The Balding God Is Made Man; or, Some Pun About Fish

So. This Mardy Fish thing. It's a big deal why?

Maybe I just don't understand the significance of being the top player for your country. As long as I can remember, the top Australian guy has been Lleyton Hewitt, and that has not changed. Actually, I lie - the top guy might always have been Lleyton Hewitt, but I've seen a number of top ladies, including Molik, Stosur, Dellacqua and Dokic. And I just do not get why it is such a big deal that he is now ranked higher than Andy Roddick.

Seriously, do Fish and Roddick themselves care? Did Roddick text Fish and be all 'dude, you are now officially better than me, that is a thing?' Did that mean for all these years the American dudes were worshipping at the altar of Roddick like he was some sort of balding god? Why, why is it a thing that Fish and Roddick have done a swapsie in internal rankings? It's not a big deal that Fish is now ranked higher than... oh, I don't know, Monfils. Why does it matter so much more when it's Roddick?

And this isn't even the first time this has happened to A-Rod - he went through exactly the same thing with James Blake a few years back. And no one remembers that now. So I doubt anyone is going to remember this.

I don't want to belittle what Fish has done in this tournament, because he has done some great things. Beating David 'Lord Farquaad' Ferrer is not a thing of easiness. Neither is beating, oh, I don't know, Juan Martin del freaking Potro. But no one is paying attention to what he's actually done - not any more. No, it's all about some random permutation of a computer algorithm.

So. Internal rankings. Why do they matter? Should they matter? Because I, personally, think they are a bit rubbish. Discuss.

Knights of the Bround Table

SCENE #1 [INT] - A MEETING ROOM IN MIAMI

Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.

ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!

RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.

ROGER: Hi.

RAFA: Hi.

ROGER and RAFA giggle.

RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.

ROGER: Well -

RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?

ROGER: Sure.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!

Enter NOLE.

NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.

ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.

Enter A-Rod.

A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.

NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.

A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?

NOLE: I'd like to see you try.

A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -

NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.

RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.

A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.

ROGER: It's okay.

NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.

A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.

RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.

Enter FEVER and FERRU.

FEVER: Hola, Rafa!

FERRU: Hi guys!

A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?

ROGER: Be nice, Andy.

FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.

FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.

FEVER: Nalbandian?

FERRU: No. Other Other David.

FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.

RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?

NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?

RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?

A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.

RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.

RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.

NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.

ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -

Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.

THE YOKER: Hello.

RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!

THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!

RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?

THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?

RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.

Enter BIG BERD.

BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!

ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.

Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.

ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.

NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?

ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.

BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?

ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.

BIG BERD: That's -

ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!

EVERYONE sits.

RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.

ROGER: I'm fine.

RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?

ROGER: Not today.

THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.

RAFA: Hey!

THE YOKER: Why are we here?

ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!

ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?

Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.

MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -

ROGER: Yes, we mind.

MUZZ: You're so mean.

RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!

THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!

BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?

NOLE: Exactly.

A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.

FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.

FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?

ROGER: SILENCE!

Silence.

RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.

ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.

ROGER: Nole -

NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.

ROGER: That is not the point.

NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.

RAFA: Novak, behave.

NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -

RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

NOLE subsides and sits down.

FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.

RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.

ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?

THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?

ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -

RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!

A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.

THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.

BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.

NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.

A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.

ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.

SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]

ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying

We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.

It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all

It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.

We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.

ROGER: Is that clear?

A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.

RAFA: Rogelio is King!

NOLE: Dude. Please.

ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.

FERRU: Time for what?

ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.

A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?

EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.

FEVER: ...what?

ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -

THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.

EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.

THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.

FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.

FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.

FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!

NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.

NOLE high fives himself.

A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?

NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.

A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.

NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?

A-ROD: ...Memphis.

NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.

ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.

EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.

MUZZ: What?

ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.

MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.

ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.

EVERYONE: ...who?

ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.

MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.

A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -

MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.

ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.

A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?

ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.

RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.

NOLE: Spew.

ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.

MUZZ: No! You can't do this!

ROGER: There are Playstations out there.

MUZZ: Oh! Okay!

THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.

FEVER: I don't want to go either!

ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.

FEVER: Where is the door again?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.

ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.

MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.

ROGER: The other Andy.

MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!

A-ROD: Oh, shut up.

Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.

ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.

A-ROD: Thanks, man.

NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?

RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.

BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.

ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.

NOLE: Troicki.

ROGER: Absolutely not.

A-ROD: No.

FERRU: Never.

THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.

NOLE: Why?

BIG BERD: No minions.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.

NOLE points to FERRU.

FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.

NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.

FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?

A-ROD: No minions!

