of all time, but as a candidate for the title of Greatest himself. But none of that makes the final any less than dull.

I don't especially want to talk about the Federer/Berdych match, which had me swearing and crying and screaming like a maniac. One match I will talk about, though, was Federer's first round - which also had me swearing and screaming and crying. Who ever would have thought that there would be a day when Alejandro Falla would be serving for the match at Wimbledon against Roger Federer? Not me, that is for sure, and I would venture that the thought hadn't really occurred to many other people either.

I think that that was when I realised that this Wimbledon was probably not going to be Federer's. But when Federer came back from the brink of defeat, I wasn't thinking about that. There have been a bunch of matches this year when Federer has lost from a match-points-up position. Let's not forget that he's fought his way out of some pretty dark holes himself.

A Post Of Great Insightfulness

Well, I didn't see any of the matches today due to being on a minibreak in Sydney. But Rafa and Nole are both through, and A-Rod and Big Berd are not.

Pretend I said something insightful and talk among yourselves.

The Boy Who Cried Sick

I think I was totally right about the match with Roddick being just what Rafa needed to blow out the cobwebs. He wasn't at his mighty best today, but he was pretty solid - it was definitely Rafa, not Shmafa - but the fact of the matter is that he didn't need to be at his mighty best, considering his opponent.

Seriously, will the medical woes of Novak Djokovic never cease?

Look, I don't doubt that he suffers from them, and the contact lens incident today was definitely a major medical malfunction. But every time he does this, it takes value away from the times he really does need assistance (like today). If the contact lens incident had happened to another player, one who doesn't take as many time outs, then it would be a Big Thing. But with Novak, it's just him being Novak. He's the player who cried sick. He has bird flu, SARS, common cough and cold... (thanks Andy).

This rant probably isn't as relevant today as it is when he pulls one of those other medical excuses. But yeah, Novak. This - times like today - is when you need your medical assistance. This is when it's serious. When you literally CANNOT SEE.

I actually didn't intend to turn this into a Djokovic-always-has-medical-issues rant. But you got one, so... um... yeah.

Rafa played well today. I'd put money on him beating Berdych in the next round. I do not think it is hard to say that yes, he will be going through.

But he won't be accompanied by Roddick, which was what I thought. No, he got his arse handed to him by Berdych today, which was... um, surprising. This is the problem with Berdych - it's what makes him so dangerous sometimes, I think. Even when he's totally out of form and you count him out, sometimes he can pull a random blinder out of his pocket. But twice in a row? I really don't see him doing it against Rafa.

We could be in a very interesting situation for qualification in this group if Rafa and Roddick win in the next round. Rafa will go through with three wins, but everyone else will have won one and lost two. I guess it will come down to games. Maybe I could be right. Maybe Roddick will go through after all.

Sometimes You Don't Get What You Want But You Get What You Need

This was definitely not the first round robin match Rafa Nadal was after. However, I think it might have been just the one he needed.

Let's recap. Rafa hasn't played for about five weeks. Presumably he is carrying some kind of minor injury - he didn't play Paris, for one, and he always seems to be carrying an injury, also - and then... oh yeah. Five weeks. Rust city central. And he's playing Andy Roddick, to whom he has been a little vulnerable on hard courts in the past.

...oh, and he's just lost the first set. And it's a tiebreaker. And if he loses it, he loses the match.

A good solid three set slog, with the employment of some of his trademark iron mental toughness, sounds like just what the doctor ordered to me. Get the cobwebs out. Dust off the grit. Fight your way back from a bad position against a tough opponent and play your way into form. And you could see Rafa doing just that over the course of the match. He let that break go a little tamely in the first set and couldn't break Roddick's serve again. So he hung in there, gritted his teeth, and didn't let go. I'm sure he'd have preferred an easy win, but in the long run, I think this was just what he needed.

It was not, however, what Andy Roddick needed. I still think he has a good shot at qualifying for the semis, but he has to make sure he doesn't let this woulda shoulda coulda of a match get him down. He can definitely beat Berdych - he went down super easily today - and I'm reasonably confident he can also beat Djokovic. He's just got to hang tough, mental wise. And today wouldn't have helped. But he can do it.

Rhyme On The Quiet Time Before The First Point Is Played

'Tis the day before the championships
And all through TennisLand
Not much is happening
Despite my demands

Rafa, Nole, Muzza
Yoker, Ferru, Roger
Big Berd and the A-Rod
Lounging like old codgers

Because nothing will happen
Until the Sabbath day
The courts are all quiet
There's nothing to say

I have naught to write about -
For I have done my preview!
Do you think that rhyme
Will bring any more pageviews?

I think not, but my problem
Is that I have zilch to write!
So let's end this post here -
Good day and good night.

