Karma's A Bitch

So a little thing known as 'nothing' happened in the tennis world today. I can't even rabbit on and on about how Nadal and Djokovic are all on streaks and stuff, because neither of them played. Sigh. I come back after my Easter break and this is how you reward me, tennis world?

I should just write about the royal wedding. But don't worry, I won't.

Um... Viktor Troicki lost at the Djokovic Open, which I bet does not make him happy at all. Not that I care very much about his emotional state on account of how I think he's a douchebag, but this is not a good sign for him going into the hardcore clay season. Sure, he lost to a Spaniard, but come on, it was Marcel 'most boring player alive' Granollers. Troicki will have to pick up his game if he wants to do anything this season.

Speaking of Spaniards, Fernando Verdasco won a match in Estoril. Excuse me while I go and fall over saying 'lawks a mercy'. To be honest, I think being out of the top ten is the best possible thing that could happen to him. Less pressure, maybe a little underdog-i-ness... couldn't hurt. Probably what he really needs is for people to stop going 'Fernando Verdasco won a match, lawks a mercy', but let's be honest... that is just not going to happen.

And also what he needs to do is not play Milos Raonic again for a while, but guess who is looming up large in that Estoril draw... This is karmic punishment for that 'real tennis' quip. You know it is.

... what else has happened?

Oh yeah, Vera Zvonareva has split from that incredible gorgeous romance novel cover model coach of hers. WHY, BEPA, WHY?! I wonder if #bringbacksergey would succeed where #wildcardformahut failed....

Ladders

So Andy Murray won a match. While sporting one of the most ridiculous hairdos ever seen on a tennis court. Um, like, well done Andy. And stuff.

We all know that I am not exactly Murray's biggest fan, but I genuinely would like to see him get a few wins in here on the clay. The hardcourt season was a total wash and I don't know if those demons are going away. But when the tour gets on clay, I think the pressure lifts from Murray's shoulders. No one expects him to perform on the red stuff. We've all heard for years that Murray is capable of winning in Australia, in the US, oh yeah, AND DEFINITELY at SW19, but at Roland Garros? No way. And that, I think, really lightens Murray's load.

So, yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if Andy gets a few good wins in on the clay. I would also not be surprised to see a grass court collapse once the immense burden of being a Brit at Wimbledon descends once more. That's the time that will make or break Murray (for 2011, at least). He's been in a hole, and while the clay season can be a bit of a ladder out if he plays well, it's not until the grass that we'll know whether he truly has made it out. The clay season is almost irrelevant, in its way, so he may as well make the best of it he can.

Fernando Verdasco was all like 'oh yeah, I'm just making the best of it I can on the hardcourts until REAL TENNIS starts, I WILL SHOW YOU, MILOS RAONIC RAAAAAAR'... and then he lost tamely to Disco Tommy. Pride and the fall, Nando. It's a thing.

This loss sends Verdasco nosediving out of the top ten - FINALLY. How long has it taken?! Geez. Andy Murray might not have won a match since Australia (till today), but at least he's still a little bit relevant. Verdasco just seems to be devolving further and further into a pit of irrelevance every day. And he doesn't have a ladder.

Knights of the Bround Table

SCENE #1 [INT] - A MEETING ROOM IN MIAMI

Enter RAFA. The room is big and cavernous, dominated by a large round table. There are ten chairs around the table. Only one is occupied.

AX #1 - Whitney Houston, And I Will Always Love You

The fog machine turns on. Everything goes slow motion. ROGER raises his hand to his hair and brushes a stray Lindt chocolate curl out of his eyes.

ROGER: Oh hi, Rafa - I didn't see you there! You're early. Get up off the floor - you're going to hurt your knees again if you keep falling to the ground. You are so clumsy!

RAFA: Yes... I... am very clumsy, no? Hola, Rogelio.

ROGER: Hi.

RAFA: Hi.

ROGER and RAFA giggle.

RAFA: Why did you summon me here? We only play Knights of the Round Table for Players' Council, no? I didn't think we had that for another few months.

ROGER: Well -

RAFA: Can I be Lancelot?

ROGER: Sure.

RAFA: Is impossible for me to ever be Arthur. You are the best Arthur, Rogelio.

ROGER: Thanks, Rafa!

Enter NOLE.

NOLE: Honestly, you two make me sick.

ROGER: Just because you got voted out of Camelot - I mean, off the Players' Council - doesn't mean you have to be mean, Nole.

Enter A-Rod.

A-ROD: Yeah, Novak, the king is not dead yet.

NOLE: You are almost as bad as Rafa.

A-ROD: Want me to shove you in a locker again?

NOLE: I'd like to see you try.

A-ROD: It's no wonder you got voted off the Players' Council. You were always too sick to go to the meetings. SARS, bird flu, common cough and cold -

NOLE: Hey, I don't remember you ever being on the Council at all, Andy.

RAFA: Please don't fight. Fighting musses up Roger's hair.

A-ROD: Sorry, Roger.

ROGER: It's okay.

NOLE: Andy wishes he had hair to muss up.

A-ROD: Hey, too far, dude, too far.

RAFA: Is okay, Andy. I sympathise.

Enter FEVER and FERRU.

FEVER: Hola, Rafa!

FERRU: Hi guys!

A-ROD: Is his hair actually dripping with gel?

ROGER: Be nice, Andy.

FEVER (to RAFA): Hey, I heard from Lopez that you and Other Lopez BROke up.

FERRU: Yeah, he's playing doubles with Other Daveed.