BIG BERD: Monfils?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.

A-ROD: Tsonga?

FERRU: Too always injured.

ROGER: Del Potro?

THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.

RAFA: Youzhny?

A-ROD: Too head-smashy.

NOLE: Nalbandian?

RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.

A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?

BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.

RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.

BIG BERD: Oh.

A-ROD: Mardy Fish?

FERRU: No minions!

BIG BERD: Cilic?

NOLE: Are you joking?

BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.

NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?

THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.

ROGER: His hair is too nice.

NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.

ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?

NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.

RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.

ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's eyes fill with tears.

RAFA: You don't mean that.

NOLE: No. Minions.

ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.

BIG BERD: I'm tired.

THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.

ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.

RAFA: Yes!

EVERYONE ELSE: No!

A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.

FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.

A-ROD: Oh.

BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.

A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.

BIG BERD: Shut up.

A-ROD: Make me.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.

ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.

EVERYONE: No.

ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.

RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.

NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?

ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.

RAFA: I have an idea.

ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?

RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.

RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?

THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.

A Bizarre Image Which Will Haunt Your Nightmares

Sometimes cupcakes have teeth.

(How is that for a weird mental image?)

We had what has to be one of the best night session lineups in the history of ever in Indian Wells tonight - Rafa playing first, Roger playing second. It does not get any better than that, end of story. And their opponents? Cupcake #1 and Cupcake #2. But these cupcakes... they were the kind with teeth. They weren't quite haggis vindaloo, but they were the kind of cupcakes you'd choke and splutter on. These cupcakes played well above their rankings. And good on them both.

Rafa's cupcake was Somdev Devvarman, he who had a pretty sweet Davis Cup win over Janko Tipsarevic a little while ago and who is in pretty good form. Still, if you're opponent's Rafa, you're essentially a cupcake by default. But Somdev really, REALLY did not play like one. I don't know if there's any gooey, moist cupcake in the world anywhere in the world who can serve at 75%. Them's some good numbers, yo.

Devvarman was ranked #100 the last time I checked... which, to be fair, was round about the same time as the Commonwealth Games, so it's a while. I assume it's changed a bit. But no matter where he's ranked, I feel pretty confident in saying that he is going to move up soon. He's playing with real confidence right now - with teeth, in fact. He's sinking them into matches and, like a tiger shark, not letting go. Rafa got him in straights today, but they were tight ones. A little experience was all Somdev was needing - Rafa won both sets on a crucial break right at the end. If he plays a few more tournaments the way he played this one, Somdev won't give up those breaks any more.

Roger had the one cupcake left in his haggis vindaloo draw... though you wouldn't have been able to tell. Harrison plays differently from Devvarman - his style is less 'sink your teeth in' and more 'I HAVE NO FEAR'. Aside from a few opening nerves, he appeared almost wholly undaunted by the situation. Federer, who is capable of winning cupcake-y factors on daunt factor alone, was a little taken by surprise with this, I think. Harrison is only eighteen years old (I think... he's a teenager anyway), but he demonstrated both today and yesterday against Milos Raonic that he's capable of playing at a much higher level than his age. He has the emotional maturity, I think, that a lot of juniors are lacking. Or that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

These two cupcakes, even though they both lost in straights, both put up excellent performances. The same can not be said for Vile Troicki, who is supposed to be a good player and who got sent to the bakery by Djokovic. Djokovic is playing amazingly at the moment - ain't no one gonna deny that - but for serious, Viktor? That's just silly.

Also silly was the fact that I was right - Gasquet really is a bit of a contender in this tournament, capable of stringing wins together against anyone if he doesn't think too hard and no one's looking. Despite what I said yesterday, I fully expected him to lose today. I think Andy Roddick did too, so the result came as a bit of a rude shock...

Karlovic, Robredo and del Potro all came through in the cupcake half of Rafa, while Stan Wawrinka will join Gasquet and Djokovic in Roger's haggis vindaloo side. I was super pleased with Stan's results today. I'm not going to be surprised if he enters the top ten again this year. I will also not be surprised if Berdych leaves it. Will anyone?

Haggis Vindaloo

If the top half of the draw is cupcakes, then the bottom half is... what's something that's really difficult to eat? Something so full of chilli and spices that you can barely swallow without choking. Vindaloo. Or maybe haggis or tripe. We have eight dudes left in this section and there's only one who I don't think has a chance at the final.

That dude is Ryan Harrison, who prevailed over Milos Raonic. This is not to say that this was not a fantastic win for him, because, hello, it was. (Sidebar - I can't believe we're talking about beating Raonic as a major victory. Wasn't he nobody like five seconds ago?) But despite this, I don't think he's up to playing with the big boys quite yet. Soon, but not yet.