Round Robin Roger Rafa

Groups! We have groups! That should give me something to talk about today! Yay!

The general consensus seems to be agree that Nadal's group is a hell of a lot easier than Federer's, and I would tend to agree. However, Rafa hasn't played that much since the US Open, so while he might be fresh, he might also be rusty, so that could even them out quite well.

But let us analyse.

Team Rafa: We have Rafa himself, Novak Djokovic, Tomas Berdych and Andy Roddick.

Team Roger: The Fed Express, Andy Murray, Robin Soderling and David Ferrer.

Let's start with Team Rafa. I'm definitely seeing Berdych going zero and three in this group. No matter what group he was in, I think I would see this coming, because he has been playing stupendously badly. I'm actually thinking that Andy Roddick might stand a really excellent chance at winning this group. He's got the hard court prowess to take any of these guys, except perhaps Rafa on an awesome day. He'll definitely beat Berdych, probably Djokovic, and I think he stands a good shot at beating Rafa.

I see Rafa finishing second and qualifying, but Djokovic is really the dark horse for me in this group. It seems strange to say that about the world number #3, but there it is. He's combined some excellent play with some awful play recently and it depends which way he goes. Whoever wins the Rafa-Nole matchup is going through, in my book. And I am pretty sure that will be Rafa, unless he gets all injured or something.

Over to Team Roger now, and this group really doesn't have an obvious 'I'm losing every match' dude like Berdych in the other group. If you had to pick one, you might pick Ferrer, but he has been playing very, very well lately, and I wouldn't count him out.

I think Soderling and Federer both stand excellent chances at winning this group, and those are the two I'd put my money on to qualify. However, they can both be prone to sketchiness and both had long weeks in Paris... but yeah, I don't think that'll really affect them. Soderling is The Form Player coming in, and Roger - well, I wouldn't really be counting him out.

Murray is in a similar position to Djokovic in this group - he could dark horse his way into qualifying if he beats one of Soderling and Federer. I don't really have a read on his performance at the moment, though - will the home crowd gee him up or tear him down? He's been affected by it at Wimbledon, but as this tournament isn't quite such a big deal, maybe he can turn it to his advantage here...?

Elite Eight (and Mr Melzer)

The line up is set for the World Tour Finals. The lucky three to get through are Roddick, Ferrer and Berdych. I wish Melzer had made it through instead of Berdych, but as was pointed out to me yesterday by reader Yolita (thanks!), this was in fact mathematically impossible. Pretty sure the only way we get Melzer now is if one of the Elite Eight shuts down for the year, and I don't want that to happen.

This qualification happened because Monfils beat Verdasco, who I am very glad did not qualify - he really didn't deserve it. Berdych lost to Davydenko (bit sad he wasn't in contention, but then, he didn't really do anything to deserve it, apart from having a cracker start to the year) but is still through, and Melzer came through to face Federer in the quarters, but is not through. Oh, and Llodra beat Djokovic.

The way he's playing at the moment, Berdych is going to be easy pickings for the other dudes at the WTF, and - I don't want to jinx it, especially because he made the finals of Basel last week, but nonetheless - I have a sneaking suspicion we might see Djokovic go 0 and 3 as well. Unless, of course, Berdych and Djokovic are in the same group, in which case Novak's getting at least one win. Djokovic's results have actually not been that bad of late, Llodra-loss today aside, but I am just spectacularly unconvinced by his play. Maybe it's just because he's been tagged twice by Federer since the US Open and I'm biased, but he feels a little lackadaisical to me at the mo.

But he ain't got nothing on Berdych.

Also, I think we have to give a big shout out to Andy Roddick, forever the forgotten quantity of the top ten. His longevity gets overlooked because of the longevity of his peer Federer - understandable, due to their comparative success rates - but qualifying for the WTF eight times in a row? Dude, that is super. Well done, A-Rod. You keep on keeping on. And who knows? If you end up in a group with Berdych and Djokovic (or even if you don't), you might find yourself in the semis or even in the final of the WTF. I would be a little surprised if it happened, but not a lot surprised. And when your field contains the like of Nadal, Federer, Murray, Soderling and, yes, Djokovic, that is saying something.

Bercy, Daveed and the WTF

Bercy! The forgotten Masters. The one that no one who is anyone really cares about because the World Tour Finals are in, like, two seconds... except the people that are trying to qualify for the finals, because hello, points, who are thus wearing themselves out before these finals even happen.

Sorry for that Sentence of Doom.