FEVER: Nalbandian?

FERRU: No. Other Other David.

FEVER: I'm sorry, Rafa. It's always hard to lose a bro.

RAFA: ...who is Other Lopez again?

NOLE: It is just so easy for you to forget your bros, isn't it, Rafa?

RAFA: Hey, I'm bronogamous. I'm not polyamobrous like you. Where is your bro Andy anyway?

A-ROD: Whoa, whoa. Novak and I are NOT BROS. I'm bros with Roger.

RAFA: NO YOU ARE NOT! ROGELIO IS MY BRO! EVEN HIS DAD AND MY UNCLE ARE BROS! WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

A-ROD: Whoa... sorry.

RAFA: And anyway, I meant Andy Murray. Other Andy.

NOLE: We lost in doubles today. He's probably crying and hugging his Playstation.

ROGER: Losing is one of the reasons I've called you here today. If you can all just sit -

Enter THE YOKER, as if walking into a saloon in a Western movie. Music twangs. A moment of silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.

THE YOKER: Hello.

RAFA (to ROGER): You invited him? You know we're fighting!

THE YOKER: You invited him? You know we're fighting!

RAFA: You're imitating me again, no?

THE YOKER: You're imitating me again, no?

RAFA: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

THE YOKER: Rogelio, I'm not comfortable with this.

ROGER: Robin, that's enough. Come on, let's all be friends.

Enter BIG BERD.

BIG BERD: Um, how about no?! Let's not be friends!

ROGER: ...whatever you want, Tomas. Come on, let's sit down.

Enter JURGEN SCHMERGEN.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

RAFA (sotto voce): His name is Rogelio.

ROGER: That's all right, Jurgen. Come on, guys. Time to sit. And I'll explain why I called you here.

NOLE: Out of interest, how did you get my number?

ROGER: Off Rafa's phone.

BIG BERD: And how did you get my number?

ROGER: I got My Friend Stanley to find it for me.

BIG BERD: That's -

ROGER (shouting): Sit down, all of you!

EVERYONE sits.

RAFA: Are you mad, Rogelio? I don't want you to be mad.

ROGER: I'm fine.

RAFA: Are you going to wear the crown like in Players' Council?

ROGER: Not today.

THE YOKER: Shut up, Rafa.

RAFA: Hey!

THE YOKER: Why are we here?

ROGER: As you might have noticed, I have summoned the top ten players in the world here today -

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: But there are only nine of us!

ROGER: You're right. Who are we missing?

Enter MUZZ, hugging his Playstation.

MUZZ: Do you mind if I plug in over here and keep playing while -

ROGER: Yes, we mind.

MUZZ: You're so mean.

RAFA: Do not speak ill of Rogelio!

THE YOKER: You are such a suck up, Rafa!

BIG BERD: Yeah, why would you want to suck up to him?

NOLE: Exactly.

A-ROD: I meant it about the locker, Nole.

FERRU: I feel like I should be on the treadmill right now.

FEVER: Is there a mirror in here?

ROGER: SILENCE!

Silence.

RAFA: We are all very sorry, Rogelio. We won't do it again.

ROGER: Thank you. Now, we, the top ten of the ATP, are gathered here today at the round table to talk about something very serious that is happening in Miami. Namely, the fact that we are not behaving like the top ten. We are losing, guys. We are not playing well.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but I don't remember losing, oh, well, THIS YEAR.

ROGER: Nole -

NOLE: And I believe I am ranked HIGHER THAN YOU.

ROGER: That is not the point.

NOLE: Um, YES IT IS.

RAFA: Novak, behave.

NOLE: No! I am #2 now, and -

RAFA: And I am #1 and I am telling you to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

NOLE subsides and sits down.

FEVER: Wow, Rafa, I didn't know you had the cojones.

RAFA: Shhh. Rogelio is talking now.

ROGER: Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be quite a few - how shall I put it delicately?

THE YOKER (looking at RAFA): Losers?

ROGER: - sitting at this table. And we are the top ten, guys. We are meant to be an exclusive brotherhood -

RAFA: Brotherhood? But I thought I was your only bro!

A-ROD: I'm his bro too, you know. Andy Broddick, that's me.

THE YOKER: I am nobody's bro. I am Batman AND Robin. Brobin. I am my own bro.

BIG BERD: I don't want to be anyone's bro. Except maybe Bert. We are Sesame Street bros.

NOLE: Speak for yourself. If you ever call me Bert again, I will beat you. With a tennis racquet.

A-ROD: That'll be hard to do from the locker I'm going to shove you into.

ROGER: OKAY, MAYBE BROTHERHOOD WAS THE WRONG WORD. Let me explain my point... through song.

SONG #1 - We are the Top Ten
[tune: We are the Champions by Queen. Lyrics by Jodi]

ROGER:
We've lost matches
We've all done that
We've lost them early
Yes, we've all done that
But this week's been
Embarrassing
We can't go on with all of this dead weight
We're carrying

We are the top ten, you guys
And we're being swatted - like flies!
We are the top ten
We need to know when
To bring in new blood
Into the top ten in the world.

It's one thing to lose
Another to fall
We can't win all of the matches all of the time
But we can't lose them all

It's time for hard choices
It's time now to choose
We're the top ten and we need to be awesome
Not be guys who lose.

We are the top ten, it seems
For us, winning should not be a dream
We are the top ten
The ATP top men
We should be winning
Because we are the top ten in the world.

ROGER: Is that clear?