The biggest boys are, of course, Federer and Djokovic, who will play a tantalising semi final if it comes to it (and oh, oh, OH would it be sweet if Federer were to break that Djokovic streak! That would not be haggis AT ALL), but there are many obstacles in the way before then. With the exception of Harrison, every other dude in this half is a contender.

Let's have a look, shall we? (Sorry, no guest blogger today - dudes in this half do not have the cupcake-y luxury that Rafa is currently enjoying.) Aside from Federer and Djokovic, we have two other top ten players in Berdych and Roddick. I wouldn't be putting my money on other of these dudes, but they are more than capable of making it to the final if things go their way. I wouldn't say either of them is in their bestest form ever at the moment, but you make it to the final eight in this half, then you have a little something going on. You are probably not... a cupcake. You are meaty. You are weighty. You stick to the ribs. And you're not going down easy. You are like vindaloo. Vindaloo made with haggis.

Just outside the top ten we have Stan Wawrinka, and if you saw what he did to Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, you know just how much Stanley is capable of. Of course, he could just as easily be totally flat, but if Stan is on... well, he's made a Masters final before, that's all I'm saying.

And then you have Troicki. While I would rather eat eight family size portions of haggis vindaloo than see him make the final, it's not outside the realms of possibility.

And then, perhaps most interestingly, you have Gasquet. I thought about including him with Harrison, because I think it would be very unlikely for him to come through to the final here. Reeshie is not a dude who does well with haggis vindaloo - though, ironically, it might be better for him to be in this tough side than off eating cupcakes, because sometimes I think he's allergic to them. Playing a hot chilli dude lets Richou know that he has to come out and play well. If he's playing a cupcake, he can get all over confident, all 'oh yeah man, I love cupcakes!' and before you know it he's lost and you're cleaning up the puke.

So yes, I think Gasquet has a tiny chance of making the final. He's got Safin-esque levels of inconsistency, but as far as pure talent goes, he's in my top ten. And sometimes, that pure talent can get you places - like a fluke tournament run. And if Ivan Ljubicic can win this title, then anything can happen.

This is definitely the more intriguing half of the draw. There are no byes here. While the other side is possibly the most predictable since tennis began - Juan Martin del Potro is the only possible dud cupcake over there, the only one who could mess up Rafa's parade - this side is anyone's. Except Harrison's. He's not quite haggis vindaloo yet. Sometimes the draw gods work in very, very mysterious ways.

The Roddick Gateway

We very nearly could have had exactly the same winners on the ATP tour this week as last week, if Andy Roddick had not carelessly (or probably carefully, actually) got in the way. I don't know how often this happens, but I'm going to venture 'not often'. And this week it was not to be.

Nicolas Almagro and Robin Soderling completed the first two points of the triangle - I am very glad that Soderling won in Marseille, by the way. If my beloved Nico M is going to get beaten, I would rather it was by some dude who's genuinely excellent than anyone else. And the Prince of Clay, Nicolas Almagro... well, he's making good on the nickname, and that is for sure.

Anyway. So we had Almagro (check) and Soderling (check) but Raonic, who would have made it a three-from-three, went and lost to Roddick. Three sets it took - though it easily could have been two either way, as the first two were pretty intense breakers - but Roddick it was who came out on top. Yoda I am talking like today. I am, oh yes.

I feel a bit bad about it, as I probably should be rooting for the underdog, but I'm glad Roddick came out on top today. Even though it is, as I said yesterday, like a spaceship with jet thrusters rather than a bandwagon, I'm just not on board with Milos Raonic yet. Probably the spaceship is going too fast for me to catch up on. If Raonic was to add a top ten scalp to his already growing bag of scalps - a scalp that is not the questionably mohawked scalp of Fernando Verdasco, that is - then I don't know if I could deal.

Roddick represents order in the tennis world. He's a top ten fixture. He exists in my world to place regular beatdowns on the guys ranked below him and to get shellacked by Roger Federer. He's the intermediary between the two worlds - the gateway, if you like. If you beat Roddick, then something serious is going down. It's not like beating Verdasco or one of the other top ten ne'er do wells - I'd place players like Berdych, who is (I think) ranked higher than Roddick in this category. Roddick is consistent. Roddick has been in the top ten for about a hundred years and stayed there. If you beat Roddick - especially if you start beating him regularly - well then, you could be launching an assault on the top guys. Or at least getting some wins against them.

Milos Raonic isn't there yet. The Roddick door is closed to him. And for me, maybe this is good. If he's going to get on board, I need his bandwagon to go a little slower.