But seriously, here we are in Bercy, one of the stupidest placed tournaments on the calendar in term of care factor - dudes, I know that you want to finish the year with a bang for the non-WTFers, but you make it very hard for anyone to care about you - and we have a bunch of guys who are after the remaining three spots. The front runners, the way I see it, are David Ferrer, Tomas Berdych, Jurgen Melzer and Andy Roddick. One is going to miss out, of course, but it has to be out of those four. I think. Maybe Fernando Verdasco is in there. But with his epic losingness, I don't think he's going to be in there.

I'm really hoping Berdych is the one who misses out, because a) I don't like him very much and b) apart from Wimbledon, what has he really done? But I think he's up there in points... oh, I don't know. I don't understand their crazy maths.

I do understand, however, that Jurgen Melzer and David Ferrer have helped their chances by winning - a skin of the teeth thing for Ferrer, but a win nonetheless! Match of the day, though, has to go to Murray and Nalbandian. You had him, Daveed! You so could have kicked his arse if you'd just kept your level up! But maybe you did me and the Fedfans of the world a favour by losing... we don't want Murray all fresh for the WTF, do we?

Day of the Disappointing Dudes

Wow. Tomas Berdych. I know you've been disappointing ever since your run to the final of Wimbledon, but I couldn't have realised this level of disappointment.

I've sort of vaguely maybe heard of Tobias Kamke, but I couldn't tell you one thing about him. And yet he put an absolute beatdown on Berdych. I didn't see the match, so I don't know if it was closer than the scoreline or whatever, but dude, DUDE. 6-4 6-1? That is craziness.

Berdych is in the running to claim one of the last three spots for the world tour finals, and this must have hurt his chances big time. Well, at least medium time. Time is running out and he's not the only one after a spot.

...though considering one of the other people after a spot is Fernando Verdasco, who also took an utterly miserable loss, maybe Berdych doesn't need to try so hard. I know Gilles Simon is having some of Awesomeness Renaissance, but 6-1 6-3, Nando? Yowza.

Speaking of miserable losses in Valencia - oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Andy Murray. I know you've already made the WTF so you don't need to try so hard, but dude, come on, Juan Monaco? Really?

But you know who's not disappointing? Roger Federer. That was a nice win over Tipsarevic. It maketh me smile. And also Robin Haase! He beat John Isner. You keep on with your bad self, Robin.

Super Soderling

Massively disappointing loss for Robin Soderling in Stockholm today - he is literally centimetres away from qualifying for the world tour finals, but he went down to Florian Mayer. Not an awesome result.

You would think this is a cue for another one of my x-player-who-did-well-at-a-Slam-one-time-is-now-so-disappointing rants, but no. Quite the opposite. While Soderling took a bad loss today, the fact that he is so close to qualifying for the world tour finals - which would make him the first guy outside the big four to do so - proves something very important. When Robin Soderling arrived on the scene, he made sure he hung around.

Ever since that win over Nadal at Roland Garros last year, the Yoker has been a force to be reckoned with. Before that, he was a mildly dangerous second tier player, capable of pulling the odd upset. Now he's someone that could legitimately challenge for a Slam title. And he is not a one hit wonder. He's not even a one album wonder. He's made two Slam finals now, and a whole bunch of other quarters and similarly awesome results. Soderling is keeping the standard up.

All this has left him one win away from the world tour finals - a win that he will get, even if he took a bad loss today. Robin Soderling has become what the Davydenkos and Berdychs of 2010 aspire to be - someone who made it big and then held their level, not someone who had a couple of good results and then fizzled spectacularly. The Yoker has really been a game changer in men's tennis. And with the team we have at the top at the moment, there's not many men who can say that.

Talking Tomas

So the big news of the day is that Maria Sharapova is engaged to her partner Sasha Vujacic.

Um... yeah. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

In other news, I talked about the disappointment Davydenko's been this year. Let's talk about someone else who has been disappointing over the last few months - Tomas Berdych.

A big match can break you. I think we've seen this a few times this year. We've seen guys go into matches they've convinced themselves they have the goods to win, they haven't won it, and it's been goodnight Irene and disappointment has reigned. We've seen Federer do it to Andy Murray and Nikolay Davydenko, and I contend that Rafa Nadal did it to Tomas Berdych at Wimbledon.

I really think Berdych thought he could win that match. And after you've beaten Federer on grass at Wimbledon, no wonder. But I think that expectation has been the death of him, because what has he done since? Unremarkable US Open series, capped off with a disappointing first round loss in New York. And now he's been upset by Jarkko Nieminen, who is a wily veteran but hardly a tennis ninja.

I don't think the final nail has been hammered in the Berdych coffin - not by a long shot. But you know what? If he plays Federer again any time soon and loses - whether it's a blowout or a tough one - you can start playing that funeral dirge. Because what is currently very, very bent will then be completely broken.