A-ROD: Well, it was Queen.

RAFA: Rogelio is King!

NOLE: Dude. Please.

ROGER: It's normal for us to lose a match now and then, guys. Even a first round match. But look what's happened this week. It's been a total disaster. I think it's time.

FERRU: Time for what?

ROGER: To audition new members of the top ten.

A-ROD: But who's getting voted off the island?

EVERYONE turns to look at FEVER. FEVER doesn't notice. He is too busy admiring himself in a small handheld mirror.

FEVER: ...what?

ROGER: Fernando. It's hard to say this, but -

THE YOKER: You have lost too many matches this year. You're out.

EVERYONE looks at THE YOKER.

THE YOKER: What? I tell it like it is. It's my thing.

FEVER: Look, there were circumstances. It was that Raonic kid, I swear, he's unnatural.

FERRU: Amigo, I think it's time to go.

FEVER: But I dated Ana Ivanovic! And maybe Caroline Wozniacki!

NOLE: She's giving me roses now, dude. And Ana and I... well, we had good times at Hopman Cup, if you know what I mean. Self five.

NOLE high fives himself.

A-ROD: Besides, if anyone here has a smoking hot lady friend, Nando, it's me. Have you seen my wife?

NOLE: Pity she hasn't helped your tennis.

A-ROD: Dude. I've won a title already this year, thank you very much. And made a final.

NOLE: Oh yeah? Well, I won Dubai, Indian Wells, and... hmmm, what was it? the Australian Open. What did you win?

A-ROD: ...Memphis.

NOLE: I move we kick Roddick out too.

ROGER: I think there's another Andy we need to discuss first.

EVERYONE looks at MUZZ, who is staring into space, playing air-Playstation.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: ...now that's just sad.

MUZZ: What?

ROGER: Andy. You haven't won a single set since the Australian Open.

MUZZ: Yeah, well, I lost to Nole. And I think he's been beating you too, so... haha.

ROGER: Yes, but I haven't lost to Donald Young. Or Alex Bogomolov Jr.

EVERYONE: ...who?

ROGER: Good question. I had to write it down to remember their names.

MUZZ: You can't vote me out. I just won Miami.

A-ROD: Look, Other Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but -

MUZZ: I won it on my air Playstation. And what do you mean, Other Andy? I'm Andy. You're Other Andy.

ROGER: It might be time for you to take a nice rest, Andy.

A-ROD and MUZZ: Huh?

ROGER: I am so glad I am the only Roger.

RAFA: There could only ever be one Rogelio.

NOLE: Spew.

ROGER: Jurgen Schmergen, show Mr Murray and Mr Verdasco out, please.

MUZZ: No! You can't do this!

ROGER: There are Playstations out there.

MUZZ: Oh! Okay!

THE YOKER: Guess who's the real #4 now.

FEVER: I don't want to go either!

ROGER: There are also mirrors. And hair gel.

FEVER: Where is the door again?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Do I have to stay out there with them? I lost to my friend Petszche today.

ROGER: You are on probation, but you can stay. You too, Andy.

MUZZ: But I thought I had to go.

ROGER: The other Andy.

MUZZ: Ha! You are Other Andy!

A-ROD: Oh, shut up.

Exit JURGEN SCHMERGEN with MUZZ and FEVER. JURGEN SCHMERGEN re-enters and takes his seat at the round table.

ROGER: Andy - Roddick Andy, that is - although you are probably numerically going to fall out of the top ten, I am permitting to stay due to your years of good service.

A-ROD: Thanks, man.

NOLE: What do you mean, YOU are permitting him, Mr Ranked Three?

RAFA: Anything Rogelio says, I will back up.

NOLE rolls his eyes.

ROGER: Now, remember - it is a privilege to be in the top ten, not a right. This council can reconvene at any moment.

BIG BERD: But now we are only a top eight, Mr I Am So Good At Counting.

ROGER: I was getting to that. It looks like we need some new members to sit at this round table. So let's take some nominations.

NOLE: Troicki.

ROGER: Absolutely not.

A-ROD: No.

FERRU: Never.

THE YOKER: You have got to be yoking.

NOLE: Why?

BIG BERD: No minions.

NOLE: Um, excuse me, Rafa has a minion here.

NOLE points to FERRU.

FERRU: Um, excuse me, I beat him in Australia. And I took a set off your bro Murray.

NOLE: Dude, he is NOT my bro.

FERRU: And I'm not a minion, so shut your face. How about Almagro?

A-ROD: No minions!

BIG BERD: Monfils?

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: Too bendy. Besides, we both dated the same girl. Awkward.

A-ROD: Tsonga?

FERRU: Too always injured.

ROGER: Del Potro?

THE YOKER: Give him time. We need to prepare ourselves.

RAFA: Youzhny?

A-ROD: Too head-smashy.

NOLE: Nalbandian?

RAFA: No. He used to beat me all the time.

A-ROD: Well, that's good, isn't it?

BIG BERD: Yeah, we don't want losers.

RAFA: ...then he stopped beating me all the time.

BIG BERD: Oh.

A-ROD: Mardy Fish?

FERRU: No minions!

BIG BERD: Cilic?

NOLE: Are you joking?

BIG BERD: Well, he beat Verdasco a few weeks back.

NOLE: Who HASN'T beaten Verdasco?

THE YOKER: How about Dolgopolov? He beat me.

ROGER: His hair is too nice.

NOLE: You're just bitter about the doubles in Indian Wells.