Rally For Relief

It wasn't quite Hit For Haiti. I don't know if anything could match the glorious spontaneity of that Sunday afternoon last year. But Rally For Relief this afternoon was big fun, and the cause was extremely important. (If you haven't already, please donate - you can do so here.)

It was only a short event but it felt longer - probably because of the masses of time we spent queueing and then sitting in the arena, waiting for the players to come on. (Though there was a Federer practice session going on, so who was complaining? NOT ME.) There were a lot more players than last year - the event opened with ten players walking on.

The Gold Team: Novak Djokovic, Caroline Wozniacki, Ana Ivanovic, Justine Henin, Lleyton Hewitt (c)
The Green Team: Andy Roddick, Andy Murray, Vera Zvonareva, Victoria Azarenka, Pat Rafter (c)

All ten of the players were micced up, and they were hilarious. I can't really convey the humour of events like these in words - perhaps you can try and YouTube it, if you weren't lucky enough to be there! - but it was in great spirit, great fun, and was great tennis. Honorable mentions have to go to Andy Roddick for taking on linesman duties and Novak Djokovic for both conducting a rally while sitting down and getting into the press pit. Dishonorable mention goes to Andy Murray for substituting grunting for humour and Lleyton Hewitt for trying to bring his son Cruz onto court (Cruz promptly burst into tears!) even if it was epically cute!

And then this lot went off and four more came on for a match of doubles - Rafael Nadal and Kim Clijsters against Roger Federer and Sam Stosur. These four weren't micced and I feel like this was a bit of a failing - all four of them were micced up last year and were good value for money (though Stosur was a bit quiet). However, you have nothing to complain about when you have seen... drumroll... FEDAL DOUBLES.

Yes, it's true. Yes, it happened. The players pretty soon switched sides and we had girls against boys. I'm sure I'm not the only tennis fan who thinks it would be legendary for these two to play some matches together, and this may be the closest we ever get to it! And they're not a bad team, either... even though they were holding back a bit... but not so much that the girls didn't beat them fair and square!

All in all, I cannot overstate the value of events like these, both for tennis and the wider community. This kind of exhbition allows the players to cut loose and put their personalities on show - something we don't see enough of - which really does attract new fans to the sport. And much more importantly, it was a major contribution to alleviating the crisis currently felt in Queensland. Over $1.5 million was raised by Rally For Relief, and that total is still rising. Please donate - support tennis and support Australia.

(Sidebar: Nicolas Mahut plays Brian Dabul third match up on Court 14 tomorrow. I will be there. Anyone else?)

Soderling Makes A Different Sound

Given as the draw for Australian Open qualies is released on Tuesday, I'm betting the final discretionary wildcards for announced on Monday (conveniently when I am at the Medibank International and electronically incommunicado - annoying). Let us keep hoping for a wildcard for Nicolas Mahut (and tweeting vociferously to that effect)!

Now, over to some finals. We had two yesterday, in Chennai and Brisbane, and they were both very good results for those involved.

Newly-family-leaving Stan Wawrinka (if he wanted to make his image different to Federer's, I'd say he's succeeded now) won in Chennai, which is a great result for him, even if Chennai is a bit of a Mickey Mouse tournament. He beat super-talented but super-sketchy Xavier Malisse in three sets. And... I didn't see the match, so that is all I have to say about that.

I did, however, see the Brisbane final, and Robin Soderling is looking DANGEROUS. Capslock merited. He fully merits gaining the #4 ranking. He has been untroubled on serve all week, and he totally dominated Andy Roddick with his flat forehand - and he ripped a few awesome backhand winners too. And it's hard to conceive of just how HARD he hits the ball - I swear it makes a different noise to when other players hit it. I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to burst one one day.

Roddick did not play badly - it certainly wasn't his bestest performance ever, but he didn't suck or anything - but Soderling left him dead in the water. If he continues to play like this in Australia, there are going to be precious few people who are able to stop him. I would actually love to see Murray drawn in his quarter - we could have a battle for the REAL #4. Now that would be something. (Basically, I hope he doesn't draw a be-wildcarded Mahut first round. That would make me sad.) Suffice to say, Soderling is going to do better in Australia than last year... where he lost in the first round.

And speaking of Kim Clijsters, she is also looking VERY dangerous. But after her showing against Petrova last year, I'm not putting any money down.

Looking Back - Wimbledon

As far as Wimbledon's I'd like to forget go, this one ranks up there pretty highly. And it's not just because of Federer's demoralising loss to Berdych in the quarters - though that is obviously part of the reason! No, it actually comes down to the fact that the final was really spectacularly uninteresting.

We have been blessed with some classic Wimbledon finals of late. Wimbledon 2007 - Federer takes down Nadal in five sets. Wimbledon 2008 - the match widely touted as the greatest of all time, when Nadal prevailed over Federer in a heartbreaking 8-6 final set. Wimbledon 2009 - if you want to talk about a heartbreaker, ask Andy Roddick how he felt after going down to Federer 16-14 in the fifth, giving Federer his fifteenth Slam.

2010. Rafa Nadal beats Tomas Berdych in three sets so dull it's almost agonising.

This is not to take anything away from Rafa, who had a stupendous tournament. (I find myself saying that I don't want to take stuff away from Rafa a lot, for some reason - I suppose that as a Federer fan I'm always looking at things from a very specific perspective.) This was the tournament where people started to talk about Rafa not just as the dude that stopped Federer being far and away the greatest of all time, but as a candidate for the title of Greatest himself. But none of that makes the final any less than dull.

I don't especially want to talk about the Federer/Berdych match, which had me swearing and crying and screaming like a maniac. One match I will talk about, though, was Federer's first round - which also had me swearing and screaming and crying. Who ever would have thought that there would be a day when Alejandro Falla would be serving for the match at Wimbledon against Roger Federer? Not me, that is for sure, and I would venture that the thought hadn't really occurred to many other people either.

I think that that was when I realised that this Wimbledon was probably not going to be Federer's. But when Federer came back from the brink of defeat, I wasn't thinking about that. There have been a bunch of matches this year when Federer has lost from a match-points-up position. Let's not forget that he's fought his way out of some pretty dark holes himself.

A Post Of Great Insightfulness

Well, I didn't see any of the matches today due to being on a minibreak in Sydney. But Rafa and Nole are both through, and A-Rod and Big Berd are not.

Pretend I said something insightful and talk among yourselves.

The Boy Who Cried Sick

I think I was totally right about the match with Roddick being just what Rafa needed to blow out the cobwebs. He wasn't at his mighty best today, but he was pretty solid - it was definitely Rafa, not Shmafa - but the fact of the matter is that he didn't need to be at his mighty best, considering his opponent.

Seriously, will the medical woes of Novak Djokovic never cease?

Look, I don't doubt that he suffers from them, and the contact lens incident today was definitely a major medical malfunction. But every time he does this, it takes value away from the times he really does need assistance (like today). If the contact lens incident had happened to another player, one who doesn't take as many time outs, then it would be a Big Thing. But with Novak, it's just him being Novak. He's the player who cried sick. He has bird flu, SARS, common cough and cold... (thanks Andy).

This rant probably isn't as relevant today as it is when he pulls one of those other medical excuses. But yeah, Novak. This - times like today - is when you need your medical assistance. This is when it's serious. When you literally CANNOT SEE.

I actually didn't intend to turn this into a Djokovic-always-has-medical-issues rant. But you got one, so... um... yeah.

Rafa played well today. I'd put money on him beating Berdych in the next round. I do not think it is hard to say that yes, he will be going through.

But he won't be accompanied by Roddick, which was what I thought. No, he got his arse handed to him by Berdych today, which was... um, surprising. This is the problem with Berdych - it's what makes him so dangerous sometimes, I think. Even when he's totally out of form and you count him out, sometimes he can pull a random blinder out of his pocket. But twice in a row? I really don't see him doing it against Rafa.

We could be in a very interesting situation for qualification in this group if Rafa and Roddick win in the next round. Rafa will go through with three wins, but everyone else will have won one and lost two. I guess it will come down to games. Maybe I could be right. Maybe Roddick will go through after all.

Sometimes You Don't Get What You Want But You Get What You Need

This was definitely not the first round robin match Rafa Nadal was after. However, I think it might have been just the one he needed.

Let's recap. Rafa hasn't played for about five weeks. Presumably he is carrying some kind of minor injury - he didn't play Paris, for one, and he always seems to be carrying an injury, also - and then... oh yeah. Five weeks. Rust city central. And he's playing Andy Roddick, to whom he has been a little vulnerable on hard courts in the past.

...oh, and he's just lost the first set. And it's a tiebreaker. And if he loses it, he loses the match.

A good solid three set slog, with the employment of some of his trademark iron mental toughness, sounds like just what the doctor ordered to me. Get the cobwebs out. Dust off the grit. Fight your way back from a bad position against a tough opponent and play your way into form. And you could see Rafa doing just that over the course of the match. He let that break go a little tamely in the first set and couldn't break Roddick's serve again. So he hung in there, gritted his teeth, and didn't let go. I'm sure he'd have preferred an easy win, but in the long run, I think this was just what he needed.