ROGER: At least I made it to the final. How did you and Andy go again?

NOLE: You cannot blame that on me.

RAFA (sotto voce): Polyamobrousness is wrong.

ROGER: What about My Friend Stanley?

RAFA's eyes fill with tears.

RAFA: You don't mean that.

NOLE: No. Minions.

ROGER: Well, we've ruled out just about everyone. Come on, guys, we need two new guys for the top ten. We can't have a top ten with eight people in it.

BIG BERD: I'm tired.

THE YOKER: Maybe we should call Murray and Nando back.

ROGER: I could try singing another song, if that would help.

RAFA: Yes!

EVERYONE ELSE: No!

A-ROD: I think we're just going to have to let the computer decide.

FERRU: But then you probably won't be in the top ten.

A-ROD: Oh.

BIG BERD: If you lose to Cuevas you deserve to be kicked out.

A-ROD: You lost to Golubev in Davis Cup.

BIG BERD: Shut up.

A-ROD: Make me.

JURGEN SCHMERGEN: This is not helpful.

ROGER: Remember Davydenko? He was in the top ten for a while.

EVERYONE: No.

ROGER: ...yeah, me neither. Not really.

RAFA: We are not getting anywhere with this.

NOLE: Is this what Players' Council meetings are like now I'm not on it?

ROGER: It is much easier to get things done. Mostly because everyone is too busy worshipping me.

RAFA: I have an idea.

ROGER: What is your idea, Rafa?

RAFA produces a bottle of Bacardi.

RAFA: I think that this meeting would be much better with some responsible drinking, no?

THE YOKER: Finally. Something we can agree on.

There's Something About Milos

I didn't want to. I didn't want to be the person that jumps on every bandwagon I see. I was determined to be the one person in the world who wasn't screaming and shouting OMG MILOS RAONIC FOR EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! I was going to be the lone dissenter, the annoying cynic in the corner, the one that was determined it was all a fluke. In my mind, Milos Raonic was the second coming of Casey Dellacqua.

And then he had to go and win San Jose. Beating a top ten player in the final. (I mean, sure, it was Fernando Verdasco, but still.) And now I have to get on the bandwagon or risk being left behind.

Raonic has a singularly spectacular serve. I think Verdasco described him as having the body of a 12-year old... and then still firing down serves at 240km/h plus. Which is, like, a bit fast and stuff. But there are plenty of players with massive serves and not much else. This is the category I was determined to pigeonhole Raonic in.

But it looks like he's a bit more than that.

Problem is, I can't quite put my finger on it.

I think I'm going to have to watch him play a bit more, because there's obviously a little bit of something something going on with Milos. You don't jump from #156 to #59 in the rankings just like that because you have an enormous serve. I mean, he's obviously had an enormous serve for a while now. He might have grown into a bit, but there's just not enough time for there to be such a massive difference between 2010 and 2011. The off-season isn't long enough. Something's clicked for Milos. Something's suddenly started going right. I just can't work out what it is.

Maybe it's not his game at all. Maybe it's in his mind. Looking at the San Jose final, it certainly seems like Milos has quite a bit going on upstairs. We can't all be blessed with the iron mind of Rafael Nadal, but when you rally from 6-2 down in a breaker to grab a set, you are strong in the head. That's just the way it is. Your opponent can really only make so many mistakes.

And then there's the fact that Milos only dropped serve once in four matches. No matter how good your serve is, it's hard to hold your serve that consistently. Like, mega hard. Ask Isner and Mahut.

But has something come together in his game? What's the magic ingredient that I'm missing? Because it looks to me like the dude was losing a lot and now he's winning a lot... and I can't work out why. I must know the why. Because there is clearly something about Milos.

Sorry. Couldn't resist the wordplay. No matter how bad it is.

Elite Eight (and Mr Melzer)

The line up is set for the World Tour Finals. The lucky three to get through are Roddick, Ferrer and Berdych. I wish Melzer had made it through instead of Berdych, but as was pointed out to me yesterday by reader Yolita (thanks!), this was in fact mathematically impossible. Pretty sure the only way we get Melzer now is if one of the Elite Eight shuts down for the year, and I don't want that to happen.

This qualification happened because Monfils beat Verdasco, who I am very glad did not qualify - he really didn't deserve it. Berdych lost to Davydenko (bit sad he wasn't in contention, but then, he didn't really do anything to deserve it, apart from having a cracker start to the year) but is still through, and Melzer came through to face Federer in the quarters, but is not through. Oh, and Llodra beat Djokovic.

The way he's playing at the moment, Berdych is going to be easy pickings for the other dudes at the WTF, and - I don't want to jinx it, especially because he made the finals of Basel last week, but nonetheless - I have a sneaking suspicion we might see Djokovic go 0 and 3 as well. Unless, of course, Berdych and Djokovic are in the same group, in which case Novak's getting at least one win. Djokovic's results have actually not been that bad of late, Llodra-loss today aside, but I am just spectacularly unconvinced by his play. Maybe it's just because he's been tagged twice by Federer since the US Open and I'm biased, but he feels a little lackadaisical to me at the mo.

But he ain't got nothing on Berdych.

Also, I think we have to give a big shout out to Andy Roddick, forever the forgotten quantity of the top ten. His longevity gets overlooked because of the longevity of his peer Federer - understandable, due to their comparative success rates - but qualifying for the WTF eight times in a row? Dude, that is super. Well done, A-Rod. You keep on keeping on. And who knows? If you end up in a group with Berdych and Djokovic (or even if you don't), you might find yourself in the semis or even in the final of the WTF. I would be a little surprised if it happened, but not a lot surprised. And when your field contains the like of Nadal, Federer, Murray, Soderling and, yes, Djokovic, that is saying something.

Bercy, Daveed and the WTF

Bercy! The forgotten Masters. The one that no one who is anyone really cares about because the World Tour Finals are in, like, two seconds... except the people that are trying to qualify for the finals, because hello, points, who are thus wearing themselves out before these finals even happen.

Sorry for that Sentence of Doom.

But seriously, here we are in Bercy, one of the stupidest placed tournaments on the calendar in term of care factor - dudes, I know that you want to finish the year with a bang for the non-WTFers, but you make it very hard for anyone to care about you - and we have a bunch of guys who are after the remaining three spots. The front runners, the way I see it, are David Ferrer, Tomas Berdych, Jurgen Melzer and Andy Roddick. One is going to miss out, of course, but it has to be out of those four. I think. Maybe Fernando Verdasco is in there. But with his epic losingness, I don't think he's going to be in there.

I'm really hoping Berdych is the one who misses out, because a) I don't like him very much and b) apart from Wimbledon, what has he really done? But I think he's up there in points... oh, I don't know. I don't understand their crazy maths.

I do understand, however, that Jurgen Melzer and David Ferrer have helped their chances by winning - a skin of the teeth thing for Ferrer, but a win nonetheless! Match of the day, though, has to go to Murray and Nalbandian. You had him, Daveed! You so could have kicked his arse if you'd just kept your level up! But maybe you did me and the Fedfans of the world a favour by losing... we don't want Murray all fresh for the WTF, do we?

Day of the Disappointing Dudes

Wow. Tomas Berdych. I know you've been disappointing ever since your run to the final of Wimbledon, but I couldn't have realised this level of disappointment.

I've sort of vaguely maybe heard of Tobias Kamke, but I couldn't tell you one thing about him. And yet he put an absolute beatdown on Berdych. I didn't see the match, so I don't know if it was closer than the scoreline or whatever, but dude, DUDE. 6-4 6-1? That is craziness.

Berdych is in the running to claim one of the last three spots for the world tour finals, and this must have hurt his chances big time. Well, at least medium time. Time is running out and he's not the only one after a spot.

...though considering one of the other people after a spot is Fernando Verdasco, who also took an utterly miserable loss, maybe Berdych doesn't need to try so hard. I know Gilles Simon is having some of Awesomeness Renaissance, but 6-1 6-3, Nando? Yowza.

Speaking of miserable losses in Valencia - oh hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Andy Murray. I know you've already made the WTF so you don't need to try so hard, but dude, come on, Juan Monaco? Really?

But you know who's not disappointing? Roger Federer. That was a nice win over Tipsarevic. It maketh me smile. And also Robin Haase! He beat John Isner. You keep on with your bad self, Robin.

Not the Second Coming

It is just not Fernando Verdasco's year.

This said, does anyone else feel like FeVer is a little bit, well... overrated? He had one outstanding tournament at the Aussie Open last year. He played Rafa tighter than he will ever play him again. I feel very comfortable making this claim. But since then - a few minor tournaments aside - FeVer just ain't all that.

He's not a bad player - not even close. He's not even mediocre. He's just not the Second Coming of Rafa that everyone seems to think he is. He's had some good results - some Slam quarters and whatnot. But I don't think FeVer's ever going to make a Slam final. I don't think he's even going to make semis again. I think he's doomed to more of the same - more small tournament victories and upset-but-not-upsetting early round losses to up and comers like Thiemo de Bakker.

The Second Coming of Rafa would take a couple of early losses, sure. All the greats do, every now and again. But FeVer takes so many of these early losses and he doesn't back them up with the wins. I don't know how close FeVer is to making the end of year championships but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doesn't. I don't know what he's done to earn it.

And you know what? the expectation placed on his shoulders after AO '09 can't have been good for him. There must be one thing worse than being a Roger or a Rafa and having the weight of the world on your shoulders, pushing expectations uphill like Sisyphus. Imagine being Verdasco - imagine being called the Second Coming of Rafa when really, you're not. Not even close. That must be very, very painful.

Intrigue and Errors

We have a really intriguing women's semi final lined up - Venus vs Kimmie. A year after Kimmie lined up against Venus's sister Serena in that fateful match, we are getting the closest thing to a repeat possible. Intriguing.

Now, I think Kimmie is going to take this and take it relatively easily. But if she plays as error-strewntastically as she did today and Venus plays tight, then it could be very interesting indeed.

Let's talk about the two quarter finals for a sec. Frankie Schiavone was right when she said she lost her match more than Venus won it. Normally, I'd be all 'come on guys, this is unfair', but Frankie imploded spectacularly in this match. She is capable of so much more and this was very disappointing. Nonetheless, it's got Venus through to her first semi in about a hundred years in New York, and given the dearth of men on the dudes' side in this draw, the US should be glad.

And then there was Sammy. Oh, Sammy.

Clijsters played some error-strewn stuff today, and Sammy had her chances. She could have won the match today if she had just taken them. But her inability to hold serve... well...

But no one expected her to hang this tight to Kim. And no one really expected her to make quarters here. She played to her seed, and that is something. Well done, Sammy.

And the men. Oh the men.