It was not, however, what Andy Roddick needed. I still think he has a good shot at qualifying for the semis, but he has to make sure he doesn't let this woulda shoulda coulda of a match get him down. He can definitely beat Berdych - he went down super easily today - and I'm reasonably confident he can also beat Djokovic. He's just got to hang tough, mental wise. And today wouldn't have helped. But he can do it.

Rhyme On The Quiet Time Before The First Point Is Played

'Tis the day before the championships
And all through TennisLand
Not much is happening
Despite my demands

Rafa, Nole, Muzza
Yoker, Ferru, Roger
Big Berd and the A-Rod
Lounging like old codgers

Because nothing will happen
Until the Sabbath day
The courts are all quiet
There's nothing to say

I have naught to write about -
For I have done my preview!
Do you think that rhyme
Will bring any more pageviews?

I think not, but my problem
Is that I have zilch to write!
So let's end this post here -
Good day and good night.

Round Robin Roger Rafa

Groups! We have groups! That should give me something to talk about today! Yay!

The general consensus seems to be agree that Nadal's group is a hell of a lot easier than Federer's, and I would tend to agree. However, Rafa hasn't played that much since the US Open, so while he might be fresh, he might also be rusty, so that could even them out quite well.

But let us analyse.

Team Rafa: We have Rafa himself, Novak Djokovic, Tomas Berdych and Andy Roddick.

Team Roger: The Fed Express, Andy Murray, Robin Soderling and David Ferrer.

Let's start with Team Rafa. I'm definitely seeing Berdych going zero and three in this group. No matter what group he was in, I think I would see this coming, because he has been playing stupendously badly. I'm actually thinking that Andy Roddick might stand a really excellent chance at winning this group. He's got the hard court prowess to take any of these guys, except perhaps Rafa on an awesome day. He'll definitely beat Berdych, probably Djokovic, and I think he stands a good shot at beating Rafa.

I see Rafa finishing second and qualifying, but Djokovic is really the dark horse for me in this group. It seems strange to say that about the world number #3, but there it is. He's combined some excellent play with some awful play recently and it depends which way he goes. Whoever wins the Rafa-Nole matchup is going through, in my book. And I am pretty sure that will be Rafa, unless he gets all injured or something.

Over to Team Roger now, and this group really doesn't have an obvious 'I'm losing every match' dude like Berdych in the other group. If you had to pick one, you might pick Ferrer, but he has been playing very, very well lately, and I wouldn't count him out.

I think Soderling and Federer both stand excellent chances at winning this group, and those are the two I'd put my money on to qualify. However, they can both be prone to sketchiness and both had long weeks in Paris... but yeah, I don't think that'll really affect them. Soderling is The Form Player coming in, and Roger - well, I wouldn't really be counting him out.

Murray is in a similar position to Djokovic in this group - he could dark horse his way into qualifying if he beats one of Soderling and Federer. I don't really have a read on his performance at the moment, though - will the home crowd gee him up or tear him down? He's been affected by it at Wimbledon, but as this tournament isn't quite such a big deal, maybe he can turn it to his advantage here...?

Elite Eight (and Mr Melzer)

The line up is set for the World Tour Finals. The lucky three to get through are Roddick, Ferrer and Berdych. I wish Melzer had made it through instead of Berdych, but as was pointed out to me yesterday by reader Yolita (thanks!), this was in fact mathematically impossible. Pretty sure the only way we get Melzer now is if one of the Elite Eight shuts down for the year, and I don't want that to happen.

This qualification happened because Monfils beat Verdasco, who I am very glad did not qualify - he really didn't deserve it. Berdych lost to Davydenko (bit sad he wasn't in contention, but then, he didn't really do anything to deserve it, apart from having a cracker start to the year) but is still through, and Melzer came through to face Federer in the quarters, but is not through. Oh, and Llodra beat Djokovic.

The way he's playing at the moment, Berdych is going to be easy pickings for the other dudes at the WTF, and - I don't want to jinx it, especially because he made the finals of Basel last week, but nonetheless - I have a sneaking suspicion we might see Djokovic go 0 and 3 as well. Unless, of course, Berdych and Djokovic are in the same group, in which case Novak's getting at least one win. Djokovic's results have actually not been that bad of late, Llodra-loss today aside, but I am just spectacularly unconvinced by his play. Maybe it's just because he's been tagged twice by Federer since the US Open and I'm biased, but he feels a little lackadaisical to me at the mo.

But he ain't got nothing on Berdych.