Rafa got through relatively painlessly, and Youzhny with only a scrape or so, but Stan Wawrinka and Fernando Verdasco must both be totally exhausted after their respective epics. I don't want to say that we'll have Youzhny and Rafa in the semis for sure... but I kind of do, because I just don't know how these guys are going to bear up.

But awesome performances from both - Stan for toughing out that fifth set against a non-partisan crowd and FeVer for roaring back from two sets to love down. This is the best performance from both this year, and both have a lot to be pleased about. And if one of them is a surprise semi finalist... I won't complain!

Please Do Not Feed the FeVer

Pretty standard results today. Roger won (well, in a retirement, but still). Rafa won. Muzz won. Novak won. Sod won. Nalbandian won. Even Roddick won.

But you know who didn't win? Fernando Verdasco. And considering his ranking, I am finding this problematic - because FeVer hasn't won so much in a long time.

The whole David Nalbandian being oh so very close to a US Open seed even though he hasn't even really played for, like, forever is a real sign of the huge jumps one can make in the rankings system by suddenly being awesome. You'd think that sucking hard over a long period of time would send you down the rankings. But look at Juan Martin del Potro - sure, he's still carrying Slam points, but he's been sitting in the top ten for ages. I don't think he's there any more, but he's been a-sitting there.

Weird.

So why hasn't FeVer plummetted? Because I seriously can't remember the last time he did something awesome.

And he lost to Mardy Fish as well. I know Fish is playing well at the moment, but at the end of the day, he's just not that great. FeVer is capable of playing spectacularly. We know this. We were there for AO '09. So what's up with him?

Davydenko and Other Disappointments

Spain have been sufficiently kept real. No Davis Cup threepeat for them. One tennis journalist wrote that while the defeat wasn't necessarily surprising, the 3-0 blowout was. I agree totally. Any nation is at risk against the hyper-talented France, but I would have expected Spain to have at least won one of the first three rubbers.

Nando Verdasco is going to wear this back home and no mistake. All the previous Davis Cup heroics will be forgotten in the face of his new found bunny status. I guess he'll just be hoping that Spain is too focused on the World Cup to care (which, to be fair, is probably true).


The Czech Republic are also through - without Berdych and Stepanek, which is a massive result for them - but the real battles going on are the two that are still alive, Russia vs Argentina and Croatia vs Serbia. They're both technically anyone-can-win, but you really have to like the team that took the doubles rubber in both situations.


In the former, that is Argentina. A lot is going to rest on Nikolay Davydenko, and he doesn't sound incredibly optimistic. He was phenomenally disappointing against David Nalbandian in the first singles rubber. I mean, sure, Nalbandian is awesome and all and he always brings it at Davis Cup, but Kolya was totally under par. Very disappointing. I'd be putting my faith in Mikhail Youzhny if I were the Russian Davis Cup captain - he seems like Russia's best bet for an equaliser.


And for Croatia, who are down one rubber to two, it's all on the shoulders of mighty Marin Cilic. He is certainly capable of taking out Novak Djokovic, but Djokovic is coming off a great Wimbledon and Cilic has not been in great form of late. However, if he brings it, if he throws the kitchen sink at Djokovic, he definitely has a chance. I thought Davydenko/Nalbandian was going to be the match of the weekend and it was totally disappointing. Maybe Cilic/Djokovic will be the one to remember instead...

Keeping Spain Real

It had to happen sometime. Spain cannot win everything in the world.

Now that I have said this, watch Lopez and Verdasco come back from two sets down and then win their final two singles rubbers to take the tie. But as I write this, Spain are perilously close to being bundled out of the Davis Cup in straight rubbers.

Now that is a shock.

I know they don't have Nadal, but with the depth they have (and the number of pre-blooded Davis Cup heroes) you'd think that that wouldn't be an issue. But it looks like France have suddenly stopped being the wouldashouldacoulda team of the Davis Cup, realised that they have incredible amounts of talent pretty much oozing out of them, and done something about it.

Gael Monfils winning over David Ferrer is not a big shock. I think La Monf is the higher ranked player at the mo and he's certainly the most talented. The Spanish tend to come alive for Davis Cup, but Ferrer has a curiously poor record, comparatively. He's always the high ranked guy that gets yanked off singles to let some lower ranked guy be the hero (cf. Verdasco, the final in Argentina a couple of years back). And La Monfa, when he's not injured, is a mighty force to be reckoned with.

But Verdasco should never have lost that match against Llodra. Llodra is solid, for sure, but Verdasco is top ten. After all his previous Davis Cup heroics, he just might be Spain's undoing this time.

They've just won Wimbledon. They're probably going to win the World Cup. I guess this Davis Cup probably-loss is just keeping Spain real. They can't win everything. Just most things.

A Year To The Day

A year to the day that Robin Soderling did the seemingly impossible and knocked out Rafa Nadal at Roland Garros, Sam Stosur has done exactly the same on the women's side. And much as I love Justine Henin, I am ecstatic for Sam.

People were calling Sam the dark horse of this incredibly difficult quarter, but I don't think anyone actually expected her to come through Justine realistically. But she has a chance - a damn fighting chance - of actually repeating her semi final performance here last year and maybe going further. If she can beat JuJu on clay, you can bet that she has as good a chance as anyone against Serena...

The winners: Sam Stosur. For all the reasons listed above. And for being freaking AWESOME.

Rafael Nadal also, for being a complete force of nature on a clay court.

And I have to give a shout out to Jurgen Melzer. So much talent, never really did too much with it, being the first Austrian to really do much of anything after Thomas Muster retired. And now - quarters at a major. Not too shabby at all! And considering the way Djokovic is playing, he stands a pretty decent chance of making semis if he keeps his head screwed on.