Also, I think we have to give a big shout out to Andy Roddick, forever the forgotten quantity of the top ten. His longevity gets overlooked because of the longevity of his peer Federer - understandable, due to their comparative success rates - but qualifying for the WTF eight times in a row? Dude, that is super. Well done, A-Rod. You keep on keeping on. And who knows? If you end up in a group with Berdych and Djokovic (or even if you don't), you might find yourself in the semis or even in the final of the WTF. I would be a little surprised if it happened, but not a lot surprised. And when your field contains the like of Nadal, Federer, Murray, Soderling and, yes, Djokovic, that is saying something.

Bercy, Daveed and the WTF

Bercy! The forgotten Masters. The one that no one who is anyone really cares about because the World Tour Finals are in, like, two seconds... except the people that are trying to qualify for the finals, because hello, points, who are thus wearing themselves out before these finals even happen.

Sorry for that Sentence of Doom.

But seriously, here we are in Bercy, one of the stupidest placed tournaments on the calendar in term of care factor - dudes, I know that you want to finish the year with a bang for the non-WTFers, but you make it very hard for anyone to care about you - and we have a bunch of guys who are after the remaining three spots. The front runners, the way I see it, are David Ferrer, Tomas Berdych, Jurgen Melzer and Andy Roddick. One is going to miss out, of course, but it has to be out of those four. I think. Maybe Fernando Verdasco is in there. But with his epic losingness, I don't think he's going to be in there.

I'm really hoping Berdych is the one who misses out, because a) I don't like him very much and b) apart from Wimbledon, what has he really done? But I think he's up there in points... oh, I don't know. I don't understand their crazy maths.

I do understand, however, that Jurgen Melzer and David Ferrer have helped their chances by winning - a skin of the teeth thing for Ferrer, but a win nonetheless! Match of the day, though, has to go to Murray and Nalbandian. You had him, Daveed! You so could have kicked his arse if you'd just kept your level up! But maybe you did me and the Fedfans of the world a favour by losing... we don't want Murray all fresh for the WTF, do we?

History And Stuff

So, as suspected, That Wimbledon Final The Sequel turned out to be no big deal. Despite getting broken (and, indeed, facing his first break points) of the tournament, Federer cruised to an easy win in this one. I suppose you could say that it's proof that he really did break Roddick in That Wimbledon Final, but when the record stands at 19-2 I think you have a little more history than one match to back it up.

Anyway. Djokovic beat Troicki (who, once again, proved his complete inability to win anything after failing to close out a set after being 40-0 and three set points up) and so he will face Federer in the final. Now this could be an interesting match. Djokovic will want to retain his title, Federer will want some revenge - and the shades of the US Open are still hanging over them. I don't know how significant it will be in the greater scheme of things, but in the world leading up to the World Tour Finals, I think it will be very interesting indeed.

Speaking of the WTF, apparently David Ferrer is in qualifying contention. Um, really? He's having a gun of a tournament in Valencia at the moment, but I seriously cannot point to one major result he has had all year. This may not necessarily be his fault - I guess it's proof that the Big Four (plus maybe Soderling) tend to skew proceedings - but I seriously would not have picked Ferru as a contender. Hope he does well in Valencia, though. That would be an awesome result for him, and I do have a bit of a soft spot for him in my heart.

And oh yeah, Bali - aka the tournament I completely forgot was happening. Apparently Ana Ivanovic is in the final. What's up with that? Since when has Ana been in the final of anything? I mean, good on her and stuff, but I read that someone is now putting her on their list of major contenders for the Australian Open. I think I speak for a whole lot of people when I say HELL NO.

That Wimbledon Final II (Electric Boogaloo)

Here is one thing that I did not realise - the semi final match up of Federer and Roddick tomorrow will be the first time they have met since That Wimbledon Final. I could have sworn that they had played since, but since I can't put my finger on when it was nor find any record of such a match, I have to believe it.


It could have been a very significant match, if it took place a little closer to That Wimbledon Final. As it is, I don't think it will mean that much - certainly not to Federer, though he will obviously want to win very badly, because it is his home tournament and all. And as for Roddick? If he wins, it will be a big thing, but if he loses, it will be just another loss to the man that has beaten him nineteen times already. If it had been closer to That Wimbledon Final, then it would have been the cherry of torment on the top of his sundae of despair. But now... not so much.


It's been a good week for both men so far, and if Roddick loses now, it will still have been a good week. He had a good win over Querrey and an even better win over Nalbandian, and considering that he really hasn't had a great time of it since That Wimbledon Final, semis in Basel is a good result for him. It'll give him some valuable points towards a possible qualification for the world tour final (even more likely now that there is a bit of question mark over Rafa, who has just withdrawn from Bercy) and a bit of confidence. If he loses to Roger, well - there's no shame in that.