The losers: I'm sorry, JuJu, but you have to go in this column. Sam Stosur played lights out to beat her, but I seriously thought JuJu was going to win the tournament. She won't be happy with this result - even though it will give her a little longer to plan her assault on Wimbledon. And maybe that will be the difference for JuJu there... only time will tell.

And it might seem a little unfair, but Shahar Peer has to go here too. She started out fantastically against Serena and then completely lost it. What happened there, Shahar - apart from you realising that, oh yeah, Serena was on the other side of the net?

The disappointments: Raise your hand, Nando Verdasco. I know you have your whole toenail deal going on, but I was really feeling you this clay court season. I really feel like you have it in you to go super deep at Roland Garros - obviously your year is not this year.

And I know he won, but Novak Djokovic has been very disappointing this whole tournament, and it didn't stop here. Considering Robby Ginepri has won a grand total of eleven clay court matches in his entire career, you'd think the world #3 would be able to beat him without meekly dropping a set for what seemed like no reason.

The scraped-in-by-skin-of-teeth: No one really - no extremely tight matches today. So let's call this one the sneaking-through-the-draw-without-really-drawing-attention-to-themselves category today, and point our fingers at Nico Almagro and Jelena Jankovic, who have been silent and deadly so far. Nico will obviously stop next round, as he's playing some dude called Rafa whom I hear is a bit good on this surface, but Jelena really has the potential to go all the way here.

One to watch/story of the day: Watch out world. Here comes Sam Stosur!

Funky Town

So the mantle of #2 claycourter this year is definitely not going to Novak Djokovic. Despite his, you know, not winning the French Open or anything, I think it's fair to argue that that's what he was last year. But this year - no frigging way.

Novak is in a funk. With his ranking, he really should be beating Fernando Verdasco (who is, arguably, currently #2 claycourter). But no. And it's not just the admittedly in-form FeVer he's losing to - he's taken some stupid exits for quite some time now. I wouldn't go so far as to say 'worst #2 ever' or anything like that, but when you look at the dude who is #3, then you can say that something is rotten in the state of ranking system.

(BTW, I kind of love that Rafa is #3 despite the fact he didn't play Wimbledon last year. That is rad... and I really hope he gets back up to #2 before the Roland Garros seedings are done).

But there's someone in a worse funk than Nole, and that's Andy Murray. I didn't even notice when he lost, and that's saying something. I know clay is not his best surface, but he is just not bringing anything to play at the moment. His head is not in it.

So in our top four, we have an unfocused #1 (yes, Roger, I'm looking at you), a #2 having a crisis and a #4 having a breakdown. This all says one thing to me, and it's this: RAFA'S GONNA HURT YOU. HE WILL HURT YOU IN THE FACE.

Roman Holiday

Wow - Barcelona finished without me even noticing. I got all caught up in Fed Cup and then suddenly Rome's started and that whole week is gone.

A little late, but awesome work, Nando Verdasco. I haven't been reeeeeeeally convinced by Nando for a while now, but to back up a final in Monte Carlo (where, admittedly, he got crushed, but them's the haps when you play Rafa, I guess) with a win in Barcelona is pretty much epic. Didn't see the match and so thus can't comment, but Nando's making a push to be in those claycourt contenders this year. And good on him for it.

Now, we're all caught up. Over to Rome.

I'd have to say the award for biggest win of the day has to go to Ernests Gulbis. Yes, I know I'm biased, considering I've been clinging to the Gulbis train for a while now, but if he wins his next match I'm going to be cursing his name (he's playing Federer) and so I have to laud him now. Marcos Baghdatis is a tough, tough opponent, even if his ranking doesn't necessarily reflect this, and Gulbis smashed him like a guitar. I'm going to be very interested to see how Ernie does on clay - his breakthrough, we must remember, came at Roland Garros 2008...

Biggest loss of the day is a toss up between Sam Querrey and Juan Carlos Ferrero, but I'm going to have to go with the Mosquito on this one. A qualifier? Seriously, JC? I know you can do so much better than this...

...but perhaps, as it often happens on clay, this will be a blessing in disguise. Maybe JC will get some rest and be super fresh when he hits the home courts in Madrid...

Message Sent

Message sent.

So that whole thing about Rafa Nadal not winning a title for nearly a year? Functionally irrelevant once he steps onto clay, particularly the clay of Monte Carlo, his self-professed favourite tournament.

There has not been a moment this week when Rafa has not looked like winning.

If Rafa keeps playing like this, no one is going to be able to touch him. End of story. The only person who might even come close to getting a set off him is Federer, and even that might be contentious. If Rafa stays in his happy place, then he's going to slide right into his fifth Roland Garros title, mark my words.

The only thing that might end up being his undoing is, like last year, his scheduling. We all know that his faith in his knees is probably not optimal at the moment - though that might all have slipped away once he stepped on the clay and attained nirvana, I don't know. He's playing four tournaments in five weeks, and it's a decent bet that he's going to win every single one of them.

What Rafa doesn't want to do is run out of steam. I mean, sure, he has a lot of steam, but I'm sure there is a school of thought that says that he should, you know, take it easy and maybe not play so much tennis, particularly on this surface, which is so tough on the body.

But if he's going to beat opponents for the loss of only one game, as in the case of Nando Verdasco today, he can pretty much play as much tennis as he likes...