Roger, however, has been playing like a ninja all week and I imagine that he will really want to win this, particularly after he lost in the final to Djokovic last year. Though it won't crush him if he loses, it will be very disappointing for the tournament, and he won't want that. This is one of those rare occasions when he sort of needs the win more than his opponent.

So it's going to be an interesting match. I'm backing Roger (surprise, surprise) but I really don't think that the memory of That Wimbledon Final will help him too much. It's been too long and too much has happened and it's taken its toll on Roddick already. But you never know...

Not So Mighty

Oh, Marin Cilic. You started the year so mightily. And the truth is, that single semi final appearance in Australia was nearly enough to send you in the world tour finals.

But no. And that is how it should be, really - that semi final did not make a year.

Mighty Marin (or not-so-mighty, as he is at the moment) was knocked out of finals contention (and, indeed, the tournament) by David Nalbandian. I mean, sure, David is a pretty tough second round draw, but it was a really tame loss. It wasn't pretty. And much as I applaud this Nalbandian comeback (because Tennis Needs Nalbandian) I wish that Cilic had put up more of a fight. I wish he'd made a match of it.

I don't know what Cilic's problem is - whether he's been injured for a bazillion years or he has mono like everyone else or what - but if I'm him, I'm wrapping up my year now. I'm taking some extra time for R&R and getting myself back on track. He has a bucketload of points to defend in Australia and he will plummet down the rankings like a big rock if he doesn't make at least the quarters (I would imagine - I'm guessing). So he needs to go sort himself out.

His loss, however, has set up a tantalising clash between Nalbandian and Roddick. I can almost forgive Roddick for beating my beloved Andrey Golubev, so intriguing is this match. Roddick is also in finals contention (though I really can't put my finger on anything he's won this year... maybe the memory of Wimbledon last year is still overshadowing everything else in my mind) and Nalbandian is hungry for points. And this is his favourite surface. Should be an absolute screamer!

Downhill for A-Rod

We've got to the point in Andy Roddick's career where people start asking if it's the end of the line.

Me personally? I think A-Rod's got a bit of tennis left him in yet. I even think he's got a few more top ten year-end finishes left in him. But I don't think he has another Slam in him. Not even close. He might have another semi or two left, but a final? Nuh-uh.

It's sad but true - Roddick's best chance, and his last chance, came at Wimbledon last year. When he lost that match 16-14 in the fifth, he was effectively losing any chance he had to win another Slam. Even if he had won that match, I don't think it would have spurred him on to more Slams. It was the difference between being a one-Slammer and a two-Slammer, and unfortunately for Andy, he's going to finish up his career on one.

Andy's been pretty good with the injuries over the years, so it's sad to see him suffering now. This is the second year he's missed the end of year championships, and I don't know how many more he has in him. Hopefully he can recover so he can put up a good showing - though we know it's not going to be a Slam-winning one - in 2011.

Bloody Coup

So much for bloodless.

We have to start by talking about Andy Roddick, because this is one of the worst losses he's taken in a while - not just in opponent but in demeanour. This is probably the most bad tempered match I have ever seen Andy play. He just had nothing going on, and he was berating himself stupid for it. It was painful to watch and to experience and does not bode well into the future. Anyone can take an early loss - but the manner in which he took this loss does not make me hopeful for his future.

Congrats to Janko Tipsarevic, though - great win! This really opens up the Djokovic quarter, and because I don't see Djokovic coming through, why not Tipsarevic to be surprise semi finalist? This quarter quite literally belongs to anyone.

You know who else is going nowhere fast? Oh HI, Tomas Berdych? Am I gleefully glad that you got booted out of the tournament like a whelp? Why... YES. I am really happy about that because I am never going to forgive you for Wimbledon EVER and I really, really love what Michael Llodra is bringing and maybe you don't deserve this but I am so, SO glad you are out, out, OUT!

Okay. Ahem. Back now.

There were a couple of other scares - Sam Querrey springs to mind - but otherwise the dudes survived okay. Oh, except for Ljubicic! This is a big win for Ryan Harrison. I wouldn't go tipping him for future glory or anything, but it has to be heartening.

Now, over to the ladies. Vika, Vika, Vika. I don't even like you and I am TOTALLY worried about you. I am glad that it wasn't heat-related because that would have been seriously worrying, but could you try not to give yourself a concussion when I've picked you to make the final? That would be greatly appreciated.

But I don't think this says anything about my picking abilities. How was I supposed to anticipate a concussion?

Oh, and we have to talk about Ana Ivanovic. What is this whole winning-two-matches-in-a-row-in-a-convincing-fashion thing? This is not dreamt of in my philosophy!