Nole in the Hole

I am not, as we all know, a huge fan of Novak Djokovic, but I was getting really excited about the prospect of a Nole/Rafa final in Monte Carlo. I don't know if anyone will ever forget that epic match they had in Madrid last year - it is definitely one of the classics of the last ten years, no question.

So you can understand why I, and the world, have been salivating at the prospect of a claycourt rematch. The newly be-#2ed Novak against the semi-injured king of clay... it could have been great.

Except for the bit where Novak went and lost to Nando 'poor man's Rafa' Verdasco in one of the worst losses of his career.

Kudos to Verdasco for playing awesomely here, but I really don't think anyone can deny that stuff is up with Novak. Firing Todd Martin is probably good in this respect - he's changing things up - but he really needs to get his act together if he's going to be a real contender at Roland Garros.

It's not so much that he lost to Verdasco - Nando is a great player - but the manner of his loss. Djokovic hasn't lost a match so badly since he was beaten by Safin at the Australian Open in 2005, and that's saying something. His rut has been overshadowed by the rut of Murray, but he needs to pull up his socks if he really wants to rock the HispanoSuisse domination machine on the red stuff.

Can You Hear The Drums, Fernandos?

I don't know if you ever see the division of dirtballers from other tennis players any place more than right now, in the gap between the Australian Open and Indian Wells. The next Slam may be the French, but the real focus is very much still on the hard courts right now in the lead up to the massive Indian Wells/Miami double header...

...unless you're playing on the South and Central American swing, where it's all dirtball, all the way.

This little claycourt season isn't anywhere near as superfluous as the one after Wimbledon, which serves absolutely no purpose. But still, I'm not sure why there's so much clay play when Roland Garros is this far off. Actually, to be more specific, I'm not sure why there's so much clay play when there's a grand total of four weeks of grass play in the year. Why does clay get six months odd and why does grass get so little?

Anyway. What I was trying to say is that a lot of the guys playing on clay this week - dudes like Fernando Verdasco and Fernando Gonzalez and all those others (I'm just going to call them the Fernandos) who really should be training for Indian Wells and Miami are playing in Acapulco, and they really shouldn't be.

I mean, it's February. It's a little early to be training for Roland Garros, and I can see no other reason for these guys to be playing on clay. For the real dedicated dirtballers, who really don't have any other way, I guess I get it, but players like the Fernandos have decent chances in the hard court double header and should be playing like it. I'm not sure I understand the rationale behind their decisions to play this tournament.

Clinging to the Bandwagon

Haha! I knew I wasn't feeling Nando Verdasco for a reason. First round loss in Memphis to Jeremy Chardy - what up? I mean, I know Chardy is a serious talent, but Nando is top ten, or practically top ten, and he won a tournament last week. He shouldn't be losing the next week first round, no matter how tired he is. So yeah, you've got a ways to go to become Nadal-challenger of '09 Nando again.

There were a few interesting results in Memphis, actually - not least of which was Ernests Gulbis actually scoring a win. Like, a whole one.

Yes, I know it's not fashionable to be on the Gulbis bandwagon any more, but I just can't quit this kid from Latvia has got something. I still believe that he can be top ten, once that certain something clicks - whatever that certain something might be. I'm not quite sure. But once that switch goes, I reckon he can still be great. Even if he is moving into late bloomer territory.

It was Robbie Kendrick who he beat, who is probably best known for nearly beating Rafa at Wimbledon one time (Gulbis nearly did the same thing one time. There you go.) Kendrick isn't exactly Mr Tennis, but this is still a pretty solid win. But damn it, Ernie - go deep. Please.

I also thought Evgeny Korolev had a great result, overcoming Philipp Kohlschreiber in straights. I like Korolev's heavy metal style of tennis - he's got some big shots but he's got some mad skillz also, which is also a fun combo. I'll be interested to see how he follows up this win.

Oh! Oh! And David Nalbandian came back on the clay in Buenos Aires! And he had a win over Potito Starace. Touch wood... but... is Bandy back?

The Mikhail Youzhny One Good Match Theory

So I picked two finals, lost one. Not a bad ratio. Two thirds. Go me. Yay.

In Rotterdam, we had the Yoker defeating Mikhail 'sometimes I hit my head so hard it bleeds' Youzhny. This was not surprising, though the ending was a bit disappointing. Retirement in a final is always disappointing, even when it's totally understandable.

I have this theory that Mikhail Youzhny has one really, really good match in him in a tournament, and if he uses it up early, then he's screwed. Think US Open, a few years back - he beat Rafa in the quarters and was mediocre in the semi. First round in Australia - he was great when he came back against Gasquet, then lame for the rest, all the way up to the retirement. Today, he literally ran out of steam and got hit by injury after his excellent semi against Djokovic.

And so Soderling got the bacon. I'm still not 100% sure he's back on track, but I'm getting there.

And then Kubot lost to Juan Carlos Ferrero. As if that wouldn't happen. Puh-lease.

The match I was wrong about was Verdasco/Roddick. Roddick won the first but then Verdasco came back to win. However, I am still not convinced about this whole Nando thing. I didn't see the match, so who am I to talk? But he just hasn't reached those heights he achieved in Australia last year. He's still poor man's Rafa.

...and Roddick is injured. We know this, yeah?

Oh, I don't know. I just have this feeling. Roddick is going to get better again and start winning some stuff, and Nando has some work to do. Even though this match turned out this way. Good on Nando for winning, but I'm still not feeling you, dude.